It's not the end of the year yet, but if I have to define 2015 by one word only, I would be quite torn equally between "change" and "friendship". Since this is my blog and this is my opinion, I'm not going to try and force myself to choose! You get both definitions, whether you like it or not haha.

"Change" because there really are too many changes in my life since the start of this year! I went to another church for 6~9 months; I resigned from my previous employment and started a new one; I am now in another Salvation Army corps after spending all my life in my previous; I took up part-time graduate studies; I felt bold enough to travel alone for a week in Sydney! They are significant because I would have never thought myself in such positions at the start of this year, and these are seasons that I've never found myself in before. It honestly felt as though I am constantly in transition every two months or so, and I cannot even say with certainty if things will continue next year as they are now!

"Friendship" is somewhat more contentious, mostly because I do not think of myself as a very good friend to have. I've always thought myself as rather individualistic, and I have no hesitation to do stuff by myself where others might do with a group of friends. But this year I'm privileged to have people in my life who didn't mind me being in their lives, and for some of whom I was actually able to find solace and comfort in. And I'm always of the opinion that the older I get, the less interested I am to keep friends around me because it takes dedication and commitment to keep friendships. Strangely, I find myself making the effort to keep people in my life, rather than reject all social engagement as I always do.

In related news, I've sprained my right ankle under very strange and mysterious circumstances. It's too embarrassing to tell how it happened, but my ankle is swollen to an unusual size that I'm not at all accustomed to. I have no choice but to resort to slow hobbling as my main mode of getting around, and I've never been more thankful of my (dis)ability and my (im)mobility to enjoy the world at a slower pace.

Part 2 as promised, except that this is a little bit too late than what was promised! I think after you decide why you want to date, the only logical step to do next is to decide who you want to date. This is where I think it gets a bit stereotypical, because I tend to think that all those people who only claim that "inward beauty of the character and the heart are the only things that count" are just plainly lying! Obviously physical attraction does play quite a large part in drawing you toward that person that you like, and I do not think it is superficial to admit physical attraction. 

I cannot speak of the same for everyone, but I believe that each person who wants to date for marriage are looking for certain values or qualities within the other person, so that they know they are like-minded on certain aspects of their lives. These include views on family, friends, faith, food, fishes (I'm pushing the limits on words beginning with F), and it is important that they see eye-to-eye on these values, or at the very least are able to compromise. 

Naturally, if you are not able to accept differences, there is the deal-breaker list! These are the things that you cannot tolerate, or the boundaries that you set for yourself so that you do not end up in certain crossfires. Mine is quite a long list of things including clingy, naggy, overly-idealistic people, and duck haters. I don't think I can date a duck hater. And I actually think that the deal-breaker list is important, so that you do not water down or devalue the standards that you've set for yourself to uphold and upkeep to. 

More importantly, I think it's a bigger question of trying to ascertain who deserves your time and energy, and how much do you invest into trying to love someone. For myself again, my past relationships have taught me to not rush straight into a relationship. It is actually important for me to know a person as a genuine friend first before being serious about dating. Also, I think it's very important to have fun while dating! Yes at this point in my life now, it would be good if the person I am dating now eventually becomes my spouse, but it will not be very right for me to look at every date as a potential marriage partner, just because marriage is not a be-all end-all.

But then again dating (assuming that that is the stage before a relationship) is so nebulous and gray! Love requires too high a commitment for me to undertake, and it must be a choice that I have to constantly remind myself that this is the person that I am choosing to commit to! Which is why I feel like I am grappling with age-old questions of "what is love" and "how do you know when you're in love" and "what are you looking for to love" and "who deserves your love"! 

Perhaps the best piece of advice that someone has given me is to remind myself that I am too full of life to be half-loved. It is more of a reminder to myself to never find myself in half-loved situations, both in the giving and in the receiving! I try my best to be undivided and to give in my best effort while dating someone, so that I do not shortchange myself and the other person too. But then again, I am possibly too naive in that aspect because I try to see the strengths of every person I meet, so I just think the best of everyone I date too! Okay this just sounds like I fall in love with everyone I date, but I assure you I am level-headed. 

It may sound self-centered, but getting out on dates actually helped me to learn more about myself as a person. Of course it is about getting to know the other person too, but I always reason with myself that if I cannot even accept myself, then how can I go ahead and attempt to accept another person! It is always important for me to see value and worth in my own esteem, before I can head out and try and love someone. That to me was revelatory, because so often people head into it trying to love someone before loving themselves.

This post may have came out quite garbled because I'm rather tired. We will see if there is a part 3, or if I just move on to another topic. 

This post is about dating! Specifically, my views on dating and relationships and marriage. If you're only remotely acquainted with me, I'd have you know that I have been single for most of this year. My last relationship was last year, and while I am upset it ended, I think I've allowed a lot of room for myself to rest all the skeletons and ghosts before I moved on. The disclaimer is that if you are looking for saucy gossip, I will not be divulging any, because they are not my stories to tell alone. And the claimer that accompanies the disclaimer, is that I have been out and about trying my hand at dating too. Which leads to my thoughts and opinions on this great mystical topic.

I know that for some people, singlehood is uttered with a breath of abhorrence, and marriage is everything that they strive for in their lives. So naturally, these same people think that my breakup was some form of life stage suicide, because I turn 27 in a few week's time and a lot of my peers are already in happy marriages and are even having babies! But societal pressures aside, I do not think that the need to settle down should mean that I must get into a relationship and I must be married by a certain age. Yes I do want to get married, but I could see myself otherwise too.

Which is why I think it is very important to question the fundamental beliefs of what you see yourself doing in your life, and why do you even want to date in the first place. My views and observations (and not berating people who think contrary) are that it is not quite enough for me if I just say that I am dating this person for companionship and romantic feelings and eventual marriage. Yes they are perfectly legitimate reasons, but I do not think that my life is defined by my marriage! Getting into a relationship and wanting to get married are not be-all-end-all panacea to all of life situations, and if I am approaching it from that vantage, that it is a great disservice to the person that I end up marrying with. In fact, marriage is the beginning of a new set of problems and challenges. If I had only wanted to get married on grounds of companionship and feelings, I highly doubt that I will be in it for the long haul. 

I have been asking myself a lot of "what's next" questions. Like, new job, what's next? Get into a relationship, what's next? Get married, what's next? Have a house and have kids, what's next? Every life stage that I ask of myself, it seems like a slow meaningless crawl toward decrepit old age and death. The only reconciliation that I have for myself is that my life must matter for something. There has to be some form of legacy or stuff left behind for posterity that will allow me to die without regrets. Morbid topics, I know, but I want to be able to be on my deathbed and say confidently that my life was lived well and spent well. Like, I've written a book, that was a thing! I've helped so and so, that was a thing! My marriage and my kids, that was a thing! 

Alongside that comes my faith and my beliefs. I firmly think that my life must somehow matter for Christ. That if I leave nothing behind, people are able to see Jesus through my life and come to a greater appreciation of how Jesus worked in my life. Hence this is my conclusion, that my relationships and my marriage in my earthly life must somehow matter for Jesus. There's not much point if I am just seeking my own conveniences like temporal feelings of love and companionship wantings, and there's not much purpose too if I'm getting married and having a family just to fill a void in my life. Ultimately, my perspectives must align with what is eternal. 

Okay I am tired of writing. There will be a part 2 for this, maybe tonight or tomorrow or something. 

I am trying to give myself week-long challenges for the rest of this year, for the purposes of self-betterment and to improve myself as a person. My chosen areas to work on were empathy and compassion last week. Not that I'm lacking in those areas, but it was more of I wanted to be a lot more intentional about it. I'd like to think that I am sufficiently sympathetic to other people's plights in general, because I've always been easily moved by people less-privileged than I am, and I care deeply about social justice. Of course they have to be people that I somewhat know on a personal note, and I think my sympathy levels are raised when these stories hit closer to home, so it's not just from reading about any tragic accident and sob story from tabloid news! 

Perhaps very conveniently, the fact that I am currently working in the social work industry means that there has to be some wanting to care for others that needs to be found within me. I've been involved with youth ministries for over ten years now, and I have unavoidably came across many less-privileged youths in my courses of work. I've also realized for myself that what I previously mistook of myself as high levels of empathy, they were in fact merely sympathy for others. Footnote here, I know that being empathetic is almost always construed as more preferred than being sympathetic, but to achieve empathy, you first have to have sympathy! So it was through casework that I found out that I haven't quite crossed that line to really put myself in someone else's shoes. 

My week of empathy and compassion was quite fruitful. We had air-con installation works at our youth centre, and I bought lunch for the contractors who came down to fix everything. Food is always non-intimidating, and through that I had very good conversations with the contractors. They were probably cautious to speak with me, because I am after all the one "paying" for their services, but I found that it had a lot to do with regarding each of them as unique individuals with different walks of life, and trying to understand their perspectives from their values. 

I also tried to give money to all the buskers and beggars and people selling tissues. They are always some of these people on my way home, but it is almost a second nature for me to ignore them. I offered to get dinner for one of the beggars near my work place, but he rejected it. I tried to pray for some of my friends and family and really forced myself to put me in their situations. That did make prayer a lot more effective! 

And I will end with a recount of something significant that happened in the last two weeks that challenged me greatly and pushed my sensibilities way out of my comfort zone. At 1am into the night, I answered a distress call from one of my Twitter friends (but have never met before in real life) because she was having a panic attack. I went over to her house to try to be of some form of comfort and reassurance, and when I was properly home it was close to 5am. What made it more uncomfortable for me was that she was practically a stranger to me, and I've never so much as gone over to a woman's house in the middle of the night for fear of misunderstandings. My reconciliation of my thoughts were that what I did had some value, but I truly do not know if I would ever do it so recklessly again. 

For this week I am taking time to be in the moment and to revel in the little things of life! This should set up nicely for the next post. 

It's pretty obvious that I've abandoned this writing space and that I only take to blogging an odd post every 11 months or so, but I'll have you know that I have been trying to journal more privately since the beginning of this year. In the past this online space served as my repository of thoughts, and for a good many years too! And why a return to this space now? I guess I was thinking along the lines of making my thoughts more public so that people can hold me accountable to what I express here. Although, to be fair, I am pretty sure I am writing to an audience of one (myself), and I doubt I will widely publicize this fact that I have returned!!! So if for some strange reason you've snuck around this blog from time to time even though there are no updates, the very lucky you will now get access to some of my thoughts, though sadly not unbridled because of the very public nature of anything on the internet. I promise to commit and dedicate some content here, at least for the next few weeks! But it will likely at some point peter off and lose its regularity, because I think I am rather lukewarm about this revival.

Whatever that will be written here will likely be an extension of what I've already written in my journals. But since my journals are more private in nature, you are extremely unlikely to read those, although I have written them for posterity's sake, so in the event that I die tomorrow, someone please unearth my notebooks and pour through my ruminations. For the record, the various notebooks I've kept served different functions. There's one just for poetry quotes from anthologies and collections that I've read, of which I'm half contemplating to turn into an actual Guan You-authored poetry journal. There's another one for notes from online sermons which I'm watching, mostly from Hillsong Church or Louie Giglio or Steven Furtick. I have several daily devotional journals from Covenant Evangelical Free Church, because I have been attending their church for a good half of this year. And I have one last main journal that I write my deepest and darkest secrets in, and this is the one that will provide inspiration for most of these blog posts here to come!

Forcing myself to write something has always helped me to bring clarity to my thoughts and feelings. The process of writing necessarily involves organization of content, unless I choose to write stream of consciousness style, in which case I wouldn't know why anyone would bother with my lucid insanity. Clearly, I've had cause for some stuff in my life to be devoted serious thought, so you're definitely welcomed to comment and advise accordingly! However, that would mean you have to plough through my verbosity, because mincing on wordy expositions has never been my strong point. I am very naggy, you have been warned.

I don't even know why would anyone care to read this anyway. My thoughts are not that important and they definitely hold little life-changing value. But if you were lurking and you made it this far, please holler your existence and let me know you're still here! Hopefully you know me in real life, although I am always up for interaction with strangers.

I hope you are as excited as I am looking forward to the blog posts that I will publish here within the next few weeks!