Okie. I think I've seen enough of Khairi to last me for a lifetime. I mean, I've seen him almost everyday in school for the past 2 years?? And now he's appearing in my holiday life with that same frequency as if he's hopelessly in love with me. Let's see. Monday I met him to go Praisehaven to go look through all those donated Salvation Army stuff. I bought a nice blazer there! Then Tuesday night I met him and Linus in town to go get chicken wings, cos we're going over to Ginny's house to prepare for the barbeque the next night (which was last night). Then last night, we put up a song item for everyone at Ginny's. He sang while I was on the guitar. There you go. My scandalous relationship with that guy who claims he's a diva.

Sigh. Other than that my life isn't too bad so far. I'm watching all the cartoons on Kids Central in the morning. I like the Ubin Boy series! And I watch Martin Yan's cooking shows. Oh yar Monday's shopping outing with Shermin was quite weird. We were at Arab Street and Haji Lane and maybe a little bit of Malay village? But we were decidedly happier at Bugis. Tuesday was supposed to be a mass dance meeting with Tammy, but we didn't do much. And yesterday was spent preparing for the barbeque.

17 or 18 or 19 or don't know how many people from the first-3-months class came for the barbeque! Which was awesome!! Mr Leong joined in too! And it became some happy reunion, catching up with one another, talking, eating, stuff like that. I haven't seen May Ee for a long time! Us guys marinated chicken wings according to my recipe (when it was supposed to be Khairi's) and cooked and played with fire. I think all of us are still the same old bunch of cuckoos. Haha!

I realised for the first time that there's actually more people that I know of that's going into NUS Geog with me too! Okay it's like, all along I thought there was only Jaslyn cos she says she wants to be a teacher, so I thought I'll meet her there after army and at NIE. That was the "free-time buddy" agreement, if you'll even call that an agreement. But last night I found out that Edwin and Linus are both setting their expectations on NUS Geog and being a teacher after that!! How cool is that?? Hahaha!!

Last night was supposed to be a sleepover at Eleanor's again, but I was tired after the barbeque. Cheryl's brother gave me and Sara a lift home. So we decided to postpone it to tonight. But then I'm meeting Chiew Yee and Qiling at town later, and I'm meeting Faith for a tea at 4pm? Then I need to go down to Pasir Ris to visit my Green Link people who's having a chalet there, and then rush for sleepover!

Let's see how the day works out eventually.

Haji Lane and Arab Street and wherever else me and Shermin can go later!! Then I'm meeting Khairi to go down to Praisehaven Salvation Army to look through all the second-hand stuff and see if we can find any gems at 4pm later.

Okay this wasn't as bad as I thought. In my mind I thought I'm going to face another rotten week at home decomposing and wallowing in self-pity, but I realised that I'm quite occupied actually. Green Link chalet's coming up this week! And so is the first-3-months A01 gathering at Ginny's.

Oh oh this is going to be good!!

A's ended on Wednesday! Whee! I think midway through the Lit paper I got a very heavy bout of exam fatigue. I was just writing for the sake of writing. Baah I don't care what's the results I'll worry about that 2 or 3 months from now. Anyway I'm going to get 3 As wad!!! Hahaha!! A'S IS OVER!

Wednesday after the paper, was at Far East. Then Taka. Then Heeren. With Kai Jie, Khairi, Janvin, Siew Peng, Jaslyn, Chiew Yee, Cheryl, Annie, Beets, Shi En and Liyana. They celebrated my birthday at Far East!

Thursday was at Vivo with Khairi, Janvin, Linus and Benny. Then we went Bugis. And Raffles Place.

Friday was mostly at home. With my parents at Thomson Plaza. Then church at night. Cell group was only me and Biru and Rachel?? We hid out in the girls' toilet.

And today. Meeting at 11am for Aaron's logistics for drama camp. Meeting at 5pm for Joel's hospitality for drama camp. Meeting at 7pm for Cheryn's drama for drama camp. Goodness. Baah I'm going town to meet Atiqah later.

Life's kinda monotonous. I expected my end of A's to be LIBERATING, not CONSTRICTIVE. I feel contrived cos I've got nothing to do. I'm going window shopping everywhere to find suitable outfits for grad night. But after a while, it just becomes boring cos everywhere you see the same shops and shirts and pants!! Sigh. There's nothing much to do. All my friends are going to work while I'm still stuck at home. I'm not planning to find a job till next year cos I want to rest for a while and be involved for the drama camp.

AARGH. Call me out people!! Date me, invite me, welcome me, ASK ME OUT!! Yes yes ask me out!! I think I'm going to rot at home if I don't go out. Don't be shy!! If you like me just ask me out!! Hahahaha!! Gosh that's so thick-skinned. No seriously. If you've got nothing to do, ask me out. Or don't say no when I ask you out.

Thanks to Annie's humongous picture of me and her on her blog! And thanks to Rachel for her Fiona Xie and Buttercup pictures on her blog too!!

Oh oh! I watched the new season of Powerpuff Girls on Kids Central this morning! AAAAHHHHHH VERY VERY NICE!! I really really love Buttercup! Hahaha she's always so rough and tough and hot-tempered and impatient! This morning on the show she met some Tibetian monk that called her GRASSHOPPER?? Hahaha!!

I love little kids. Do you think I should go work in some pre-school childcare?

YAY YAY IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! Hahaha I'm very happy! Somehow being eighteen is not as scary as I thought it to be. Last night I even stayed up late specially just to celebrate my own birthday!! My family don't even care about me la they happily went to sleep at 10pm?? So I was all alone trying to study Brave New World while I started counting down to my impending doom. I thought at 12am sharp, some giant monster will come and attack me!! Or some huge dinosaur will stomp into my room and devour me whole!!! I don't know why I was being so silly, but I was really frightened of being attacked or devoured okay!!

But nothing of that sort happened. The moment my phone's clock reached 00:00, I started dancing in my room with my sister asleep. Then I sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME 5 consecutive times. I'm just happy! For some strange reason I'm thankful that I can live till my 18th birthday and that I'm not resting in pieces in some monster's stomach.

Hahaha!! Okay here's to all those who messaged me happy birthday today or yesterday or the day before! Qiling sent me the first birthday message yesterday night cos she thought it was yesterday. Then Annie's next at 11.30pm last night, cos she just wanted to be early. At 11.55pm I sent LUKE WEE HAN JIE a birthday message (he's borned on the same day as me!) and he replied telling me not to be shitty. Err... Okay then the first "punctual" message was Janvin! Then Jia Mein and Sara and Khairi and Tian Li and Jaslyn (with a missed call) and Atiqah (her phone died miserably) and Priscilla's "like it or not you're 18"! I don't care I can be age 5 if I want to!! This morning, Sheng-De sent one, then Yurong and Yun Zhen and Hong Yi ("wind to thy wings") and Lynn and Joel Tan and Hsiu Tzu and Connie and Rachel Kwan (with her promise of Fiona Xie) and Cheryn and Chris Ngoh and Tammy's bimbotic message!!!

I'm very happy! And thanks to Biru for the surprise celebration on behalf of the cell group, Eleanor for the bear present and cake yesterday, and to Khairi, Jas, Annie and Joy for that cake surprise and nonya kuehs today! We were studying at KAP today, and they suddenly conjured up a surprise without me knowing. Wahaha how come I'm so easily surprised nowadays?? Oh and my mum who bought me a cake last night. And Shi Hui who sent her greetings long ago before she went Vietnam. Thanks thanks! I love you all!

Somehow it's weird spending my birthday studying. But I don't care I'm happy. My wish is to become a Powerpuff Girl!! Do you think that's possible? I want to be Buttercup and fly off to save the world with a streak of green behind me! Rachel said she'll help me become one, but she wants to turn me into Bubbles instead. EEYER. And I'm framing up my SEVENTEEN magazine or something, after Jas returns me. It'll be a reminder of how I spent my last day of my life as a 17-year-old.

And A's ends tomorrow! Going prom shopping after that. My mum just told me that we're not going KL this week cos my parents haven't planned anything yet so we'll go in December or something. Oh oh and we're going to wear our red school ties to school tomorrow for our last paper, and Annie and I are going in our nerdy specs!

I can't wait!

Shucks! I should have gone to the movies yesterday and try and sneak into some M18 show while I was still 17! I've never sneaked into any movies that's not my age limit before! I'm a law-abiding citizen!! AARGH why didn't I think of it?? Maybe I'll sneak into a R21 show before my 21st birthday.

As for now, I hope my Buttercup wish comes true. I really want to be a superhero. And it's one year older for me. I'm 18 now. I'm one more step closer to my 93rd birthday. 78 more birthdays to go.

AAARRRGGGGHHHH!! In case you haven't noticed my scream, AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! The day I've been dreading for the past 3 months has finally arrived!! It's my 18th birthday tomorrow! If this is not cause for concern, then I don't know what else is more alarming. OH MY GOSH!! Can I please die right now, so I don't have to live till tomorrow?

But somehow I'm relatively happy. Relatively. Hahaha!! Actually I've gotten over the horror of me turning old already. Thanks to some inspiring thoughts from some of my more worldly-wise, more mature, older friends who have assured me that growing old is part and parcel of life. I still don't want to turn 18, but I've realised the inevitability of time rearing it's unwelcomed presence upon me. And I also realised that in order for me to reach my desired 93rd birthday, I must first overcome my 18th birthday, my 19th, my 20th, my 21st and so on. Being Peter Pan just will not work.

That said, I decided to enjoy my last day as a seventeen-year-old! HOORAY!!

Err okay. So far all I've done today is to go for breakfast with my parents, went KAP to study until Annie and Khairi came, then they left 2 hours later to go Holland V. Then I went down to Eleanor's again for an early birthday celebration. Hahaha she has some unearthly obsession with wanting to be early for everything. She was the first to give me my first birthday present for this year (a weird looking bear container that she took 2 weeks to find). Okay granted that I'll be busy after tomorrow and she'll be busy tomorrow. And I won't be in Singapore to celebrate our 3rd anniversary either, so we, or rather, she, decided to celebrate in advance.

Thanks Eleanor the fruitcake! You know how much I "love" you!! HAHAHA.

Last Friday during cell group time, Biru surprised me with a cake too! Hahaha she was like, "but we must have cell today!!" cos I told her it's late already and to call it off. So I happily went to hop around in the auditorium when actually she was preparing a celebration outside. And it really was a surprise cos I didn't expect it at all. YAY!! And she gave me a cap.

Oh oh. I must blog about Friday. You see, since I'm going KL at the end of this week and I'm actually supposed to lead worship this week, I had to swap slots and so I led last Friday instead. It was quite a hurried plan? But it was quite good. Until Joel came up to me and requested we sing an additional song as a teaser for the drama camp (Jeff Deyo's "These Hands"). So we all frantically tried to practice for the song but we only had 10 minutes, and the verses and bridge were strangely flat or sharp in some lines! And I made a fool of myself trying to add actions to the song onstage. But groovy it's good! Haha!

Saturday I was at Ang Mo Kio with Qiling to study. At AMK library, the newly-renovated KFC and the new McCafe. Yesterday I was at KAP alone trying to study. And today, being my last day as a 17-year-old teen, I decided to go waste $3 to buy a SEVENTEEN magazine. I mean, it's for girls! I've never bought one before, although I've read some before from friends. HAHA! What a silly thing to do. The Indian uncle at Cold Storage stared at me like I was pervertic or something, then I told him it's for my girlfriend. HAHA! Don't care la. I shall aim to do a few more idiotic, to-do-before-18 things later.

Qiling wished me happy birthday last night at 2am. Silly girl it's tomorrow! Don't make my birthday sound anytime early than it is. But thanks I'm looking forward to your treat!

I don't think I'm doing anything for my birthday tomorrow. I shall study. I promised myself not to slack and to study hard for my last remaining Lit paper on Wednesday.

I've been looking through all my birthday messages that I've received for last year. Some are silly, some's dreadfully poignant, some are nice and sweet, and some are horrid. Sigh. When will I ever learn??

GUAN YOU'S PREFERRED, PRACTICAL, PERFECT BIRTHDAY PRESENTS
#1. A fighter jet.
#2. FIONA XIE!!!!!
#3. Entire damned collection of Enid Blyton books that she's ever written.
#4. Volkswagen Beetle (choice of red, orange or pink).
#5. Some off-shore island like Pulau Ubin.
#6. A 350-hectare jungle.
#7. A duck farm.
#8. Birmingham castle.
#9. A Russian girl as a wife (who won't mind her kids named Heather and Feather).
#10. Breakfast, lunch or dinner treats.

Sigh. Except for the last item on the list, I think I'll be a sad kid tomorrow.

I LOVE TED HUGHES. And I'll be looking forward to tomorrow.

I've got slightly more than 2 hours before my "unseen" Lit paper. That means I'm in school now. Actually I've been in school since 8am this morning. Crazy hur?? I happily decided to wake up early to find the biggest worm in my school library. But sigh, the library's so clean that there's no worms around. And what in the world was I thinking? IT'S AN UNSEEN PAPER AND I CAN'T REALLY PREPARE FOR IT. I should have stayed at home to get more sleep right?? I read through all my techniques, notes, poem notations, Whitby's notes, everything, within half an hour flat. Then I migrated to the canteen just now. Judith's there now. I decided to walk around the school for a while to organise my thoughts, and somehow I ended up here (BYTZ).

Yesterday was quite weird. After my Geog paper, I went to corps to prepare for tonight's worship. And that took a silly-ly long 3 hours. Then I went home and slept for 2 hours. Then I watched that Korean show which took another hour. I cleaned my hamster's cage for fun, cos I cleaned it 3 days ago and there was no need for me to do so. Then my neighbour came up asking for help with her maths, so I helped her. She's very pretty and cute and adorable! Best of all, she's got curly hair. BUT, SHE'S ONLY PRIMARY 2 THIS YEAR! Sigh. And she likes her liquid paper so much that I think she'll grow up to be like Jaslyn.

GARRGH. I'm feeling nervous again. Leading worship. Unseen Lit texts. And it's the middle of the month now, so that means my periodic end-of-the-month mooding will come soon.

NO. I shall resolve to be happy. WHEEE.

Do you think I should propose to my neighbour? But her mum will freak out though.

Ooh okie. Today's Human Geog. I think my Geog essays are improving! They've got more structure, more content, more evaluation, more analysis and more quality! But then again, I HAVE to improve. I mean, it's A'Levels now! If I don't improve now, when do I want to improve?? Hahahaha!! Okie okie. Human Geog essay was good for me. The tourism question asked for carrying capacity and society/cultural impact of tourism. That was easy. Then the population one asked for Boserup and demographic transition? It was phrased weirdly but I think I did okay. DRQ was quite bad. I overspent my time on essays and the questions weren't straightforward. So my conclusion was, half the paper was okay and the other half was bad.

Halfway through the paper, I suddenly got tired of things. I'm having exam fatigue! This is the third week of A's. I think I'm getting quite sick of studying and writing essays and doing paper after paper. Sigh. But at least there's only 2 more papers left! 6 more hours, 5 more essays, then I'm done. Perservere on!

Oh oh! I'm going KL on 23rd. I think for 2 or 3 days I think? My mum announced it quite suddenly two days ago. Funky eh? Then I figured I can go get some of my prom stuff there. But that also means I have to exchange worship leading slots with Biru and Sarah. So now I'm leading worship this Friday, especially when I was happily thinking that I don't have to sing this week and I went to eat gallons of fried food and chilli and rubbish food.

The past 2 days were quite exciting. Haha Tuesday was at school library with Atiqah, met some of the Econs people who had a paper that day. We went to "steal" Khong Guan biscuits from outside the office! Actually they were just there for all A's students to take.

Then yesterday I happily went to Expo for Clean & Green Week Schools' Carnival. With Priscilla! Haha we took like an hour there and an hour back? Maybe less. But it was quite worth it cos the exhibitions were funky. I was very impressed with all the primary and secondary school students that were there, cos they can communicate their ideas so fluently and effectively! Most of the booths had some weird science apparatus?? I haven't done anything Chemistry-related for 2 years! But Priscilla knew enough la. Hahaha!

And I want to blog about the fashion show thing thing! They got schools to send in "models" and decorate them with outfits made from recycled materials. There's an actual runway on the stage, so it's really like Proj Runway. I liked the St Andrew's one cos they had 4 or 5 guys in various black outfits? There was a samurai, a Darth Vader, a Phantom of Opera, some thing like that. Then the winning team was a group of girls from some school? Here's the best bit: they were as good as half-naked. 4 out of 5 of the girls were in short skirts, stilettos and some cloth that covered a bit of their torso only. Then they added things like plastic straws or goodness knows what to make it look a bit Egyptian and a bit classic-looking.

Okay I admit they were all good-looking. I think the girl with the least cloth was one who probably wore her bra or her bikini on stage and added some nice embellishments to it. Her entire back was exposed. Gosh you know how cold Expo halls are? And there was this poor girl, bless her soul, she was slightly plump and not as good-looking as the other 4. She was covered from head to toe in some pink cloth that looked like some wedding gown. SO POOR THING! Just because she wasn't as pretty and she didn't have a good figure, she was covered in some dreadful ratty cloth!

Whee. I didn't know my Green Link's gonna be doing a booth there too. So I didn't notice "National JC" at all until Priscilla pointed it out to me. Mr Loh and Wang Mo and Karen were sitting there. Hahaha! Said hi to them, said hi to Joe from GVN too and we went back to Toa Payoh to study for 4 hours.

Okay I need to prepare my worship.

Today was Lit Paper 1. George Herbert's poems, George Eliot's Silas Marner and Shakespeare's King Lear. I can't believe I spent a total of 3 hours doing my 3 essays on those 3 texts, when I've spent 2 entire years examining every single word of those 3 texts!! Err okay maybe not every word. But this really sucks la. I feel as though something close to me has been wrenched apart. I've grown to like Herbert so much that I can't bear to put him down. But I love Ted Hughes more! And Ted Hughes' paper is on in slightly more than a week. I've got one more week to spend with my darling Hughes before I've gotta put him down too.

Okay the actual A's paper was okay. 3 hours may seem a really long time, but it vanishes the moment you finish three essays. My King Lear context question was quite bad. I don't know what I was rambling about, I ended up writing about weird things. Then my Marner context was so-so. For your info my Silas Marner is still quite blank. I only read till chapter 5 before I gave up studying?? So I'm mightily glad that the context came from Chapter 1. WHOOPPEE. Then George Herbert. Cambridge gave us 'Prayer (1)' which was just a collection of weird images like "Exalted Manna" and don't know what. Ask me and I'll show you. So I debated for 10 minutes about whether I should do the essay question or not, cos I've never done a Herbert essay in my 2 years of Lit. Well I did (discuss Herbert's poetic strategies in praising God), and I think it came out more coherently and more structured than I intend it to be. So out of 3 essays, I've got one rubbish, one medium and one excellent.

What are my chances of getting 3 As?? I had quite a lot of time today. Surprisingly. I rushed through my Prelims, but today's 3 hours seem quite sufficient. So I spent my time thinking about how to strategise to get my A for Lit. I realised that each Lit paper is 33.3%, and 2 out of 3 of those papers have 3 texts each. So that means King Lear is 11.1%, and Marner is another 11.1% and so is Herbert. I think my Herbert essay is good enough but my Lear's horrible. Going by that, I have effectively flunked about 10% of my combined Lit score! But it's quite impossible for you to get a ZERO for a text right? And it's A's so they might moderate or something. Assuming that the rest of my 66.6% is brilliant, I still can get A! Ah ha!

Went to Namly Cafe with Khairi Annie and Jas after the paper to eat, then studied there for a while before going KAP. Then I went to see Eleanor for a while.

And oh!! Priscilla agreed to go Clean and Green School's Carnival with me! Yay yay I'm going to see those Mr and Ms Environment or something.

Yurong happily messaged me that day at KAP that she don't want to study anymore. Then I replied "don't study lor. don't go for exams, don't go uni don't need to get a good job don't need to succeed in life! be a social failure be a miserable misfit be a burden to society be a good for nothing!". Depressing hur? But that's what A's is all about. Sigh.

I'm still kinda stucked up. I think I'm better off not talking. I just like hearing myself being silent.

At Qiling's house now with Khairi! Okay. My own apologies first. I think I sounded a bit too emo on my previous entry. And I think I caused a lot of unnecesary distress to a lot of people, especially to Jas and Annie. So here's the clarification. Nope people I'm not as sad as you think. In fact I'm happier than I've ever been for the past 3 months!! I've had quite good papers for my A'Levels and I've got excellent friends mugging with me and my family's been absolutely supportive of me. I'm happy people, I'm really happy.

But, I admit that I'm feeling dumb and stupid and inadequate. I'm going to be 18 in 10 days exactly, and I don't want that to happen. I'm going to end A's in 11 days exactly, and I don't want that to happen cos when it does, it means I'm 18. I don't want Christmas to come cos I'm still hopelessly clinging to Shannon's shadow. I'm tired. I tried! I really did. I really did try to tell myself constantly that she's dead and she's happily in heaven doing goodness knows what. But another part of me just wants to believe that this is all a huge dream and maybe when I wake up, she'll be beside me.

3 long years. It's almost 3 years since she passed away. I've gone through 2 Christmas-es so far after Shannon's death. The first one was horrible. The second one (last year) was just me cooping myself at home and crying my guts out. I'm sooo not looking forward to the third one. I wish I were an ordinary person on the street. I wish I didn't have to resort to pretending to enjoy Christmas and put on a falsified, happy face and give out presents and wishing people Merry Christmas when in fact I wish they'll leave me alone.

Was talking to Qiling last night for 2 whole long hours, until about 3am in the morning?? Then I told her Spongebob Squarepants is on TV this morning at 9.30am. But I made a silly mistake, cos the show was at 9am. So I happily woke her up at 9.25am thinking that I did a good deed by waking her up. But she sent me a "I HATE YOU, YOU SUCK" message later on. And she even blogged a hate post about me on her blog!! Evil.

But I forgive her la. Partly cos I'm at her house now. And partly cos she's full of insight too. She told me time and change is inevitable. She told me time will always move on. So that means sooner or later I'll turn 18. And 19 and 20 and so on. And that means that I'll have to go through Christmas next year and the year after and so on too. Unless I'm Peter Pan or something, I cannot expect to keep running away from facing Shannon's death anniversary.

Chiew Yee's grand-dad passed away. In the middle of A's too. Somehow I think I don't do death very well. I just want to escape and escape and escape and not think about death. Sigh. They said you shouldn't hide your grief about death, but I think I'm doing the exact opposite. I don't want people to know that I'm sad. I don't want people to know that I'm hurting deep inside. I want to pretend to be Superman. But I don't think I do that very well. My sad emotions just flow out naturally.

For now, I don't know what I want to do. I've decided to NOT make any resolution to get over this or whatever, cos I know it's quite impossible for me at the moment. I'm happy living life the way I am now, so I'll keep it this way. I shall happily continue to brood about Christmas and be moody and be all stucked up. I shall continue to throw tantrums and have mood swings and be all emo and act Superman or whatever. At least that sounds like what I would do. Doing these things might actually keep me happier that way.

Sorry Jas and Annie! You girls didn't do anything wrong. And thanks too for all the concern; I'm really fine. Just let me be a spoilt brat until Christmas is over. Forgive me in advance.

Last night during cell group, Rachel cracked me up. For some weird reason. We started annoying Biru with our hot, pretty faces and goodness knows what. Tammy too! She gave me stolen filter paper from her O's practical. It's silly things like these that keeps me going now. I don't want to be philosophical and start questioning God why Shannon has to die and all that stuff. I don't want to think. I just want to sit here and sulk and pout my lips.

I've gotta go concentrate on my A's first. I'm telling the whole world that I'm going to get 3 As come next March. It's my motivation to study, and since I told the whole world already, I figured I better really produce some As.

There you go. My pretty face on Rachel's blog. Thanks!

Sigh. Sometimes I think I'm the biggest loser on earth. AARGH!!! I told myself a million times to get over it but I just can't!! Everything in me just wants to resurface and haunt me forever and ever and ever. I HATE MYSELF!!! Stupid idiotic Guan You. I keep telling myself to face it just the way it is, or rather, face it just the way it was. But it's just dumb. I HATE MYSELF!!! Aargh. Each day that draws nearer, I'm living life with increasing fear and trepidation. I'm wishing things never happened this way. I wish she hadn't done this to me. AARGH.

From now on, for my benefit, please do not mention Christmas in front of me. I don't want to hear about how you celebrated Christmas last year or the previous year. I don't want to know how you are going to celebrate your Christmas this year. I don't want to hear any Christmas carols or Santa Claus or gifts or cards or some fake cheery SEASONS GREETINGS.

And I realised my birthday is nearer than ever. I don't want to turn 18. I hope my birthday never comes. I hope A'Levels never end. Then my birthday will never come.

AARGH. Things are just bad. Go away. Leave me alone.

HOORAY!!! Haha Maths paper 2 is super easy!! YAY YAY YAY!! Okay la actually it wasn't that easy. It's just that I knew how to do like 90% of the questions that's why it's easy to me. Paper 1 on Tuesday was quite bad. The questions were not straightforward like the past years! But I thought it wasn't that bad la. Haha. I don't know. But paper 2 is really really good. It was a huge confidence booster!!! Cos these past one or two months I've been doing pure maths only, and I haven't touched statistics since Prelims!! This morning I was with Kai Jie at KAP (Annie and Khairi joined in later) and I realised I didn't know my COMPLEMENTARY PROBABILITY at all!! Like P(X<2) x="1)" x="0),">2) is equals to 1 - P(X=1) - P(X=0). Yar this is like the basic property of probability and I got it wrong!! So Kai Jie patiently sat beside me and explained everything. And I told myself during the exam to draw number line (that's so juvenile) if I have to do complementary prob, which I did, and I could do almost all the questions!! AAAHHHHHH I'm very happy!! And I wrote a huge REMEMBER TO DO CONTINUITY CORRECTION / CENTRAL LIMIT THEOREM across my exam script and I remembered!! Yay I'm very happy, especially when I haven't touched stats at all for my revision until today. And after the paper Jas started screaming "NO MORE MATHS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE", and I couldn't agree more.

Yesterday was Physical Geog. YAY YAY YAY it's another big HOORAY for me too!! Cos a lot of the questions that came out were what Ms Ting gave us for Prelims! Can you believe such luck?? Ms Ting must be some really experienced teacher, or some prophet, or some messenger from some god, or she knows someone from the Cambridge top brass. The rocks and landforms question asked about plate tectonics in relation to nature and distribution of volcanoes, and I just so happened to read through the level-marking scheme that Ms Ting gave us for Prelims answers, so I happily included everything!! The deserts essay wasn't too bad although I wrote nonsense for soils. And I thought DRQ was kick-ass??? HAHAHA somebody please reassure me that I'm not cuckoo. I decided to heed Ms Lim's advice for DRQ, to put one point per paragraph. And most of my points were like 2~3 sentences?? The shortest was "slumping is the quickest mass movement while creep is the slowest". I'm hoping to get one mark for this! Atiqah thinks this is impossible but I don't care.

I told Samuel that actually A'Levels very easy wad!! I think I can easily get 3 As!!! HAHAHA I only finished one and a half papers and I can foresee myself getting 3 As!! Hee hee hee!

Priscilla and Rachel Kwan and Tammy told me about their English for O's. You're supposed to write an essay on the topic "dreams", or some nature reserves in Singapore question. Sigh I wish I was back in O's.

Chiew Yee FINALLY returned my radio thing thing after keeping it with her for 50000 years. Yay Chiew Yee is my good friend!! Hahaha okay this sounds weird.

Ookay I think A's is nothing at all. Nothing. I've finished Maths and GP and Phys Geog. Left with the Lit papers and Human G. So far so good. Yeah I can do this!!!!

I had quite a frustrating day trying to understand weathering and rocks and plate tectonics. Just can't seem to get all the concepts easily. Somehow my brain's not as quick and productive like the past few days. Maybe it's Serene Centre. Maybe it's the environment. Maybe it's the Sunday crowd. AARGH I don't know I don't want to think about it. I'm just frustrated that I cannot keep up with my schedule.

Hmm. I think I'm being too hard on myself. I really should unwind more and learn to relax and take things less seriously. Exam stress. Sucks.

Anyway, today's Serene Centre with Khairi, Annie and Qiling. I always thought Serene Centre is permanently serene cos everytime I'm there, there's very little activity going on. So I happily thought it'll be equally serene on a Sunday, but it was quite bustling today. Haha. And it's not helping when all the expats decide to bring their irresistibly-cute, utterly-beautiful, gorgeous-and-charming kids out.

Then the 4 of us happily decided to stop studying and went over to Botanic Gardens to play! We bought bread to feed the swans and pigeons. I tried letting the swans eat out of my hand! I mean, Whitby said they're supposed to be graceful and loving and elegant and all that, so I thought they'll peck gently or something. Rubbish! They were all aggressive and their beaks are so huge that one of them accidentally bit on 4 of my fingers and tried to wrench them off my hand.

Snapping photos. Had fun. Did crazy things. Haha okay my only consolation for not studying effectively was that we had fun.

I think I am quite fussy when I study Geog. I mean, it's quite different from how my other friends study! Like Atiqah for example. She likes to write notes and draw mind maps and all that cos she says it helps her to "see the link". Then she'll happily remind me that Ms Ting praised her a long long time ago that Ms Ting thinks she's "one of the few conscientious students who can always see the link". Bleagh! But for me, I don't like to make notes or draw mind maps! I don't even underline or highlight my notes. I just read and read and absorb, and the linkage will formulate itself in my brain.

Haha okay maybe this is what they call different studying techniques. And maybe it's also why I'm so frustrated today cos I can't see much links from whatever that I was reading. I think I'm weird. Yeah. I think I'm being rather hypocritical calling Jas weird, cos sometimes I realise I'm more weird than her.

Oh I remembered what I wanted to blog about this morning! I finished reading the Enid Blyton book on the Faraway Tree which I borrowed from Ginny. Yesh yesh it's very nice! Haha I think it's comparable to Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland! I think Moon-Face is the nicest character in the whole series! And I sure would like to visit all the funny strange lands!! Hahaha I think Enid Blyton blends the entire fantasical, whimsical elements nicely! And she made loads of lame jokes too! Haha it's a nice story thanks Jas for intro-ing me to it!

Hahaha ookay. I'm reading Enid Blyton instead of my Lit texts. Whatever. Oh well. Why doesn't Cambridge include Enid Blyton as a literary classic?? Sigh. Sometimes I think I'm behaving as if my A's are next year. All of a sudden I'm bumping into all my neighbours everywhere, and the first thing they ask me is "your A'Levels year right? Got study hard not?". Then I'll give a sheepish grin and point to my David Waugh or my Maths file or whatever and say "yar you see my textbook/file so thick!"

And just the other day, I was at the bus-stop opposite J8 and this middle-aged man came up to me. I was holding my David Waugh in my arms, and he saw the huge "GEOGRAPHY" word sprawled across the cover so he started to ask me what I was learning now. Turned out that he was a Geog student at A'Level too, except that he graduated in the 1970s?? Then he started talking about how there are 3 different theories accounting for the formation of corals, and he explained the 2 or 3 theories on how inselbergs are formed. Whoo hoo I think he knows enough to rival Ms Ting! Haha!

Okay I think I'm just wasting my time here. I shall go study my Geog. For photos of today, click here.

Okay I think I've accomplished some form of grand slam. I'VE STUDIED EVERY DAY OF THE PAST 5 DAYS WITH KHAIRI AND ANNIE. Yesterday was at KAP with Khairi and Annie (duh!) and Jaslyn. It's kinda repetitive I guess. Everytime I raise my head up from my books, I see someone familiar.

It's been quite a "learning" week so far. I'm learning Maths. I'm learning Geog. I'm learning how to face my inner demons. I'm learning how to talk about my life. I'm learning to open my closet to reveal all my hidden skeletons. Yeah I agree some things are better late than never. Sometimes you don't even know stuff about your supposedly-close friends.

Aargh why is this post so emo-sounding! I'm blogging in such a mysterious and vague fashion! It's so Yurong! Okay I shall snap out of it and blog properly.

Oh oh! I forgot to mention this. Hong Yi messaged me after my GP paper yesterday to inform me that NJ's awarded Green Lotus again for the Green Audit!! Hooray yippee yahoo!! Third year running! That means we get some sustained achievement recognition or something!! AAAHHH I'm so happy for my Green Link juniors!

Okay I wanted to blog about something but I can't remember what. Going out to study with Khairi and Qiling at Serene Centre.

HAHAHA finally finally!! A'Levels began today. YAY! I've been counting down to today since three months ago, and it's finally here!! I don't know why in the world am I so happy. Haha I really don't know. I figured that since I'm counting down to today, I might as well rejoice and celebrate!! It's reverse psychology. Maybe if I keep looking forward to all my papers and try and be excited about them, I might score better. Haha MAYBE.

Okay I was nervous la. I think for the past 3 days I've been quite uptight. Khairi and Annie will tell you how monosyllabic I've been or how I look so dead or how I find almost everything uninteresting. And I didn't really sleep well last night. I dreamt that I woke up at 4.3oam and walked around the house. Then later on in the night I woke up and saw the clock reading 4.30am, so I knew that the previous "waking up" was a dream. Then I had another dream of me mugging until 4.30am. And I kept waking up throughout the night at various times. By the time I woke up in the morning, I don't know which were dreams and which were reality. Most spooky is Khairi telling me that he woke up at 4.30am too.

GP was okay. Essay was okay, except that I had a sudden insight halfway through the paper and my introduction didn't quite match the rest of the content. And the comprehension was much easier and straightforward! Okay maybe I won't fail A's after all.

But assuming that I'm going to fail GP! Then there's no point for me to study for my remaining subjects! Right?? Right?? RIGHT!! So I should just assume that I flunked my GP already and there's no hope for me anymore. Then I don't need to study anymore!! YAY. No more Maths and Lit and Geog. I'm going to be a social failure. I'm going to be a road sweeper. I'm going to be a good-for-nothing brat.

Assuming I fail, that is.

After exams today a few of us went to behind the school to eat. Then we went to Estivo's. Long long time since I was there. I miss Linus and May Ee and whoever that used to go Estivo's!! Then we went back school to study. Me and Jas met Ms Sim for a short consultation. Then Khairi and Jas and me went to KAP to eat.

Haiya I think to study is pure agony!! That's why I can't wait for A's to begin.

Oh oh me and Chiew Yee switched back our phones. Now I'm having trouble messaging again cos I keep mixing up the buttons all over again!! Chiew Yee's phone has her space button on the #-key but mine is the 0-key, then to change the word you have to press the 0-key on hers but it's *-key for mine, and so on and so on like everything's different. AARGH this is dumb. I just got used to her phone and now I have to get used to MY OWN PHONE. Blee. And she forgot to return me the radio thing thing!! And she forbids me to delete all her "good luck for A's" messages! AARGH this is tyranny!

Okay i'm just whining. Okay time to study. Bye.