Stolen from Jean's blog! I'm bored haha.

1)How many texts are in your inbox?
34! I usually save all the sweet and meaningful and "I LOVE YOU" messages! I've got some that are two or three years old. Rarely go through them to reread it, but I'm just too sentimental to delete them.

2)When did your last hug take place?
Yesterday? =P

3)Are you a jealous person?
Everyone's jealous to some extent. I would let my girlfriend go out with all the guys she wants as long as there is a basic trust, but I would feel upset if I'm left out of something involving friends.

4)Are you tired right now?
Yeah. Not enough sleep.

5)Do you chew on your straws?
I used to chew all the hard and thin and small Vitagen and Yakult straws! But I stopped doing so because it's disgusting haha.

6)Have you ever been called a tease?
Nope.

7)Do you like to cuddle?
Sometimes I feel like a teddy bear.

8)Do you cry easily?
Lately, yes. It depends on the occasion actually. I don't cry over scenes in TV and I don't cry over insults or discouragements or if I hurt myself. I'm more of a words person, like I would tear if you say something that touches a raw nerve.

9)Are you a heavy sleeper?
Most of the time quite light sleeper.

10)Where is your cellphone?
On the table.

11)Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
Yeah. Although I might get sick of her already hahahaha.

12)Are you mad at someone right now?
No.

13)Do you believe in love at first sight?
I always think it's stuff of movies, but I say yes yes yes.

14)What makes you laugh out loud?
If you do something really silly!

15)Who was the last person you talked to?
Samantha last night. I woke up this morning and my family's out of home already.

16)Name one person on your top friends who is most like you.
Don't have! They are all water and oil with what I am.

17)Do you get butterflies when around the person you like?
Yes hahaha when I was still a teenager.

18)Will you get married?
Ideally, yes. But to actually get there, I have a lot of doubts.

19)When was the last time you smiled?
Ehh now?

20)Does anyone like you?
I don't know.

21)Do you secretly like someone?
Noo I'm very happy being single and not having silly crushes on anyone!

22)Who was the first person you talked to today?
No one yet. My whole family's out of house.

23)Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
Yurong. Be honoured, woman!

24)What are you NOT looking forward to?
Ehh nothing actually.

25)Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?
Yesh.

26)Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?
Like that lorr. She wouldn't be an ex without a reason, and whoever she wants to snog wouldn't be my intervention.

27)Are you a forgiving person?
Generally don't stay angry for long.

28)What’s something you really want right now?
Socks! Holes in my third pair, in three weeks.

29)Do you fall for people easily?
Not really.

30)Have you ever fallen for your best friend ex’s ?
Noo.

31)What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
Toothpaste.

32)Have you ever kissed anyone named Michelle?
Noo haha.

33)Who was the last person you drove with?
Not a driver yet.

34)How late did you stay up last night and why?
1.15am.

35)If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Not really. I'm adaptable, but given a choice I always want to stay.

36)Do you prefer to call or text?
Text.

37)When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
Sighh, can't remember!

38)Who took your profile picture?
My current MSN profile pic was by my sister, because I tried putting a million hair clips in my hair and it looked stupid! Facebook pic is with Cookie Monster from Pulau Ubin, Ben took it for me.

39)Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Kids from hiking at Bukit Timah Nature Reserve.

40)Can you live a day without TV?
Yes, I rarely watch TV.

Went hiking up Bukit Timah hill today! I don't know why I enthusiastically agreed to go initially, because it was a huge struggle to drag myself out of bed this morning! But it was fun though. It was some Sunday School pre-teens outing with the adults, and I'm very impressed with the kids' energy hahaha! Terrain was simpler than what I've done before, but I'm out of sorts and out of breath most of the time. Lunch together, before going back to corps for guitar with Sam and Celine.

And evening just now was movie date with Priscilla! Watched Australia with her at Vivo. It's quite a nice show with nice cinematography. Except that it's three hours long and I'm sleepy, so I constantly felt like falling asleep.

I cancelled all my outings and appointments for tomorrow. Too tired. Sorry!

My only decent photos!

Dec 27th combined youth event turned out to be quite good! Except that sleeping at 5am made it very exhaustive and struggling to stay alert and awake. It was refreshing for me in a sense, and kinda encouraging too to see people responding and making commitments. Lunch worship, for a half hour practice, wasn't too shabby. Evening was tired and tired and tired and no voice to sing, but it was really good worship because I felt it strong and it impacted me in a huge manner. And I'm thankful and glad for all that happened today.

Gosh it's a struggle to stay awake. Goodnight world.

It's past 4am and I think I'm very dead! It's combined youth event in another few more hours, and it's definitely going to be a long day, so I'm just being stupid by refusing to sleep. Christmas is over! So does all my emo feelings and my unreasonable selfish thoughts and my antagonism at trying to find fault with every small thing. And I realised I made a hasty mistake by assuming that everyone is "too young to grasp or too old to bother or too happy in their own bubbles or too ignorant to really care". I do appreciate my friendships with some people okay, even though I constantly want out of this world haha. =)

Next Christmas there will be a party and carrolling and activities, I shall make sure of it and Debra can sing for all she's worth and Dezmand can picnic everywhere. No more going home and no more what shall we do next!

Went down to Bras Basah today to get pickguard for my guitar. It's got scratches already so sad! Then back to corps to guitar jam with Meng Ren hahaha we complement each other because he likes complicated playing and I am conveniently lazy. And dinner with Auntie Julia and her friend Sui. He was guest speaker for the night, and I'm impressed and surprised! Engaging, nice and knowledgeable.

Should really go and get some sleep.


You left me alone to clean up your mess!! But I treasure you enough to do these kind of things for you la.

Perhaps it's yet another timely reminder that my own misery is insignificant compared to whatever that is going on in the bigger scheme. It's not about offering your best, it's about receiving God's best. Hmmm I don't quite understand it, like the first time I heard it it doesn't sound very congruent. But I'll try to. And maybe that's where I'm wrong too. I keep trying and trying and trying about a lot of things, but maybe I should really stop trying, and search for peace instead. I don't want to miss what all of Christmas is really about and stop believing in it, but it's really difficult to concentrate. I just stood there and let those tears flow when we were singing "We were the reason".

And nobody understands how I feel. They are either too young to grasp or too old to bother or too happy in their own bubbles or too ignorant to really care. Not that it really matters, but I miss her. Both of her.

But for everyone's happiness, it's Christmas!!!! Thanks for all the cards and gifts and food and fun.

Obviously I have very different ideas about how all of these would end up. I've been encouraging and listening and trying to make things work, but I don't really take it seriously because it's not my shoes. But now I regret being frivolous because it only starts to matter to me when it really matters. I've always maintained that you are the only person with the power to screw up your own life, and everyone can make decisions for you but you'll still be the one facing the consequences. And this is coming back to bite me in my back. It still ain't my shoes, and I've had enough to understand the thought processes. I really want to be happy but I'm being mightily stupid and I sound facetious and I feel like a sanctimonious creep.

Every Christmas I'm always reminded of how I don't have a best friend whom I can share all sorts of silly problems with. I'm in denial of a lot of things, I don't want to commit, I don't want to because I'm afraid. Every year it's a huge struggle to focus on what it is really all about. Somehow it's much easier this time, and I believe it's no coincidence. But there are always certain things about Christmas that will stir up the dregs. It's inevitable and unavoidable. Which is why I feel like some misfit, even if I have the nicest people in my nice life now. Like two jigsaw pieces that seemingly fit, but they're each from a different puzzle.

The whole world moves on with their life and I'm always stuck in my predicament. Hahaha yeah I'm not one to take initiatives to make sure I feel popular, or to snag that pretty girl, or to make sure things go my way. It's okay laa I'll cope fine.

I should be feeling like I'm really old and wondering what happened to all my teenage years, but I feel surprisingly youthful and sprightly! Went out with Celine Samantha Marcus and Jerrold today at AMK Hub. Watched two movies with them! Twilight and Yes Man. I honestly don't see what's cause for watching Twilight again any time more than once! Never read the book before, but I'm sure it's more than just a sappy love story. The second movie was more of an impulse haha. I'm spending money way too frivolously, but for the fun and happiness I got today, it's worth it la. Jerrold keeps eating, and he keeps expecting me to pay for his food! And Sam just loves ignoring me hahahahaha!

I finished writing all my Christmas cards! And successfully mailed out all those I wanted to mail out. I've got cards for most of everyone but I only have presents for people less than what I can count with one hand, so don't give me anything!

I feel stifled, like I want to do so much more and learn so many things and my capacity isn't maxed out yet, but I constantly feel trapped and beleaguered and tired. But I don't want to leave because I believe in the things that will happen, not from what I do but from what God is doing.

Within the space of the last forty-eight hours, I discovered that while I may think I know a lot, I'm actually clueless and helpless about a lot of things. I realised that I'm actually very easy with my standards and I don't really think much about how other people might feel and I can be self-centered at times and I tend to assume people are being stupid, more than I assume that I'm being stupid. And it was a big fall into reality, especially when someone with the been-there-done-that experience pointed it out for me. I thought I was being thoughtful, but I never realised the implications!

Somewhat in the same vein, I also received a huge shock that had me vacillating between anger and helplessness and disappointment and acceptance! I thought that I wouldn't have to deal with such a situation again anytime soon, especially when the first was very recent. But it still did, and all my previous notions of familiarity went downhill! It's discouraging, and maybe it's because I didn't have a very good week, but I felt like I'm left out of a lot of things.

If I felt horrible yesterday, then today uplifted my moodiness. Yet another frantic rush from camp to be in time for worship leading. Played guitar and led, it was better during practice hahaha but it opened my eyes quite a fair bit. It reminded me strongly of what Christmas is all about. That there's really no substitute in other things, except to keep focusing on the "hope of glory". Perhaps even more fitting, it was the first time in YEARS since I last saw the gigantic cross in the auditorium. Commissioner Lim talked briefly on the Word becoming flesh today, and it keeps replaying in my mind. Everything I've read or thought about in the past few months keeps coming back to me in different ways!

And lunch and guitar with Celine and Samantha. What else can I say? They really brighten up my life. Sure it's more frustration, impatience, and annoyance (all of us) than anything else, but they've been a constant huge encouragement for me all year. Thanks!

Really, really tired of things. I've sort of came to the conclusion that I don't really want to care so much anymore. In the end it just comes back to make me unhappy. The efforts don't justify the returns. But strangely, I'm so desensitised that I'm trying to convince myself to just do my part and not be so caught up with the feelings and attachments. Does this make sense? It sounds very contradictory to me.

My week ahead has something on schedule every day. Nice mix of work and play. =)

Blocked nose, occasionally runny, my breathing is more like wheezing, and I keep sneezing a lot! Feeling really terrible now hahaha. Just back home from camp the whole of this week. Actually I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. No need to go back camp till New Year's Eve, but because I signed extra I have duty tomorrow and on Monday too! Hahaha stupid laa I really am the poster delinquent soldier.

And missing out on youth camp because I've got no more leave! So sad I just went down to church to collect guitar and I saw all the smiley faces while I'm semi-lucid from my horrible flu. I spent my week in camp washing and greasing vehicles and accounting stores and getting all sunburnt and tired from it.

Okiee I should go take medicine and sleep. If it goes well I should see some more happy faces tonight in church.

One of the things that annoy me is seeing churches putting up huge banners outside their building premise proclaiming to all to "Come to me, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28)". It is a peeve because I don't really enjoy a lot of rest times in my spiritual walk, and I'm either envious of the fact that some people get to rest more than I do, or I think it's not very reflective of how Jesus wants it to be. True, it's back to the old argument about how do you reach out to the community, through promises of hope and faith or through damnation. Somehow I don't think putting "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3)" would have the same ring for reaching out.

I know I've said this over and over, that I always seem to be spending too much time doing things in church. To some sense it's true, that sometimes there's very little opportunities for my own receiving. But I'm thankful for all those quiet moments when everything is allowed to settle and I can seek God for a breather before starting another busy month. Yesterday's worship ministry meeting reminded me of the importance of knowing what you're serving for in church, and to focus on yourself first before you take charge of others. I always think that the Christian life is filled with so many things to learn and to do, that resting should be one of the lesser priorities. Sure, I've learnt tonnes and grew tremendously since last year, and I'm catching up on all my lost wandering years, but I need to remember to rest!

I always always always forget that people grow as time goes!! Especially all those friends whom I'm a few years older and I know them well enough generally but I'm just not very close with them. My strongest impressions of them were formed when they were at a certain age like say, 13 years old, and five years later I still keep thinking that they are still stuck in that era! It's a terribly tragic thing. During those occasionally inevitable catching-ups of all those lost years, I tend to say the stupidest things by assuming that they're still kids, or I think that they're incapable of formulating their own thoughts, or I totally lose track of their years and ask if they're still in secondary school when they're almost done with tertiary education.

And that's why I came to the conclusion that I should stop thinking thoughts like I watched who-and-who grow up over the years, or I knew who-and-who when he/she was just a little kid! I forget the fact that as they're adding numbers to their ages, I'm growing up together with them too! If I'm good friends with them throughout all those elapsed years, it's not that bad as I'd have been able to keep track of the growing maturity in their thought processes, or what they're up to now, blah blah. But most of the time I'm not, and I make a fool of myself trying to displace the person they were five years ago and desperately trying to keep up with the current newcomer.

Or maybe, I should just stop thinking that I'm some ratty old wise bat!!

Never knew there's such a place called Balmoral Plaza in Singapore! And the weird thing is, I've been on countless buses that passed by there before, but I never knew the name of that place. It sounds like a sleazy amoral place hahaha and this just goes on to prove how you can live in your neighbourhood all your life but you might not even know the adjacent road name. Although Balmoral Plaza is not in my neighbourhood. Anyway!! Was there this morning with Cheryl and Alicia and Yurong for breakfast worship ministry meeting.

In the evening was The Nutcracker at Esplanade! It was Khairul's suggestion, and we both have very vague ideas about what it's all about, so I don't even know what we were doing watching it in the first place! All I knew prior to it was that it's some Alice in Wonderland ballet. Now I understand it a little bit more. There's a few scenes which are very beautiful and evocative, the music which I found most familiar was the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" after I checked it out when I came home, and I realised now that ballet performances are not for my appreciation. Would much prefer drama or choir!

I've got so many concerns and I want to see so many things being done and I really really believe in the feasibility of everything if determination and effort is put in. It's just something off my mind, especially for this weekend. Pastor Paul's last session with us, leaders' meeting today, played guitar for worship (something I don't normally do). And supper with Dezmand, Matthew and Ming Ren! I'm dead sleepy now but I don't feel like sleeping.

I'm starting on my Christmas cards and shopping already! If not I'll just be in a mad rush like last year and end up not getting anyone anything and everybody turns up with nice presents on Christmas and I keep receiving but never giving.

Abit emo. Keep getting reminded of things that should have been long forgotten years ago.

I always walk right into my weekends thinking of what's in stall for me this week that I haven't already encountered before. Each time I think it couldn't get any better or any worse than the last, and God mocks my naivety by throwing a totally new situation for me to learn from it. I like to think that whatever I do in church is very simple, like for instance, worship leading is just choosing songs, telling musicians what to do, then singing the songs. But it's very difficult to ignore all the priestly implications of being a worship leader. The job scope is always going to be scraping the surface, but the heart has to be pointing in the right direction.

That's why the more I go on, the more I learn to rely on God for strength and for patience. I can keep thinking that all I really need to do is to listen to what they have to say, but I don't realise that they're right on my tail hanging to my every word and deed. Trusting someone doesn't come overnight, but even layers of foundations can crumble, and I'm well aware of the fragility of this entire thing. Especially when it's the teenager years. It's easy for me to gloss over that because I've been through the pains and identity struggles, but they haven't even really started! And so many times, I sit there listening and thinking that they'll grow out of it, and the things that they think or say or do now will probably change drastically by end of next year. But they don't think the way like I do. I've got a nice idea of how it will all end up, but they're concerned about how to get there. It's as for-the-moment as it can get, and it matters because it matters now, and how else to get anywhere without dealing with this now.

I do get nice compliments from people, like Guan You you're really musically talented, or you've got a way with language and words, or you've got something that we all don't. What I truly think of myself is I've never sung professionally, my guitar playing is as simple as it gets, I've never got anything published, and I'm not doing anything special that others haven't already done. I've done my spiritual giftings test, and I serve in whatever ways to my capacity. I'm still learning, I'm very far from who I want to be, and too many times I'm simply following where the wind rocks my boat! God just puts all the mushrooms along the road and I pick them up accordingly and get all the speed boosts.

I like to believe that a long journey begins with that first step of faith. I can divide it on end and split it further and substitute it into something simpler, it still doesn't change where the heart is supposed to be at. I think of simply being their friend, and the expectations keep adding on everywhere. I think of simply being there to guide, and the direction signs are all pointing the wrong way. I no longer think of what I could have been if I were somewhere else. I think of who I am now because of what has happened.

I've never been this worried tonight for anyone for a long time. And I don't even know her as well as I ought to. The older you get, the more crap you have to stand for other people. I don't like all the undeserved responsibilities, but I try and live with it. Sigh. Okay this has been absolutely off the cuff! I'm rambling on and on without getting to the point. At least this weekend is more relaxed and more promising than the past few weeks.

This came in the mail the other day. And it made me think of all the times when I've complained over the littlest of little things, when I probably deserved much lesser and all I ever needed could be as simple as such. Thanks Priya!

Been reading D. H. Lawrence's short stories, and miserably tried to start on John Milton's Paradise Lost. Lawrence's stories impressed me quite a bit! There's a huge sense of verisimilitude and all the characters seem to jump out full-fleshed at you. Everything's stark and naked and bare and trite. Milton made an impression too, for about 400 lines of verse hahaha. Superb diction and it's totally my kind of Christian ideologies, but it winded everywhere and became too confusing to follow.

I really think I don't know what I want when it comes to people! I want to meet tonnes of people and have many many friends, but I think that's being too gregarious for my own good! I don't have the patience to go sustain personal relationships with everybody. Sometimes I want to be comfortable in my own personal bubble, and sometimes I am only comfortable when I'm with loads of people! Everyone is a good friend, but very few close friends.

I need to start thinking what I want to do next year. This year was very queer! I was contented with being Mary-Mary-quite-contrary, but things found me and it was a huge flummox! Still, I'm glad it's a fulfulling year (:

Friday worship leading was a huge fluster. Was delayed in camp and consequently arrived late, and rooms were not opened and keys were not readily available and we couldn't find some equipment. And the songs were entirely changed by me just the night before! But thank God everything got settled eventually, practice was like 20 minutes only and it didn't go too bad! And I had to leave for camp the very next hour because of the Saturday confinement. Okayy I've learnt my lesson I'll go for every single 5BX every morning, even during reservist! Sunday morning got out from camp, and it was another mad rush down to church for worship practice! Once again it's an enormous confirmation to me when everything fell nicely into place and how God's really working his message in mysterious ways. After service was meeting over lunch for games day at Bishan Park, then went back to church for guitar lessons! Ming Ren has got totally different approaches towards beginner guitaring, and he snatched away Marcus and taught him different things! Don't worry Sam and Celine will be quicker and better learners under my tutorage! Hahaha. Then Rachel and Ming Ren and I went to Bishan Park with the intention of checking out what we can plan for games, but we gave up shortly and went to eat dessert across the road instead! And it was a long long long walk back to church hahaha we wanted to take taxi but the distance is so short that the meter probably wouldn't even jump.

It's been a terribly busy weekend and it caused me to be worried over so many things. I'm so glad it's over! Rushing to camp and rushing to church or to go home, and the taxi and bus fares I've racked up aren't cheap okay! My expenses for November has been sky-high (largely because of new guitar haha), and that's not a good thing because I realised I'm being very lax with money! Like, haiya just spend la, or don't need to pay back la, or I treat you la, because I've already spent so much money this month! And I've shuttled between home and church and home and church so many times this weekend that I'm abit sick of it okay! Yeah it's convenient because it's one block away, and I can easily go home to get my guitar, or put it back, or keep the laundry, or change, or whatever. But it's been dizzying.

In any sense, I'm thankful that I still enjoyed peace and quietness even though I've been rushing so much. Thanks to all those encouragements from sympathetic friends while I was confined too!

I'm getting confined in camp this Saturday, together with a few others from my platoon. Hahaha we overslept and didn't go for morning exercise. I think it's quite hilarious because of the reason, and after this confinement, I've basically served all kinds of punishments the Army can dish out! Sign extra, SOL charge, confinement, early book-ins. The only thing left is detention. I'm some poster boy for soldier delinquency. But the most fortunate thing was, it was supposed to be Saturday and Sunday confinement. And that would be trouble because I'm leading worship on Sunday! So much for wanting to go SITEX or wherever hahaha.

Okay laa it was a really bad day today. I changed all my songs for Friday worship in a fit of anger. I don't like last minute things! I think there's a huge problem with priority and responsibility and making certain arrangements when you can't be there. Raahh. But I'm guilty too, because I changed all the songs last minute!

Khairul I hope you're reading this: YOU'RE STILL CHARMING BOY IN MY EYES EVEN IF ALL THE EFFORTS DIDN'T PAY OFF!

This is 700th post!

I just found more things that I can be doing this weekend! SITEX is on at Expo! And Integrity Music is having warehouse sale at Kallang! Haha the Integrity one is courtesy of Celine's mum who gave me the information last week. But I think it's going to be mightily crazy again I want to have enough sleep and rest!

There's a half day off today, and I travelled from my camp to Changi Airport to see my parents off. They're going Malaysia for some relatives' wedding or something. Going airport is always the end of the world for me hahaha the journey is so long!

I feel like I have a heavier responsibility with my own life now. Like what I want to do with the years that are ahead of me, how I should be living it, how I have to try and be more like Jesus, blah blah. Hehh it happens every year, and thinking back now, I'm kinda glad to say that the whole of this year has been pretty fulfilling and memorably well-spent. Okay this is the kind of thing I should be blogging about on the last day of this year, so I shall save it.

Your birthday is your one day in the year where people try and make you happy, and you're generally allowed to do whatever you want with your life. But it's also just another day in your life. I kinda regret not spending it with my mother instead. I'm disappointed that NOBODY remembered Buttercup cake too, after I told the whole world I want it!! Never mind I'll get my own next year (: (: (:

I've got a new guitar!! Went guitar shopping with Yicheng and Luke yesterday, and after shuttling between Bras Basah and Peninsula Plaza and Peace Centre and back to Peninsula, I finally found one which sounded really good to me. Acoustic with plug-in, Singaporean brand called Maestro! Short of breaking my bank account, I think the catching up with Yich and Luke was more valuable because I've barely met them for the last two years.

And today was another Sunday spent totally in church. Worship practice in the morning, then after service there was a worship leaders meeting over lunch, then went back to church to practice for end-of-year combined, and after that ended I was waiting for Samantha and Celine and Marcus to arrive cos I'm teaching them guitar! Wow it was a huge torture hahaha they are all so easily distracted! And I have a bad sore throat now from singing and talking a lot all day.

It's been a really busy weekend. So many meetings and practices, and I barely have time to do the stuff I wanna do. Next week's crazier! Friday Sunday leading worship!

Before the clock strikes midnight and hence it's still my birthday!! It didn't go very well because there was a last-minute guard duty addition, and my name was in it for Thursday! So my first eight hours of birthday was stuck at my camp's main gate, then I rested to compensate for my lack of sleep, and by the time I got out of camp, half the day was gone!

But there was a celebration. During cell group, Shermin popped out in the darkness with a cake full of M&M's. I've got really nice presents/cards from Celine and Samantha. Hahaha by the way I'm as old as Samantha's guitar! And Khairul wrote me the best card. He's overseas now but he prepared in advance my card and presents not meant for me, which I had to navigate through his maze of blocks and I still have to navigate through another foreseeable maze!

And thanks to all the wishes and handshakes and SMSes and Facebook posts and smiles. If I inadvertently said "Happy Birthday" back to you, that's because I keep thinking this is like Christmas and someone goes "Merry Christmas" and you reply back the same thing, and it's the like.

Some pictures stolen from Shermin's blog.

Oh my gosh I can sort of understand the uproar caused when Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita was published! But I like the prose and the narrative style. Distinct, fresh, sarcastic, lucid, frank, and funny. The occasional French is lost on me, but the debaucheries are stark and audacious! Horrible!

November's been really crazy so far, and it didn't help when October flew by so quickly! I always find that the months in the end of the year pass by much quicker than at the start. But November is a busy busy month!

Friday and Sunday duty right after returning from Hong Kong! I'm still stuck in holiday mood hahaha so I don't really care that my weekend's kinda spent. Went for high tea buffet with Mark and Alicia and Adriel and Yurong and Joel today. Then Alicia gave me a ride to Pasir Ris cos she was heading there for work, and I had to collect something. Then it was a long bus ride back to Bishan for singing practice.

And I finally received a letter from Priya, my adopted Bangladeshi kid!

Okay. Time to go. I'm all psyched up.

Back from Hong Kong! Zonal conference about Salvation Army officership. Somehow I didn't really know what to expect because everything's so vague initially! But it was a really good time of sharing, learning, and re-dedication. The shortcomings weren't isolated, and it was very "reassuring" to know about similar concerns. Spent most of the time with Yvonne, Kar Leong, Jimi and Rose, and Michelle from Malaysia territory. Met other delegates and candidates from Korea, Indonesia, Japan, Hong Kong, the Philippines, and the officers who were facilitating. It's times like these that I wished I had a better command of languages! I can't say for Korean or Tagalog, but I studied Japanese for two years and my dialect's Cantonese and Atiqah did teach me quite a fair bit of Malay! I'm stuttering isolated phrases that make no sense and the best thing is I understand some Cantonese but I can't speak it.

Ate a lot too! Gosh I was never hungry over there. Hotel buffet is overwhelming and we go out for supper almost every night and we still gouge on nice food. Got to visit the city too, went up the Peak, beautiful skyline by the Stars Avenue.

More pictures HERE.

Coldplay's song Fix You is a nice song. Happened to chance upon their live concert video (Glastonbury 2005) on Zheng Cong's media player, and it's got me, well, literally, fixed! I finally understand Mark's concept of "hair-raising" music! I've always had a stronger inclination towards the acoustic guitar when it comes to new songs, and I would listen out for its parts and try to figure out the chords and the strumming pattern and blah blah. But of late, it's slowly growing to involve the electric guitars too. I still prefer the bright, lively and somewhat acerbic tones of acoustic strings, but I realised that I'm beginning to like the twanging sounds of the electric effects too. And the way Coldplay did it, it imploded quietly within and enveloped me right in. I like the repeated guitar riff and how they build it from there into a smorgasbord of melodies that sounds simply awesome! I can't place the feelings right, the evocations are quite ineffable and indescribable. Forgive the language, but another female friend put it across quite aptly: good music is orgasmic.

Also included in the viewings on the same media player, are several movies! I've watched She's The Man, Hitch, Beauty and the Beast, and Mulan. Yeah I know Beauty and the Beast doesn't quite sit in the list as something for a guy, but it's nice okaay!! Timeless and classic.

Alrighty. Late night supper/dessert with Dezmand just now, then hung around at corps talking to security guard. I still have to answer some emails, and I haven't packed finish all my stuff yet!! Will be away in Hong Kong from tomorrow till next Thursday.

Butterflies has always been my favourite motif of ephemeral beauty and fragility. Most of them don't even put in a gramme on the weighing scale, and their wings are thinner than paper. Sensitive to light and temperatures too, so you can build a butterfly garden full of butterfly-attracting plants, but you might not always see them. I always think that they are the pushovers of the insect kingdom! Like, what's the use of being pretty and bright when you're so delicate?

But I still like them. It's quite a sight to see a butterfly fluttering in midair, because they always look like they are in perpetual suspension at any moment. Unlike birds, butterflies are so much more erratic and graceful when it comes to flight.

This is a meaningless trivia, but the word "butterfly" came from the term "fluttering by".

My Sunday today capped a nice end to a horrible October and busy days and all my sadness. Led worship, and I'm so glad Ben could make it today, because the alternative will be me playing and singing again! And leaders' meeting after service was quick and prim. But I said something wrong that was contrary to what I've been believing all along! I said we as humans are above the nature that God created because He meant for us to have ruling over the animals and dominion with the mountains and seas and trees and skies. Okay the ruling and dominion bits are kinda sound, but I don't think we're above nature! I think nature is larger than us. It is God's way of telling us why we do not just exist, but we are living for a purpose, because there is something out there bigger than our self-important lives. And this devotion came in my email this afternoon: It's about Jesus. The focus isn't on us and on our achievements, and God's salvation gift isn't something that we deserve. While it's still true that God wants a personal relationship with each of us, it's not about us at all. We need to seek His kingdom and His righteousness, and I think that's where true worship stems. That's why I am amazed at how God has names for every star in the sky, He created ecosystems that self-sustains, each species of flora and fauna with distinct descriptions and characteristics and everything. When I think nature, I think we should bow down to honour God in reverence, and it shouldn't be me rising above all of these magnificent creation. Not about me not about me not about me!

All my years in church and since I was at a very young age, I always thought that being a worship leader is one of the easiest appointments that you can pick up. Even when I started leading worship myself, I seriously thought what's so difficult about this, just sing laa. Okay granted that I didn't get a lot of help in that aspect, and my biggest worries at that time were stage frights and whether I could sustain half the tune that I needed to sing. And I think that's why a lot of times I forget that being a worship leader is very much a priestly and pastoral position. Sure, the job scope is as literal as it can get. Choose songs, lead the band, then lead the congregation. But it goes much more than that. It's not just the songs I choose or the music I want. There's a gigantic responsibility on guiding people to worship God for who He is, to focus on Him through the music, to offer everything to Him in sacrifice.

I find the last requirement the hardest. I mean, I can go on and on about how leading worship has helped me to depend on God more and it makes seeking and praising Him a lot easier. But I don't know how far I fail when it comes to the actual sacrifice. If I want to make every worship session a pleasing offering to God, I think the first step is to offer myself first because I'm supposed to be the leader, right? And I find it hard, because I know best the state of depravity I'm in and it's nowhere required of the obedience that God wants from me. I don't think it's just a matter of being on stage and singing the songs for half an hour, then step off and look forward to the next time I'm scheduled. There was a point of time when I realised that it has nothing to do with the songs and practices that defines me as a worship leader, it's the the way I lead my life and doing the stuff that God expects me to do. It's all the in-betweens that determines the sacrifice, and it's not even remotely related to choosing songs to sing.

At which point did I discover that I was relying too much on my own capabilities and taking God for granted because I'm too engrossed in myself? Since the start of this year I've been going "it's like that laaa" more times than I can remember. I can spend a million hours learning a song on my guitar, I can tear my hair out over songs arrangement alone, I can listen to a song on repeat for days, but I like to think that no matter how much I try and perfect it, everything's still out of my hands. There's always something bigger than what I'm going through, and God is still God, He won't change and won't stop loving me even if I reject His ways. And sometimes I seriously wonder whether I should continue being so meticulous and fastidious and perfectionistic, because I still stumble once in a while and things don't look/sound the way I want it. All of these, and I haven't even thought about dealing with people and emotions and dynamics and comments and critcisms.

We worship God because He wants us to, and because we need to. It directs us to focus on His sovereignty and excellency and majesty. And being in worship ministry means to be an aid for people to seek God in this manner through music. It's not about skills or capabilities, it's being assured and confident of God working through us through our giftings, and being joyful in praising Him, and seeking Him first before everything else with a heart of worship. Not about suiting our agenda, not about singing the songs we want to sing, not about singing the songs the congregation wants to sing.


I'm being really stupid.

I don't know what I want and I'm discouraged by a lot of things and I'm tired of staying the same old instead of moving forward to somewhere. Okay so last night was bad because I sang and played horribly for worship despite spending five million times trying to play Stronger in the actual 3/4 beat, but I forgot and did it in my own rhythm instead. Oh my gosh why did I bother to practice in the first place. And I feel so bedraggled, like I just walked out from the sea pulling a bunch of seaweed and all the flotsam and jetsam stuck in it. Aarghh how am I going to survive through like that!!

I have a bad sore throat and I still have worship practice later and worship leading tomorrow. Okay I sort of killed myself by going for prata at Jalan Kayu with the guys after church last night. Fattening and throat-destroyer and it made me feel as if I have to book in to camp!

I know I'm being childish and stupid, but I just don't feel like it. I have to deal with my own insecurities first. And, I remember how all my JC friends keep asking me whether I'm still in frivolous flirtings and tumultuous relationships, that I realised that how much I've grown from all those mistakes. So when I hear of people telling me problems with their girlfriends or boyfriends, I'm like yar yar yar I went through that crap before. No such trouble at all this entire year!! This is an achievement.

Busy weekend ahead of me. Leading worship tonight and on Sunday. That's like a huge step of faith for me.

I'm very sleepy. My eyes are struggling to stay open. My list of songs to learn/learnt within ten days have risen to 22! I am listening to Hillsong's Stronger on repeat. I think this is some sort of payback, because I've always adamantly professed that I don't like the song due to bad lyrics syntax and I think it's silly, but Huimin likes it, and I find myself having to sing it!

Received the itinery for the Hong Kong trip. Packed full with sessions everyday, but I have no idea what they are about aside from the themes of each day. Okayy I'm still looking forward to it. It says "One delegate from each territory to bring national costume which will be worn during the prayer concert" in one of the documents, and I'm thinking really hard if Singapore has a national costume!

Slightly jittery and nervous. Haha it doesn't really go away with experience, does it?

And, I shall do something about it. My conscience is nagging at me and my own words are biting me. It can't be a situation where I impose my authority in someone else's life but neglect my own in the same circumstance. But I'm still very angry and insulted!

There's a nest of little fledglings that's growing in the trees just outside my camp bunk. I'm on the fifth floor, and the trees next to the building are tall enough for me to see the birds flying and hopping. I think they are asian glossy starlings, or just plain old mynahs and sparrows, couldn't see clearly. But they're making a racket every day! Irritating and noisy, and I actually suggested that we should have stolen live rounds from combat shoot and use them to shoot at the birds! Horrifying right, coming from a nature lover and a not-very-good birdwatcher like me. Not to mention I'll go detention for that. But I was reminded of a nice advice sent recently: Go find some nature to spend time with. So, for the time being, I'm not criticising the rambunctious lot. They can grow happily.

I shall try to be less moody.

A pure heart, that's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee

A heart that hides Your Word
So that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
But one You rule and reign
A heart that beats compassion
That pleases You, my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to Your throne


While flipping through my chord book, I stopped at this song. This is not a song that comes to mind easily if I want to sing something. It's quite old and I cannot remember the last time I heard this. But it caught my eye because at the title of the song, there are the words 洁心 scribbled in pencil beside it. Then I remembered how Jaslyn and I were sitting in the canteen and for some reason I brought my guitar to school, so we decided to start singing songs from the same chord book, and a million people stared at us with weird looks, and we tried to get more people to join us but they came and left, and at the end of an hour or so we're still the only two left sitting there. Somewhere during the singing and choosing, she noticed this same song titled A PURE HEART, and I remember her excitement because that's a literal translation from her Chinese name. And she insisted on writing her name beside the title, so that's how it ended there.

It's a nice story, and it's amazing I still remember because I normally forget things like these. But what a powerful song this is. Isn't that everything which God expects from us? He wants us to be pure for Him, to be grounded in Word, to worship Him, to offer our lives to Him in surrender, to reach out to the lost, to let Him reign sovereign in our hearts. And I always think this is the most idealistic ideal of ideals, because we can all try but we can never get to that end stage.

I couldn't really concentrate today. Too many things going through my mind. It makes me feel trapped when I think about it. And it's not helping when I feel like I'm totally derailed off from whatever I want to do. Am I suiting my own purpose or am I suiting God's?

SIGHHH.

My mum thinks I want to join Superband or Singapore Idol or some talent show, because whenever I'm at home now I'm virtually inseparable from my guitar! But I really have a lot of songs to learn due to worship leading on various days. I have chords and lyrics for 19 different songs which I'm trying to sing, although to be fair, some were already done last Friday. It's almost 3am in the night and I can't sleep and I'm still listening and counting and recounting and replaying songs over and over again. Why so confusing!

Yeah, I know that it takes a tremendous effort for anyone to take the first step and admitting their mistakes. You have to put away your own pride, you have to curb your anger even if you don't think you're in the wrong, you have to compromise on your own resolutions. I think that's why it's always much easier to ignore the problem rather than to try and muster the courage. It's a huge test of humility and patience. And I think I'm the biggest hypocrite, because I tell others to do all of those things above, but I'm in almost the same situation myself and I haven't practiced what I preached. I know what is expected of my attitudes and actions, but I just don't feel like doing it.

More than anything, I hate the way I'm still so affected when I should be a lot more wiser and discard those cynical criticisms.

=(

I cannot lead worship and play guitar at the same time. Even though I kinda like the idea of it. I worry about my playing and I cannot focus on praising as much as I could have. Ironically, I realised that I depend on God a lot more during all those times when I dismissed the whole band and just led worship by myself with one guitar.

I'm an ostrich. Whenever I'm threatened, I like to stick my head in the sand and pretend that I can't see or hear or observe anything. Okay maybe they don't really do that, but they do hide by lying flat on the ground! And if push comes to shove, I run away. I guess I've been escaping from all sorts of things my entire life. Refusing to face up to the reality of things.

I think that I think too much. I'm concerned with things of very little concern. But that's because I think too much.

A bit sad. Troubled and emo and trying to flip Bible to find references on renewal of mind/soul/life/anything else.

Sigh. I'm a horrible mess myself. My list of problems gets longer and longer everyday, and things just spiral downhill without my control. Oh what the hell. In that case, I wish I hit the bottom of the hill faster, so that the only way for me to go is upwards in better sunlight.

You can kill two birds with one stone. But you can also watch them and be much happier.

I think that it's one thing to witness how others have grown in Christ, but it's another thing altogether to see your own growth. With other people it's a lot easier, you can at least chart their maturity level as they grow older, in the way they handle situations and what they do in their lives and the way they think. When it comes to myself however, I always think that I'm very far away from what I want to be. I'm not saying that I don't know how much my own life has transformed since I began to put God as a priority in my life, but I just feel that I can be so much more than what I am right now.

The best thing is that spiritual growth is a continuity, that it's never too late to start, and there won't be a true moment when you can say that you've reached the limits of growth. And I thank God for never giving up on me, for providing His grace and strength each time to renew my desires, my hopes. I want to be an "imitator of God", to be consumed by His righteousness that gives perfect reason and freedom to be holy.

Now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. -1 John 3:2

I recently ran into this huge bout of discouragement, and it got so intense that I started seriously thinking about giving up and throwing it all away. I know this might sound a little bit trite and conceited, considering that everyone tells me to "just trust God and believe", but it's really easier said than done. I mean, nobody said all of these are going to be smooth sailing, and I put my name on with full knowledge of the commitments required. But I guess that's the way it is, that things don't always turn out the way you want them to be. And I think the big challenge comes when there are certain expectations that you need to fulfill, but you're angry or upset, and you don't always feel like doing all of that. What if I need to lead worship but something terrible happened in my life and I don't feel like singing to/for God at all? But I kinda realised a long time ago that even when I'm in a lousy mood, God is still God, and He won't change for me just because I'm stuck in my predicament. He's still the King, He's still the one that we should fix our eyes upon, and it's quite useless to blame Him for whatever that's happened because it's not going to change anything in our lives.

One thing that I always wonder is why I still keep believing and singing and doing all the stuff after so many years. Everybody asks me that, especially people who don't understand how I sometimes spend my entire weekends doing church stuff when I am in army and weekends are probably the only free time I have. I always shun that question because I don't know really know how to explain it. Sometimes it's in the things that I do that takes fruition, like seeing people grow, or seeing this ministry expand. But I think that's just the physical aspect of it? I think it's crappy to tell people that I go to church because I want to see my little girls in my cell group grow. It's what He's done in my life so far that keeps me returning, and what He's done for me on the cross that propels the faith. And if I want to explain that, it's like explaining my life story! So after a while I sort of gave up answering those kind of questions.

But to quote it brilliantly and succinctly: "All of my life, in every season you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship". At the end of the day it all goes back to me wanting to learn more about God and to experience Him in my life and to build a strong relationship with Him. I can be doing a million other things than to spend my time in church, but I can also choose to set my life apart for Him to work His ways through me. I think we are all without excuse to find reasons to believe as long as we have accepted His gift for us. It's the entire truth that we believe in the first place.

Sigh. I guess I'll be staying down for these few days and trying not to let unhappiness affect me. I had to force myself to go for youth service, because I really really REALLY didn't feel like going at all. After that was watching Eagle Eye at Cathay with some people, which accounted for reaching home at 3am and my mum asked me groggily just now if it was time to wake up.

Other than that, my life's pretty the same. I'm involved in this change-of-command parade for some Engineer commander, and it's a simple affair and the drills are relatively familiar, but they keep insisting that we need more rehearsals to sharpen us up! Repetitive and boring, but the interesting fact is that Joel is part of the marching contingent too. Hahaha.

I'm trying not to be discouraged completely. I'm trying to find grace to deal with all that negative emotions.

Luigi's Poltergust 4000 is my favourite character and vehicle in Mario Kart.


Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for

I FIND IT VERY UNFAIR WHEN PEOPLE ASSUME THAT EVERYTHING IS THE WAY IT IS NOW BECAUSE OF WHAT I SAY AND WHAT I DO AND THE WAY I ACT. CAN YOU STOP BEING SO MYOPIC?? DO I LOOK LIKE I ENJOY THE SITUATIONS THAT I'M IN NOW?? HOW ABOUT YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STORY FIRST BEFORE YOU START ACCUSING ME OF MOTIVES THAT I NEVER EVEN INTENDED IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME, YOU COME AND TELL ME IN MY FACE. YOU DON'T GO BITCHING WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND TELLING THE WHOLE WORLD THAT I'M UP TO SOMETHING EVIL. SO NOW ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE TELLING ME ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT DO, BUT DO I LOOK AS THOUGH I'M CONVINCED?? NO. BECAUSE NOW I THINK THE WHOLE WORLD IS BEING HYPOCRITICAL. WHO ARE YOU TO COME AND LECTURE ME WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN APPROACH ME IN A PROPER MANNER IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU JUST ACCUSE AND ACCUSE AND ACCUSE AND EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE FULL DETAILS AND YOU STILL WANT TO ACCUSE!! CAN YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH BEFORE YOU START HEAPING YOUR DISPLEASURE ON ME! YOU THINK I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE, YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE SOLUTION TO EVERYBODY'S HAPPINESS, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND THE WAY YOU HANDLE YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIPS, BECAUSE WHAT YOU CAN SAY ABOUT ME, I CAN JUST AS EASILY SAY ABOUT YOU.

I'M ANGRY!!! I'M VERY ANGRY!!!!!!

Waah. Okay yesterday was cycling at Pulau Ubin with Ben, David and Wilson! It was supposed to be recce trip for youth camp, but I don't think it felt like it because I explored parts of Ubin that I've never been before! Never gone as far as I did with the guys yesterday. The best thing was Chek Jawa, which I always wanted to visit but haven't done so. Except that it was afternoon and high tide by the time we reached, so nothing much to be seen.

Today's a study of Psalm 100 and 1 Timothy 4 during teen titans. I think reading God's Word is very important! I mean, it's a confirmation of everything that we're supposed to do, but I realised that part of the excitement comes from finding cross-references and trying to make it fit. Youth camp meeting, then had late lunch with David and Yurong at Thomson Plaza.

Here's Cookie Monster and me! I don't know why in the world there's a Cookie Monster on Ubin!! Was zooming downslope on bicycle when I spotted it, and had to force Ben to cycle back uphill just to take a photo with it hahaha! My fav Sesame Street character!

It's another fulfilling Friday night at church, but it left me zonked and dazed. Encouraged Yurong (worship leader) by being gentle and kind, talked to Tammy even though she was pissed. The topic for cell group was dating and relationships! Okay laaa the girls didn't scoff, which was amazing because I thought my own stuff were prosaic and passe! The material I based it on was good and relevant even though it's a decade old, but it didn't have the scope I wanted so I had to create some on my own. Then after cell group I decided to follow them down to the airport to see Aaron off! He's going Brunei, part of his army officer training. WHY NOBODY WENT AIRPORT TO SEE ME BEFORE I WENT THAILAND. Ate at Macs, then back to Bishan at 2am. Tomorrow is Pulau Ubin! How to wake up on time!!

I've been kept busy quite a bit for these past few days, due to various commitments. My email is bursting with activity and I'm trying to stay on top of everything! Okay to be completely honest, it's good because it takes my mind off things abit. I keep getting distracted by stuff that doesn't involve me even though it really should be the least of my concerns. Sometimes I think I have some insecurity problem about belonging, but then again all of us do get that every now and then.

In the past one month or so, I've started highlighting some verses in my Bible. Usually I don't have a habit of jotting down notes or keeping a spiritual journal or stuff like that. But I found this yellow highlighter in my pencil case which hasn't been used for years, so I resurrected its original purpose and put it inside my Bible. Except that it's prone to failing every now and then because it's really old.

I think it's somewhat unlike from what I used to do in Literature classes? Whenever I read some new poetry or prose or whatever, I tend to jot down some notes in my first reading, then go back and add some more after further analysis and so on. But with the Bible, I realised that I cannot really do that. The relevance and application and intepretation is different each time, even for the same familiar verses that I grew up with. Hence, a long time back, I decided to just keep it free from notes and let it surprise me each time.

From some friend's opinions and from lessons and whatever morsels that I've picked up: reading and learning and applying God's Word is important for growth in your Christian living. It's not a very hidden truth. I'm sure they stress it enough everywhere in church and you probably know that you ought to spend time not just with God, but with your Bible too. I can't speak for others, but I do have the capacity to make sure that I'm right with God and plugged in before I do anything else.

And of course, I'm very much aware that it's not about doing a million things in church and appear to be very busy and read up enough to be considered mature by people and make myself look good!! Ultimately it's the personal relationship with God that is first and foremost. I think it's very easy to get caught up with the doings after a while. And it's not about feeling God for the moment either. Going to church twice a week isn't enough food and fuel for growth!!

I need to keep reminding myself of all the reasons that I believe, and all the things I believe.

Worship - Psalm 100

v1, 2

-shout, make a joyful noise

-be happy!

v3

-acknowledge that He's God

-Creator, Saviour

-followers of Christ, each personal to Him

-Matthew 18:10-14

v4

-THANKSGIVING

-remembering what he's done, tell others, showing it, offering

-PRAISE

v5

-faithful, good to us all the time

who?

-worship God, but don't get caught up with how he can bless us and what he hasn't done for us

what?

-give God glory and offer ourselves as obedient sacrifices, whole life, not just worship sessions

when?

-can be anytime, but set aside time regularly too

where?

-anywhere, but go church too

why?

-God wants to hear us say we love him as offering, we need to say we love him to remind of who he is

I couldn't get to sleep last night, and I only went to bed at 5am this morning! Hahaha then my mum thought I was unhappy, because yesterday night I came home at midnight and the first thing I did was talk on the phone with a friend and she thought I had some problems with my life! No no no I'm very happy hahaha.

Eventful day today! Was with Samantha after her school ended, then I spent some time waiting at AMK Hub before going back to J8 to meet Ming Hui and Hui Min. Planning the programme and devotion sessions with them. Then I went to the library to get some work done because I've got some lessons to share this week. Stayed there till evening, when it was time to meet Dora! Asked her out for dinner because we both don't know what's happening in each other's life for the past 2 years.

It's a day well spent today. =)

Okay so I was lamenting that I spent nine consecutive hours in church last Sunday, and I realised this Sunday is worse, even though I don't have worship practice!! Joined in for Auntie Toh Tzu's teen titans thing, the "sinister" aim was for me to take charge of it and help out musically hahahaha I'm laughing at the word "sinister". Had a long leaders' meeting after that, went home for dinner with my sister while sitting in front of the TV criticising the Superband contestants, then I went back to church at 9pm for another worship meeting with Alicia and Mark. And the end result after I add up all the hours in church? TEN HOURS!! Not consecutively, but it's even more than last week's! My mum's not very happy that I keep running off there even though she's fine with me going church and stuff.

My phone's irritating me I've got many messages and calls from different people in the past 3 hours. And I realised I'm quite handicapped without my iPod! Nothing to fill in those boring segments of my life when I'm doing nothing, and I can't refer to my songs when I need them!!

Looking forward to all the things that are happening from now until the end of the year. First time in five years. Is this the supposed healing with the passage of time? Sigh hahaha I'm so used mulling and drooping and pulling a long face all the way till Christmas ends! Okay okay. Going Hong Kong, youth camp, combined youth event. I hope I stay good-looking through all of these.

Tomorrow's another busy day. Oh well. Be positive!

The world seems to be crumbling down around me! Okay maybe it's not that dramatic, but all of a sudden there's certain changes in some things, and everytime I read the newspapers it speaks of instability and turmoil, and all around me everyone seems to be struggling with some problems or disappointments in their lives.

And and, my iPod Touch got stolen while I was in camp doing guard duty! Hahaha how ironic I'm providing security but no one is there to secure my valuables. I'm not the only one, Danny lost $100! I'm surprisingly calm even though I should be angry and mad and cursing at the thief whom I don't even know where to start my accusations! Oh well what to do, I've made the necessary reports and checked with all my friends already. No music player for the time being.

Listening to the song "Mighty To Save" to lift my spirits. I sang that for worship about 3 months ago? But it suddenly seems very applicable when I think of why we continue believing even when things don't go our way.

Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations

Hari Raya Puasa today, and the customary trip to Khairi's place to celebrate it! Went with Chiew Yee, Kai Jie, Qiling and Khairi's friend Kevin. This is fast becoming some annual tradition: third time now in as many years. How time really flies. Food is awesome as usual, and the number of little kids and babies we play with each year increases as well! Oh oh, and I wore my baju kurung!

Some photos, the rest here.

Read three books in two weeks! While it's slightly satisfying to see my literary mileage increase and wishing that I have a larger bookshelf, this is slowly becoming an expensive hobby. Fortunately, these three books were all borrowed from the library.

The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards: Elegant and eloquent, with each character fully fleshed out in thought and deed to make it very easy to identify with them. Although I thought that the plot was thin at times and seems more like something from primary school creative writing! After a while it became very moralising, but the beautiful language and the recurring motifs had me sucked in.

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold: All the themes of life, love, death, suffering and restoration were so sufficiently construed that it had me hooked on. The surprising choice of perspective adds a lot of depth to the narration, lending maturity to the entire story without distracting you by being judgmental. Beautiful, heart-warming and heart-wrenching all at once, somewhat like the film City of Angels hahaha. The only letdown for me was the horrible ending because it didn't do justice to the entire expenditure of cosmos!

The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold: Intense, dark, raw, gripping, powerful and haunting. It shows how it is possible to quietly go crazy in the midst of all the chaos and disorder. Language is prosaic but effective, and the seamless transitions between memories and present are disturbing enough on their own. There is no conceivable plot, because at times it's as though Sebold just wrote the first occurrence that came to her mind and let it go haywire from there.

Last night was Geylang again, this time with Khairul. Haven't seen him in weeks because we were both overseas at various points. So we went abit crazy by trying to instigate each other to "slap that snobbish girl" and pushing down mannequins. Anyway, I got my baju kurung! Colour is turquiose hahaha it was all I could do to make it a vibrant colour without looking weird. Ate a lot of junk food too. I wanted to be asleep by 10pm, but I reached home at around that time!!

And that resulted in me being a complete fluster this morning. Had to rush out of house for breakfast with my parents, and I forgot to bring my phone and chord sheets for worship prac! Good thing church is so near home. Had quite a smooth prac, with all the new songs and everything. During the actual worship, I was trembling like some bunny onstage! So I gripped the mike tightly with both hands and let them tremble together hahaha. But my voice didn't die although I thought it would. After service was some crowd games and was supposed to be assisting the Blokus games. Had a great time being silly, but I realised Blokus is such a self-regulating game on its own hahaha. Caught up with Luke (Balestier corps) who just enlisted into army too hahaha gosh we talked for half an hour.

I just realised I spent nine hours in church today. Without stepping outside of the building even once. This is definitely not the first time, but I'm still abit astounded. Totally exhausted. Khairul doesn't understand the emotional trauma that comes from leading worship!! Okay yeahh in a sense you can simply take it as singing songs to God, but it's crazier than that!! I can spend up to weeks meditating on what to sing, and it's another several days to choose and prepare the songs. Then I tear it apart and the songs can change drastically and I worry about the lineup. Then I spend millions of hours listening to the songs to get every musical instrument's part and exactly how to sing it and what I want, then I sit with my guitar for an eternity to try everything out. Then there's somemore meditation and tonnes of hours on Youtube to get musical variety for each song. All of these, and I haven't even started my first practice with the musicians yet. Don't even talk about dealing with nervous attacks or high notes or whatever. It's stressful!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay okay some other topic now. Marcus (Dora's brother) surprised me with his knowledge of iPods and everything! He has an iPod Touch too, okay he said it's the family's one, but how do you share an iPod with your family! Anyway his had at least a hundred different applications inside!!! And they were all free from iTunes or something like that, and he started telling me how to get it even though I tried searching for them before but I didn't know where, and how you can do this and do that and try trading in an older iPod for a new one and a million other things! It's way cool! I've never spoken more than two sentences to him before and he's telling me all these wonderful things.

Ending off. This is from Samantha's blog hahaha it's the kind of craziness I go through every Friday.

We talked abit about some stuff, and it usually ended with us laughing our heads off!! HARDEEHARHAR!!!!!!!! And of course, Celine, Vanessa and I were talking about "Girls stuff", which Guan You was NOT supposed to know about, and we had a hard time explaining it to him. And when he FINALLY understood, he said something ( I can't remember what ), and I was like " But it's not your part of growing up! ". And Celine was like " Yar! All you guys do is... is wet your bed or something like that! ". -more laughter- And Vanessa was like " Guan You!! How could you?! ". HAHA!!! I'M LAUGHING AS I TYPE THIS!! BUT IT WAS SOOOOO STUPID!!! You should have seen the look on Guan You's face!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I seriously, seriously believe that my sec-1 cell group is dysfunctional. They are crazy and impatient and emo and grumpy and impertinent and noisy and weird and so easily distracted, but for all of that, I find myself drawing closer to them because they've taught me how not to be crazy and impatient and emo and grumpy and impertinent and noisy and weird and so easily distracted. HAHAHA. Every Friday spent with them drains me out and I looked like I just chaired a conference with 5000 members who each changes topics every three seconds.

But I still love them. For lack of a less cheesy way of saying it. How each girl occupies a place in my thoughts and in my heart. To try and be part of their lives, to guide them in church and in school and in life, to accompany them on their journey with God.

Thank you for all the trust and friendship, even when I'm cranky and old and naggy, and especially at all the times when I pooh-poohed at the important girly things (which I still don't get).

Went to Geylang with Atiqah to join in the hustle and bustle of Hari Raya! I wanna get a baju kurung, but I'm still deciding what colour and what designs and whatever else I want on it. But that's like, entirely beside the point. The more important fact is, I went out with Atiqah!! Everytime I see her, it's like at least half a year since we last met.

And it's when I'm in some pasar malam and there are hundreds of Malays around me and all the oily food and nice nice clothes and everything, that I sometimes wished that I was borned Malay!!

This is a tribute for Mingren, because he's the only one that encourages me to sing in an even higher key than what is already very high! I was fretting between G and G#, and he told me to go A. Hahaha but okay that was resolved in the end by singing in G# and him playing all the weird guitar barre chords that I don't like. Yup worship session was great. It made me happier than I already am.

And cell group time was quite chaotic. Had a birthday cake for Celine (her birthday's on Thursday), and played with candles and lightsticks and sparklers which I had to go all the way to Beach Road earlier in the day just to get it! But the fun was worth the effort. For me it's like this tradition, because it goes nicely with Mid Autumn Festival where you carry around lit lanterns and throw sparklers into the trees and set fire to everything and leave candle wax everywhere. Except yesterday was just sparklers only, and we had to clean up everything because we were playing outside church.

Left me exhausted, even though I didn't do much hahaha.

Some photos below, for the rest of it click here. And it's like the first time ever we have a complete cell group photo!

Mark your confessions:
[ ] I'm afraid of silence.
[ ] I Talk A LOT when I get really nervous.
[x] I am really ticklish!!!!!!!!!!!
[ ] I'm afraid of the dark.
[ ] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[ ] I can't sleep in a room if the door is open
[ ] I can't sleep in a room if the door is closed
[ ] I am afraid of gay or lesbian people.
[x] I believe in true love.
[x] I've run away from home
[ ] I listen to political music
[ ] I collect comic books
[x] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[x] I've stayed out all night.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I watch the news
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I love Disney movies.
[ ] I am a sucker for green eyes.
[x] I am a sucker for brown eyes.
[ ] I am a sucker for blue eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs
[x] I curse.
[ ] I have an "x" in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped and fell in public.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation
[ ] I love Spam....
[ ] I bake well
[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[ ] I want a better job
[x] Talked on a phone for 6+ hours.
[ ] I love Dr. Phil.
[ ] I like multiple people
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self-conscious.
[ ] I love to laugh.
[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[ ] I loved Lord of the Flies.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I have a lot of scars.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I love chocolate.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[ ] I am not comfortable with being me.
[ ] I play computer games when I'm bored.
[x] Gotten lost in the city.
[x] Thought of suicide before
[x] Seen a shooting star
[ ] Had a menage a trois.
[ ] Gone out in public in my pajamas
[ ] Have kissed someone really strange
[x] Hugged a stranger
[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of a diff. sex.
[ ] Been in a fist fight
[ ] Been arrested.
[ ] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of my nose
[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] Made out in an elevator.
[ ] Swore at Liberace.
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[ ] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
[ ] Bitten someone
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Gotten the chicken pox.
[ ] Crashed into a car
[x] Been to Japan.
[x] Ridden in a taxi.
[ ] Shoplifted
[ ] Been fired.
[x] Stole something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[ ]Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker, and/or employee.
[ ] Been to New York
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[ ] Saw someone/something dying.
[ ] Have a list of people you want to kill.
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[ ] Been to Canada.
[x] Been on a plane.
[ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] Thrown up in a bar or club
[x] Eaten sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[x] Taken a picture just for the sole purpose of putting it on myspace/friendster..
[ ] Been ice skating
[x] Cried in public.
[ ] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[x] Been at a party and instead of giving out your phone number you give them your myspace name and say look me up
[x] Thought of someone a lot lately.
[ ] Hate the world
[x] Love someone who doesn't realize it
[x] have your cell phone permanently attached to your hand/hip

Chris Tomlin's new album Hello Love drew a very mixed feeling that I can't quite place it! On the first front, it is reminiscent of all of Tomlin's strengths in song-writing and worship leading. It sounds like exactly like all his previous hit songs, with all the guitar/piano acoustics and high vocals and familiar build-up of the songs. On the other hand, you can't help but feel that it's deviating a bit towards the contemporary kind of worship songs.

Fav song is "Jesus Messiah", which to me is like a carbon copy of "How Great is Our God".

But it still made a good listening, especially when I'm lying on bed thinking about global issues HAHAHAHA. The lyrics felt a lot more personal and focused to me. And perhaps why I like Tomlin so much is because his songs are almost always poetic, and yet they are very declarative in essence. It makes singing and meaning the words a whole lot easier because you don't have to go very far to find ways to express your love to worship God. It's the very truth that you believe in.

Neglected this blog a bit because I couldn't find much incentive to blog. Okay here goes, my weekend so far. Friday was crazy. Went all the way to Jurong Point with Zheng Cong and Jonathan to watch Wall-E after we got out of camp. Hahaha wrong show to watch with guys I should have convinced some hot young chick to go watch that with me! But I had no idea what the show was about prior to watching it. Three weeks in Thailand had me a bit backward on movies now. Anyway, after that ended it was a crazy rush back to Bishan for youth service and cell group. I'm always reminded of how a small stumble can lead to a catastrophic result, so I think I'm a whole lot more careful with what I say and what I do now. In fact, for that matter, what I don't say and don't do is equally influential as well!

Saturday was a lethargic bummer day. Went down to Jericho for Pastor Paul's session. Yurong and I decided to go visit Tammy at her house after that ended, and we stayed there for a bit too long while doing nothing constructive. Next house was Shermin's, but she wasn't home and was there just because I had something to pass to her. Went Bishan library after that because I felt like reading.

Today was equally drowsy! I was supposed to be at church at 8.30am for worship practice, and I did wake up on time okay! Alarm rang and got me up at 7.45am, but I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until Chris called me near 9am. Horrible. The entire day was spent trying to fight the sleep demons. Had lunch, went back to church, then out to J8 again to get some cards and food and stuff.

Planning worship for the next coming Friday, and I'm very very tempted to just sing it in a higher-than-normal key because I feel like my vocal range can sufficiently tackle it. But if I do that then three-quarters of the people won't be able to reach the high notes. But if I tweak it lower I can't project it the way I want to project it. How how!

A long long time back when I was leading cell group with Biru, I remembered there was this small discussion thingy about what you really think of your cell group members. So I just randomly asked Peiying what she thought of me, and she said "NAGGY"!! Hahaha and fast forward three years later, I'm still getting stuff like "YOU'RE VERY NAGGY" from my current cell group!! It's like my old demons resurfacing. Eh this is quite self-defeating, but I'm not naggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I happily left for Thailand while leaving everything back here in shambles! So I'm paying the price now by struggling to put everything back in order. Okaay it's not really that bad, but I still don't like to do tidying up of any mess.

With Shermin at Starbucks on Monday, then with Yurong for donuts on Tuesday, and managed to catch up with Tammy for a while too.

Went back to Seletar Camp today, and it feels foreign! I haven't really been in camp much for almost one entire month. The cookhouse aunties remembered me!

Just back from Thailand! I know how I kept going on about not wanting to go (before I left 3 weeks ago), but now that I'm back and done with it, I have to admit it's quite a good experience!! The training went surprisingly well, and we were exceptional during the eventual exercise. The hot weather was largely the enemy to beat, but that was more than compensated with the food and the people and everything else. Hahaha I had a good time picking up conversational half-baked Thai phrases, including swear words and all the stuff that I shouldn't be saying. Oh oh oh I realised that a lot of Thai girls have natural wavy or curly hair! But they like to straighten it by rebonding. Of course, all of these excludes all the flirting and teasing of all the cute Thai girls I met hahahahaha. Did get to tour some of the attractions, so it wasn't all army training.

Okay I've got four nasty pimples on my forehead, which to me is the clearest indication that I'm not getting enough sleep. SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!

Yurong keeps wanting me to marry Cheryl (they're cousins), so that I can be related to her family in some way! Hahaha she's got this grand plan to link everyone together and create marriages within church so as to form one huge fantastical family!! Then Chinese New Year reunion dinner will just be like some after-service lunch!! Sounds homely, but I find this entire scheme very horrifying!! Although I would admit it's something to think about. Must you find your eventual spouses within your own church? Because it makes the commitments a lot more similar and familiar, rather than the husband serving in one church and the wife in another. And other various reasons which contribute, much like why you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who isn't of the same faith as you because there's already a huge conflict to begin with.

I'm fine with marriage and inter-related families in church, but it's the whole dating thing that I'm more concerned about. Let's face it: at your teenage years your relationships are probably non-committal to marriage, because it's quite a far prospect that's beyond the nearest few years. You can be happy and everything, but what if the relationship ends? What's next? I'm always for the idea that even with the most amicable split, it's difficult to sustain a proper friendship with someone whom you once shared really intimate moments with. There will always be some unavoidable tension existing somewhere.

I think I would be in a very good position to know. =(

Okay change topic, but still on the same subject. What qualities do I want in my ideal girlfriend! Hahaha now's a good time as any! First of all, my ideal girl must have naturally curly hair! HAHAHAHA. But considering how difficult it is to find someone with natural curls, she shall remain as "ideal girl". My standards have degenerated into something like wavy hair, or more like the rule is she cannot rebond her hair and expect me to say that it's nice! Heh. Appearances aside, she has to share the same faith as me, be moderately independent, socially adept, charming, confident, intelligent enough, mature, responsible, thoughtful, sweet and cheerful. She must be able to write and speak well (for love letters), artistic inclinations like dancing or drawing or singing are optional, but at least know some musical instruments. She can have her own ideals and need not share my interests to go birdwatching, but has to be fun crazy wacky silly stupid, absolutely spontaneous and always ready to try new things. Must not be too demanding and clingy and possessive! Ideally low maintenance and can survive without me contacting her for five days, but I realise I cannot do this in a relationship. So the important thing is to trust!! In fact that's the most important, cos I have skewed ratio of a million female friends to one guy friend. And last of all, she has to be sufficiently girly enough to do all her girly things like make-up and manicures and blah blah!

Is this asking for the moon?

Anyway, off to Thailand for 3 weeks! I'm leaving behind a huge mess because I never really organise my schedule of things. But it's too late now hahaha.

Holland Village with Dezmand and Yurong in the afternoon today! We went with no clear agenda hahaha! Ate a bit, sat at Coffee Bean, then a sudden decision to go Settlers' Cafe. Bad service bad service! There was some miscommunication with the bill, but after a big fuss it was sort of settled.

Then I proceeded down to St Margaret's to find Jewell so that I can return her her iPod. Her school layout is abit confusing and I ended up loitering at some gate while waiting for her, and all the girls in polka dotted uniform who passed by stared at me like I was some pervert kidnapper!! When I eventually found Jewell, her friends went hyperactive and started shouting hello from a 100 metres away. HAHAHA. A lot of polka dots everywhere I turn!! And when I left, the same group shouted goodbye from 200 metres away.

Went down to church later in the night to pass Tim something, and they were just about to begin prayer meeting! So I joined in.

Sleepyy.

To ramble and hyperventilate: Jewell's songs in her iPod are mostly quite nice!! For the largely ignorant, the two of us decided to swap iPods for 5 days? She's got a lot of pop and rock and R&B and upbeat dance tunes. Avril Lavigne still ranks as the top guitar driven pop rock musician for me! And then there's the revival of all the Linkin Park songs I used to listen to when I was young and ignorant and innocent. Hahaha!

A little while ago, David asked me among the standard band setup of acoustic guitar, drums, keyboard, electric guitars and bass, which instrument I preferred most. Without hesitation, my answer was acoustic guitar! Hahaha because that's like the only instrument I can play??? Still, it's a personal preferance of mine that I will tend to pay more attention to a song with strong acoustic guitars. Maybe when I've got the time and patience I might try picking up the other instruments, but for now I'm happy with whatever musical talents I have.

Late lunch meet-up with Chiew Yee, Jaslyn and Qiling! Went Alexandra IKEA to eat meatballs and chicken wings. Then we went to opposite Tiong Bahru Plaza, and all of them being girls, they decided to go for a pedicure!! Poor me had to wait by the side. But okay it was great catching up.

Lazy lazy! No motivation to really blog haha.

Let's talk about... Beijing Olympics 2008! For some reason this is the first time I'm actually paying attention to the various Olympics events, and it's occupying quite a fair bit of time in my life! I think it is largely because I have a lot of spare time now, compared to all the previous years. Athens 2004 was my O'Level year, Sydney 2000 was my PSLE year, and all the other years beyond that but within my lifetime, I probably wasn't alert or aware enough of the significance of the sporting event. Hahaha! Quite a lot of off days from army this week and the last, largely because we just finished NDP and there's Thailand trip in another four days? So I'm seriously quite content to just sit in front of the TV and watch whatever events they decide to show! Gymnastics to synchronised diving to swimming. Even weight-lifting! Hahahaha.

Yeah, if you're astute enough you'll know where this is going. Michael Phelps winning his 8th gold medal in a single Games, obliterated a million swimming record times and being the most decorated gold medallist of all-time. I followed the later half of his races, and I'm glad I did cos it's history making in process!! Usain Bolt winning 100m dash in world record time and in an outrageously arrogant swagger! Singapore getting their second Olympic medal after 48 years! If you put all these together and seriously think about it, all these are the kind of stuff I can tell my grandchildren!! I figured it would reflect quite badly on me if my future kids were to ask me what Phelps did in Beijing 2008, and all I said was "I don't know ehh I was sleeping at that time". Absolutely tragic!

For my part, I think Phelps is beyond phenomenal. Usain Bolt too. Eventually it will be themselves who keep bettering their own records each time. I don't care about the debate on greatest Olympian, or better swimsuit technology, or all those pointless distractants. Oh oh, favourite gymnast is Alicia Sacramone! Kosuke Kitajima is my other inspiring swimmer. And the opening ceremony was WAAHH!!!!

Non-related note: Dragged Celine and Samantha into morning service. If you two are reading this, come in more often!! Then there was mini cell group lunch at J8.

Ducklings. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!