I'm five hours into the last day of 2010, and I generally think that my thought processes flow best after midnight if I want to write something. I mean, look at the assignments which I have to do for school! The bulk of almost every essay's content that I did for this year was written when everyone in my house is asleep and snoring. So I kinda figured that now's a good time for me to write my traditional reflection post on the year that is passing, in the light that the newer year is coming. I have a strange suspicion that I missed the last two years' worth of reflections, because I've either been too busy or I just wasn't as bothered to sit down in front of the computer. But tonight, the stars are in the right alignment, I've found the right position in my seat, the keys tapping away on my laptop make for nice accompanying sounds this late into the night... So a long blog post to toast a great year!

I think the biggest highlights of this year were the extensive mileages that I've clocked for my passport and for myself! It was the first time I've been to so many countries and cities in a single year. Was in Bangladesh getting all flustered to meet my World Vision adopted child for three years, and battling heavy rain in the Sundarban mangroves. The new friends I met on the trip were some of those who taught me the greatest lessons in life, although I have not been so faithful to attend the gatherings after the trip because of worship leading at Gracehaven! Both times! Was also in Europe getting to Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, Stockholm, and a 5-hour transit in Brussels cos of train delays, getting to all the must-gos and must-sees and must-dos, which included streets, cathedrals, monuments, buildings, blah blah. Great company from David and Yurong! And spectacular Salvation Army youth conference in Stockholm which pretty much justified my initial doubts. I don't really travel a lot unless there's a utilitarian function to it, and holidays with family are once in a blue moon. But now I think I really do need that kind of break to be totally away from everything and to just soak! Okay where shall I go in 2011 for personal holiday?

Without a doubt, I have to say something about my cell group again. I can stamp my foot down to say that they are some of the best people I've met in my life thus far, and it's my awesome privilege to be a part of their lives for this year (and for some of them, almost three years!). There's a previous post dedicated for them already, but I still want to emphasize the impact they have on my life and my ministry, because I really was this close to leaving everything this year, but commitment to them comes almost above everything else that I do in church, and there's no way I can leave them floundering. Blessed beyond words for all the lives that I've met, and nope, fifty new friends in those three years is not a misnomer. They just keep bringing their friends and new people just keep coming and I keep having to learn new names and be involved with new things for each person's life. Last cell group outing two days ago had 16 people cycling or blading, without full attendance! It's quite a joy watching them grow in faith, grow in maturity, grow in size/height/weight over the years, and the silly things they do or the weird hairstyles they had when they were younger. Okay I was once like them too haha. A huge thanks to them for all the fun and laughter and meaning and purpose and lessons learnt. And a very special mention to Jolene for doing all the things that I didn't do, for being the cheerleader, supporter, counsellor, mother, teacher, scold-and-scolder... Haven't spent as much time and effort with you as I would like to, but I assure you you're doing a great job, it's an absolute delight all these years and you're still important in my life!

And there's the other major role that I do at church, which put simply requires me to go onstage to sing and play guitar at the same time. Except that I often forget it's as much a leadership position that requires me to also draw people to the mercy seat, to connect people with God, to turn eyes to Jesus. I didn't lead worship as frequently as I used to do this year compared to in previous years, but still there was a very marked change in my perspectives and style and musicianship. Mind-blowing at the territorial youth camp which was just hours and hours of praising and worshipping, and in part also to very good mentors and advisors that I've met this year, and also in part to the huge amounts of time that I used to devote to doing chordsheets!! Hahaha what an unlikely source, but in the past I used to twiddle with the keys of a song a lot, and I would transpose songs into different keys for hours on end just to try, which was also when I wasn't a very good guitarist. Then all those efforts paid off now when I can look at a chordsheet, decide that I want to do capo 7, then right on the spot transpose and surprise myself by getting 80% of the chords right. The other 20% is a murk. At the start of the year I felt like God was getting me to mentor people in this area as well, and I thought okay well one or two will be cool, I can mess up their lives a bit hahaha, but they came in droves and there's five of them now that probably show far more potential than what I can teach them with. Corps youth camp worship deserves their credit, I didn't do much at all.

I usually don't have anything good to say for school, but sometimes being a Geography major gets you somewhere in life, because I learn about so much social things and quite a bit of current affairs and other heady ideological stuff, that it helps me to pretend I'm smart at some things. But yeah, I'm probably one of those students who study just enough and skip the additional readings, get decent and respectable grades and whoohoo. Either I'm really smart and brilliant for this year, or I just happened to study the correct things right before exams. In any case, I want to be a better student next year! I'm getting like mostly B+s for everything, but I shall resolve to do better than that because I know I have the time and the discipline to study more if I just managed my time better.

More time for other things.

And that basically sums up my entire year... With a bit of what I want to do next year. I think top priority goes to the new cell group, the new mentees that are coming under my charge, to worship leading and where it will take me. Family's right there near the top too! Okay it's time for bed, it's been a blessed year.

Cell group outing yesterday! Kinda envisioned it as a conclusion to this year, and before they all disappear to other cells. Hence it was a lot of pregnant, poignant moments that made me treasure each of them for the person they are.

We were at East Coast Park cycling or roller-blading the whole afternoon, then Parkway for dinner, before we all decided to go Andrea's house, with the werewolf game and with lots of chili and black pepper crabs!

Okay cell group, great times being your leader.

The Christmas weekend was a good respite from everything. It kinda felt like I hadn't got a proper holiday yet! Since my last exam for last semester, everyday went something like wake up, rush for this, rush for that, do this do that. I want a day where I'm just home (and prefably in bed) just lazing and taking things at a snail-leisurely pace to do irrelevant things without any pressure or deadlines. I led worship on Christmas morning, which kinda came hot on the heels after youth camp, so I was quite exhausted of having to prepare for yet another worship set.

Of course, one of the eagerly-anticipated traditions that we do every year, is the after-service gifts and cards exchange! Usually I receive gifts that require me to eat them, but this year I think I've got a slightly more percentage of stuff that I can use/display/read rather than stuff which I have to consume. Hahaha either way, thanks to all those who gave me presents and/or cards for Christmas! I expect the guilt game to continue every year, because I've decided about a few years back that I shall not go down the road of writing cards and giving mass presents to everyone. So this year was just cards to leaders, some presents to certain individuals, and long essays in cards to cell group people! And, managed to hit town a few times this December for the glimmering lights! Which, in past years, have been rather non-existent because of various commitments.

I've got about two or three more weeks before school starts again. I'm looking to read productively, although at the rate that I read, I probably will give up whatever novel I'm embarking on once the school term kicks in.

Back from our corps youth camp! God's been great, it was a lot of fun and a lot of learning. Might have only been 3 days, but I felt that it was long enough to do quite a lot of things! I think half the campers were 15 and below, so that means they fall directly under my cell group or to-be cell groups, and my prayers are answered! Everybody's integrated and mingled and mish-mashed and jumbled up, waaay younger people talking to waaay older people blah blah. It kinda feels weird for me to be a gatecrasher with not much responsibilities, I'm neither an active participant nor am I a full-fledged group leader for camp hahaha! Worship was great, with the very talented team of new leaders on board. They sorted out their own practices and songs and music while I was away at ICT last week, so I had to find something to play on the guitar that didn't clash with them. My guitar capo was my lifesaver for three-quarters of the songs, and a lot a lot a lot of on-the-spot transposing in my head oh my gosh I should go memorize the Nashville system really soon. Or just play everything by ear, which might be slightly faster.

Alright, I'm kinda just rambling, real tired out from insufficient sleep.

My mind goes towards the testimonies and affirmations that Jolene suggested we do during cell group time on Friday night. Last Friday was the last youth service for the year, and poignant because three-quarters of my cell will be "graduating" and moving into older cell groups next year. Think I've mentioned it before, but this is the first time in quite a few years that another cell group of mine is breaking up. So Jolene decided we should give thanks to someone within the cell for whatever influence and impact that helped shape our personal lives. And sitting there listening to each of their sharings, I realise how much I'm going to miss this bunch of people. It didn't seem like it at the start of this year, but I think all of them changed a lot a lot, became wiser and older and more intelligent and more responsible. Small things that didn't seem to matter a lot to me at that time suddenly meant so much more, which is real ironic because once again I underestimate the significance and the weight of what God can do with my brokenness.

Anyway, I'm trying out my last grasps of reaching out to them where I can! A bit belated but I have been too busy this whole year. Writing cards and wrapping presents now. Have to put up a disclaimer for this Christmas, cards for the cell group and for the youth leaders! And presents only for the mentees and camp worship leaders hahaha. Cell group presents already given out. I'm running out of time to write cards, and I firmly believe that each card should come with an essay, so it's gonna take some time. Hahaha okay that's all back to work!

I'm back to work! A week-long break in army kinda distanced me from everything, but it was great meeting up with the old friends again. Yesterday I went shopping for stuff I will need for the youth camp! Haha so exciting to be buying shampoo and toothpaste and whatever else. Usually I would do this extremely last minute, and most of the times I would have them already at home, but my stay in army camp kinda depleted all these toiletries so I had to buy. Excited!! I can't wait for it, the worship leaders have been very active in my absence, but I have not even printed out their chordsheets to practice yet! Shall do it tonight, which means it will probably get to a very late hour.

I am staring at the amount of Christmas cards I have to write, and I need to do a lot of things for a lot of things. I wish I have a personal assistant for this haha.

And off to Lynn and Min Jie's wedding in a bit!

It seems like the past few days were jam packed with activities. It was like one after the other, meetings and practices and services and meeting up with people or going out with some of the cell members, then at night rushing home to complete everything that needs to be done. I've always believed in the wonders of technology, for all of it's simple and cheap/free interfaces for all forms of communication! So it was emails and SMS and MSN galore, tonnes of things to do. I actually meant to finish writing my Christmas cards, but I have not even started on any one thus far.

Andrea sent a rather thought-provoking message today, because she was deluded in her Pluto-world. But she said something to the effect of when you get into space and you float by all the giant planets and stars, it's only then you realise how small you really are. It kinda brought me back to earth, because sometimes due to pride or whatever, it is just so easy to ignore the smallness of myself. I can slog my guts out with all the stuff to do, but if I'm not mindful of the larger schemes then I'm missing the point.My early new year resolution is to be a better cell leader and better worship leader.

Okay, off to bed, I'm away for a week at ICT, army, camp, training, reservist, whatever you call it. This is both welcomed and unwelcomed, because it forces me to take a breather from whatever I'm involved in, but at the same time this is an extremely wrong timing for me to be away. But oh well, nothing to be undone.

Was doing Christmas kettling and hanging out with Jeremy Hee Jeremy Kwan Jing Yang and Andrea yesterday in town! This year's kettling at AMK Hub is dissolved, we went to Centrepoint to help with Gracehaven's slots instead. But what's more remarkable is, the company that I did kettling with, they're people from my cell whom I seldom contact outside of the weekend! I think it's cos they're guys, and I always think it's harder to SMS or MSN them casually hahaha. The girls are more chatty hahaha. Anyway, we had a four hour break where we went to play shooting games hahaha kudos to Andrea for joining us. And it was a good time catching up with them, I should do this more often!

And Christmas is coming, which means I'm spending tonnes of money on presents and gifts and cards. Easily spent like half a thousand this week alone, and I don't dare to look at my bank account balance! Okay some of it will be claimed, but Decembers are money-drainers haha. I think showing appreciation is very important, and the end-of-years always gives a nice reason to wrap things conclusively.

Alright, I skipped today's kettling and let them go do themselves instead, but going to meet them later. Now to get some work done!

3am now, and I'm not asleep because I'm thinking about my cell group. Hahaha lookie I'm so dedicated! But yeah, there is a reason why they are keeping me up. It's coming to two years and a half since I first took the Sec 1 cell, and it didn't seem not too long ago? Back then it was only just Sam and Celine; I now have over ten people in the cry room at any one Friday. I reckon if I were to sit down and count every single one of those Sec 1 to 3s that I've met in my term as their cell leader, including those that used to join us but have since moved on, including their friends of their friends, I'd have easily chalked up FIFTY new people whom I've had the awesome privilege to meet over these years. I make every effort to invite them over on Fridays, most of them came over once, and sometimes I try to think how my cell group would be like now with fifty instead of the fifteen now, had I been totally successful in trying to retain all the Sec 1 to 3s in my church and in my cell. Hahaha they say numerical growth is one of the indications that you're doing something right and you're adding believers into your meeting. I'd sure love to do that, I mean, it should be every church leader's desire for more believers right? But just imagine, fifty!! I speak spake spoke to all of them before! If I were half as enthusiastic I would have twenty-five now. I really really can go form my own youth group hahaha.

Numbers aside, it's with some form of nostalgia and regret that we're moving into new territories for next year. There will be new additions, because this year's Pri 6s are moving up, and already I've met some of them. Kinda letting go of three-quarters of my sheep now and giving them graduation rights! And it is when we let go, that all the last-minute regrets come sinking in. Like, I wished that I had done more for this person, why does it feel like I don't know him/her at all, why didn't I did this at that time, why hadn't I done this till now, etc etc. All of a sudden I feel like no no no I don't want to let go yet, God please give me an extension of my holidays and give me six more months with them! I feel like I haven't done enough, feel like I could have been a better cell leader, feel like I didn't accomplish much, feel like they're growing up faster than I could catch up.

Of course there are times when they irritate me to death, or when there's just this idiosyncratic thing for their maturity which refuses to bow over, or whatever you associate with younger ages. That's not to say they're entirely childish and immature, because they probably don't know how much of an encouragement they are to me, for every single "right" and "correct" thing that they do. The best part is sharing in their joys when they passed exams or win some competition which you've been praying for them for. Have to let them clambour over my head shouting that I'm old and expired and naggy, but also have to try and get into their world to influence them and shape their attitudes if I can.

It's been quite an exhilirating journey. I don't really want to put it down just yet. But the year's ending and I should make use of the remaining time I have, and learn from the has-beens. Looking forward to next year!

One thing which I never got around to sharing, was that several eventful things happened on Gracehaven night last Sunday! First prominent and promising thing was Tim's first worship leading, and with nice bass playing to boot too. And second were the testimonies and affirmations and thanksgivings by some of the people there. Got to catch up with old/new friends cos it was one huge gathering. And last thing was, the youth that I prayed for during appeal accepted Christ! It kinda just felt right to ask him about his salvation after praying for him, so the second prayer involved him reciting my garbled sinner's prayer! WHOO HOOOO it is a good feeling.

And was at a SNYO concert last night at Esplanade. Made me feel like picking up cello and double bass. I'm kinda just doing stuff that I haven't had the time to do when I was busy studying. Of course top of the list is sleep! Elsewhere, I'm getting down to guitar shops to snoop around, changing guitar strings, etc. Shall do my own guitar tomorrow.