I'm grumpy tired of a lot of things. Tomorrow going to Malaysia but I haven't even started packing yet. Not a lot of things to bring laa it's just a weekend trip.

Bright side of the day includes meeting up with Vanessa for guitar! She knows more or less how to play already I'm just giving her all my resources cos she says she doesn't have chords.

Okay. Should really go and pack.

Today's a very very very demoralising day. Things are moving slower than a turtle! So I thought I will speed things up and carry the turtle all the way to the finishing line. But then I'm like three-quarters away from the finishing line already and then the turtle suddenly flip upside down! Cannot move! So it's disqualified! And need to start all over again! What is this stupid thing! Haiya I give up laa I thought I was doing everyone a favour but then all my work came to waste and I have to restart. Let it be laa I'm not in charge also.

But I'm happy today because I made an effort to not mop around. People were nice to me too hahahaha. Today is David's first day at Central Corps working, and it was good because I'm usually quite anti-social when it comes to lunch with colleagues but today was a legitimate reason to go lunch with him. And I felt like I know a little bit more things than he did, so I was like the old bird and it made me more superior hahaha. And I got very amused with the 14-year-olds, they're like totally in their own world and I'm really priviledged to be part of it.

Rubberduckzilla! The duck that doesn't like water! Hahahahaha this is sooo for me.

800th post, and I feel that I'm not doing this blog justice because I'm kinda too tired to put up a happy post. Today's a scheduled get-out-of-office day! I arranged all my appointments and meetings on this day so that I can get a legitimate reason to leave early from work. Lunch with Clarissa at Tanglin Mall, then we went back to SYOG building cos I have a meeting there. After that I went down to The Haven for a visit. Rachel's birthday today! And it was to Changi Airport to go pick Dezmand who's back from Europe.

I took four taxi trips today. I spent $45.75 in total. The last one to airport was the most wallet-tearing. It was west to east and during peak hour and there were intermittent jams. But halfway through I was like haiyaa no point la it's just money, so I tried to read a book instead.

I think I'm just being unrationally upset. And I think I'm being very selfish. But everyone is selfish wad. I think I don't fit in or belong. I'm concerned with things that nobody is concerned with anyway. But I'm quite secure in my own world. Today was a perfect example of how efforts don't pay off. Okay bye.

Sighh. The whole of last week I was telling myself to stay focus, take one thing at a time, do one thing at a time. And now that the busy weekend is over, what's next? Everything went pretty fine, and I thank the Lord for seeing me through all of those. The take-home message for me was to trust in His strength and trust in God's Word and trust even when you can't see what's at the bottom of the pit. And I feel slightly ashamed, because I know very well what all these means. I've said enough myself about commitment and surrendering and all of these, but above everything else I feel like being selfish and just run away.

Today, as I was doing all the necessary filing and updating, I'm wondering what really is the point. No I'm not losing focus, but I realised that it's so easy to get complacent when you do not place the significance of everything in something. Okay another victory chalked up for God, another chord sheet in my file, another update, another sermon notes addition, another lesson learnt, another experience point, but what's it really for?? I've learnt something, I'm a notch higher in my growth chart, I can feel the Lord's presence through this. It's really easy to say all these for myself, but can I claim that for another person too?

Haiyaa I don't know laa. A couple of surprise activities during the weekend which I didn't plan for when I was falling headlog into it. Dansen called me on Saturday night to ask if I was still going for the Sec 4 gathering, and I was like OH NOO because I completely forgot all about it. But good thing it was Alex's house, which was a 15 minute walk from my house! Five years since I graduated from Catholic High, and some of them friends I haven't met since that time too. Great catching up.

And yesterday after service was movies with Celine, Sam and her brother Reuben. I've got this to show! Hahaha very cute!

I don't want to go heaven so early and sing song too. I feel like I have a very long way from becoming the person that God wants me to be. And I haven't done enough to develop myself or to develop others. Not that I'm thinking that I need to earn my way into heaven, but I want to see more people committed to Christ and I want to help others to live to be and I want to see more lives changed impacted immersed transformed. Going heaven is a good thing, but not so quick.

I Can Only Imagine on repeat.

Hong Yu just called me to say that I am very handsome and I am very cute and that she will marry me when she turns 16. Hahahaha! It's some dare that the girls are playing and I know it's not going to happen, but it made me laugh! Who thinks up of silly things like these!

I think this week has been a revelation in its own right, like how I have a tendency to be cynical in my approaches and then God smacks me back and here you go, who says it can't work.

And I'm still stuck in my conundrum. I don't care about the admin stuff, but I am very angry irked irritated hurt by it. Cannot laa.

Okay. Should just concentrate on one thing at a time first.

I've been stuck at Bob Kauflin's Worship Matters for the past 3 months. I'm more than halfway through it, but reading at a very very slow pace. Past few recent weeks is almost a standstill because I've been quite busy. It's an awesome book and I really want to finish it, but I just don't have the time and impetus to do so. And because of this, I have been very reluctant to commit to reading anything else other than newspapers and magazines. I am a person who likes to finish one book before starting the next.

But now I've been granted a lifeline. Captain Hary was asking me today to take note of any worship related resources or books that I know of, so off the top of my head I passed him my copy because it's the most inclusive book about worship ministry that I've encountered so far. And he will probably take some time with it, so I figured now's the time to go out to the library again and start afresh on a new novel, and hopefully I will be able to finish a few before he returns that to me.

Brings to mind all my frustrations in church. It's true, like what Mark said, I really cannot work with uncommitted people. I'm thinking if it's worth all the effort. So what if I keep pushing for things to happen, so what if I take the entire list and go ahead?? The people are happy being where they are. I'm not saying it's not making a difference, but talk talk talk comes to end and nothing takes strong fruition, and it ends up being a fad, a phase which hardly makes a splash in the ocean. Or am I just being too idealistic? Haiyaa I don't know la. I think the straw that broke the camel's back was seeing other people disappointed. My disappointment never mind, I can deal with it myself. But other people's disappointment caught in between the bureaucracy of things, I feel very upset and useless.

In the end I'm just refusing to start afresh because of a book that I want to finish reading. And it's really ironic that the book is about a fantastic Creator, but I just haven't got the time and motivation to keep reading it to the end. Maybe because I constantly feel like I'm flogging a dead horse and have put my trust in the wrong places. Maybe I just need this book taken away, so that I can start on a new one.

To be very frank, I was kinda annoyed at a lot of things last night and this morning, but then each has its own reasons la. It just wasn't my style and I didn't agree with it. I think I was quite impatient and I refused to cooperate, which is selfish on my part la. Mostly because this weekend has been very unproductive la. I told myself to do work, but I ended up not doing at all because I didn't felt like it. Weekend laaa cannot do work.

And today was lunch with Hong Yu and Eunice. One likes to go shopping and the other doesn't, so it was quite amusing! Dunno laa. But they made my day.

Aaaahhhhhhh! Melted heart! So sweet! Just like my guitar hahaha it melts the heart from the first strum. I need to find a sticker of a melting heart to paste it on the front. Hahaha I don't know la actually it's a vicious cycle, but quite some time back I came to the conclusion that the good times of love are all kinda momental, so you really just have to enjoy it for that moment.

And actually I came up with another theory! It's kinda pervertic hahahahaha but I really really never thought of it in this way before. I never thought it applicable, and I really have no idea also. Never mind hahaha quite amusing I don't want to know also.

Everytime I run out of patience, or I get annoyed at why why why like that, I am reminded of the small silly things that makes this so enjoyable. I don't know whether is it just naivety or the world is too big an oyster or my cynical perspectives or it's just a need to belong. I'm getting increasingly tickled and amused, and it's such a joy to follow the growth and determination and drive and attitude and character.

Which is why sleep is good! Hahaha this week was kinda inefficient. I know I can do much more, but I'm hampered by lack of adequate hours of sleep. Today's no work day which was whooohoooo because it's the first time in weeks where I don't have to be awake at 7am to be in time for work. I was expecting a crash for the worship and message, because the last time I did both on the same Friday, I was like a broken tape recorder, but today was a clear sharp brain.

And I watched two movies this week. Kabei Our Mother on Tuesday with Priscilla, then Angels and Demons today with Hui Min and Jerrold. I think cinema theatre seats are very comfortable they make me want to sleep.

Weekend was a daze, because I didn't have enough sleep and have been occupied with quite a lot of things. But the retreat at William Booth Corps went quite well. The mish-mash ended up to be quite comprehensive. And it brought to rest one of my work projects, now for the next one!

Today was Parent's Day, and even though I'm no parent in any way, but I felt like I was! Hahaha cos Jerrold and Janice had their testimonies and Sam and Celine were playing guitar, and I feel very blessed to be able to be part of their lives. Like it gives me joy to see them being involved? Haha it's much like how I was at PLMGSS concert and Charmel Joelynn and Eunice were performing. I can say with certain pride that I'm their "cell group mentor" hahaha!

Speaking of which, I think The Straits Times is extremely biased!! Take the Aware incident for instance, I think they were for the old guard right from the beginning. Every reference to Dr Thio quotes her as the "self-styled feminist mentor", which is true because she did say that herself, but there was no need for that sarcastic tone. And then they go on and on about how the old guard recognised secularism and pluralism and inclusivity, but they never point out how unruly the old guard were during the AGM! And what's with the constant harking with the fact that they are all from the same church? Homosexuality isn't the issue here. Their article today on the newest exco comprising of the old guards just about riled me. They take the effort to identify each and every person in the photograph, right down to descriptions of what they are wearing! And their rambuctious behaviour was totally glossed over by the fact that the mics weren't turned on. And the ousted new guard's lack of comments were deemed as "in no mood to talk". What is this! I'm not a supporter of the new guard, but I think the sarcastic and supercilious tone was really not warranted for. And because of that, everyone condemns the new guard, thanks to biased journalism and the constant bad light on them.

I tried to do floral arrangement today for my mum, since it's Mother's Day! It wasn't my first time but obviously I'm not a very artistic at this. So a few of us went down to Far East Flora to get flowers, then went back to corps to cut and arrange them into a bouquet. Alicia's were the best-looking ones, while Adriel and I agreed next time we should just buy sound systems for our mum or just play guitar and sing song haha! My bouquet of tulips and carnations were quite nice okay, but then my mother took it apart so that she can put them in a vase! Haizz I'm so sad I should have just used a vase instead and not bothered with all the wrapping and arrangement.

I think I'm becoming very bitchy. Okay just go sleep.

I have big big complaints with the way newspapers organise their front page headline news! Don't you just hate it when you read to the end of the front page and it says "continued on page 4"? I find it tremendously irritating that I cannot read finish the article in one sitting! Isn't front page news supposed to be the most important news of the day?? Why should it then be broken up into two separate segments and I have to flip flip flip just to finish what I started reading!! And of all pages to resume the continuity, page 4 is way too far back. I can understand if it's resumed on page 3, so that means I just need to flip open the newspapers one time, but page 4 means I need to flip two times! Assuming that I read it in the newspaper page chronology, so I read part one of the headline news, then page 2 is some review article, then page 3 is another important news, and by the time I get to page 4 part two of the headline news, I would have forgotten what I read in page 1! Then I have to flip flip flip back to refer again.

And the stupidest thing is, it can be so easily avoided if the design editor does not put any advertisements on the front page! I find it annoying that sometimes that Macs or car or jewellery advertisement can take up almost one-quarter of the front page. THIS IS PRECIOUS SPACE FOR NEWS WASTED. It might mean that your article would not even have to be split up in the first place. Or the journalist of that article can do well to remember to keep the news reporting concise and precise. Any further news to that main matter, or related happenings or comments or opinions from other parties, they can be elaborated in a separate article. So instead of trying to lump everything into one lengthy headline article, it should be in separate columns elsewhere. And you can put "more reports on page 4" and if I read in the page chronology I wouldn't have to refer back because it's a separate report that is related.

The biggest culprit is Today!!!! I think 80% of their front page articles are continued on the inside pages. And then sometimes they squeeze one main headline and one not-so-main headline, and then both articles end up truncated and continued on separate pages. So pointless!! And if the advertisement really needs to be front page, then print a big full page and sleeve it as a cover for the newspaper, above all the headline news and everything else and voila! You'll have everybody's attention because at your first glance you see the mast head and that needless private estate advertisement. Newspaper is news, not advertisements. I can't stand the political biasness already, and I still have to contend with this.

Haizz what to do I'm really getting a bit disillusioned. The upstairs blame down, the downstairs blame up, and those caught in between blame up and down and everywhere. But nobody wants to be responsible to take full commitment and ownership. In the end we're all just minnows caught in the immense scheme of human things.

I am sincerely glad for all the people out there who have found their joy and purpose in Jesus, who have found true fellowship in their church, who believe in their ministry, who find meaning in the Word, and who seek to save the lost. I think there is no greater testimony to see lives changed and surrendered to God. They have their own problems I'm sure, but I think the Christian is called to trust and not to grumble, and I'm so blessed to see them happy in their faith.

In the mean time, I will keep learning and following and trusting. One of my friend's MSN nickname went "you are the reason that I still believe". I don't know whether it's for her boyfriend or for her family or friends or who else, but yes I want to claim that claim for myself too. You are the reason I still believe.

I know I keep going on about how it's like a pendulum on a roller-coaster, but that's really like it is. And I think part of what makes it so spectacular are the extremes I'm faced with each time. When I'm disappointed dejected desperate despondent it's really terrible, I feel like the lousiest crap and I really feel like quitting or leaving. But for all the downs, there are pure joy moments so blissful that I really believe that angels are dancing in the heavens. I'm captured and captivated by a God who works in mysterious ways. For all the joys and spoils, I want to be more faithful and obedient.

I think, my language and choice of words are a bit too girly. Haha. I've got countless battles to fight. My weekend was quite a toll because there were things that I need to do and things that I want to do, so it became sort of like a messy timetable with too many events.

Auntie Mary told me today that I've actually been using Commissioner David Bringans coffee mug for the past few days! Most of the office staff have their own personal mugs or cups, but I don't know who uses what so I always go to the shelf and just take one random one. I know I'm probably depriving someone of their mug but I don't know I don't care I need to drink my Lipton tea. But now the Bringans are back in New Zealand, and he didn't pack his mug back with him, so it's mine now. MUAHAHA POWER.

I talked about surrendering and submission to God today, and after cell group I realised that there's a large chunk of my life now that I haven't let go of. I think one of the biggest problems I have is that I keep wanting to fix things. I get disappointed when things don't go the way I want it to be. I'm quite discouraged with a lot of attitudes and problems that I don't quite agree with. And the thing that remains each time after the dredging is my overweening pride. My own measurements of success may not necessarily be what is God-defined. His methods are not limited by the common or conventional, and I really need to trust that He will bring them to where He wants them to be.

I'm allowed to fumble tumble stumble so many times in my life, so who am I really to be upset with my self-perceived negativity. There are some things that I just cannot do and I need to leave it to God.

I'm quite ashamed with my behaviour today.

Went down to PLMGSS last night for their combined CCA concert, and largely also to celebrate their commendable haul at the SYF judging. Okay to be very frank I'm very tired and I still have a lot of things and work not yet done, but Charmel Joelynn Eunice is performing! So I thought okay I should go and support them. And I'm kinda glad I went, I really enjoyed the performances from all the dance and drama and music. Sort of like my end-of-week carthasis and stress relief. Their guzheng is breathtaking stuff I've never heard any Chinese orchestra music that sounded this good.

It's going to be a very busy weekend. Sigh. Haha L4D is quite fun, even though the gameplay is very simple.