I think my first instinct is always about how can I fix this, or how can I help, or what should I say or do. This is not the first time that someone has pointed that out to me. Most of the time all I really need to do is stop and listen. Maybe my concern and my willingness to even listen to them is more than sufficient. Haiya but I cannot shake off the "I NEED TO DO SOMETHING" feelings. How can you tell me a problem and expect nothing to be done of it except that I listen?

And my pet peeve is as always, that people aren't as serious or as interested as they should be. It's terrible okay I don't understand how you can be half-hearted to a heavy commitment that you undertook yourself! It's times like these that makes me go back to justify what Uncle Richard said about being busy is not a very good excuse. There's plenty of time available it's how you make of it, and commitment always involves certain sacrifices, so don't bother if you don't want to. Would it be better if we all just said no right from the start. How can we be satisfied with just knowing God exists, and never bother to spend time seeking Him. Why even bother to go church.

Wehh I think I have some chronic disorder to need constant action or activity. Or I'm just taking everything too seriously and getting upset over something trivial. Okay la I should take encouragement from positive attitudes first. Hahaha before I lament over lack of Christ-like attitudes. I've got a long long way to go myself too.

I spent a very nonsensical Friday with Eunice. We went Towner Road AWWA wanting to volunteer but we didn't even dare to go in, and in the end I would have had to go through some interview procedures also. Then we looked at the MRT map trying to decide some random place that we could go, and ended up at Ang Mo Kio AWWA but didn't do anything there either. Went to AMK Hub to roam around instead, and Eunice kept searching for every pink thing or tube dresses or girly thing just so she can laugh at me! Crazy laa half the time we were laughing at pointless things or silly nonsense.

And Eunice brought two friends Charmel and Joelynn, one of them asked me do I ever scold my cell group members. I don't know how to put it hahahaha even if I'm angry or irritated I still must be patient! Yes yes it's already hard to tell them things without sounding like I want to impose my morals on them. Hahaha then I'll just be reverting to nagging which I do best. Haiya don't know la I'm not sure what I want and I don't know how to do it and I'm too old to appreciate their world.

Need to pray more, and have faith.

Eunice just taught me something hahahaha I didn't know I could do this!

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I'm being retarded I knoww.

Okiees update for my weekend. Yesterday was supposed to be happy picnic at Botanic Gardens again, but the rain brought us to Dora's house instead! I was all ready to bring my frisbee out and I even prepared bread for the swans! But in the end all I played was Blokus and bridge and with Dora/Marcus/Debra's hamsters.

Had to rush down to Republic Poly for some drama performance after that. Sherwin's friend Salima was acting in it, and Wei Long Fabian me were there to support even though we've got no idea what the play was going to be and we don't know who Salima is. Very impressive actually, because the theatrical group was pretty much self-run by this group of JC students and I don't think there are any teachers or adults really helping them and the direction wasn't too amateurish and acting was good and organisation was very structured! and I really think Salima is the finest actor on the whole set. And I found out later that she's in dance too and she has her own chorale group and she gets top grades in school and acting is just "something she likes to do".

Why am I not multi-talented like that huh!! Hahaha I spent two years in JC arts stream and I hung out with all the cool cool people who can sing and dance and act and debate and draw and write and lead and still get nice grades in class, so why didn't some of their creative genes rub off me! Although I'm game enough to dance and act hehh just that I think the production would have collapsed on its head and reared its ugly end. Anyway it's not about me. We went to eat supper at Jalan Kayu before going home.

Today was largely at church as on a Sunday would be. Joined in for soldiership class all over again haha. And jamming to sing my rubbishy accompaniments. Went down to Gracehaven in the evening with David Yurong Rachel to join in their service and to meet all the relevant people and to check out the technicalities. I'm still gripped with the same strong feelings when I first led worship there! Had a good long chat over there. But the chicken wings which their staff prepared were good haha.

Nice picture, or maybe cos it's the SLR haha.

At the start of the year I told Cheryl not to schedule me for Friday worship leading until March, because I didn't really want to have to rush down from camp again. I thought I won't be very free on Fridays, but I just realised that for the past few weeks I've been down to help here there everywhere with the practice. So nonsense!! But okay laa it's a timely break to take stock of everything that I'm doing. I really think we should amplify the kick bass drum and I think the bass guitar should be loud until cannot be louder, then we'll just all drown in all the bass notes hahaha.

And I'm trying my best to read the Worship Matters book without feeling overly inadequate! Kat passed it to me a week back, and the more I read the more I'm overwhelmed by what a worship leader is called to do and supposed to be doing. It's such a demanding role and I didn't really stop to think before what all of this entails, and now I'm thinking whether I should even continue leading worship! Hahaha Kat says she didn't intend on convicting us when she settled on this for reading resource, and not entirely supposed to be thinking like that. So I'm trying to take with a pinch of salt everything that I fall short of, and strive to improve on those areas.

Which brought to mind Andy the security guard too. Hahaha he went to the chapel to get one of those list of Bible verses to turn to when you're troubled or worried or sad or whatever, cos he wanted to use them as ideas for mushy text messages for his girlfriend! Okay laa it's not the best way to get him to read the Bible, but it was kinda fun showing him how he can look up the verses himself. I chose not to tell him about 1 Corinthians 13 "love is patient love is kind" cos I know he'll definitely like that one, hehh let him find it himself laa. But the funniest thing was he turned to John 14, which went “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you". And he said the first verse is very good, but he can't send the second verse, or his wife will start demanding for more houses!

I changed my guitar strings! Trying out this new brand which the guitar store assistant recommended. The sound is super good I can play anything and it sounds so rich and nice that your heart can melt instantly!! I don't care what Mark Matthew Kenneth whoever says hahaha my guitar sounds the best and the pickup is so good that when I play it and the guitar is leaning on my stomach it can even pick up my breathing hahahaha!

How! My cell group is crazy wacky giggly. Jolene we're too old hahaha.

Holy Spirit come in power
Change my heart
I want to live for You, my God
Let Your Spirit come in power
Change my life
That I may live for You my Lord
Fall on us Lord


I think this song is the combination to both Holy Spirit Rain Down and Fire Fall Down! You can sing this instead as an alternative. I strongly believe you cannot sing both of those songs in one single worship session because there is an elemental clash in itself already! Either the rain will douse the fire or the fire will burn the water out hahaha. Yesh I have thought about this before when I was planning for one worship a long long time ago. Alicia and Mark thinks this is hilarious. But there you go, here's a song that encompasses "falling" without fluid nor flames.

Valentine's Day was spent with Priscilla at Cedar Girls' funfair! I asked her cos it's her old secondary school. Cheapo method of inviting a girl for a date but I spent last Valentine's with her too! I threw sponges at little girls! Terrible haha. But it was fun and with great company and silly. And going to Dora's house after meeting up with the rest after Pris left.

Today's totally maniacal I thought Sunday School kids will be nice and quiet and cutesy, but they were like a hurricane okay! They started hitting me before they even know who I am! And at night was watching movie New In Town.

Some photos, thanks to Pris. Spot us in the crowd! Hahaha what we resorted to doing to make ourselves feel popular. And the ducky photo right, the random girl turned out to be one of the poster girls for the funfair brochures and posters, according to Lydia! I was quite amused and shocked too how can it be so coincidental! And now Lydia refuses to believe me hahaha she thinks I am secretly in love with pretty poster girls. I really only wanted the duck, but the girl was just there!!!!

My hands still have this buttery, cookie taste that is still faintly distinct even after I soap it thoroughly! Actually cookie baking is quite easy and fun laa after you get the hang of it. I still remember the first time ever I tried baking the cookies, Alicia and Mark kept scolding and laughing at me cos I really didn't know anything! I've improved tremendously since then okay!!!

I went for HIV blood test on Thursday, and the spot on my arm where the medic injected me to draw my blood still hurts! Not very badly la but it sort of bruised a bit. And I got a blister on one of my finger after getting burnt by the oven. Aiyoo I cannot straighten my left arm and I cannot maximise use of my right hand!

I got very upset with the service today. I couldn't focus during worship because I thought everything sounded very discordant, then the projections weren't coming on when they should be, and I keep getting distracted by a lot of little noise here and there, and people around me weren't paying attention too. Again and again, the evil nagging question kept asking itself: everything is going wrong and people are not interested also, so why did I bother to come for service when I could be home sleeping instead??

But I realised I missed the whole point of it la. It's really not about performing the most rousing worship or presenting the most touching messages or having synced projections and slides. I got too caught up in the technicalities and it's totally overlooking the essence of worshipping and seeking God. In the end, the service is run by people, but the focus of it all should point to God.

And that was why I thought pastor's message was like a bullet aimed straight at me. There's bound to be different expectations from everyone, and there will always be an incompatibility between people and the jobs that needs to be done. Rather than sulking at all these faults and inadequacies, we should fully expect all of these and turn to God to fix all these gaps. Where there is imperfection, God is perfect. Where there is dissimilarity, God is the same everywhere.

Is being too serious a bad thing? What if you really believe in something, or you really want to do something, but everyone around you doesn't share the same passion as you? Don't know laaa I'm not in the position to criticise or judge either. I can only carry out my part and keep praying and keep encouraging, and reconcile the fact that God is sovereign and will work accordingly to His time.

I'm tired of a lot of things la. I was half expecting leaders' meeting to be long and draggy. Okay it was quite long, but I realised that it's not always about me doing complaining ranting. I wish I am more able to surrender it completely and let God take control. Yesh I'm forgetting that serving God is supposed to be a joyful thing to do, rather than shuffling my tired feet all the tim. And yesh yesh everyone should read Philippians and make it their personal aim to want to know Christ more and more, and to keep running the race.

Pastor said "don't walk away".

Andy the security guard was kinda dejected today, because one of the 4D results corresponded with the digits in his handphone number, but he didn't place any bets for that number! And that would have been a potential $2500. He keeps telling me that if he wins the $10 million Toto jackpot, he'll buy a new laptop so that I can help him transfer songs into his new mp3 player, then I'll get to keep the laptop.

Hahaha I think I've always been a "good boy" in that aspect I have no idea how all the soccer or Toto or 4D or whatever betting systems work. Maybe I know some rudimentary terms, and it ends there? I think I'll forever be a "good boy" if I don't drink, don't smoke, don't gamble regularly, don't take drugs, don't have non-committal sex with random girls.

Goody-two-shoes la.

"Her cell group grew from a small size of about 10 to the current 70 strong now, and yet she not only knows all of them by name, but maintains a close relationship with each one of them. She carries two phones around with her everywhere she goes, one which is for her normal usage, and another which is reserved specially for her cell group members, so that she can be constantly available to reply their messages, to answer their calls, and to be online on MSN to talk to them."

Doesn't she sound like God? Oh my gosh I have trouble keeping up with less than 10 people in my cell group la, and half the time I'm too lazy to reply their messages.

But I'm sure they all love me hahaahahaha I'm super lovable =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)=)

Last week at Heart of God Church, someone I haven't met before in my life asked me if I was a Christian and whether my purpose for going there was to look for a new church. I found it remotely insulting and I was thinking to myself whether that was an appropriate question to ask to someone whom you just met for the first time! Okay laa to give her credit she proceeded with huge caution and trepidation, and I really didn't know anyone there at all, so I thought the questions about me would invariably revolve around what I'm doing now, which church am I from, what do I do there blah blah. My answer to that lady who asked me the question was yes I've been to church since I was eight and I'm happy serving at Salvation Army in Bishan.

And that answer I gave sort of haunted me because it's true, and I wished I could have told her more than just that. I'm very thankful for the opportunities to serve in church all these years, and all of these experiences allowed me to learn and grow and mature both in my spiritual walk as well as my character building. I think that the more I'm doing, the more I'm learning about God and the more He is becoming real to me, like someone I can always always depend upon.

But I don't want to just keep doing stuff in church! On the few occasions when I've got no commitments or no roles to play in the service, I try and sit as far away as most of the congregation are sitting so that I won't be distracted or whatever. Every time I try very hard, but I just cannot escape the feeling that it's very dead and I don't feel God in church at all and a lot of times I might be better off staying at home, especially when I'm finding it so difficult to find a few Fridays or Sundays where I can just be part of the congregation and stay in my seat without going on stage.

How is it that some of my friends in other churches can still involve Jesus in a very big manner in the way they live their lives, and yet they are not as active in church as I am? Sometimes I really admire the way they are spiritually disciplined, and how they are really passionate to talk about Christ and how real He is to them. The amazing thing is, most of their Sundays involve them sitting and standing up from their seats only, but they are able to translate it outside church into their daily quiet times and make Godly decisions. I really really strive to be like them in their approach to be like Christ.

I can never really say to anyone that worship that Sunday was really Spirit-moving, or the sermon really spoke to me, or I learnt something totally new just from listening to pastor. Except on quite rare occasions. I'm not saying my church leaders and pastor and worship team is lousy or bad or anything like that. I just think that my church really needs a huge revival to want to know God better. And at the same time still remain faithful to the Salvation Army traditions and doctrines. At the end of the day I can sit down with church leaders and name all the faults and problems, and we can employ all the appropriate people or actions to solve it, but in the end it'll just be a people-led movement and not something from God.

And woah. If I ever pull myself out from all the leadership roles and just be content with going to church for the services without any involvement, I think I wouldn't have made God a priority in my life. I know they keep saying that it's not about just seeking and involving God in church, it should be an everyday affair, something that we should do daily to build the relationship. But I find it disturbing sometimes when I can't even feel God or learn anything new within church! I'm going church out of habit and because I've got commitments to fulfil. How to talk about outside of church in this case? How to grow deeper in the Word???

Everyone wants to be in the knowledge, in the clear, in the truth, in the light. No one really likes to be deceived or kept from knowing some things.

The thing is, how not to be disappointed by something that seemingly may not concern you, but you would really really like to know of its happenings. It's not as if you can change things or you can can stop it from happening. It's just good that you want to know.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" -Hebrews 11:1

I guess that one of my motivations to do many of the things I'm doing now, stems from my own desire that people will eventually share the same interests in the things that I am interested in. Take for instance trying to be environmentally-friendly and greenie and trying to learn about birds and trees and animals. I want to create awareness in that area and to share the intricacies of the diversity of wildlife. And it speaks the same for what I do in church too, like I want people to discover the same God that I find real to me, to assist people to worship Him and for God's glory to be magnified.

It's the same expectations when I'm in a new and foreign place too. I would want people to welcome me and talk to me and introduce me to new people and show me around and take a vested interest to get to know me blah blah. And in order for that to happen, I have to be friendly and gregarious enough for people to talk to me in the first place! That gives me more reasons to make an active effort to get to know new people I meet for the first time, and in another sense to reciprocate the friendliness that I would expect to have.

I'm sure there are a lot more reasons to fuel all these "determined purposes", but I'm kinda lazy to blog.

My "do something out of own comfort zone" for the weekend was going down to Heart of God Church alone on Saturday! I ended up separated from Vanessa even though I knew no one else there, because they've got this zone thing and I was introduced to people of my age group instead hahaha. But the new people I met were very friendly, and I really enjoyed the worship and the service. The sermon was really a sermon, because everyone took out their notebooks to take down notes, and I'm the only one there just listening without writing something down! I'm really struck by how everyone there is so serious and so passionate to know God. I only knew one song out of the many they sang for worship, and I learnt something new from the sermon, so I came out of the service full of funny new thoughts!

And yesterday's service was really meaningful and powerful to me, because it reminded me of everything that has been bugging me for the past few months. I thought worship at Heart of God was moving enough already, but yesterday was really an inner desire to want to praise, and feeling the Spirit moving and searching from within. And pastor's message about Salvation Army was a reminder yet again of what the Army stood for and the church roots that I grew up with. It's always interesting for me to note others' reactions when I tell them I'm from Salvation Army, because most people are aware of the social services, but not so much of the church behind it.

I really shouldn't be going into this la, but pastor's message prompted me to think again what it means to know God in a Salvation Army church, amidst all the doctrines and soldiership and social services. I used to have this weird idea that being part of Salvation Army means nothing if you're not a soldier and if you don't embrace the doctrines and the people you want to reach out to. Like, what is the point of knowing God through this church when you can be worshipping God at a million other churches? Okay laa I'm don't really think like that anymore. It's really really seeking God first in everything that you do, and knowing Him and worshipping Him because of the relationship you want to cultivate.