Mid-week, with a couple of free days, and it's been quite crazy so far. But happier.

I have four and a half webcasts to watch, 2 weeks of readings to catch up for two of my modules, and my readings for my tourism module is completely untouched. I think that will take some time to plough through. But I am up-to-date with all my assignments; my next slew of deadlines are only in the second half of March. I'm planning to start by next week, so I figured I'll be in good shape by then. And this is a big improvement from last semester, when at this same juncture into the term, I haven't even printed 20% of my readings yet. I will catch up over this weekend and I shall be on top of things. It's only week 6, I still can bring some semblance of studying consistently into my "routine" student life.

I realised it's not that I haven't been checking my emails regularly in the past two weeks, but more of I have not been replying much of them. A lot of it were read, but they weren't answered. I kept them so that I can reply another time. So today I got down to business and tried to clear the backlog, but I gave up at the 4th or 5th. Oh well.

And I realised why my guitar kept going out of tune. The machine head which usually strings G, the screw chipped the wood abit, so it's kinda loose. Then the tuning peg is jiggly too. Which adds up to a really stiff turn once it is in tension. Hahaha I considered bringing it for a small repair today, to fix all the other niggly problems too, but okay la I think I can live with all these small defects for now. I now own nothing valuable which hasn't been chipped or scratched or damaged at least once before, which is really good because I won't get so attached to them anymore.

Was at Janice and Roxanne's match today, and this is the first time that they've lost while I was there supporting. So far all the matches and friendlies I've went, they've won or at least tied the game. I now understand better how God must have felt when I've been out there, fighting on my own strength and putting him on the sidelines, when all he really wanted for me was to go to him and just dwell in his strength. Love's a really strange thing.

The first two days of this week has been kinda exhausting, cos of emotional turmoil and long hours in school yesterday and insufficient sleep and too much upheaval. Glad for the times when there are small breaks in between to take a breather. And not to mention the God-sent people who made a difference in their perspectives and concern and prayers. Okay I shall keep praying too.

Hmm. I've got a list of to-do things, but the list has remained largely untouched and I'm making very little progress. I'm either procrastinating, or there's really no time to do it on that day, or I tried to use my lousy mood as a justification to not do them, or I escape from them by going to do something else. Okay no more, shall be disciplined and get them done. Enough is enough.

And, my guitar suffered the biggest mishap today since I bought it. The guitar strap came loose from the bolt,  my hands were completely busy with something else, so it went crash bang kaboom. There's now some small  stress cracks, some of the machine heads are too stiff or too loose, a bit of the finish is worn, and generally it's not holding tune very well. I am sad. Hahaha. Okay la there were already several small dents and knocks and quite a lot of glue stains prior to The Big Fall. But still very haizzzzzz. Never mind, once again it taught me not to place my faith in inanimate objects, nor would they last forever, and I'll probably not care so much about the next few knocks. And maybe a new Taylor or Gibson too? =P

I'm kinda delaying what needs to be done, but I really don't know how to go about doing it. And my grand plans of studying during recess week is now in shambles because I just realised it's Wednesday now and I haven't done much all week. And don't look like I'm going to be doing much in the next few days too.

You know, it does gives me some kind of semblance to still hold on, but I really really think that I've dropped off the bandwagon. It's okay, the world can move on and I'll just take my time to be still for a while. Thanks thanks thanks again to all those who showed their concern, it really helps.

I think that deep down inside, there's always that sense of uncertainty and insecurity that refuses to go away. It's kinda inherent; no matter how successful you may be, once in a while everyone is made to feel worthless and unimportant. That's where we find our worth in God? And I think there's really no reason trying to compare who's in a more dire state than you are. One man's meat is another's poison. What I find innocuous to me may be someone else's envy. I can be nonchalent about something which I've already taken for granted, but it is an indication of fortunate circumstances to someone less blessed than me.

I know I'm not really helping myself, but it's just that streak of pride as always. Thank God for the people that came my way, and for you too. I always like to think that God is as ordered as He always is. Structured, stratified, systematic. Once in a while He allows for miracles, but He's still the same. "If design govern in a thing so small".

Chinese New Year's been pretty quiet these few years, largely cos my dad has been working these few days. And this year's especially crucial because the Sentosa resort's opening was on the first day. But okay la was at my grandma's place this afternoon. If not I've been watching more TV than I've ever been in the past two years combined?

Hmm. Happy for one thing. But what's next?

4:42am, and I finally finished a 1000-word population geography essay which I have succeeded in delaying until two days before the deadline. Extremely last minute, but I think I did a good job. And this included huge periods of time wasted and teaching tuition and watching a netball match.

I want to faster go heaven. Tired of earth.

There are times in my life when it's a very clear choice between taking it up or leaving it. Certain things can be as clear-cut as they can be, with very little deliberating. And for the majority of the times that I'm able to make a immediate decision on the move, it has usually to do with my strong convictions (or distinct lack of) in the belief of something. Makes sense right? I believe blah blah is right, so I think I will do blah blah.

I like to remain in the opinion that I still am the same person with the same passions and convictions as I had half a year ago. Or put it even more recently, 3 months ago. Now, I just feel like I've backed away from a lot of what I said I will do but didn't, and what I will not do but now I think I might.

Faltered and believed and wavered and trusted and bruised and healed and torn and mended. What a cyclical, never-ending journey. It's really really time for a change.