Not too long ago I really was very tempted to get a Gibson SJ-200, but it retailed like $8000 plus plus at Swee Lee and there was no way I could convince myself spending that much on a guitar. Recently I found out I could get it at $4000 odd if I go to other guitar retailers overseas, but still what a significant amount of money! But look at the beauty. And now I'm looking at the Shure Super 55 because it looks so retro and fun! And coincidentally Elvis Presley uses both of them, guitar and mic! The Super 55 is way more affordable, should I should I should I?? Frivolous buy, but awesome looks!

I think I actually prefer it when lecturers give page limits instead of word limits for their assignments! So far, all the written essay assignments that I've had to do all included a pre-stipulated maximum number of words. And that sort of became my criterion for judgements on what is required of that essay? Hahaha for 1000 odd words I don't need to put in that much effort for originality, because the number of words just do not allow for a lot of personal interactions; and for 5000 words I need to borrow a truckload of books because I need to show that I read a lot for the essay and I am capable of personal thought and blah blah.

But this semester I have, for the first time in my life, page limits instead of word limits! I have no absolute way of gauging how much I have to put in for four pages, with a 1.25 inch margin all around, 12 font with double spacing. But I realised that it actually allowed my thought processes to flow better than all the previous essays I've ever put my guts into. After I'm done with all the margins and spacing and whatever requirements, I just type and type in some stream of consciousness that is surprisingly coherent. Maybe it's because I don't have to keep running the word count function, and maybe because with a word limit then I would go "I'm halfway through a thousand words", and I would be aiming to cut down my number of words, because I almost always exceed the word limit.

But with page limits, filling the pages with words seems more logical and more proper, if it is even considered proper. Haha alright, back to the essay, it's flying and taking form quicker than I imagined it to be.

Here's a small unknown fact that will probably just go unnoticed in church as time goes by. About close to four months, I told the Sunday worship leaders over a meeting that I wanted to take a break from Sunday service worship for the next two years or so. Mainly for reasons to focus more on cell group and co-leaders. It was quite a tough decision to make, but at the same time it did not take too long for me to come to that conclusion either. Tough decision, because I have really enjoyed being a part of the music that happens on Sunday services, and I've been in a wonderful team that helped to sharpen me spiritually and musically. And relatively fast decision, because I think at the start of this year I really wanted to be more focused and I felt that cell group with the addition of two new co-leaders had to take priority.

A couple of years back I did a similar stepping down from Friday youth service worship team, at that probably because I really couldn't take my increasingly hectic worship schedules. Hahaha I remember those back-to-backs when it seems like there's never-ending songs for me to plan, sing, practice or play. No sooner had I finished one service, I have to go back and plan for the next two. Haven't had crazy periods like those since then, and more so even now. I used to think that my involvements in the worship ministry was kinda superfluous to everything else that I'm doing in church, that it was not one of my main core ministries, that if I ever wanted to offload then worship would be the first. But I think God kinda winged that back at me and helped to affirm and anoint whatever that I've been doing with my singing or my guitar playing.

Worship still continues with or without being on stage, and I thank God for all of the experiences and talents and blessings and rewards all these years. Eh nope, guitar won't be rusty too, I've just got the latest Gracehaven worship schedule, and Min Jie just asked if I can do Good Friday's service.

There's this German confectionery brand called Ritter Sport, you should have heard of them chocolate bars, I think they are relatively common in Singapore. They have quite a few varieties like dark chocolate or milk chocolate with hazelnuts or with almonds or something. And in my opinion, the best thing about Ritter Sport is that each variety comes with its own special colour! Call it my cheap thrills or whatever, but I really enjoy going into some supermarket and seeing green and red and white and blue in neat rows on the display shelves, and knowing that I can pick any one of those colours (or variety) should I ever feel like having a Ritter Sport chocolate snack.

But for all the colours and types at my choice disposal, I almost always fall back on the one with the yellow packaging which says 'Cornflakes' on it. Hahaha I like choices and I like being able to deliberate on my chocolate decisions. For most parts of it, that is a good thing to me, except that my final purchase would almost invariably be dear old 'Cornflakes', reason being it's my favourite among all the choices! And actually that's a slight misnomer, I can't really put claim to it being my favourite, because I don't exactly remember trying the other varieties at all! Once upon a long time ago I tried 'Cornflakes' and I liked it so much that it became my default purchase among the smorgasbord.

Okay this post makes me sound a bit air-headed, but everytime I look at all those choices on the shelves I tell myself one day I shall try this and another day I shall try that, but the impulse of the moment is always to reach for the one that I'm most familiar with. Kinda like never ever stepping out of my comfort zone right? Hahaha and here's the twist in a really dark sense of humour, cos on Valentine's Day I received two Ritter Sport chocolate bars, in any other colour but yellow! One of them is 'Raisins and Hazelnut', another is 'Dark whole hazelnuts'. It's cruel because I don't really like my chocolates to have nuts and raisins and fruit bits! The two of them are currently residing in my fridge and earning my deepest suspicion, because I seriously doubt if they are anywhere as good as 'Cornflakes'. But then again if I didn't receive them as presents, I probably would never get around to trying these varieties ever.

In the purest of all honesty, I was very tempted to give them away for the next friend who celebrates a birthday hahahaha. But no. I will try them and eat them.

A oompletely non-related and slightly random observation, but I'm completely enthralled whenever I see a keyboardist/pianist using a Nord Keyboard, from the Swedish company Clavia! I can't remember when I first noticed someone using the keyboard, but you really can't miss it because I think most of their keyboards are an electrifying red, and it's really difficult for me not to like it for its colour. They've got several models I don't really know how to determine if a particular keyboard is good or not because I'm not adept with a piano. But I used to think that when it came to analogue or digital keyboard sounds or synthesizer or padded sounds, I thought the ones to beat are the Yamaha Motif series and the Korg M3s and even the Rolands.

Again, I have to emphasize that I know next to nothing according to keyboards! Ask me about guitars and I might hold a better conversation on that topic. But I like it because it's visually stunning (RED!) and makes a bold statement. When we were up in Stockholm last year, I think one of the keyboardist was using one. Think the keyboardist at Taylor Swift concert was using one too. It sounds kinda shallow to just like a gear because of its appearance, but I would be pretty sure the keyboards could hold well the layering and the holds and whathaveyou, was never a keyboardist/pianist, and probably won't be in the near future. But if I'm one, I'll be soooo tempted to fetch one for a princely sum.

Just back from Taylor Swift's concert, I'm not a terribly crazy fan of her but I like her music, and was mostly there because Joanna couldn't find other people to go with to the concert! Joanna was like my personal DJ, she hollers to me the name of every song that they're playing. Don't get me wrong I've listened to Taylor Swift's songs before, and to "prepare" for this concert I listened to the new album a few times, but I just don't put the corresponding titles to the familiar music/lyrics, hence Joanna kept "how could you not know what song she's singing!" But it was a great show, I really love the way she flashes her mega-watt smile! Happiness came from great music, awesome guitars, nice animated displays... And more than anything now I'm inspired now that ukulele can be a stage concert instrument.

I suppose this post will be quite personal, but it's been something that has been on my mind quite a fair bit and it never really showed signs of abating completely. Something triggered the entire "family church" thingy that I took great lengths to resolve in the past two years. After service yesterday, Vivian suddenly decided that she wanted to draw a family tree of our church youths because she was enlightened by a lot of familial relations suddenly made known to her! Most parts of it went like "are you sure they are siblings" and "didn't know they are cousins", and she had to put all the relationships down on paper to make sense of it all! So she grouped immediate family members together, drew curly lines for cousins, linked all those who were in love... etc. Then the trouble came when we had to fit certain individuals who comes to church regularly, but their parents or their siblings do not attend any of our services. In the end we circumvented the problem by drawing isolated smiley faces for each of these people.

People like me.

I should clarify a bit that my parents used to attend church, way back in the 1990s when I first started attending Sunday School. My sister was with me all the way till her mid-secondary school age or so. But yep they stopped coming sometime somewhere. And the questions I tend to get a lot in church is, why did they stop coming, or what happened, or are they still attending some other church? I know it's pure concern more than anything, but I recall growing up in church in my teenage years, that everytime someone asked me those questions, I wished they would ask more about me who is the one attending church, rather than about my family who doesn't attend church. Of course that was my attention-seeking and young self muddling my way about my first forays into church ministry. A few years later I'm not the most wisest, but I think back and I see the difference in my thought processes.

I used to be quite envious when people share about how their families pray together at home, or how they've got cousins and aunts and uncles worshipping in the same church and they see each other every week. Then there were families who go to church together on Sundays and maybe two or three of these would be closer families and their children will grow up from young playmates. And the clincher was festive occasions like Christmas or Chinese New Year, where different families would visit one another or gather at a common place and all seems merry and dandy. Sure, this sounds slightly idealistic, but when my parents aren't that close to anyone in church and when my sister doesn't come, it sure feels like I'm all alone every Sunday and every Christmas and every CNY. My family is awesome and I love them very much, but there are times when I really wish we were all going to church together every week.

Okay this is not all negative, that is not to imply that I did not meet great mentors and friends who took me in easily and looked out for me like we were somehow related. I'm grateful to all of them who prayed for me constantly, or they were people I could cry to asking for help, or they gave invitations so readily that it sometimes made me feel almost embarrassed to accept it. I know church is the family of believers, but bottom line is I still feel like I stick out like a sore thumb when almost everyone has parents or siblings somewhere in church to call their biological family.

Enough rambling, I've tried to bring in my personal experiences into my cell group ministry, showing more interest in their lives and giving them more time outside of church. And even more so whenever I go to Gracehaven because I am constantly reminded of the need for reaching out and acceptance and social justice. And I've realised that if a person like me, after more than a decade and a half in church and I still feel left out, what more for newcomers into church. Need to show love, and till then I'm still a separate smiley face in Vivian's tree, but if not for my church family of believers I wouldn't be where I am today too.

It's Chinese New Year, and have been visiting quite a fair bit in the past three days. For most of the years my grandma's place (dad's side) is usually the only place my family visits on the second day. And even at that, lunch is just seven of us squeezed into a small table, perfunctory and almost methodical, which is also why I think my grandma's cooking pretty much defines most of my CNYs every year. There were more houses visited this year, and if I have to be specific in my lingo, the "more houses" would belong to friends, whereas my grandma's place are the relatives.

Somehow it seemed as if my time freed up a lot. I haven't really done much since the start of this year. In the past few years it felt like I was constantly running back-to-back races; no sooner had I just finished one, and I have half a sight on the next finishing line. But the first month of this year creeped by without much significant events, and I'm rested for the better. A lot more free time to take it a leisure's pace.

I need to catch up on my extremely delayed readings.