I just saved my fish's life. Hahaha. I've got about 7 or 8 goldfishes or dunno what kind of orange/red fish, don't really know the type. And the biggest fish in the aquarium (and also the meanest bully) somehow ended up on the floor in front of the aquarium. I didn't even know it fell out! All I heard was occasional flapping sounds for about 10 minutes, before I checked it out and saw the fish. So I got it into the net and put it back in the aquarium tank. Hahaha I don't like that fish! It always fights for all the food and chases all the other fishes around, by virtue of its size. But now it's hiding in the big barrel thing in the aquarium and being totally sullen and mild-mannered.

Quite an experience isn't it. Haha most of the time my dad's the one who takes care of them. But I guess that's all how we feel sometimes? I think countless times I've felt like a fish out of water, and needed that extra help to get me back into the aquarium. Think I'm getting very disillusioned and cranky with a lot of things. Fish out of water. I need my comfortable ambient surrounding.

Undignified 2010 at Grace Methodist Church last night was good. Kinda makes me wonder what if we have their amount of resources and capacity to be like that. And I tried to bring that into my playing today. Imagining the Lord's face through my offering of music.

Kinda left the Youth Alpha book on my desk and forgot totally about it. But at closing to 3am now, I've got the lesson fleshed out and I'm ready to go. The guilty thought that's bugging me is that it wouldn't be as prepared as I would like it to be.

I feel like getting new guitars and new gear! I want to buy different guitar pedals to form a pedalboard because I think the idea of having many colourful objects in shapes and sizes is a very cool thing. Hahaha I'm pretty sure I need a better reason to justify the frivolous want of colourful things. But yeah my current guitar and stuffs are pretty sufficient for acoustic rhythms. And unless I really really really go head-on into guitaring seriously, I think it'll just end up a waste of money.

I've been mightily dissatisfied with a lot of things, and I think I've been riled up more times than I could remember. Really really don't like this unpleasant feeling, and my resolve from the previous big bust-up has been to be as clear-headed as possible. But each time, it always seems like it's not likely to happen. And when I try to be zen, it tends to be aiya forget it we don't have the capacity or resource or commitment. Seriously. Where am I heading on this?

The only reprieve that I get, comes from positive characters, changing attitudes and faith-growing love from my cell members. They really do keep me going.

Time now is 2am and I've got a lecture at 8am, and I've gotta be up by 6am latest to get ready and to beat the morning traffic. It hasn't really hit me yet, but I seriously think this semester will get to be very urghh, because of all the times that I'll be caught in the busy traffic periods! Getting to school or going home can take 45 minutes if the buses are in favour, but that time is vehemently doubled when I least want it to.

And I'm supposed to have been asleep much earlier! But I'm been bumming the whole day and getting more sleep than I really need. Hahaha. I'm trying to reason it off, but this cannot happen for the rest of the weeks! Think I'll just die trying to stay awake in my lectures. I need someone who can be very peremptory about this, like "go sleep means go sleep, no more dilly-dallying". My mum gave up trying already, and yup she's been very good at being mumsy these few days, because I'm getting a lot of flak for returning home late or not helping with chores (which I really really forgot). But okay laa, today I'm the best boy in the world hahaha I stayed home the whole day and I did everything without her asking.

My readings for this semester are 70% printed, but yet to start reading any yet. It's bad because it's the end of the second week, which means I'm two weeks behind schedule for everything. But okay la, I will make it up. Last sem I was four weeks behind hahaha. Spent close to a hundred on all my textbooks and notes and what all. But it's offsetted slightly some old books that I managed to sell.

What if something I want to do clearly violates my own personal beliefs, but I still feel like I want to try it out? If I really want to eke out a conciliatory explanation, I think it's possible la. But I don't really want to do it, at the same time I feel like being emotions-driven.

And I ssuppose I'm just trying to type as many things as I can, because I don't really want to sleep. Hahahaha. Much as all these are as irrelevant as all these can get. Leading worship this Sunday, and I've yet to think and plan much. Normally it would be done by this time of the week, but I've really got no impetus to start. Guitar's in corps too and I'm too lazy to bring it home. Well I have the ukulele but it doesn't quite cut it right? Hehh.

Okayy. Really time for bed.

I managed to survive my first most unearthly school day for this semester. It was 8am to 6pm, which means that I'm caught in both the morning and evening traffic! Bus travelling time took 3 hours in total. And it was a major achievement for me to be awake at 5.45am this morning! But this was partly due to a massive six hour break in which I ate, slept, met friends, went online, bought books, read notes, walked around aimlessly, and everything that I could do in school.

And I think, today marks the first proper conversation that I've had with a person that I've ignored for the past 5 years.

This semester is slightly crazier, I will have two 8am lectures, which means I will have to wake up at unearthly hours just to fight the morning traffic and be at school on time. And two lectures that end at 6pm too! Which means caught in evening traffic and wasting time on the bus trip home. So, just to survive through this semester, I will need to sleep early every Tues and Thurs night! And I will stay in school till 7 or 8pm on the late days so that I can get some work done.

Back to the books and notes! Aargh how I wish everyday's a holiday.

Played lead guitar for service again today, and I'm just thankful for the triads advice from Meng Ren. I used to just raarrr don't care I will barre chord everything and jang jang jang, but now it's only 3 notes on distortion. Totally not used to the new chord structures, and it's like undoing all my favourite "lazy" chords and picking up guitar all over again! But yep everything went well, and at 4am on Saturday I was still Fire Fall Downing. Nice nice hahaha.

One of my few resolutions for this year is to improve my guitar playing and let it become something automatic. I want to be able to truly connect with God while leading or playing for worship without having to trouble about what's happening on the guitar. Too often I'm like "here we go what chord next oh no oh no it's wrong" and then I miss the whole element of trying to worship myself, because I'm so concerned about that instrument distraction. Easier for me to just lead without playing la hahaha, but I think playing-singing is a worthy skill that I can work on.

Amazed at how Hillsong leaders can just plug and go, and they play without scores, and they know exactly what to do for each song and all the correct lyrics and notes and chords. I'm sure it takes hours of practice, and they probably all sleep with metronomes under their pillows just to get that impeccable sense of timing. But yeah, it'll be something that I will work on =)

I headed into the beginning of this week without having any engagements or anything significant planned. Which is really good because I don't really feel like doing anything either, because school is starting again next week. Spent the last 2 days helping Coleman paint his room, together with a lot of other people. Done already, and furniture's back in place.

Attacked by the "haiya sian" feeling again. Sometimes I really wonder if it is all worthwhile sinking my time and energy into it, and consequently falling headlog into that same process and finding that nobody really appreciates it. But, all for the Lord la. Not the first time I'm being discouraged, and I sort of understand now what goes around comes around too. Sounds especially familiar, I was like that too, weren't I. Haiya. Sian.

And I don't know whether I should stay at home or go out tomorrow!! When I stay at home, my mum tells me to go outside and lookabout and walkaround and get a life. When I go out and stay out till late hours into the night, she says I'm not spending enough time at home. Aarghhhhh.

On a happier note. In the process of bidding for my modules now! I'll be doing three geography, one literature and one more (hopefully) music. Hahaha. Really thankful for that lit module, for the way things fell nicely into place and how it all worked out. I didn't take it last semester because the lecture was on a Monday, which I wanted it free. Silly reason, but it was a great choice because they included King Lear and Great Gatsby this semester! Lear, I've done it for two years in preparation for A's, and I just revisited it last year for my tuition assignment. Gatsby, read it a long long time ago but forgot the story already.

I'm like three or four days into the new year already, and I realised I spent most of those days preparing, practising and/or leading worship! Which means I've got sore fingers from playing too much guitar and I'm constantly thirsty because sing a lot too. But alright la they all went fine, which is really great considering that I was a complete wreck at 5am last night, trying desperately to work out the links and whatnot. This morning's a blast, think it's the first time I've seen such activity in the congregation, it took me quite aback. And, the team's great haha actually they were more or less the same group of people through all four days, cos everyone's on holiday.

And watchnight service with stayover was quite eventful too! Managed to last through the night with captain's ball and hide and seek in the auditorium. Silly games but okay la, ECP in the morning, for Bedok Jetty to watch sunrise. The highlight was one of the vans breaking down along the expressway! But all was fine and dandy and fun. My sleeping patterns are very irregular now, I'm alternating between lack of sleep and loads of sleep, so I don't really know which is which, I'm just grateful for sleep.

Okay, I have a week till school term starts again. Bidding for modules now haha.