Took to the stage leading worship yesterday for the first time in 5 months on a Sunday morning. It's been a long break, and I'm not very certain if the break was well-spent or not. Hmm, in any case I haven't been leading worship a lot this year too, compared to like say in the past 2 years? There were times when no sooner had I just cleared the iPod playlist for a particular worship set, I have to create a new playlist for another set for the next week! There are strikingly none of those for this year, which in a way is good and bad because I missed what I enjoyed, but I enjoyed what I missed too.

Have you ever had the feeling that you're no longer equipped or in control of something just because you've been absent from it for a long time? And the bigger your share of the pie previously, the larger the void you have to fill when you return to it again. I felt like I no longer had the authority to stand on the Sunday stage and lead? I can't remember when was the last time I sat in the congregation during worship, which made it even more appalling and undeserving that I should lead. Past few weeks that I've been in church, I admit I was kinda just there to play guitar for Mark/Alicia.

I was listening to yesterday's recording, and it felt really awkward. Not that the the music wasn't good, it was really awesome, but something's just missing there la. I know it's probably attributed to me. The heart is not entirely lost, and I'd like to believe that I still want to be that vessel or reflector or channel or conduit here? It's getting harder to focus, and it's a constant struggle between what I desire and what I think God desires. Peace I need.

Quite heavy a mental load that's festering in my mind about Bangladesh, but I don't know where to begin and I'm not entirely sure what I really got out of it too. There's a thing about these kind of "awareness" trips which gives you a stripped-down peripheralistic view of the essentialities of life. And right now I really really feel like there's a bigger fish to fry. It's almost like a guilt trip when I think about what I have which they have not, but more than anything else, my biggest takeaway was to learn to receive? Have to know how to love and put faith in the God that loves. Felt like royalty there, flowers and attention and service and importance, which no doubt was was difficult to accept, and even harder to comprehend the amount of idolatry put into my own golden calves. But thank God for opening my eyes to see the work that needs to be done, and somewhere out there was another soft prompting to keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting, keep yearning.

And they told me my sponsored child's name Priya means sweet-heart! Was sleepless and an utter wreck the night before the meeting because I had no idea what to expect. My first impression of her when the small group of us appeared at her house, she ran down the lane saying hello to all of us (including me) and I was like, does she recognise me at all? Perhaps it's our relatively small age difference, and maybe because I hang out with 13s to 15s occasionally, but definitely cos she's really friendly and charming, and she could understand English very well, so we didn't ran out of things to say and so it didn't cut across as awkward. Glad to meet her and to know that she's fine and keeping well. Makes for better letter chatter in future.

Bangladesh was not very hot (though much like Singapore), but much more humid and moving air was stymied, so I perspired buckets. I've had the opportunity to see three amazing sunsets since I returned, one for every consecutive day that I was back in Singapore. That to me is a testament of how each day is really a miraculous gift from God, and all I have to do is receive it and make the best of it? Three sunsets!! I hardly have time to notice even one in a month.

Sponsor a child through World Vision today!

Will be away at Bangladesh from tomorrow Sunday evening till next Sunday early morning. Kinda looking forward to it, and really wanting to meet my adopted child! Hmm I'm like 80 or 90% packed and ready to go, but I'm super sleepy and all I want to do now is just go to bed and zzzzz.

Shall do just that. Nights.

I'm neglecting this thought-space which I used to really frequent. And it's no excuse because my exams are over and I'm getting more sleep now than I've ever been getting since the start of this year! Which brings me to another dreary question: why do I always think about blogging only in the wee hours of the morning? Time on the laptop says 4:42am currently, and I'm sleepless. Has to be somewhat due to the vanilla latte about 5 or 6 hours ago? But oh well, sleepless means sleepless. Tossing and turning in bed hardly makes it any easier, when your mind is racing with so many thoughts.

I am agitated and frustrated and all riled up. To say that I'm feeling any lesser than that really masks the intensity of my emotions now? It is like uurgh!!!! I cannot believe the gross glossing over of details, and I find it really hard to find meaning and purpose especially when it was something that I've stood by so firmly (and dare I say passionately?) for the past 2 years. Okay I need to cool down and be more astute, and I might have misread the intentions.

So now I'm stuck in this mire. Should I strive to not strive, or is there a bigger fish to fry?

It's 2:27am and I'm just done skimming through my readings and notes for tomorrow's paper. It's an opened book test, and I've decided to lug in my last semester's cultural studies notes in too because there's some gems in there which I could definitely use. And my professors for that module last sem were brilliant, for most of the important readings they've given a quick summary and a blow-by-blow recount of the salient arguments of the major writers. So I've got academic readings and academic commentaries on the academic readings and the additional academic new readings on the academic commentaries and academic readings. Haha is this unfair advantage or what. Oh well, opened book, anything goes.

Happily called Victor just now to make sure that the schools in Bukit Timah stretch aren't functioning tomorrow. That means half an hour more sleep for me, which is crucial for a 9am paper. Nights.

I'm four done and down, with one more to spare on Monday 9am. I guess I really should be thankful for the exams, because I took things a bit too for granted and ended up in a frenzied studying each day before my geography modules. I'm never going to try squeezing more than three geog modules in a semester again, because the combined contents are bordering on overwhelming, and I keep getting the information mixed up across the modules. It turned out quite okay during the exams though, not the most prepared and not the most confident, but it's doable enough and I've had ample opportunities to invent theories and occurences and nonsensical analyses. I was almost late on three of the four so far too, it's always a frantic rush trying to find my seat. Thanks to Yicheng for the chance encounter and the brolly when I really needed it.

And now I am tending towards the "exams are over!!!" attitude, because my last paper is an opened book test and I have not much idea how am I supposed to prepare for it. I'm planning to lug my cultural studies stuff into the exam hall, because they're packed full with race, ethnicity, gender, all that stuff.

Time for bed. It's been a long week. 

Exams have begun and I'm currently striving to find meaning to continue studying! I've had two papers already, they were quite manageable. But now it's like a mid-life crisis because I've got totally no motivations to study for population geog at all. Just stuck in that quandary.

The only reason why I'm online now is to check my email. I've got quite a lot of backlog to clear.

Time to sleep.

Was at Colonel Keith Burridge's wake service last night at William Booth Corps. It was quite shocking to hear the news on Monday morning, and even more saddening when he's going to retire in another month or so? Nothing but insightful respect for him and his ministry, and I remember the closest I've ever came with contact with him was the two of us alone in his sprawling office and recording a video interview.

And, amidst the things which I deem a bigger fish to fry, I'm trying to speed up my tourism lecturer's webcast lectures and speed reading through the salient points of my unread readings.

I have to learn to accept the brevity of human existence. Come and go. Coming and going. Came and gone.

Nothing eventful in my life unless you take account of all my attempts to break my Bejeweled high-score. It's a rigged game! Luck and chance only, I'm just playing for leisure's sake and hoping for a chance when everything falls in place nicely for me. If not, I'm trying to put some semblance of discipline in my life? I started April with the intention of regular exercise and quiet time and studying every week, but it's degenerating each day and I'm trying to rein my life back into structure. I just want to sleep everyday la.

My sister threw away my secondary school geog notes! There used to be a chunk of my notes in the cabinet, then last week she was tidying it and I thought she was just doing up her own stuff. Little did I know, she actually invaded my section and replaced my pile of notes with her textbooks and files! I was so mortified, and she had to throw away my geog stuff which I need! If she threw away the sciences rubbish I wouldn't have made a fuss, but it's precisely why I needed those notes that's why I'm even rummaging through the stack.

And, I lost two of my best/favourite/familiar guitar picks this morning. Dropped it on the bus, it was crowded, and I have laptop books bottle in my hands so I was just lazy to bend down to pick it up. I sort of pretended like it wasn't mine and I weren't the one who dropped it hahaha. But the entire bus ride I was wincing at all the senseless students who stepped and kicked and shuffled it as they were boarding the bus. Where are their eyes!!! It's kinda a helpless feeling, the red and orange picks were just there but I refuse to let down my pride to pick them up. Oh well I'm to blame for my lack of alacrity. Guitar picks are the cheapest of all guitar accessories I think, but I really don't losing them! And I did absolutely nothing to recover them today. =(

I will never ever skip any more webcast lectures for the rest of my undergrad life in NUS. The tendency as always is to use the excuse that "it's webcasted and recorded" to replace the need to physically go for the lecture. But I am like a few weeks behind the course outlines and I'm just speeding it through to get the main gist of what the lecturer is blabbering. No more no more, I will go for every lecture even if it's recorded next time.

This is kinda overdue, but essays and presentations are all over! No more stress to research and source for information, or trying to match up to your group members' stellar contributions, or fretting over too little/much words, or brain blocks during presentations. I've learnt something new about myself, I cannot present effectively under a time limit. My mind just goes blank. You need to give me all the time in the world so that I can be as naggy and loquacious as I want to be. Then nobody would want to hear me =(

Recently I keep encountering the word "fix" everywhere I turn. Things like everything's in a fix, or fix this or that, or fix a date, my coffee fix, fixities of life, blah blah. And I think I'm sort of getting the sense that I'm not meant to be the fixer, if there's such a word? I keep getting whispers that I just have to do my part to the best of my abilities, and leave the rest to God. It's not exactly new to me either, but recent times is just full of that. Sigh. I can't grapple with this quandary as of now, because I like to do do do and I'm suddenly surprised by the lack of things I have to do do do. Just like me and Bejeweled. I'm not good at the game at all. Pah, it's all luck and depends on whether they want to give me the multiplier gems or not! But I don't believe I cannot do it!! Stupid. I want to fix it, but it's seemingly not corresponding to my efforts. So many big blasts and kaboom bang crash, but I'm still getting like 30k???

And, my strongest affirmation yet. To be a mirror reflecting God's glory. It's really where everyone is striving to be, isn't it? When it's really not about you, not the human things you do or sing or say, but about that radiance shining through the Godly things that are done or sung or said. Hmm. I have no idea at all, and in any case I wouldn't know at all because I can't see it myself, but I take it as an encouragement.

Exodus 34:29-35

²⁹ When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. ³⁰ When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. ³¹ But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. ³² Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the LORD had given him on Mount Sinai.
 ³³ When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. ³⁴ But whenever he entered the LORD's presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, ³⁵ they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the LORD.

Just wanna give God all the praise and glory for last night's Good Friday combined youth service! Thanking Him first for the cross and what it meant that night, then thanking also for the huge large gigantic phenomenal numbers of people (255 according to Min Jie!) who came, and wanna thank God for the close to ten people who gave themselves to Christ. And for the skit and worship and message to go so smoothly. I was like oh nooo so many people and I was all ready to clam up. But the strength and the grace shone through, it was good. =)

And, after all that died down, I sort of just sat back and reflected at my own life. I think I would have given away my guitar just to be part of the congregation praising? Then again, there's a certain joy and a spiritual gain when something grand like this happen, and you know that God's using you to bless others too. That's the level where I wanna reach, when it's really beyond my gifts and talents, so I'm worshipping in my own way but at the same time I'm helping others to worship also? Hmm. It's the duality thing that I always struggle to meet.

I don't know when will be the next time I'm onstage singing again. That was my answer to at least three different people yesterday. Life is being a little bit messy now =(

But for now, it's trying to rush my tourism essay, with totally no motivation to do it at all. The criteria says 1500 to 2000 words, and my current word count is 900 odd. I'm like all ready to stop at 1500 once I'm there. The previous King Lear essay is completed! I just need to edit it to make it sound more professional. Oh well. I'm tired.

I'm beginning to be thankful that I sat through 2 years of King Lear under Ms Teo's classes. I remember being extremely resentful that I have to go back school on numerous holidays just so that we can finish the mammoth text in time for A'Levels, and till today a portion of my book still remains blank because I "conveniently" skipped quite a number of tutorials. But now, about three or four years after I graduated, I'm beginning to reap the benefits?? Hahaha its sort of like mental percolation of information. Somehow all those information that I thought was just applicable to A's suddenly became important to me all over again! Last year's tuition endeavour proved that. I could rattle off on the themes and go on and on. This year's literature intro module happened to include Lear too, and it's such a big book off my back because I can just saunter into class unprepared and still come out with some semblance of class participation. Hahaha I'm getting arrogant. But, I really am familiar enough with the text to hold some form of argument already.

And now, it's essay time! I've got a list of questions to choose from, and the most logical option, of course, is to pick the Lear one! And I'm grateful that I was diligent enough to photocopy notes and critical essays and whatever during my A's. I might not have read them word for word during that time, because it all seemed too advanced, but now they're proving their worth. No need for me to spend lengthy hours to research, because I've got it all there. Oh yeah thank God.

It's 4:47am now, and I've finally finished my economic geography essay! I started on Thursday, so that meant 4 hard days of writing to complete 1800 words. The thing is, I can be planning and reading up in advance, but nothing beats the thrill of actually writing. And like what Yurong said, the rate of writing tends to go exponentially. The introduction is the most excruciating because usually I haven't got a firm idea what I want to write, and it's not really helping when I'm denudated with tonnes of resources to sift through. But by mid-essay I'm kinda flying through the words and ideas and readings because I know what I want already.

But I haven't been entirely hardworking on it, as ideal as I would have liked it to be! Never mind next deadline is 5th April, a 1000 word and a 2000 word. I can start on the 1000 word almost immediately, because it's going to be a King Lear essay and it's all in my head hahaha I'm so smart.

Longest and most packed day of school later. I don't like even week Mondays. Shall try to get some sleep.

I want to thank God for David and Yurong! For letting me know that you can actually fast forward the NUS webcasted lectures, and for actually being able to see the video-ed lecturer instead of just listening to the audio only. I'm using Mozilla Firefox, and for the whole of last term and most of this term, I've been just contented with watching the screened Powerpoint slides and listening to the lecturer's voice only. But recently David (who learnt from Yurong) told me that if you use Internet Explorer instead, you're actually able to see a recorded video of the lecturer walking and prancing about and with all the additional hand gestures and whatever that the lecturer is doing! And furthermore, if the lecturer speaks in a slow drawl, you can actually speed them up! I've tried 2.0 speed and itjustsoundslikethey'resqueakingtheirwaythroughhahahahaha. This is awesome! I can finish watching a 1 hour 40 minutes lecture in just slightly over an hour!

Now if there's some way that I can fast forward my life too, I'll gladly do so too. I keep wanting to "get it over and done with". I think going through life trains you up and prepares you for eternity? It's like how we all are aware that suffering produces patience and development and faith and all the good stuff. But sometimes I just want to skip all that and get to the end. Then again, in doing so, I'll miss out all the tests and situations and circumstances that I'm supposed to go through, and I might miss the blessings that comes with it? Hmm. Okay I shall go and think about it again.

Eunice said she saw a woodpecker pecking away at a tree, and she said the poor bird looked so stressed knocking its head loudly on the tree bark. Hahaha. I'm thinking that if the bird doesn't knock its head, it wouldn't have found the food that's underneath. Same goes for me.

My guitar's finally back! And in time for Gracehaven yesterday too. It's really nicely set up too. They replaced my tuning head and my bridge for free and only charged me for the set up. Hahaha great reasons to get a Maestro because of the great customer support! And Gracehaven's a timely reminder of where God chooses to place me on this journey with him. He really deserves the praise.

And with that ends all my reasons for procrastination too. Nothing else for the rest of March, unless if you count practice for Good Friday. It's time to start on my essays. Not that I haven't been researching, but I need to start getting down to the actual writing.

This is post number 900, with hardly much cheer? I'm not sure la I'm just kinda neither here nor there. Haha I keep alluding to my "missing" guitar, but it's really similar to that case. I called them this afternoon and enquired how much longer would it take, because they said 3 to 5 days but it's been slightly more than a week. Partly because I want to get it back in time for Gracehaven this Sunday, cannot really bear the idea of using borrowed guitars again, and also partly because I think I depend a lot on it for my quiet time? And the ukulele hardly works hahaha.

And it's a week of not very happy stuff too. Ups and downs la. I met someone whom I haven't seen for a very long time, and that kinda made me guilty. Was at a few meet-ups with friends or mentors, and it sort of gave me more complicated stuff to think about? But alright I feel slightly better and things are clearer in perspective. At Janice and Roxanne's match today. And this week is really like bittersweet?

Hmm. What have I done?

I'm convinced beyond a doubt that my guitar is the best in the world. And I'm sorely missing and inadequate without it. Corps has two acoustic guitars, and I had so much trouble with both of them yesterday during worship practice. The strap is too long and the adjustment method is a chore, or my fingers really cannot take the different relief and action, or it always detunes itself after 15 minutes of playing, or it sounds flatter at some notes, or there's static feedback at some frequencies. I don't know whether it's channel, guitar, DI or wire. Either way, I've never had much problems like these on my own guitar. Hahaha I sound like a really whiny kid, but ughh it's just not the same la. And probably as a consequence, I gave up halfway through the practice trying to fine tune my sound and everything, and tried to focus more on seeking? The guitars were such a distractant.

And, I'm feeling just as lost as the missing guitar. In some sense I'm beyond caring already, but this is at the expense of losing the passion, which isn't what I want either. I think I've been kinda irresponsible in the last few weeks, and really naggy and whiny. I think it's easier to mend than to end.

Sent my guitar for minor repairs and a much-needed setup yesterday, because of some minor problems like buzzing and to fix the loose machine head. So I kinda borrowed the corps' Simon & Patrick in the mean time, because I need a guitar to practise for various worship leadings. I really have to say that there's a drastic difference in the two guitars! Don't get me wrong, the S&P sounds great even though it's been really beat-up, but I find the neck too stiff and the string gauge was probably heavier and I really can't play with it for hours on end! Hahaha it's barely a day and I'm missing my guitar. My fingers and hand and wrist are screaming OUCHIE BOOBOO WAAWAA.

And I went to try guitars again, since I was in City Hall area yesterday. I am very tempted to blow my bank on several guitars. Hahaha. Aaaarghh this is a need not a want haha I need so many guitars for what??????

I'm supposed to have a 8am literature lecture this morning, and I happily forgot to set my alarm and woke up at 8am instead, which makes it quite impossible to reach school before the lecture ends. But I see this as sort of a divine intervention? Because I was supposed to finish reading Great Gatsby for this lecture, but I mistook the schedule and I was halfway through Waiting For Godot, which isn't due for class discussion till 2 or 3 weeks later. Last night was a internal dilemma, should I stay up all night to finish reading it just for the lecture's sake, or should I just not bother. In the end I didn't go past page 5, and my only consolation is that the lecturer for today always puts up huge chunks of text as lecture notes, instead of Powerpoint presentation slides. So I can actually read through everything la.

And I kinda froze at a group presentation yesterday. Which is really really annoying, because I'd like to think that all vestiges of stage fright and public speaking fear shouldn't even be bothering me anymore? I thank my church ministries hahaha. I mean, I think I should have gained some courage from having to sing in front of a few hundred people, or speaking short messages and talking extensively, right? But my brain blocked and frozed and most of my speech was spent in stutters and trying to find the correct words to form my sentences. Then I took about 3 or 4 minutes too long for my part, and we were the last group, and there was a class waiting outside, and the tutor decided suddenly to adhere to the 20 minutes allocation, but some groups in front of us went beyond 30, and so we couldn't present our final section and the tutor was like "oh yeah I'll take this into consideration blah blah" and we were all feeling sigh haiz, and I kinda put it down on myself for my illogical presentation and horrible brain blocks and for taking too long, or else we could have finished it? Aargh.

Should at this point say something about an essay that I got back last week. My geog essay on population was graded A minus, and this piece of work was so last minute that a day before deadline, I was still stuck at 200 words out of a thousand. So this means I'm really really phenomenal right?? Hahahaha. Nah, I should have gotten a nasty grade and hopefully this will spur me to start immediately on my remaining projects and essays. But okay I'm starting research for the rest of my essays. Shall not succumb to last minute work again.

Mid-week, with a couple of free days, and it's been quite crazy so far. But happier.

I have four and a half webcasts to watch, 2 weeks of readings to catch up for two of my modules, and my readings for my tourism module is completely untouched. I think that will take some time to plough through. But I am up-to-date with all my assignments; my next slew of deadlines are only in the second half of March. I'm planning to start by next week, so I figured I'll be in good shape by then. And this is a big improvement from last semester, when at this same juncture into the term, I haven't even printed 20% of my readings yet. I will catch up over this weekend and I shall be on top of things. It's only week 6, I still can bring some semblance of studying consistently into my "routine" student life.

I realised it's not that I haven't been checking my emails regularly in the past two weeks, but more of I have not been replying much of them. A lot of it were read, but they weren't answered. I kept them so that I can reply another time. So today I got down to business and tried to clear the backlog, but I gave up at the 4th or 5th. Oh well.

And I realised why my guitar kept going out of tune. The machine head which usually strings G, the screw chipped the wood abit, so it's kinda loose. Then the tuning peg is jiggly too. Which adds up to a really stiff turn once it is in tension. Hahaha I considered bringing it for a small repair today, to fix all the other niggly problems too, but okay la I think I can live with all these small defects for now. I now own nothing valuable which hasn't been chipped or scratched or damaged at least once before, which is really good because I won't get so attached to them anymore.

Was at Janice and Roxanne's match today, and this is the first time that they've lost while I was there supporting. So far all the matches and friendlies I've went, they've won or at least tied the game. I now understand better how God must have felt when I've been out there, fighting on my own strength and putting him on the sidelines, when all he really wanted for me was to go to him and just dwell in his strength. Love's a really strange thing.