Stolen from Jean's blog! I'm bored haha.

1)How many texts are in your inbox?
34! I usually save all the sweet and meaningful and "I LOVE YOU" messages! I've got some that are two or three years old. Rarely go through them to reread it, but I'm just too sentimental to delete them.

2)When did your last hug take place?
Yesterday? =P

3)Are you a jealous person?
Everyone's jealous to some extent. I would let my girlfriend go out with all the guys she wants as long as there is a basic trust, but I would feel upset if I'm left out of something involving friends.

4)Are you tired right now?
Yeah. Not enough sleep.

5)Do you chew on your straws?
I used to chew all the hard and thin and small Vitagen and Yakult straws! But I stopped doing so because it's disgusting haha.

6)Have you ever been called a tease?
Nope.

7)Do you like to cuddle?
Sometimes I feel like a teddy bear.

8)Do you cry easily?
Lately, yes. It depends on the occasion actually. I don't cry over scenes in TV and I don't cry over insults or discouragements or if I hurt myself. I'm more of a words person, like I would tear if you say something that touches a raw nerve.

9)Are you a heavy sleeper?
Most of the time quite light sleeper.

10)Where is your cellphone?
On the table.

11)Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
Yeah. Although I might get sick of her already hahahaha.

12)Are you mad at someone right now?
No.

13)Do you believe in love at first sight?
I always think it's stuff of movies, but I say yes yes yes.

14)What makes you laugh out loud?
If you do something really silly!

15)Who was the last person you talked to?
Samantha last night. I woke up this morning and my family's out of home already.

16)Name one person on your top friends who is most like you.
Don't have! They are all water and oil with what I am.

17)Do you get butterflies when around the person you like?
Yes hahaha when I was still a teenager.

18)Will you get married?
Ideally, yes. But to actually get there, I have a lot of doubts.

19)When was the last time you smiled?
Ehh now?

20)Does anyone like you?
I don't know.

21)Do you secretly like someone?
Noo I'm very happy being single and not having silly crushes on anyone!

22)Who was the first person you talked to today?
No one yet. My whole family's out of house.

23)Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
Yurong. Be honoured, woman!

24)What are you NOT looking forward to?
Ehh nothing actually.

25)Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?
Yesh.

26)Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?
Like that lorr. She wouldn't be an ex without a reason, and whoever she wants to snog wouldn't be my intervention.

27)Are you a forgiving person?
Generally don't stay angry for long.

28)What’s something you really want right now?
Socks! Holes in my third pair, in three weeks.

29)Do you fall for people easily?
Not really.

30)Have you ever fallen for your best friend ex’s ?
Noo.

31)What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
Toothpaste.

32)Have you ever kissed anyone named Michelle?
Noo haha.

33)Who was the last person you drove with?
Not a driver yet.

34)How late did you stay up last night and why?
1.15am.

35)If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Not really. I'm adaptable, but given a choice I always want to stay.

36)Do you prefer to call or text?
Text.

37)When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
Sighh, can't remember!

38)Who took your profile picture?
My current MSN profile pic was by my sister, because I tried putting a million hair clips in my hair and it looked stupid! Facebook pic is with Cookie Monster from Pulau Ubin, Ben took it for me.

39)Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Kids from hiking at Bukit Timah Nature Reserve.

40)Can you live a day without TV?
Yes, I rarely watch TV.

Went hiking up Bukit Timah hill today! I don't know why I enthusiastically agreed to go initially, because it was a huge struggle to drag myself out of bed this morning! But it was fun though. It was some Sunday School pre-teens outing with the adults, and I'm very impressed with the kids' energy hahaha! Terrain was simpler than what I've done before, but I'm out of sorts and out of breath most of the time. Lunch together, before going back to corps for guitar with Sam and Celine.

And evening just now was movie date with Priscilla! Watched Australia with her at Vivo. It's quite a nice show with nice cinematography. Except that it's three hours long and I'm sleepy, so I constantly felt like falling asleep.

I cancelled all my outings and appointments for tomorrow. Too tired. Sorry!

My only decent photos!

Dec 27th combined youth event turned out to be quite good! Except that sleeping at 5am made it very exhaustive and struggling to stay alert and awake. It was refreshing for me in a sense, and kinda encouraging too to see people responding and making commitments. Lunch worship, for a half hour practice, wasn't too shabby. Evening was tired and tired and tired and no voice to sing, but it was really good worship because I felt it strong and it impacted me in a huge manner. And I'm thankful and glad for all that happened today.

Gosh it's a struggle to stay awake. Goodnight world.

It's past 4am and I think I'm very dead! It's combined youth event in another few more hours, and it's definitely going to be a long day, so I'm just being stupid by refusing to sleep. Christmas is over! So does all my emo feelings and my unreasonable selfish thoughts and my antagonism at trying to find fault with every small thing. And I realised I made a hasty mistake by assuming that everyone is "too young to grasp or too old to bother or too happy in their own bubbles or too ignorant to really care". I do appreciate my friendships with some people okay, even though I constantly want out of this world haha. =)

Next Christmas there will be a party and carrolling and activities, I shall make sure of it and Debra can sing for all she's worth and Dezmand can picnic everywhere. No more going home and no more what shall we do next!

Went down to Bras Basah today to get pickguard for my guitar. It's got scratches already so sad! Then back to corps to guitar jam with Meng Ren hahaha we complement each other because he likes complicated playing and I am conveniently lazy. And dinner with Auntie Julia and her friend Sui. He was guest speaker for the night, and I'm impressed and surprised! Engaging, nice and knowledgeable.

Should really go and get some sleep.


You left me alone to clean up your mess!! But I treasure you enough to do these kind of things for you la.

Perhaps it's yet another timely reminder that my own misery is insignificant compared to whatever that is going on in the bigger scheme. It's not about offering your best, it's about receiving God's best. Hmmm I don't quite understand it, like the first time I heard it it doesn't sound very congruent. But I'll try to. And maybe that's where I'm wrong too. I keep trying and trying and trying about a lot of things, but maybe I should really stop trying, and search for peace instead. I don't want to miss what all of Christmas is really about and stop believing in it, but it's really difficult to concentrate. I just stood there and let those tears flow when we were singing "We were the reason".

And nobody understands how I feel. They are either too young to grasp or too old to bother or too happy in their own bubbles or too ignorant to really care. Not that it really matters, but I miss her. Both of her.

But for everyone's happiness, it's Christmas!!!! Thanks for all the cards and gifts and food and fun.

Obviously I have very different ideas about how all of these would end up. I've been encouraging and listening and trying to make things work, but I don't really take it seriously because it's not my shoes. But now I regret being frivolous because it only starts to matter to me when it really matters. I've always maintained that you are the only person with the power to screw up your own life, and everyone can make decisions for you but you'll still be the one facing the consequences. And this is coming back to bite me in my back. It still ain't my shoes, and I've had enough to understand the thought processes. I really want to be happy but I'm being mightily stupid and I sound facetious and I feel like a sanctimonious creep.

Every Christmas I'm always reminded of how I don't have a best friend whom I can share all sorts of silly problems with. I'm in denial of a lot of things, I don't want to commit, I don't want to because I'm afraid. Every year it's a huge struggle to focus on what it is really all about. Somehow it's much easier this time, and I believe it's no coincidence. But there are always certain things about Christmas that will stir up the dregs. It's inevitable and unavoidable. Which is why I feel like some misfit, even if I have the nicest people in my nice life now. Like two jigsaw pieces that seemingly fit, but they're each from a different puzzle.

The whole world moves on with their life and I'm always stuck in my predicament. Hahaha yeah I'm not one to take initiatives to make sure I feel popular, or to snag that pretty girl, or to make sure things go my way. It's okay laa I'll cope fine.

I should be feeling like I'm really old and wondering what happened to all my teenage years, but I feel surprisingly youthful and sprightly! Went out with Celine Samantha Marcus and Jerrold today at AMK Hub. Watched two movies with them! Twilight and Yes Man. I honestly don't see what's cause for watching Twilight again any time more than once! Never read the book before, but I'm sure it's more than just a sappy love story. The second movie was more of an impulse haha. I'm spending money way too frivolously, but for the fun and happiness I got today, it's worth it la. Jerrold keeps eating, and he keeps expecting me to pay for his food! And Sam just loves ignoring me hahahahaha!

I finished writing all my Christmas cards! And successfully mailed out all those I wanted to mail out. I've got cards for most of everyone but I only have presents for people less than what I can count with one hand, so don't give me anything!

I feel stifled, like I want to do so much more and learn so many things and my capacity isn't maxed out yet, but I constantly feel trapped and beleaguered and tired. But I don't want to leave because I believe in the things that will happen, not from what I do but from what God is doing.

Within the space of the last forty-eight hours, I discovered that while I may think I know a lot, I'm actually clueless and helpless about a lot of things. I realised that I'm actually very easy with my standards and I don't really think much about how other people might feel and I can be self-centered at times and I tend to assume people are being stupid, more than I assume that I'm being stupid. And it was a big fall into reality, especially when someone with the been-there-done-that experience pointed it out for me. I thought I was being thoughtful, but I never realised the implications!

Somewhat in the same vein, I also received a huge shock that had me vacillating between anger and helplessness and disappointment and acceptance! I thought that I wouldn't have to deal with such a situation again anytime soon, especially when the first was very recent. But it still did, and all my previous notions of familiarity went downhill! It's discouraging, and maybe it's because I didn't have a very good week, but I felt like I'm left out of a lot of things.

If I felt horrible yesterday, then today uplifted my moodiness. Yet another frantic rush from camp to be in time for worship leading. Played guitar and led, it was better during practice hahaha but it opened my eyes quite a fair bit. It reminded me strongly of what Christmas is all about. That there's really no substitute in other things, except to keep focusing on the "hope of glory". Perhaps even more fitting, it was the first time in YEARS since I last saw the gigantic cross in the auditorium. Commissioner Lim talked briefly on the Word becoming flesh today, and it keeps replaying in my mind. Everything I've read or thought about in the past few months keeps coming back to me in different ways!

And lunch and guitar with Celine and Samantha. What else can I say? They really brighten up my life. Sure it's more frustration, impatience, and annoyance (all of us) than anything else, but they've been a constant huge encouragement for me all year. Thanks!

Really, really tired of things. I've sort of came to the conclusion that I don't really want to care so much anymore. In the end it just comes back to make me unhappy. The efforts don't justify the returns. But strangely, I'm so desensitised that I'm trying to convince myself to just do my part and not be so caught up with the feelings and attachments. Does this make sense? It sounds very contradictory to me.

My week ahead has something on schedule every day. Nice mix of work and play. =)

Blocked nose, occasionally runny, my breathing is more like wheezing, and I keep sneezing a lot! Feeling really terrible now hahaha. Just back home from camp the whole of this week. Actually I don't know whether I should be happy or sad. No need to go back camp till New Year's Eve, but because I signed extra I have duty tomorrow and on Monday too! Hahaha stupid laa I really am the poster delinquent soldier.

And missing out on youth camp because I've got no more leave! So sad I just went down to church to collect guitar and I saw all the smiley faces while I'm semi-lucid from my horrible flu. I spent my week in camp washing and greasing vehicles and accounting stores and getting all sunburnt and tired from it.

Okiee I should go take medicine and sleep. If it goes well I should see some more happy faces tonight in church.

One of the things that annoy me is seeing churches putting up huge banners outside their building premise proclaiming to all to "Come to me, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28)". It is a peeve because I don't really enjoy a lot of rest times in my spiritual walk, and I'm either envious of the fact that some people get to rest more than I do, or I think it's not very reflective of how Jesus wants it to be. True, it's back to the old argument about how do you reach out to the community, through promises of hope and faith or through damnation. Somehow I don't think putting "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3)" would have the same ring for reaching out.

I know I've said this over and over, that I always seem to be spending too much time doing things in church. To some sense it's true, that sometimes there's very little opportunities for my own receiving. But I'm thankful for all those quiet moments when everything is allowed to settle and I can seek God for a breather before starting another busy month. Yesterday's worship ministry meeting reminded me of the importance of knowing what you're serving for in church, and to focus on yourself first before you take charge of others. I always think that the Christian life is filled with so many things to learn and to do, that resting should be one of the lesser priorities. Sure, I've learnt tonnes and grew tremendously since last year, and I'm catching up on all my lost wandering years, but I need to remember to rest!

I always always always forget that people grow as time goes!! Especially all those friends whom I'm a few years older and I know them well enough generally but I'm just not very close with them. My strongest impressions of them were formed when they were at a certain age like say, 13 years old, and five years later I still keep thinking that they are still stuck in that era! It's a terribly tragic thing. During those occasionally inevitable catching-ups of all those lost years, I tend to say the stupidest things by assuming that they're still kids, or I think that they're incapable of formulating their own thoughts, or I totally lose track of their years and ask if they're still in secondary school when they're almost done with tertiary education.

And that's why I came to the conclusion that I should stop thinking thoughts like I watched who-and-who grow up over the years, or I knew who-and-who when he/she was just a little kid! I forget the fact that as they're adding numbers to their ages, I'm growing up together with them too! If I'm good friends with them throughout all those elapsed years, it's not that bad as I'd have been able to keep track of the growing maturity in their thought processes, or what they're up to now, blah blah. But most of the time I'm not, and I make a fool of myself trying to displace the person they were five years ago and desperately trying to keep up with the current newcomer.

Or maybe, I should just stop thinking that I'm some ratty old wise bat!!

Never knew there's such a place called Balmoral Plaza in Singapore! And the weird thing is, I've been on countless buses that passed by there before, but I never knew the name of that place. It sounds like a sleazy amoral place hahaha and this just goes on to prove how you can live in your neighbourhood all your life but you might not even know the adjacent road name. Although Balmoral Plaza is not in my neighbourhood. Anyway!! Was there this morning with Cheryl and Alicia and Yurong for breakfast worship ministry meeting.

In the evening was The Nutcracker at Esplanade! It was Khairul's suggestion, and we both have very vague ideas about what it's all about, so I don't even know what we were doing watching it in the first place! All I knew prior to it was that it's some Alice in Wonderland ballet. Now I understand it a little bit more. There's a few scenes which are very beautiful and evocative, the music which I found most familiar was the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" after I checked it out when I came home, and I realised now that ballet performances are not for my appreciation. Would much prefer drama or choir!

I've got so many concerns and I want to see so many things being done and I really really believe in the feasibility of everything if determination and effort is put in. It's just something off my mind, especially for this weekend. Pastor Paul's last session with us, leaders' meeting today, played guitar for worship (something I don't normally do). And supper with Dezmand, Matthew and Ming Ren! I'm dead sleepy now but I don't feel like sleeping.

I'm starting on my Christmas cards and shopping already! If not I'll just be in a mad rush like last year and end up not getting anyone anything and everybody turns up with nice presents on Christmas and I keep receiving but never giving.

Abit emo. Keep getting reminded of things that should have been long forgotten years ago.

I always walk right into my weekends thinking of what's in stall for me this week that I haven't already encountered before. Each time I think it couldn't get any better or any worse than the last, and God mocks my naivety by throwing a totally new situation for me to learn from it. I like to think that whatever I do in church is very simple, like for instance, worship leading is just choosing songs, telling musicians what to do, then singing the songs. But it's very difficult to ignore all the priestly implications of being a worship leader. The job scope is always going to be scraping the surface, but the heart has to be pointing in the right direction.

That's why the more I go on, the more I learn to rely on God for strength and for patience. I can keep thinking that all I really need to do is to listen to what they have to say, but I don't realise that they're right on my tail hanging to my every word and deed. Trusting someone doesn't come overnight, but even layers of foundations can crumble, and I'm well aware of the fragility of this entire thing. Especially when it's the teenager years. It's easy for me to gloss over that because I've been through the pains and identity struggles, but they haven't even really started! And so many times, I sit there listening and thinking that they'll grow out of it, and the things that they think or say or do now will probably change drastically by end of next year. But they don't think the way like I do. I've got a nice idea of how it will all end up, but they're concerned about how to get there. It's as for-the-moment as it can get, and it matters because it matters now, and how else to get anywhere without dealing with this now.

I do get nice compliments from people, like Guan You you're really musically talented, or you've got a way with language and words, or you've got something that we all don't. What I truly think of myself is I've never sung professionally, my guitar playing is as simple as it gets, I've never got anything published, and I'm not doing anything special that others haven't already done. I've done my spiritual giftings test, and I serve in whatever ways to my capacity. I'm still learning, I'm very far from who I want to be, and too many times I'm simply following where the wind rocks my boat! God just puts all the mushrooms along the road and I pick them up accordingly and get all the speed boosts.

I like to believe that a long journey begins with that first step of faith. I can divide it on end and split it further and substitute it into something simpler, it still doesn't change where the heart is supposed to be at. I think of simply being their friend, and the expectations keep adding on everywhere. I think of simply being there to guide, and the direction signs are all pointing the wrong way. I no longer think of what I could have been if I were somewhere else. I think of who I am now because of what has happened.

I've never been this worried tonight for anyone for a long time. And I don't even know her as well as I ought to. The older you get, the more crap you have to stand for other people. I don't like all the undeserved responsibilities, but I try and live with it. Sigh. Okay this has been absolutely off the cuff! I'm rambling on and on without getting to the point. At least this weekend is more relaxed and more promising than the past few weeks.

This came in the mail the other day. And it made me think of all the times when I've complained over the littlest of little things, when I probably deserved much lesser and all I ever needed could be as simple as such. Thanks Priya!

Been reading D. H. Lawrence's short stories, and miserably tried to start on John Milton's Paradise Lost. Lawrence's stories impressed me quite a bit! There's a huge sense of verisimilitude and all the characters seem to jump out full-fleshed at you. Everything's stark and naked and bare and trite. Milton made an impression too, for about 400 lines of verse hahaha. Superb diction and it's totally my kind of Christian ideologies, but it winded everywhere and became too confusing to follow.

I really think I don't know what I want when it comes to people! I want to meet tonnes of people and have many many friends, but I think that's being too gregarious for my own good! I don't have the patience to go sustain personal relationships with everybody. Sometimes I want to be comfortable in my own personal bubble, and sometimes I am only comfortable when I'm with loads of people! Everyone is a good friend, but very few close friends.

I need to start thinking what I want to do next year. This year was very queer! I was contented with being Mary-Mary-quite-contrary, but things found me and it was a huge flummox! Still, I'm glad it's a fulfulling year (: