Here's a small unknown fact that will probably just go unnoticed in church as time goes by. About close to four months, I told the Sunday worship leaders over a meeting that I wanted to take a break from Sunday service worship for the next two years or so. Mainly for reasons to focus more on cell group and co-leaders. It was quite a tough decision to make, but at the same time it did not take too long for me to come to that conclusion either. Tough decision, because I have really enjoyed being a part of the music that happens on Sunday services, and I've been in a wonderful team that helped to sharpen me spiritually and musically. And relatively fast decision, because I think at the start of this year I really wanted to be more focused and I felt that cell group with the addition of two new co-leaders had to take priority.

A couple of years back I did a similar stepping down from Friday youth service worship team, at that probably because I really couldn't take my increasingly hectic worship schedules. Hahaha I remember those back-to-backs when it seems like there's never-ending songs for me to plan, sing, practice or play. No sooner had I finished one service, I have to go back and plan for the next two. Haven't had crazy periods like those since then, and more so even now. I used to think that my involvements in the worship ministry was kinda superfluous to everything else that I'm doing in church, that it was not one of my main core ministries, that if I ever wanted to offload then worship would be the first. But I think God kinda winged that back at me and helped to affirm and anoint whatever that I've been doing with my singing or my guitar playing.

Worship still continues with or without being on stage, and I thank God for all of the experiences and talents and blessings and rewards all these years. Eh nope, guitar won't be rusty too, I've just got the latest Gracehaven worship schedule, and Min Jie just asked if I can do Good Friday's service.

There's this German confectionery brand called Ritter Sport, you should have heard of them chocolate bars, I think they are relatively common in Singapore. They have quite a few varieties like dark chocolate or milk chocolate with hazelnuts or with almonds or something. And in my opinion, the best thing about Ritter Sport is that each variety comes with its own special colour! Call it my cheap thrills or whatever, but I really enjoy going into some supermarket and seeing green and red and white and blue in neat rows on the display shelves, and knowing that I can pick any one of those colours (or variety) should I ever feel like having a Ritter Sport chocolate snack.

But for all the colours and types at my choice disposal, I almost always fall back on the one with the yellow packaging which says 'Cornflakes' on it. Hahaha I like choices and I like being able to deliberate on my chocolate decisions. For most parts of it, that is a good thing to me, except that my final purchase would almost invariably be dear old 'Cornflakes', reason being it's my favourite among all the choices! And actually that's a slight misnomer, I can't really put claim to it being my favourite, because I don't exactly remember trying the other varieties at all! Once upon a long time ago I tried 'Cornflakes' and I liked it so much that it became my default purchase among the smorgasbord.

Okay this post makes me sound a bit air-headed, but everytime I look at all those choices on the shelves I tell myself one day I shall try this and another day I shall try that, but the impulse of the moment is always to reach for the one that I'm most familiar with. Kinda like never ever stepping out of my comfort zone right? Hahaha and here's the twist in a really dark sense of humour, cos on Valentine's Day I received two Ritter Sport chocolate bars, in any other colour but yellow! One of them is 'Raisins and Hazelnut', another is 'Dark whole hazelnuts'. It's cruel because I don't really like my chocolates to have nuts and raisins and fruit bits! The two of them are currently residing in my fridge and earning my deepest suspicion, because I seriously doubt if they are anywhere as good as 'Cornflakes'. But then again if I didn't receive them as presents, I probably would never get around to trying these varieties ever.

In the purest of all honesty, I was very tempted to give them away for the next friend who celebrates a birthday hahahaha. But no. I will try them and eat them.

A oompletely non-related and slightly random observation, but I'm completely enthralled whenever I see a keyboardist/pianist using a Nord Keyboard, from the Swedish company Clavia! I can't remember when I first noticed someone using the keyboard, but you really can't miss it because I think most of their keyboards are an electrifying red, and it's really difficult for me not to like it for its colour. They've got several models I don't really know how to determine if a particular keyboard is good or not because I'm not adept with a piano. But I used to think that when it came to analogue or digital keyboard sounds or synthesizer or padded sounds, I thought the ones to beat are the Yamaha Motif series and the Korg M3s and even the Rolands.

Again, I have to emphasize that I know next to nothing according to keyboards! Ask me about guitars and I might hold a better conversation on that topic. But I like it because it's visually stunning (RED!) and makes a bold statement. When we were up in Stockholm last year, I think one of the keyboardist was using one. Think the keyboardist at Taylor Swift concert was using one too. It sounds kinda shallow to just like a gear because of its appearance, but I would be pretty sure the keyboards could hold well the layering and the holds and whathaveyou, was never a keyboardist/pianist, and probably won't be in the near future. But if I'm one, I'll be soooo tempted to fetch one for a princely sum.

Just back from Taylor Swift's concert, I'm not a terribly crazy fan of her but I like her music, and was mostly there because Joanna couldn't find other people to go with to the concert! Joanna was like my personal DJ, she hollers to me the name of every song that they're playing. Don't get me wrong I've listened to Taylor Swift's songs before, and to "prepare" for this concert I listened to the new album a few times, but I just don't put the corresponding titles to the familiar music/lyrics, hence Joanna kept "how could you not know what song she's singing!" But it was a great show, I really love the way she flashes her mega-watt smile! Happiness came from great music, awesome guitars, nice animated displays... And more than anything now I'm inspired now that ukulele can be a stage concert instrument.

I suppose this post will be quite personal, but it's been something that has been on my mind quite a fair bit and it never really showed signs of abating completely. Something triggered the entire "family church" thingy that I took great lengths to resolve in the past two years. After service yesterday, Vivian suddenly decided that she wanted to draw a family tree of our church youths because she was enlightened by a lot of familial relations suddenly made known to her! Most parts of it went like "are you sure they are siblings" and "didn't know they are cousins", and she had to put all the relationships down on paper to make sense of it all! So she grouped immediate family members together, drew curly lines for cousins, linked all those who were in love... etc. Then the trouble came when we had to fit certain individuals who comes to church regularly, but their parents or their siblings do not attend any of our services. In the end we circumvented the problem by drawing isolated smiley faces for each of these people.

People like me.

I should clarify a bit that my parents used to attend church, way back in the 1990s when I first started attending Sunday School. My sister was with me all the way till her mid-secondary school age or so. But yep they stopped coming sometime somewhere. And the questions I tend to get a lot in church is, why did they stop coming, or what happened, or are they still attending some other church? I know it's pure concern more than anything, but I recall growing up in church in my teenage years, that everytime someone asked me those questions, I wished they would ask more about me who is the one attending church, rather than about my family who doesn't attend church. Of course that was my attention-seeking and young self muddling my way about my first forays into church ministry. A few years later I'm not the most wisest, but I think back and I see the difference in my thought processes.

I used to be quite envious when people share about how their families pray together at home, or how they've got cousins and aunts and uncles worshipping in the same church and they see each other every week. Then there were families who go to church together on Sundays and maybe two or three of these would be closer families and their children will grow up from young playmates. And the clincher was festive occasions like Christmas or Chinese New Year, where different families would visit one another or gather at a common place and all seems merry and dandy. Sure, this sounds slightly idealistic, but when my parents aren't that close to anyone in church and when my sister doesn't come, it sure feels like I'm all alone every Sunday and every Christmas and every CNY. My family is awesome and I love them very much, but there are times when I really wish we were all going to church together every week.

Okay this is not all negative, that is not to imply that I did not meet great mentors and friends who took me in easily and looked out for me like we were somehow related. I'm grateful to all of them who prayed for me constantly, or they were people I could cry to asking for help, or they gave invitations so readily that it sometimes made me feel almost embarrassed to accept it. I know church is the family of believers, but bottom line is I still feel like I stick out like a sore thumb when almost everyone has parents or siblings somewhere in church to call their biological family.

Enough rambling, I've tried to bring in my personal experiences into my cell group ministry, showing more interest in their lives and giving them more time outside of church. And even more so whenever I go to Gracehaven because I am constantly reminded of the need for reaching out and acceptance and social justice. And I've realised that if a person like me, after more than a decade and a half in church and I still feel left out, what more for newcomers into church. Need to show love, and till then I'm still a separate smiley face in Vivian's tree, but if not for my church family of believers I wouldn't be where I am today too.

It's Chinese New Year, and have been visiting quite a fair bit in the past three days. For most of the years my grandma's place (dad's side) is usually the only place my family visits on the second day. And even at that, lunch is just seven of us squeezed into a small table, perfunctory and almost methodical, which is also why I think my grandma's cooking pretty much defines most of my CNYs every year. There were more houses visited this year, and if I have to be specific in my lingo, the "more houses" would belong to friends, whereas my grandma's place are the relatives.

Somehow it seemed as if my time freed up a lot. I haven't really done much since the start of this year. In the past few years it felt like I was constantly running back-to-back races; no sooner had I just finished one, and I have half a sight on the next finishing line. But the first month of this year creeped by without much significant events, and I'm rested for the better. A lot more free time to take it a leisure's pace.

I need to catch up on my extremely delayed readings.

Yesterday night at youth service and cell group was a huge encouragement and a very very big testament of how God works in marvellous ways through each one. During testimony giving time, it was just person after person after person thanking God for something in their lives, and it's not very frequent that we've had such forthcoming responses. It was to the point where my iPod played finish one entire Hillsong album, and we're still not done. But what made it particularly satisfying and edifying to me was how quite a lot of those from my old/new cell group came up to share! If somewhere throughout the week something good happens in one of their lives that makes them excited enough to tell me, I will usually tell them go up and give testimony on Fri, and then they will be like "oh nooo cannot I shy I scared blah". But most times they do anyway, as long as I make the right bargains like buy them bubble tea heh!

Standing up and being visible and displaying thankfulness is something that some of my friends firmly believe in, it kinda rubbed into me overtime throughout the years. But nothing beats seeing your own cell group people gathering courage to stand up there and testify of the Lord's goodness. Okay la it only works for me and my cell haha because I'm so old and they're so young. But I have to say, even though I always encourage and force and coerce and plead and bargain with them to give testimony, when they eventually stand up there in front, none of them has ever said anything resembling Guan You told me to come up. Okay it's unexplainable the joy and elation that I feel haha.

Vivian's testimony included being happy to come to church and looking forward to Fridays and Sundays. I need to start going about in that same attitude too, not that I pull a long cucumber face in church, but I need to keep reminding myself to be expectant of God's miracles.

Alright here's one tiny confession about reading and books. I quite like receiving books for presents, and I do enjoy reading. But thing is, the books that I usually leave on the shelves unread are the ones that I get from presents! And they usually stay there for months and months until I need something to read, then I will remember that I have that book and hence the birth of a new read. Those are my "low priority" books, my high priority ones tend to be school-related or I need to finish this literature novel for my class or this textbook. Then the middle and in-betweens tend to be the books that I buy for myself, because when I spend money on something then I will have a higher impetus to make it worthwhile.

And when I do buy books for other people, I tend not to get familiar books or books that I've already read before. That's cos I am usually bewildered whenever I step into any library or bookshop, there's too many books at my choice disposal, so I usually end up getting books which I am interested to read, or books that look interesting. In that process I'm also hoping that when this particular friend finishes the book, they can lend it to me!

Now you know what to do if you received books from me before, or if you receive books from me in future!

Something I never got around to blogging, was the previous combined territorial youth service's worship. For all of last year, every combined meeting or camp that the Youth Dept organised, I was among the musicians/leaders singing and playing. That in itself is a pretty amazing opportunity which I had the privilege to be a part of. And ministry work always works out into huge blessings for me; I sing and I hear the congregation singing back to God, which kinda makes worship leading such a pivotal role to me. But at the same time I don't get to be part of the congregation and most times I don't get to experience worship from the pews! So it was with much relish and delight that I wasn't part of the music team two weeks ago, presumably cos I was already giving a short sharing. And I've gotta say, whoo hoo! Great atmosphere, it was just electrifying. That's not to say that the normal Sundays and Fridays and whatever other services have lacklustre atmospheres, cos I am trying to learn how to worship from the heart and not from the music I hear now, hence I can't put myself down to such comparisons.

School's into its second week, I gotta start to focus now.

Ten or eleven days into this side of the 2011 new year, and nary a blog post! Surely my life isn't that uneventful. Okay, the last things I recall doing over the weekend that just passed included a 10-minute message at territorial combined youth service, and leading worship on Sunday service. I haven't shared any messages or sermons in a long time, so to foreground a 10 minute speech I have to prepare like 10 hours? And same goes for leading worship; of late I have been forgetting lyrics and getting the jitters when I'm midway singing. But again, it's always His grace at work, and my words and my songs are not worshipful if they are not His, so ughhh more preparation more planning more practice.

I am, in most manner of things, excited about the new things this year. New cell group, new lessons in school, new books, new ventures... I am also trying to plan a holiday in June or July! Hahaha shall see where that will take me.

I'm five hours into the last day of 2010, and I generally think that my thought processes flow best after midnight if I want to write something. I mean, look at the assignments which I have to do for school! The bulk of almost every essay's content that I did for this year was written when everyone in my house is asleep and snoring. So I kinda figured that now's a good time for me to write my traditional reflection post on the year that is passing, in the light that the newer year is coming. I have a strange suspicion that I missed the last two years' worth of reflections, because I've either been too busy or I just wasn't as bothered to sit down in front of the computer. But tonight, the stars are in the right alignment, I've found the right position in my seat, the keys tapping away on my laptop make for nice accompanying sounds this late into the night... So a long blog post to toast a great year!

I think the biggest highlights of this year were the extensive mileages that I've clocked for my passport and for myself! It was the first time I've been to so many countries and cities in a single year. Was in Bangladesh getting all flustered to meet my World Vision adopted child for three years, and battling heavy rain in the Sundarban mangroves. The new friends I met on the trip were some of those who taught me the greatest lessons in life, although I have not been so faithful to attend the gatherings after the trip because of worship leading at Gracehaven! Both times! Was also in Europe getting to Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, Stockholm, and a 5-hour transit in Brussels cos of train delays, getting to all the must-gos and must-sees and must-dos, which included streets, cathedrals, monuments, buildings, blah blah. Great company from David and Yurong! And spectacular Salvation Army youth conference in Stockholm which pretty much justified my initial doubts. I don't really travel a lot unless there's a utilitarian function to it, and holidays with family are once in a blue moon. But now I think I really do need that kind of break to be totally away from everything and to just soak! Okay where shall I go in 2011 for personal holiday?

Without a doubt, I have to say something about my cell group again. I can stamp my foot down to say that they are some of the best people I've met in my life thus far, and it's my awesome privilege to be a part of their lives for this year (and for some of them, almost three years!). There's a previous post dedicated for them already, but I still want to emphasize the impact they have on my life and my ministry, because I really was this close to leaving everything this year, but commitment to them comes almost above everything else that I do in church, and there's no way I can leave them floundering. Blessed beyond words for all the lives that I've met, and nope, fifty new friends in those three years is not a misnomer. They just keep bringing their friends and new people just keep coming and I keep having to learn new names and be involved with new things for each person's life. Last cell group outing two days ago had 16 people cycling or blading, without full attendance! It's quite a joy watching them grow in faith, grow in maturity, grow in size/height/weight over the years, and the silly things they do or the weird hairstyles they had when they were younger. Okay I was once like them too haha. A huge thanks to them for all the fun and laughter and meaning and purpose and lessons learnt. And a very special mention to Jolene for doing all the things that I didn't do, for being the cheerleader, supporter, counsellor, mother, teacher, scold-and-scolder... Haven't spent as much time and effort with you as I would like to, but I assure you you're doing a great job, it's an absolute delight all these years and you're still important in my life!

And there's the other major role that I do at church, which put simply requires me to go onstage to sing and play guitar at the same time. Except that I often forget it's as much a leadership position that requires me to also draw people to the mercy seat, to connect people with God, to turn eyes to Jesus. I didn't lead worship as frequently as I used to do this year compared to in previous years, but still there was a very marked change in my perspectives and style and musicianship. Mind-blowing at the territorial youth camp which was just hours and hours of praising and worshipping, and in part also to very good mentors and advisors that I've met this year, and also in part to the huge amounts of time that I used to devote to doing chordsheets!! Hahaha what an unlikely source, but in the past I used to twiddle with the keys of a song a lot, and I would transpose songs into different keys for hours on end just to try, which was also when I wasn't a very good guitarist. Then all those efforts paid off now when I can look at a chordsheet, decide that I want to do capo 7, then right on the spot transpose and surprise myself by getting 80% of the chords right. The other 20% is a murk. At the start of the year I felt like God was getting me to mentor people in this area as well, and I thought okay well one or two will be cool, I can mess up their lives a bit hahaha, but they came in droves and there's five of them now that probably show far more potential than what I can teach them with. Corps youth camp worship deserves their credit, I didn't do much at all.

I usually don't have anything good to say for school, but sometimes being a Geography major gets you somewhere in life, because I learn about so much social things and quite a bit of current affairs and other heady ideological stuff, that it helps me to pretend I'm smart at some things. But yeah, I'm probably one of those students who study just enough and skip the additional readings, get decent and respectable grades and whoohoo. Either I'm really smart and brilliant for this year, or I just happened to study the correct things right before exams. In any case, I want to be a better student next year! I'm getting like mostly B+s for everything, but I shall resolve to do better than that because I know I have the time and the discipline to study more if I just managed my time better.

More time for other things.

And that basically sums up my entire year... With a bit of what I want to do next year. I think top priority goes to the new cell group, the new mentees that are coming under my charge, to worship leading and where it will take me. Family's right there near the top too! Okay it's time for bed, it's been a blessed year.

Cell group outing yesterday! Kinda envisioned it as a conclusion to this year, and before they all disappear to other cells. Hence it was a lot of pregnant, poignant moments that made me treasure each of them for the person they are.

We were at East Coast Park cycling or roller-blading the whole afternoon, then Parkway for dinner, before we all decided to go Andrea's house, with the werewolf game and with lots of chili and black pepper crabs!

Okay cell group, great times being your leader.

The Christmas weekend was a good respite from everything. It kinda felt like I hadn't got a proper holiday yet! Since my last exam for last semester, everyday went something like wake up, rush for this, rush for that, do this do that. I want a day where I'm just home (and prefably in bed) just lazing and taking things at a snail-leisurely pace to do irrelevant things without any pressure or deadlines. I led worship on Christmas morning, which kinda came hot on the heels after youth camp, so I was quite exhausted of having to prepare for yet another worship set.

Of course, one of the eagerly-anticipated traditions that we do every year, is the after-service gifts and cards exchange! Usually I receive gifts that require me to eat them, but this year I think I've got a slightly more percentage of stuff that I can use/display/read rather than stuff which I have to consume. Hahaha either way, thanks to all those who gave me presents and/or cards for Christmas! I expect the guilt game to continue every year, because I've decided about a few years back that I shall not go down the road of writing cards and giving mass presents to everyone. So this year was just cards to leaders, some presents to certain individuals, and long essays in cards to cell group people! And, managed to hit town a few times this December for the glimmering lights! Which, in past years, have been rather non-existent because of various commitments.

I've got about two or three more weeks before school starts again. I'm looking to read productively, although at the rate that I read, I probably will give up whatever novel I'm embarking on once the school term kicks in.

Back from our corps youth camp! God's been great, it was a lot of fun and a lot of learning. Might have only been 3 days, but I felt that it was long enough to do quite a lot of things! I think half the campers were 15 and below, so that means they fall directly under my cell group or to-be cell groups, and my prayers are answered! Everybody's integrated and mingled and mish-mashed and jumbled up, waaay younger people talking to waaay older people blah blah. It kinda feels weird for me to be a gatecrasher with not much responsibilities, I'm neither an active participant nor am I a full-fledged group leader for camp hahaha! Worship was great, with the very talented team of new leaders on board. They sorted out their own practices and songs and music while I was away at ICT last week, so I had to find something to play on the guitar that didn't clash with them. My guitar capo was my lifesaver for three-quarters of the songs, and a lot a lot a lot of on-the-spot transposing in my head oh my gosh I should go memorize the Nashville system really soon. Or just play everything by ear, which might be slightly faster.

Alright, I'm kinda just rambling, real tired out from insufficient sleep.

My mind goes towards the testimonies and affirmations that Jolene suggested we do during cell group time on Friday night. Last Friday was the last youth service for the year, and poignant because three-quarters of my cell will be "graduating" and moving into older cell groups next year. Think I've mentioned it before, but this is the first time in quite a few years that another cell group of mine is breaking up. So Jolene decided we should give thanks to someone within the cell for whatever influence and impact that helped shape our personal lives. And sitting there listening to each of their sharings, I realise how much I'm going to miss this bunch of people. It didn't seem like it at the start of this year, but I think all of them changed a lot a lot, became wiser and older and more intelligent and more responsible. Small things that didn't seem to matter a lot to me at that time suddenly meant so much more, which is real ironic because once again I underestimate the significance and the weight of what God can do with my brokenness.

Anyway, I'm trying out my last grasps of reaching out to them where I can! A bit belated but I have been too busy this whole year. Writing cards and wrapping presents now. Have to put up a disclaimer for this Christmas, cards for the cell group and for the youth leaders! And presents only for the mentees and camp worship leaders hahaha. Cell group presents already given out. I'm running out of time to write cards, and I firmly believe that each card should come with an essay, so it's gonna take some time. Hahaha okay that's all back to work!

I'm back to work! A week-long break in army kinda distanced me from everything, but it was great meeting up with the old friends again. Yesterday I went shopping for stuff I will need for the youth camp! Haha so exciting to be buying shampoo and toothpaste and whatever else. Usually I would do this extremely last minute, and most of the times I would have them already at home, but my stay in army camp kinda depleted all these toiletries so I had to buy. Excited!! I can't wait for it, the worship leaders have been very active in my absence, but I have not even printed out their chordsheets to practice yet! Shall do it tonight, which means it will probably get to a very late hour.

I am staring at the amount of Christmas cards I have to write, and I need to do a lot of things for a lot of things. I wish I have a personal assistant for this haha.

And off to Lynn and Min Jie's wedding in a bit!

It seems like the past few days were jam packed with activities. It was like one after the other, meetings and practices and services and meeting up with people or going out with some of the cell members, then at night rushing home to complete everything that needs to be done. I've always believed in the wonders of technology, for all of it's simple and cheap/free interfaces for all forms of communication! So it was emails and SMS and MSN galore, tonnes of things to do. I actually meant to finish writing my Christmas cards, but I have not even started on any one thus far.

Andrea sent a rather thought-provoking message today, because she was deluded in her Pluto-world. But she said something to the effect of when you get into space and you float by all the giant planets and stars, it's only then you realise how small you really are. It kinda brought me back to earth, because sometimes due to pride or whatever, it is just so easy to ignore the smallness of myself. I can slog my guts out with all the stuff to do, but if I'm not mindful of the larger schemes then I'm missing the point.My early new year resolution is to be a better cell leader and better worship leader.

Okay, off to bed, I'm away for a week at ICT, army, camp, training, reservist, whatever you call it. This is both welcomed and unwelcomed, because it forces me to take a breather from whatever I'm involved in, but at the same time this is an extremely wrong timing for me to be away. But oh well, nothing to be undone.

Was doing Christmas kettling and hanging out with Jeremy Hee Jeremy Kwan Jing Yang and Andrea yesterday in town! This year's kettling at AMK Hub is dissolved, we went to Centrepoint to help with Gracehaven's slots instead. But what's more remarkable is, the company that I did kettling with, they're people from my cell whom I seldom contact outside of the weekend! I think it's cos they're guys, and I always think it's harder to SMS or MSN them casually hahaha. The girls are more chatty hahaha. Anyway, we had a four hour break where we went to play shooting games hahaha kudos to Andrea for joining us. And it was a good time catching up with them, I should do this more often!

And Christmas is coming, which means I'm spending tonnes of money on presents and gifts and cards. Easily spent like half a thousand this week alone, and I don't dare to look at my bank account balance! Okay some of it will be claimed, but Decembers are money-drainers haha. I think showing appreciation is very important, and the end-of-years always gives a nice reason to wrap things conclusively.

Alright, I skipped today's kettling and let them go do themselves instead, but going to meet them later. Now to get some work done!

3am now, and I'm not asleep because I'm thinking about my cell group. Hahaha lookie I'm so dedicated! But yeah, there is a reason why they are keeping me up. It's coming to two years and a half since I first took the Sec 1 cell, and it didn't seem not too long ago? Back then it was only just Sam and Celine; I now have over ten people in the cry room at any one Friday. I reckon if I were to sit down and count every single one of those Sec 1 to 3s that I've met in my term as their cell leader, including those that used to join us but have since moved on, including their friends of their friends, I'd have easily chalked up FIFTY new people whom I've had the awesome privilege to meet over these years. I make every effort to invite them over on Fridays, most of them came over once, and sometimes I try to think how my cell group would be like now with fifty instead of the fifteen now, had I been totally successful in trying to retain all the Sec 1 to 3s in my church and in my cell. Hahaha they say numerical growth is one of the indications that you're doing something right and you're adding believers into your meeting. I'd sure love to do that, I mean, it should be every church leader's desire for more believers right? But just imagine, fifty!! I speak spake spoke to all of them before! If I were half as enthusiastic I would have twenty-five now. I really really can go form my own youth group hahaha.

Numbers aside, it's with some form of nostalgia and regret that we're moving into new territories for next year. There will be new additions, because this year's Pri 6s are moving up, and already I've met some of them. Kinda letting go of three-quarters of my sheep now and giving them graduation rights! And it is when we let go, that all the last-minute regrets come sinking in. Like, I wished that I had done more for this person, why does it feel like I don't know him/her at all, why didn't I did this at that time, why hadn't I done this till now, etc etc. All of a sudden I feel like no no no I don't want to let go yet, God please give me an extension of my holidays and give me six more months with them! I feel like I haven't done enough, feel like I could have been a better cell leader, feel like I didn't accomplish much, feel like they're growing up faster than I could catch up.

Of course there are times when they irritate me to death, or when there's just this idiosyncratic thing for their maturity which refuses to bow over, or whatever you associate with younger ages. That's not to say they're entirely childish and immature, because they probably don't know how much of an encouragement they are to me, for every single "right" and "correct" thing that they do. The best part is sharing in their joys when they passed exams or win some competition which you've been praying for them for. Have to let them clambour over my head shouting that I'm old and expired and naggy, but also have to try and get into their world to influence them and shape their attitudes if I can.

It's been quite an exhilirating journey. I don't really want to put it down just yet. But the year's ending and I should make use of the remaining time I have, and learn from the has-beens. Looking forward to next year!

One thing which I never got around to sharing, was that several eventful things happened on Gracehaven night last Sunday! First prominent and promising thing was Tim's first worship leading, and with nice bass playing to boot too. And second were the testimonies and affirmations and thanksgivings by some of the people there. Got to catch up with old/new friends cos it was one huge gathering. And last thing was, the youth that I prayed for during appeal accepted Christ! It kinda just felt right to ask him about his salvation after praying for him, so the second prayer involved him reciting my garbled sinner's prayer! WHOO HOOOO it is a good feeling.

And was at a SNYO concert last night at Esplanade. Made me feel like picking up cello and double bass. I'm kinda just doing stuff that I haven't had the time to do when I was busy studying. Of course top of the list is sleep! Elsewhere, I'm getting down to guitar shops to snoop around, changing guitar strings, etc. Shall do my own guitar tomorrow.