Wednesday 30 July 2008

Spent three hours at Sarah's house today! It's sort of an advance worship practice, cos I'm leading worship this Friday. I still think she's like this miracle on the piano, because her interpretation of the songs is largely what I sort of want it to sound like. Hahaha! Okay, only thing left is my singing. Horrible voice.

I think there's some sort of mini revival in my life right now, reminders of my young and innocent days! Campbell's alphabet soup at Sarah's today was NICEE! Been a very very long time since I've boiled any of those canned soups over the stove. That's it I'm going out to get one of those this very weekend!! Then a little while ago, Bing Lin lent me his mp3 player and I discovered he had this entire playlist of Backstreet Boys songs! So I got inspired and now there's all those Backstreet Boys hit songs that I used to listen to when I was in primary school! My favourite is still "Shape of my Heart".

I think that sometimes, I try too hard to please everyone. I need to decide for my own.

Tuesday 29 July 2008

Sigh. I'm feeling like crap now. Every time I think I'm doing something nice without any additional strings attached, it always shakes the whole world up like an earthquake, because everybody thinks it's a really big deal and I'll send the wrong implications and it's not good for him/her and I really do have some ulterior motives at heart and "ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T LIKE HER" and a million other doubts. And the hugely ironic thing is, people still wonder where our altruistic notions lie in this defunct society. I feel that I cannot do something without the entire world breathing down my neck!!

But I really do take all these considerations into heart, and I know that all these wouldn't even come my way if people weren't genuinely concerned about my life, and whatever else. Okay maybe I'm a little headstrong in that sense as well, because sometimes I just don't have a very strong perception about the entire thing. Or maybe I'm just not sensitive, nor am I visionary enough to see that this is eventually a bad thing to do. Whatever all you people criticize or comment or complain, it's not whizzing past my ears, and I do take them seriously.

Actually I think it's just one of those girl problems again. I never ever learn my lessons. In the end I always end up shattering someone's dreams, or I ruin the entire friendship. So the moral of the story is, I should just stay away from girls. Even my closest female friends aren't spared from this, and I think just in the past 2 months alone, this has gotten more and more true.

I hate my life. Where's Shannon for this kind of things? =(

Monday 28 July 2008

Okay. You might be doing something for the first time, and undeniably you'll be nervous. But the more times you do the same thing, and the more frequent you do it, the less frightening it becomes. This is perhaps one of the most fundamental components of life, and I'm really fascinated by it. Nothing beats seasoned experience. It breeds familiarity, expectations become a routine, and whatever else that is peculiar is a lot less menacing. I think it's really interesting how people respond to each learning opportunity. It makes the fact that we're only human a lot more glaring. The more proficient you are at something, the more efficient you become. And while you're at it, do remember to impart that experience to the younger ones.

"If you want a best friend, you've gotta find him/her from 5000 friends." How true, especially for me. I think it's not difficult for me to find new friends, but it takes a tremendous amount of work for a friendship that can withstand all the tests.

Samantha brightened my day today. Thanks for your company too. =)

Sunday 27 July 2008

Somehow today felt like a very very long day!! What with worship practice early in the morning, then various meetings after service, and dance prac! Time didn't exactly just fly by either, so I guess all in all I'm kinda glad to reach the end of today!

Amidst it all, I realised that patience with each other is very important. Most of the time, nobody can see eye to eye with anybody, so you have to be extremely careful not to rub people the wrong way. Gotta try to iron out all the differences so that everything's congruent. Blee. I wish this is a lot less hard work than what is always required.

Had a lengthy chat with Samantha today, because she was "alone alone alone alone" (twenty million times). And dinner with Tammy, before walking to her home and having sit-and-talk session.

Awesome friends that really matter in my life, for all the hugs and love and concern.

Friday 25 July 2008

I want a new acoustic-electric guitar! Once I decide that it's not another impulsive need, I shall go get it. But that also creates a fresh dilemma: what shall I do with my current guitar!!! It's a year and a half old Congress acoustic, so I've gotten quite attached to it. But I'm not that sentimental as to name my guitar, unlike Tammy and her violin Malachi hahaha. I improved tremendously from not-so-regular practice, and it has seen me through some performance and all those mulling times while preparing for worship leading. Or just quiet meditation time on my own. Part of me wants to give it away to whoever that wants it. Part of me wants to sell it to some buyer (very cheap, I'm thinking of a price like $30!!). The last part of me wants to just keep it for some other time.

Half day off today, cos we had out-camp run at East Coast. Helped out musically for worship prac. Refused to sing because I've been singing waaay too much this month! Cell group time was kinda happy. Celine was very lady-like today, like totally pleasant and nice!! Jewell was hyperactive and dramatic and out of control!!!!!!!

Wednesday 23 July 2008

I'm always amazed when people tell me they've been in a relationship with their boy/girlfriends for more than a span of 3 years. And I'm even more impressed at husbands and wives who've managed to stay married together for more than a year. Don't you ever get bored of your companion?? I think falling in love is the easiest thing, but actually committing to a lasting relationship is extremely torturous. I don't think I have the patience or the faith! Too many emotional baggage to leave behind.

That's why I don't think I'll ever get married! I'll just end up breaking all the nice girls' hearts.

Monday 21 July 2008

VERY SLEEPY VERY SLEEPY VERY SLEEPY. Slept like around 4 or 5 hours every night for the past three days. Saturday's NDP was terrible, because my phone rang like three million times and every single time it was someone going "Hello is this Corporal Low? Are you the boatman? We need to go now". I only gave my number to three people and it spread to like five thousand! Highlight of the day was getting caught in a thunderstorm, and I sped through the choppy waters and the strong winds and I couldn't see because the rain kept hitting my face.

Yesterday at church was a challenge to stay awake and alive. Worship prac early in the morning!! I was dozing off during Major Bob's sermon! But I was awake enough for the most important parts of it. It kinda helped a lot, especially with all my minor troubles and issues. Lo and behold hahahaha. Then there was YP Sunday combined rehearsal! The kids' dance moves are so much easier! I should run away from Wei Ting and go learn theirs and I think I can remember it all in time for YP Sunday. Then we worked on ours for the next 3 hours. And Tammy went J8 with me just to top up EZ-link cards and buy bread.

And today! Physio at Alexandra in the morning. My physiotherapist is transferring to some other ward! So sad. Had lunch, then it was mostly home because it was raining! Excellent for staying in to catch up on sleep. But I did go out for a while! Accompanied Samantha home from her school. I'm too nice a friend hahaha.

Some of the many pictures I took on Saturday.



















More pictures here, if you're remotely interested. Half of them were terribly underexposed though.

Friday 18 July 2008

My thought process is a bit haphazard now, so pardon me if you can't understand what I'm trying to say because I'm typing all of these as the logic in my head flows.

I decided to tell my mum about some of the troubles that I've been facing these few days. Some of it weren't really mine, but I was just asking on behalf of my friends, and mainly it's a lot about friendship and trust in people and relationships and stuff like that. The really resonant thing I got off from her response was that you cannot force other people to stop liking someone, or stop them from making friends whom they want to be with. And this is really frightening, because a little while ago Qiling's mum also told her just about the same thing!

But I thought seriously about it, and I came to the realisation that if that was the case, then it also simply means that nobody can stop me from liking someone and/or making friends with someone whom I want to be close with! Do you get what I'm driving at? It's this duality that I've completely missed out, because I've been too caught up trying to question why all my friends are running away with other people and leaving me stranded. Okay not all my friends hahaha that was just an exaggeration. But still it's there! So I've decided that nobody can stop me from making the friends I want for company! Because I think it's a proactive thing. You have to give and receive, and sometimes you have to make the first initiative, and a lot of times you have to voice out what you really think of the issue, instead of keeping silent and expecting other people to know what you're thinking.

And with those thoughts, I'm also determined to end my three-week emo sadness!! Yurong made me very sad!!!!!!!!!! Hehh okay she's got her reasons, and I suppose I didn't really take the right approach either, so there was this huge misunderstanding and I kept it to myself for this long! But it's cleared up now because she stalked me home today and thrashed out all the problems. It's funny how you can mention the frustration on either sides and it actually makes you feel better because you finally understand where the problem or miscommunication lies. Hahaha and don't worry that's not going to move you frantically down my pecking order of best friends, on accounts that you didn't want to jeopardise the friendship in the first place!! But still I think it was all bunk. Okie, this may not be the end to all my turbulent emotions, but at least it went some way to improve the entire situation.

I told my mum two days ago (in response to all these recent negativity) that I don't feel like finding a wife and committing my future and getting married anymore! Then she was like, what about grandchildren!!! And I was quite tempted to say that that can be solved easily by having many noncommittal flings and getting a child out of wedlock! But somehow I think if I told her that, she'll flip upside down and arrange me up for fixed matchmaking.

Cell group today was large. For the first time there were four of the girls (Jewell came down, Sam, Celine, Vanessa), and Shermin, and I seriously thought that maybe there really is a bimbo in me waiting to be unleashed! Too many little crazy girls!

And and, I'm horribly sun-burnt! Skin on my shoulders are totally sore and red!

Wednesday 16 July 2008

Third post today! I think it's some personal record for this blog.

SHOULD I REMOVE THE BIG BULLY FISH FROM MY FISH TANK?? For all of you who yet know, I have nine fishes housed in a tank at home. I don't know what kind of fish they are, but they're all red but they're not goldfish, and you can consider them the family pets because my hamster Nutseed (died last year) was probably the only furry animal that lived in my house. Anyway, one of the fish, the biggest of the lot, is a big menacing bully! Right from the start, it has established itself as the dominant king of the fish tank. They don't really fight with each other, but this bully eats the most and and chases all the other fishes away from his territory and snatches food from all the others and hence grew to be the biggest.

I'm thinking of removing him from the fish tank into a separate tank just for the fun of it hahahaha!! I want to experiment to see if some other fish will take over his dominance! But I'll probably have to ask my dad first because he's the one that cleans the tank and feeds them regularly.
Timothy Lim surprised me with his worldly wisdom and ease of perception today. Despite my very vague descriptions of obscure themes, he still managed to pinpoint exactly what was bugging me. And he offered me some advice which I'll never have thought of if I were to keep muddling on my own. He's like, on top of everything that's going on.

Sometimes I think I prefer those despairing moments when my life is in total shambles, rather than being upset over a particular something. I've had a few of those times when my entire world just crumbles and shatters over a major, life-changing event. I can't say I'm an expert, but I can at least take stock of things during those times because it's a been-there-done-that experience. Compared to a much smaller (but still significant enough) incident, it's harder to feel utterly despondent because you know you can still live on without it affecting you too much. But still, it's somewhat a fly in the ointment, because it makes you emo and sad.

How to deal with a heart filled with bitterness?
"Go in the rain now and count the number of raindrops, and you'll know how much I love you."

Haizzz. Remnants and vestiges of my failed relationships. This just came back to me suddenly last night, and I remembered how sweet I thought that was on its own when I first received it. And then a year later, someone else came across the same message and started proclaiming that I must be a fool not to have treasured what I have.

I think I've always failed miserably when it comes to commitment in friendships. Don't even mention relationships yet. Why why why why!! =(

And and and, I'm still very angry and disappointed with you!! The upset to my perfect balance, the start of all these sad things!

Tuesday 15 July 2008

TAMMY told me that she reads the entries on this blog selectively. She said she only reads those posts that has her name in it, or she's directly concerned in it. I don't know about you, because I don't even know what kind of readers I'm getting on this blog, but for her convenience (so that she reads my painstakingly crafted entries) I've put in capital letters whenever her name pops up.

And yup, the weekend was kinda emo in its own right. And I'm really really tired from lack of sleep! I think it's a waste that I spend every weekend languishing and wallowing in my own self-pity! There's so many things I've yet to do, and things around me aren't really assisting either. Aarghh. So sad.

Yesterday was bad too. Stayed at home mostly, but I did go out for dinner with Yurong at KAP. Then it was back to Bishan cos I'm helping TAMMY and Amelia with their literature. Huhh I find it hard to organise my thoughts! How to be a literature teacher like that!! I mean, I have no problems analysing poems myself, but it's bringing the ideas across to another person. And then I accompanied TAMMY on her way home, which was a very very long walk from corps! But it was mainly to take my mind off emo and sad things. This is for you TAM: despite all the bitching and conflicts and ignoring and being fierce with each other, you're still my very very good friend. =)

Sometimes I can't help but think that it's really more difficult to maintain true friendships the older you get. Because everyone grows up and time doesn't wait for you and everybody changes their perspectives and becomes more stringent with the stuff they keep personal, and before long you're hard pressed to find someone whom you really can confide in. I've always thought that I'm socially confident enough to strike a meaningful conversation with any stranger, but these days, I think I'm a lot more withheld. It's not that I'm getting shy, it's just that I'm a whole lot more apprehensive about the people I can trust and work well with.

I'm trying really hard to allow God to take control of everything else instead. Because I realised that the harder I try on my own strength, the more I seem to be drowning. Yeahh I know I have a compulsive disorder to take charge of everything. Darlene Zschech's wise words for me: "you've done it all, now let it go". But I have a question. When do you know you've put in your best? To what extent should I leave it for God?

Okiee. A side note. I've completed the editing for the Meet-The-Parents video! I'm satisfied with my creative interpretations, and it only took 2 days. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I must be really artistically talented.

Sunday 13 July 2008

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."


Above is an excerpt from John Donne's Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions. How apt this chance reading can get. Again, it reminds me of all the times I've tried and failed to form firm establishments between the world and myself. I never seem to fit in, do I? Everybody throngs in hordes and I'm always the the odd one out, sticking out like a bloody sore thumb. The whole world knows everything, but even if I'm right smack in the action, I know nuts over nothing because nobody bothers to tell me anything. I have to constantly fight for attention; I have to ask why what how when where; I have to prove my worth before I can have any decent friends.

But it takes a metaphysical poet to tell me that no man is an island. Much as I hate the world and its inhabitants, I still have to live and work with them. It's between me and God, but it's also interaction with man. Heart to God, hand to man.

Monday 7 July 2008

Physiotherapy early this morning at Alexandra Hospital, and of all people I met Edmond over there, because he had a medical appointment too. HAHAHAHA what a stupidly chance encounter. Anyway, the exercises left me very tired! My physiotherapist overworked me today and I realised that those big gym balls are kinda sinister. But I have a pre-planned agenda for today, so I continued on in spite of my back aches. I wanted to go down to Beach Road to sew the ranks for my uniform, and I needed to go get new earphones because I misplaced the old one and they just disappeared. Priscilla came along with me! She didn't have school today, and our plans to meet up was purely coincidental because we only fixed it late last night. It was a disaster hahaha she managed to get both of us lost at the army market all because we were trying to locate one shop (and it wasn't even open!). Then had lunch there, before heading down to Funan to get my earphones. I ended up spending more than I should!

That's when Tammy decided to call me and it just so happened that she wanted to go City Hall, so I told her to come and find me! Priscilla and I waited for her to arrive while we were at Starbucks, then Pris left to find her friends, and then Tammy and I went to Marina Square! She needed her gloves and amphibious water sports shoes, which I don't think is ugly at all but apparently it is hideous to her. After that we walked all the way to Carrefour at Suntec just to get two bottles of barley milk tea! HAHAHA guess what? When Tammy found out that they were on promotion, she went back to get one entire carton of 24 bottles because she claims that the drink is really good blah blah blah!! Oh gosh the astonished look on the cashier's face was priceless! She was trying to find a way to scan the drinks as there weren't any barcode on the cardboard of the carton. And we had to take a taxi home in the end, because it would look stupid lugging an almost-10kg carton on the bus or MRT. The taxi driver was funny hahaha. And we looked like husband and wife buying groceries!

OKIE, very tired. Chalking up sleep debts yet again, from all the late nights and early mornings. Need to go back camp! I feel like going to some hospital now and getting an MC just so I can stay out. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO SIGN ON AS A REGULAR?? And and and, WHY WOULD ANY GIRL WANT TO SIGN ON!!!

Sunday 6 July 2008

Yesterday was spent doing boats for NDP rehearsals again! Hahaha it was like some Animal Rescue day or something, because by the end of the day I've saved one hermit crab, one common myna and two fishes. Okay the hermit crab wasn't really "saved", because me and Asanga were so bored that we went to capture it while it was resting on a pillar just above the sea. We set it free in the end okay! But the bird was really really saved. Was on a boat in the waters at around evening time, and we were under Benjamin Sheares Bridge. And the thing was, the artillery guns for the 21-gun salute were just off the shore. When they started the firing, the noise was really deafening and the entire boat shook. That was when we saw this myna flying frantically from the noise, but it hit one of the bridge pillars and fell into the water! So we tried rescuing it with our boat paddle, but the stupid bird was super frightened and kept scrambling in the water. Then I said to it, "You're not a duck!" HAHAHAHA!! We did eventually manage to scoop it out of the water and the bird crawled to some corner of the boat, and we ferried it all the way back okay! Poor creature it was shivering like crazy, but getting it out of the boat was another adventure altogether. Screaming like we're trying to barbeque it or something. In the end we wrapped it up in cardboard and I let it go underneath some crevice so that it can dry itself out and fly again. And and, the two fishes! We were going at such a fast speed in the boat that these two stupid fishes jumped into boat on separate occasions, and they started flapping around so I had to throw them back into the water. Okaaaay my long long story about the animals hahaha! And the fireworks!! Got a very clear view yesterday! And since we get access to the fireworks platform, I realised that the aftermath is a very messy affair of debris and blinds.

Had to drag myself out of bed for church today because I reached home very very late last night, after all the delaunching of the boats. Back-up singing for worship today! After service there was this soup-bread lunch and a video to commemorate Founder's Day. And there was leaders' meeting.

Been thinking about whatever that's happening in church and everything that I'm involved in. I realised that although I'm quite involved with church, I still feel quite stagnant and uninspired. But somehow there's enough motivation for me to keep persevering, because the progress is there in dribs and drabs. What if one day I just decide all these aren't worth the effort and I throw away every responsibility that I had? People will continue moving on. Because I'm not indispensable, nor am I irreplaceable. I think all this time that I've been struggling to cope with servant leadership, I kinda neglected my own spiritual journey. Have I grown stronger in faith since two years ago?

Bleeee.

Friday 4 July 2008

I was really really tired this whole week. Wasn't sleeping very well because I had occasional insomnia on odd nights! And safety boats for NDP today. Then right after that I rushed down for worship practice because Adriel asked if I could play guitar on his behalf. But I ended up back-up singing instead because Meng Ren was playing. And and, if you're ever reading this, Meng Ren you're awesome!! Then Sarah gave message again and I was trying not to look dead serious. And cell group time was crazy fun! Celine, Samantha and Vanessa were totally wacky hahahaha I really enjoyed talking to them. At least that was something good that capped a really emo-wrecked week.