Exams have begun and I'm currently striving to find meaning to continue studying! I've had two papers already, they were quite manageable. But now it's like a mid-life crisis because I've got totally no motivations to study for population geog at all. Just stuck in that quandary.

The only reason why I'm online now is to check my email. I've got quite a lot of backlog to clear.

Time to sleep.

Was at Colonel Keith Burridge's wake service last night at William Booth Corps. It was quite shocking to hear the news on Monday morning, and even more saddening when he's going to retire in another month or so? Nothing but insightful respect for him and his ministry, and I remember the closest I've ever came with contact with him was the two of us alone in his sprawling office and recording a video interview.

And, amidst the things which I deem a bigger fish to fry, I'm trying to speed up my tourism lecturer's webcast lectures and speed reading through the salient points of my unread readings.

I have to learn to accept the brevity of human existence. Come and go. Coming and going. Came and gone.

Nothing eventful in my life unless you take account of all my attempts to break my Bejeweled high-score. It's a rigged game! Luck and chance only, I'm just playing for leisure's sake and hoping for a chance when everything falls in place nicely for me. If not, I'm trying to put some semblance of discipline in my life? I started April with the intention of regular exercise and quiet time and studying every week, but it's degenerating each day and I'm trying to rein my life back into structure. I just want to sleep everyday la.

My sister threw away my secondary school geog notes! There used to be a chunk of my notes in the cabinet, then last week she was tidying it and I thought she was just doing up her own stuff. Little did I know, she actually invaded my section and replaced my pile of notes with her textbooks and files! I was so mortified, and she had to throw away my geog stuff which I need! If she threw away the sciences rubbish I wouldn't have made a fuss, but it's precisely why I needed those notes that's why I'm even rummaging through the stack.

And, I lost two of my best/favourite/familiar guitar picks this morning. Dropped it on the bus, it was crowded, and I have laptop books bottle in my hands so I was just lazy to bend down to pick it up. I sort of pretended like it wasn't mine and I weren't the one who dropped it hahaha. But the entire bus ride I was wincing at all the senseless students who stepped and kicked and shuffled it as they were boarding the bus. Where are their eyes!!! It's kinda a helpless feeling, the red and orange picks were just there but I refuse to let down my pride to pick them up. Oh well I'm to blame for my lack of alacrity. Guitar picks are the cheapest of all guitar accessories I think, but I really don't losing them! And I did absolutely nothing to recover them today. =(

I will never ever skip any more webcast lectures for the rest of my undergrad life in NUS. The tendency as always is to use the excuse that "it's webcasted and recorded" to replace the need to physically go for the lecture. But I am like a few weeks behind the course outlines and I'm just speeding it through to get the main gist of what the lecturer is blabbering. No more no more, I will go for every lecture even if it's recorded next time.

This is kinda overdue, but essays and presentations are all over! No more stress to research and source for information, or trying to match up to your group members' stellar contributions, or fretting over too little/much words, or brain blocks during presentations. I've learnt something new about myself, I cannot present effectively under a time limit. My mind just goes blank. You need to give me all the time in the world so that I can be as naggy and loquacious as I want to be. Then nobody would want to hear me =(

Recently I keep encountering the word "fix" everywhere I turn. Things like everything's in a fix, or fix this or that, or fix a date, my coffee fix, fixities of life, blah blah. And I think I'm sort of getting the sense that I'm not meant to be the fixer, if there's such a word? I keep getting whispers that I just have to do my part to the best of my abilities, and leave the rest to God. It's not exactly new to me either, but recent times is just full of that. Sigh. I can't grapple with this quandary as of now, because I like to do do do and I'm suddenly surprised by the lack of things I have to do do do. Just like me and Bejeweled. I'm not good at the game at all. Pah, it's all luck and depends on whether they want to give me the multiplier gems or not! But I don't believe I cannot do it!! Stupid. I want to fix it, but it's seemingly not corresponding to my efforts. So many big blasts and kaboom bang crash, but I'm still getting like 30k???

And, my strongest affirmation yet. To be a mirror reflecting God's glory. It's really where everyone is striving to be, isn't it? When it's really not about you, not the human things you do or sing or say, but about that radiance shining through the Godly things that are done or sung or said. Hmm. I have no idea at all, and in any case I wouldn't know at all because I can't see it myself, but I take it as an encouragement.

Exodus 34:29-35

²⁹ When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. ³⁰ When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. ³¹ But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. ³² Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the LORD had given him on Mount Sinai.
 ³³ When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. ³⁴ But whenever he entered the LORD's presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, ³⁵ they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the LORD.

Just wanna give God all the praise and glory for last night's Good Friday combined youth service! Thanking Him first for the cross and what it meant that night, then thanking also for the huge large gigantic phenomenal numbers of people (255 according to Min Jie!) who came, and wanna thank God for the close to ten people who gave themselves to Christ. And for the skit and worship and message to go so smoothly. I was like oh nooo so many people and I was all ready to clam up. But the strength and the grace shone through, it was good. =)

And, after all that died down, I sort of just sat back and reflected at my own life. I think I would have given away my guitar just to be part of the congregation praising? Then again, there's a certain joy and a spiritual gain when something grand like this happen, and you know that God's using you to bless others too. That's the level where I wanna reach, when it's really beyond my gifts and talents, so I'm worshipping in my own way but at the same time I'm helping others to worship also? Hmm. It's the duality thing that I always struggle to meet.

I don't know when will be the next time I'm onstage singing again. That was my answer to at least three different people yesterday. Life is being a little bit messy now =(

But for now, it's trying to rush my tourism essay, with totally no motivation to do it at all. The criteria says 1500 to 2000 words, and my current word count is 900 odd. I'm like all ready to stop at 1500 once I'm there. The previous King Lear essay is completed! I just need to edit it to make it sound more professional. Oh well. I'm tired.