I'm five hours into the last day of 2010, and I generally think that my thought processes flow best after midnight if I want to write something. I mean, look at the assignments which I have to do for school! The bulk of almost every essay's content that I did for this year was written when everyone in my house is asleep and snoring. So I kinda figured that now's a good time for me to write my traditional reflection post on the year that is passing, in the light that the newer year is coming. I have a strange suspicion that I missed the last two years' worth of reflections, because I've either been too busy or I just wasn't as bothered to sit down in front of the computer. But tonight, the stars are in the right alignment, I've found the right position in my seat, the keys tapping away on my laptop make for nice accompanying sounds this late into the night... So a long blog post to toast a great year!

I think the biggest highlights of this year were the extensive mileages that I've clocked for my passport and for myself! It was the first time I've been to so many countries and cities in a single year. Was in Bangladesh getting all flustered to meet my World Vision adopted child for three years, and battling heavy rain in the Sundarban mangroves. The new friends I met on the trip were some of those who taught me the greatest lessons in life, although I have not been so faithful to attend the gatherings after the trip because of worship leading at Gracehaven! Both times! Was also in Europe getting to Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam, Stockholm, and a 5-hour transit in Brussels cos of train delays, getting to all the must-gos and must-sees and must-dos, which included streets, cathedrals, monuments, buildings, blah blah. Great company from David and Yurong! And spectacular Salvation Army youth conference in Stockholm which pretty much justified my initial doubts. I don't really travel a lot unless there's a utilitarian function to it, and holidays with family are once in a blue moon. But now I think I really do need that kind of break to be totally away from everything and to just soak! Okay where shall I go in 2011 for personal holiday?

Without a doubt, I have to say something about my cell group again. I can stamp my foot down to say that they are some of the best people I've met in my life thus far, and it's my awesome privilege to be a part of their lives for this year (and for some of them, almost three years!). There's a previous post dedicated for them already, but I still want to emphasize the impact they have on my life and my ministry, because I really was this close to leaving everything this year, but commitment to them comes almost above everything else that I do in church, and there's no way I can leave them floundering. Blessed beyond words for all the lives that I've met, and nope, fifty new friends in those three years is not a misnomer. They just keep bringing their friends and new people just keep coming and I keep having to learn new names and be involved with new things for each person's life. Last cell group outing two days ago had 16 people cycling or blading, without full attendance! It's quite a joy watching them grow in faith, grow in maturity, grow in size/height/weight over the years, and the silly things they do or the weird hairstyles they had when they were younger. Okay I was once like them too haha. A huge thanks to them for all the fun and laughter and meaning and purpose and lessons learnt. And a very special mention to Jolene for doing all the things that I didn't do, for being the cheerleader, supporter, counsellor, mother, teacher, scold-and-scolder... Haven't spent as much time and effort with you as I would like to, but I assure you you're doing a great job, it's an absolute delight all these years and you're still important in my life!

And there's the other major role that I do at church, which put simply requires me to go onstage to sing and play guitar at the same time. Except that I often forget it's as much a leadership position that requires me to also draw people to the mercy seat, to connect people with God, to turn eyes to Jesus. I didn't lead worship as frequently as I used to do this year compared to in previous years, but still there was a very marked change in my perspectives and style and musicianship. Mind-blowing at the territorial youth camp which was just hours and hours of praising and worshipping, and in part also to very good mentors and advisors that I've met this year, and also in part to the huge amounts of time that I used to devote to doing chordsheets!! Hahaha what an unlikely source, but in the past I used to twiddle with the keys of a song a lot, and I would transpose songs into different keys for hours on end just to try, which was also when I wasn't a very good guitarist. Then all those efforts paid off now when I can look at a chordsheet, decide that I want to do capo 7, then right on the spot transpose and surprise myself by getting 80% of the chords right. The other 20% is a murk. At the start of the year I felt like God was getting me to mentor people in this area as well, and I thought okay well one or two will be cool, I can mess up their lives a bit hahaha, but they came in droves and there's five of them now that probably show far more potential than what I can teach them with. Corps youth camp worship deserves their credit, I didn't do much at all.

I usually don't have anything good to say for school, but sometimes being a Geography major gets you somewhere in life, because I learn about so much social things and quite a bit of current affairs and other heady ideological stuff, that it helps me to pretend I'm smart at some things. But yeah, I'm probably one of those students who study just enough and skip the additional readings, get decent and respectable grades and whoohoo. Either I'm really smart and brilliant for this year, or I just happened to study the correct things right before exams. In any case, I want to be a better student next year! I'm getting like mostly B+s for everything, but I shall resolve to do better than that because I know I have the time and the discipline to study more if I just managed my time better.

More time for other things.

And that basically sums up my entire year... With a bit of what I want to do next year. I think top priority goes to the new cell group, the new mentees that are coming under my charge, to worship leading and where it will take me. Family's right there near the top too! Okay it's time for bed, it's been a blessed year.

Cell group outing yesterday! Kinda envisioned it as a conclusion to this year, and before they all disappear to other cells. Hence it was a lot of pregnant, poignant moments that made me treasure each of them for the person they are.

We were at East Coast Park cycling or roller-blading the whole afternoon, then Parkway for dinner, before we all decided to go Andrea's house, with the werewolf game and with lots of chili and black pepper crabs!

Okay cell group, great times being your leader.

The Christmas weekend was a good respite from everything. It kinda felt like I hadn't got a proper holiday yet! Since my last exam for last semester, everyday went something like wake up, rush for this, rush for that, do this do that. I want a day where I'm just home (and prefably in bed) just lazing and taking things at a snail-leisurely pace to do irrelevant things without any pressure or deadlines. I led worship on Christmas morning, which kinda came hot on the heels after youth camp, so I was quite exhausted of having to prepare for yet another worship set.

Of course, one of the eagerly-anticipated traditions that we do every year, is the after-service gifts and cards exchange! Usually I receive gifts that require me to eat them, but this year I think I've got a slightly more percentage of stuff that I can use/display/read rather than stuff which I have to consume. Hahaha either way, thanks to all those who gave me presents and/or cards for Christmas! I expect the guilt game to continue every year, because I've decided about a few years back that I shall not go down the road of writing cards and giving mass presents to everyone. So this year was just cards to leaders, some presents to certain individuals, and long essays in cards to cell group people! And, managed to hit town a few times this December for the glimmering lights! Which, in past years, have been rather non-existent because of various commitments.

I've got about two or three more weeks before school starts again. I'm looking to read productively, although at the rate that I read, I probably will give up whatever novel I'm embarking on once the school term kicks in.

Back from our corps youth camp! God's been great, it was a lot of fun and a lot of learning. Might have only been 3 days, but I felt that it was long enough to do quite a lot of things! I think half the campers were 15 and below, so that means they fall directly under my cell group or to-be cell groups, and my prayers are answered! Everybody's integrated and mingled and mish-mashed and jumbled up, waaay younger people talking to waaay older people blah blah. It kinda feels weird for me to be a gatecrasher with not much responsibilities, I'm neither an active participant nor am I a full-fledged group leader for camp hahaha! Worship was great, with the very talented team of new leaders on board. They sorted out their own practices and songs and music while I was away at ICT last week, so I had to find something to play on the guitar that didn't clash with them. My guitar capo was my lifesaver for three-quarters of the songs, and a lot a lot a lot of on-the-spot transposing in my head oh my gosh I should go memorize the Nashville system really soon. Or just play everything by ear, which might be slightly faster.

Alright, I'm kinda just rambling, real tired out from insufficient sleep.

My mind goes towards the testimonies and affirmations that Jolene suggested we do during cell group time on Friday night. Last Friday was the last youth service for the year, and poignant because three-quarters of my cell will be "graduating" and moving into older cell groups next year. Think I've mentioned it before, but this is the first time in quite a few years that another cell group of mine is breaking up. So Jolene decided we should give thanks to someone within the cell for whatever influence and impact that helped shape our personal lives. And sitting there listening to each of their sharings, I realise how much I'm going to miss this bunch of people. It didn't seem like it at the start of this year, but I think all of them changed a lot a lot, became wiser and older and more intelligent and more responsible. Small things that didn't seem to matter a lot to me at that time suddenly meant so much more, which is real ironic because once again I underestimate the significance and the weight of what God can do with my brokenness.

Anyway, I'm trying out my last grasps of reaching out to them where I can! A bit belated but I have been too busy this whole year. Writing cards and wrapping presents now. Have to put up a disclaimer for this Christmas, cards for the cell group and for the youth leaders! And presents only for the mentees and camp worship leaders hahaha. Cell group presents already given out. I'm running out of time to write cards, and I firmly believe that each card should come with an essay, so it's gonna take some time. Hahaha okay that's all back to work!

I'm back to work! A week-long break in army kinda distanced me from everything, but it was great meeting up with the old friends again. Yesterday I went shopping for stuff I will need for the youth camp! Haha so exciting to be buying shampoo and toothpaste and whatever else. Usually I would do this extremely last minute, and most of the times I would have them already at home, but my stay in army camp kinda depleted all these toiletries so I had to buy. Excited!! I can't wait for it, the worship leaders have been very active in my absence, but I have not even printed out their chordsheets to practice yet! Shall do it tonight, which means it will probably get to a very late hour.

I am staring at the amount of Christmas cards I have to write, and I need to do a lot of things for a lot of things. I wish I have a personal assistant for this haha.

And off to Lynn and Min Jie's wedding in a bit!

It seems like the past few days were jam packed with activities. It was like one after the other, meetings and practices and services and meeting up with people or going out with some of the cell members, then at night rushing home to complete everything that needs to be done. I've always believed in the wonders of technology, for all of it's simple and cheap/free interfaces for all forms of communication! So it was emails and SMS and MSN galore, tonnes of things to do. I actually meant to finish writing my Christmas cards, but I have not even started on any one thus far.

Andrea sent a rather thought-provoking message today, because she was deluded in her Pluto-world. But she said something to the effect of when you get into space and you float by all the giant planets and stars, it's only then you realise how small you really are. It kinda brought me back to earth, because sometimes due to pride or whatever, it is just so easy to ignore the smallness of myself. I can slog my guts out with all the stuff to do, but if I'm not mindful of the larger schemes then I'm missing the point.My early new year resolution is to be a better cell leader and better worship leader.

Okay, off to bed, I'm away for a week at ICT, army, camp, training, reservist, whatever you call it. This is both welcomed and unwelcomed, because it forces me to take a breather from whatever I'm involved in, but at the same time this is an extremely wrong timing for me to be away. But oh well, nothing to be undone.

Was doing Christmas kettling and hanging out with Jeremy Hee Jeremy Kwan Jing Yang and Andrea yesterday in town! This year's kettling at AMK Hub is dissolved, we went to Centrepoint to help with Gracehaven's slots instead. But what's more remarkable is, the company that I did kettling with, they're people from my cell whom I seldom contact outside of the weekend! I think it's cos they're guys, and I always think it's harder to SMS or MSN them casually hahaha. The girls are more chatty hahaha. Anyway, we had a four hour break where we went to play shooting games hahaha kudos to Andrea for joining us. And it was a good time catching up with them, I should do this more often!

And Christmas is coming, which means I'm spending tonnes of money on presents and gifts and cards. Easily spent like half a thousand this week alone, and I don't dare to look at my bank account balance! Okay some of it will be claimed, but Decembers are money-drainers haha. I think showing appreciation is very important, and the end-of-years always gives a nice reason to wrap things conclusively.

Alright, I skipped today's kettling and let them go do themselves instead, but going to meet them later. Now to get some work done!

3am now, and I'm not asleep because I'm thinking about my cell group. Hahaha lookie I'm so dedicated! But yeah, there is a reason why they are keeping me up. It's coming to two years and a half since I first took the Sec 1 cell, and it didn't seem not too long ago? Back then it was only just Sam and Celine; I now have over ten people in the cry room at any one Friday. I reckon if I were to sit down and count every single one of those Sec 1 to 3s that I've met in my term as their cell leader, including those that used to join us but have since moved on, including their friends of their friends, I'd have easily chalked up FIFTY new people whom I've had the awesome privilege to meet over these years. I make every effort to invite them over on Fridays, most of them came over once, and sometimes I try to think how my cell group would be like now with fifty instead of the fifteen now, had I been totally successful in trying to retain all the Sec 1 to 3s in my church and in my cell. Hahaha they say numerical growth is one of the indications that you're doing something right and you're adding believers into your meeting. I'd sure love to do that, I mean, it should be every church leader's desire for more believers right? But just imagine, fifty!! I speak spake spoke to all of them before! If I were half as enthusiastic I would have twenty-five now. I really really can go form my own youth group hahaha.

Numbers aside, it's with some form of nostalgia and regret that we're moving into new territories for next year. There will be new additions, because this year's Pri 6s are moving up, and already I've met some of them. Kinda letting go of three-quarters of my sheep now and giving them graduation rights! And it is when we let go, that all the last-minute regrets come sinking in. Like, I wished that I had done more for this person, why does it feel like I don't know him/her at all, why didn't I did this at that time, why hadn't I done this till now, etc etc. All of a sudden I feel like no no no I don't want to let go yet, God please give me an extension of my holidays and give me six more months with them! I feel like I haven't done enough, feel like I could have been a better cell leader, feel like I didn't accomplish much, feel like they're growing up faster than I could catch up.

Of course there are times when they irritate me to death, or when there's just this idiosyncratic thing for their maturity which refuses to bow over, or whatever you associate with younger ages. That's not to say they're entirely childish and immature, because they probably don't know how much of an encouragement they are to me, for every single "right" and "correct" thing that they do. The best part is sharing in their joys when they passed exams or win some competition which you've been praying for them for. Have to let them clambour over my head shouting that I'm old and expired and naggy, but also have to try and get into their world to influence them and shape their attitudes if I can.

It's been quite an exhilirating journey. I don't really want to put it down just yet. But the year's ending and I should make use of the remaining time I have, and learn from the has-beens. Looking forward to next year!

One thing which I never got around to sharing, was that several eventful things happened on Gracehaven night last Sunday! First prominent and promising thing was Tim's first worship leading, and with nice bass playing to boot too. And second were the testimonies and affirmations and thanksgivings by some of the people there. Got to catch up with old/new friends cos it was one huge gathering. And last thing was, the youth that I prayed for during appeal accepted Christ! It kinda just felt right to ask him about his salvation after praying for him, so the second prayer involved him reciting my garbled sinner's prayer! WHOO HOOOO it is a good feeling.

And was at a SNYO concert last night at Esplanade. Made me feel like picking up cello and double bass. I'm kinda just doing stuff that I haven't had the time to do when I was busy studying. Of course top of the list is sleep! Elsewhere, I'm getting down to guitar shops to snoop around, changing guitar strings, etc. Shall do my own guitar tomorrow.

I thought this day will never come, but EXAMS ARE OVER! I think it's a terrible irony that those modules which I spend more time preparing for, they do not turn out well in the actual exams; but those which I barely revised as thoroughly, the questions came out the exact way that I want it to be, and thus were manageable. Anyway now that exams are over, I have a mile-long to-do list which I, hopefully, can halve by tomorrow. And complete by the end of this week!

Short entry, which does nothing to account for the thanksgiving and elation. And dreadfully sleepy state.

I shall be unabashedly shameless here. My birthday's coming! And it's a weird feeling because sub-consciously, I know it's this Sunday, but at the same time, I'm not really feeling like it's going to be my birthday this Sunday. It's kinda there, but not there, or I don't feel it's there, or I know it's there but I don't know it's there. What am I talking about hahaha. Anyway I've been kept busy studying hard for exams, the first one is tomorrow. Which is real horrible because Saturday 9ams are for sleeping, not for exams! In any case I barely realised that my birthday is coming until like yesterday or today. Gosh it's so near!

And, I'm going to put in a request for birthday presents this year! If you love me enough, here's a wish list that you can bless me with: I wouldn't mind a Taylor or Gibson or Larrivee acoustic guitars, or you can get me a Gretsch Black Penguin because I really think their guitar tone is awesome. For the former, it'd be great if you bring me along to go and test the guitar model first, because I think I've got a stickler for sound, tone and playability.

Last year I got a record number of duck-related objects! From soft toys to figurines to files and folders to whatever else. This year, a new guitar would be great! But I'm only too well aware these will easily go into the thousands, so here's an alternative for you. I am sponsoring a child from Bangladesh through World Vision; I went up there last May to visit her and I'm nothing but blessed by that trip. Which is why I'm asking you to do the same. If a 4-digit-sum guitar is out of your budget, and if you don't want to be one of millions giving me ducky things, do consider sponsoring a child through World Vision. It only costs $45 a month, and it could mean the world to a child's life. If that kind of commitment is out of your league, you can consider the World Vision Life-Changing Gift Catalogue, which I really find very funky because you can donate specific items like pigs and cows and ducks, or rice and oil and stationery packs to specific countries. That's sort of like a year-end Christmas gift thingy, so it's not going to be valid after end of this year I think. And if all else fails, you can simply choose to make a one-time donation to them too, any amount of money will do, and I think that will be a great too.

Nope World Vision's not paying me to do this for them! Haha but if you've made the decision to donate or to sponsor a child, I'd love to hear from you so that I can keep you in prayer!

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeeeee!

I think I get annoyed easily when the worship cupboards or the sound room or the audi backstage is in a mess! People sometimes don't put mics back in the proper pouches or containers, or used batteries are not thrown away into the bin and just left lying around and it's annoying because nobody in the world would know if they are new or used, or horribly tangled cables that are just thrown into the drawer. Mostly cos when I need things urgently, especially for rental, I'd like to just be able to retrieve the things I need easily and conveniently. Can you imagine, in the middle of rental I need a cable desperately, but I open the drawer and take the topmost cable and out comes three other cables all tangled together!? And I spend more time unraveling the cables and setting everything up. Or when I need batteries on the fly, and I put in batteries which end up to be old ones which are dead.

Real ironic that my own table at home is in a mess, but I put more importance on tidiness in church. Like empty biscuit tins, or things falling in states of disrepair, or people not taking care of equipment. Hahaha I found a culprit today haha Yurong I think this entire issue is the bane of our friendship.

And just two hours ago I discovered missing 9-volt batteries. And it's mightily upsetting because I know there were at least three or four spare ones as of last week, but today they're all gone gone gone. I shall just take it that someone is a robot in disguise and needed urgent power. Saddening because I bought them without claiming money for it, because last month was my offering-for-anything month. And same goes for all the cables tuners capos wireless presenter whatever miscellaneous items which I bought, sometimes they go missing or are spoilt, and I'm just sighhhhh. 80% of it I pay for them without claiming (unless it's really expensive) cos I don't give a lot of offering to church, bulk of my 10% offering guideline goes to Priya in Bangladesh. It's not like I'm trying to trumpet this, but come off it, take care of common goods!

And thanks Jolene for the reminder. Need to be overflow with fruits of the Spirit. Love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control. There's nine right? Yep.

This post has to go to the deserving young ones. Yesterday night was Gracehaven worship, and the customary would be for me to lead the sessions because it's like a fixture for me to be there every two months or so. But yesterday I handed it over to Melanie Meng Ren Ming Hui Tim Jolene, cos they are in training and taking steps towards worship leading. And the traditional abuse is to throw all the work to the protégés under the pretext of mentoring and practice, well, because they need the practice hahaha. But anyway, it was one of the rarer times that I visit Gracehaven services without having to go onstage. And watching them doing their stuff with worship was an indescribable feeling, sort of like watching a new generation rising and excelling better than you are. Haha I'm mightily impressed.

The year's coming to a close too, and with the coming of that it means I'm going to have to "graduate" some of the older ones from my cell group! This is the first time in at least 5 or 6 years I think, because past couple of years or so it's just been addition and addition. But just as I'm beginning to know everyone better and feeling that it's at last showing some signs of growth, it's time to move on. Alright, looking forward to next year, there'll be MR Tim Jolene on board, and they're making an impact already.

And, I kinda just realised this post sounds as if it's currently December 30th. But new year soon, new things soon.

This blog is becoming like a weekly update, but anyway school's taking a heavy turn from the usual. This coming week is the last week of school before the study break and exams! But it also means that majority of my projects and essays are gone, save for a couple which I think, or I'd like to think, is very easy. Haha the tendency for all my assignments this semester so far is to do it two nights before the submission! And I'm getting quite good grades so far heh heh. But a recent ODB reading said don't procrastinate, so well, don't procrastinate. This week kinda just flew past.

In any case, the frivolous thoughts that are running through my mind are, erm, kindergarten graduations. Because there has been a spate of hall rentals involving kindergarten graduations by various schools, so providing sound and technical support gives you the opportunity to watch free performances of children dancing in various animal costumes, and singing and reciting and the like, haha! For the most part of it it's quite nice, but my favourite segment is the certificate giving ceremony, because some child would invariably wander aimlessly on the huge stage or give back the cert to the teacher right after receiving it or start tearing the paper blah blah. It's hilarious to me, because the teachers spend so much effort to rehearse the dances and performances, but I think they always assume that this is least important part of the entire graduation. And consequently they don't waste time rehearsing for that!

Hence it's not so surprising how every performance is impeccable to the finest dance choreography, but during cert giving there's always a blur child hahaha. And it kinda amazes me how forgiving the audience is too! They would smile and laugh, but there's no condemnations at all and they're certainly way more accomodating. And I've seen standing ovations for specific children who made were too nervous onstage too. Why can't we all adopt a similar outlook?? I think for children it's always easier to pardon their mistakes, but when age seeps into a person, any small slip-ups is suddenly magnified tenfold.

Another inconsequential thought, but I suddenly feel like I don't need a new guitar anymore. Recently I've been going through online catalogues and trying out thousands of dollars of guitars and goodness knows what! But it's not a need haha it's a want. And today's worship playing support guitar with my acoustic sort of reaffirmed that. I have a nice guitar now and it doesn't warrant grounds for a new one. In fact it took quite a lashing for the past two days cos, um, I've strummed rather vigorously, and it's still awesome. How how? New, and give current away, or stick with old?

Last ramble. I recently signed up for some ladies' bags email notification! Not that I'm terribly interested in ladies' bags, but a while back I met Atiqah in school, and her friend was selling these bags at one of those flea market stalls. And I felt like I had to show some form of interest, although frankly speaking, I don't really want, or need, to buy ladies' bags?? So to be nice I told her friend that why not put me on their email subscription, and maybe I can forward it to my sister or other female friends or something. And they did, they added my email to their monthly newsletters, which didn't bother me too much except that it was rather entertaining for a guy like me to read mailers like these and I couldn't care less about ladies' bags hahaha. I never did forward them anyway, they go straight into the bin after the amusement. But, but but but but but but, the last straw came when they sent me the latest newsletter which began like this: "Hello girls!".

And I can't find the right word to describe my feelings now.  

And it's been another week of accumulated dust on this blog. I really need to blow the dust off my things and start utilising them! But October has just been a crazy month for me, with some partial church stuff and loads of essays and project meetings and presentations. So it is with a lot of anticipation and a lot of gladness that I end all my group project work tomorrow 10am! Or even earlier, depending on what time my presentation is. I still have two more essays or papers to complete before this term ends, but it's probably waaay easier because it's individual. Bah I just don't like group projects, especially group essays because I've never really figured out how are you supposed to write an entire essay with four or five others. The writing style will all be different and there will definitely be repeated information. Okay okay I shall just make sure that next semester I'm avoiding as much as I can all the modules which lists group projects in their assessment.

The lack of regular posts is due to the many projects and essays that need to get themselves done. It's usually crunch time at this time of the semester, especially if you don't start preparing early for all the projects/essays. Failure to plan ensures the multiple onslaught of all the assignments and presentations from everywhere direction. But yeah, I've somewhat gotten tired of most of my group projects because I never ever could tolerate them anyway. Twitter is my complaining channel now, for everything that I cannot say on my Facebook and my MSN, I just tweet. Hahahaha.

Alright, time for bed. More, another time.

Jolene and I recently embarked on daily devotional readings of Our Daily Bread. Was quite surprised how far this has taken me, because it worked quite well even though the material isn't very in-depth. I think one of the biggest reasons why I skip quiet time sometimes is because I don't set aside time! And especially when school term begins, I hardly have motivation to read the school stuff, much less read long devotionals. Hence ODB makes a good alternative because I have it sent to my email, and I check my email everyday so I cannot miss it. And it's just concise enough so that I won't just "haiya another long email" and neglect it. Jolene doesn't keep me accountable much anymore (neither do I), but I still read them and sometimes I find myself reading it again several times in a day and trying to memorise the scripture of the day.

It's crunch time in the semester soon. I've got one group essay submission next week, and another the following. Add two group presentations in the next two weeks too. Gosh I can't wait for November to come. Not to say all my work will disappear in November! Got another two individual essays by mid-Nov, what a strange timing.

But for now, thoughts are on this Friday's worship. I wasn't supposed to be worship leading anything for October, but this Friday's one had a strange effect of making me validate it more than usual. Through God's grace, it'll be fine =)

Been slowly realising that I've been stuck in the longest musical rut for some time. I think in the past few months, my iPod is no longer the entertainment tool that it has used to be. Its role has now been relegated to a strictly utilitarian and absolutely functional use. In other words, I only use it when I need it! Gone are the days where the first thing I do before I embark on a long bus ride would be to set the iPod to auto-play an album or some songs or whatever. Nope, not nowadays. I still carry it in my bag with me wherever I go, but I only take it out when I need to refer a song to a friend, or when I need to connect it to the church mixer to demo some songs or to serve as pre-service music fill. It's lost the appeal where it once had whenever I'm bored, and it's just iPod and me, and we'll go to the ends of the music world.

And this is dire only because serving as a worship leader, I've discovered that my songs have almost become formulaic. There's little variation in the choice of the songs that I sing now because I realised that I've hit upon a tried-and-tested system which fits almost 80% of all the services that I'm required to lead! I just have to fit it to the theme of the service and the Holy Spirit is just prompting all the songs that I already have in my head because of this fixed system, and I no longer have to spend weeks in advance trying to plan my set lists. It's both good and bad, because experience takes over, but it also means I'm likely to keep repeating the same songs over and over again.

So I shall try to inject more variation and try more new stuff and mix things up slightly to break out of my rhythm and revive the iPod's heydays. Might as well anyway, because I'm currently reading Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie, which is supposed to be a really good book because it won three Booker prizes! And you might be wondering how to achieve three Booker wins. It won it in 1981 in the year it was published, and again in 1993 for the 25th anniversary Booker commemoration, and again in 2008 for the 40th. It's as impressive as it can get, but sadly, the novel has not yet shown its magic to me yet. Fall asleep everytime after ploughing approximately 7 pages.

I have a small confession to make, albeit this is not the most favourable channel to do so. On the grounds that I don't think a lot of people read this blog (in any case I only know a handful of faithfully returning readers). But that is besides the point. I'm writing this because today's Our Daily Bread reading sparked something which I think needs to be addressed in my life.

The fact is, I've been losing meaning and purpose for Sunday services. I don't really see the point in going for Sunday services as frequently as before, because I really don't feel like I'm getting much out of them. I'm fully aware that this is not the kind of conduct and the form of example that I should be exhibiting. But it's been like that since the beginning of this year, where everything just seems meaningless and it's to the extent that I really question what's the point of persisting in dreariness. It's just not inspiring me in my Christian growth, I get better feeding elsewhere or from other forms, and the only thing that anchors my Sunday attendance is my occasional duties for worship ministry or for the new Sec 1 and 2 discipleship class.

Even then, during those times of serving in ministry, I feel like the best way to describe my feelings are just "orh, okay". Hahaha not the best way to describe it, but it's just that way. Nothing comes and nothing goes. I play guitar and I force myself to worship onstage without getting distracted. I lead worship and it's becoming easier for me now (from experience) to enter into my own free worship, but I can't escape the nagging feeling if I'm really leading the congregation. And when I'm part of the congregation, it's the probably the worst because I'm distracted by all the inadequacies and all the problems are magnified tenfold.

Which is why, it's not really a coincidence that I don't really bother setting alarm clocks for Sunday mornings when I'm not due for anything. And I can totally understand those who are disinclined to come church on Sundays. I feel like it's more of a formality that we're having a Sunday service now, rather than the celebration of like-minded believers in faith and in unity it is supposed to trigger. Okay that was according to the ODB reading for today. And this is in response to Yurong's small comment (and I know she accounts for the "handful of faithfully returning readers") at leaders' meeting this afternoon. Yes, church is less than a stone's throw away from my block, but there are times when I feel it's more worthwhile catching up on sleep rather than sit through service just for the sake for being there.

Strange that I don't feel the same way for Friday. Maybe because my cell group makes it amazing for me each time. Or maybe because I see hearts more ready and expectant. Or it can just be Satan's attack, in which case I'm not really doing much tho flee from the temptations of my bed. Like I stayed up most of last  night and only went to sleep at 6.30am this morning, which is, needless to say, a recipe for remaining asleep beyond 11am for service. Then again sometimes I just refuse to try or budge because I'm stubborn. Like my non-attendance of any young adult cell group, wich, I think will probably be the subject of another blog post in a similar fashion of retrospection.

And I suspect I will come into some form of vilification soon because of this post, or from my continued rebellion. We'll see where it takes me. Okay, enough has been said about this. Thanks for enduring thus far if you did.

I wonder why am I not sleeping again. It's past 5am and I'm still up doing nonsense, at the same time sporadically reading some of my Literature readings. I do enjoy my dabble in my Lit modules so far, but now that they are level 2 modules, it means that besides reading the texts itself, I have to read academic analysis stuff written on those texts. Which is rather a big step because level 1 just mostly require you to form a rudimentary response. I'm slightly glad that Lit for me is only a minor and not a major!

Elsewhere, a huge storm is brewing outside of my house right now. Okay it has subsided mostly, but there are still quite a lot of lightning and the rain is still relatively heavy. Hahaha that means I should go to bed soon, it's going to be cosy!

And I've yet to blog about Self-Denial service! Went into the worship without being fully prepared as a band I think. There were always a lot of uncertainties like, okay so who's going to do what at this transition, but I think it all turned out great. Self-denial and sacrifice makes for essential ingredients for the walk. And my pleasant surprises came from unexpected people in the congregation! The biggest surprise was my mum, who came to me this morning while I was still groggy and in bed. She said she walked in towards the end and heard me sing the closing songs. Hahaha I didn't even know she was there!

Alright. Shall finish this reading then it's bed bed bed.

Approximately 21 hours to SAY combined service tomorrow, with my thoughts in sort of like a cauldron of slow-stirring froth. I think I've led worship enough times to be unfazed by the daunting prospect of going onstage. But right now I'm trying to will myself to be nervous and excited and all hyped up for it! I've told my worship team to go in tomorrow night with an anticipation and an eagerness to allow God to work. Right now it sort of just feels like another worship session to me, but God really cannot be limited into the size of a box. Need to go with an expectation that something great is going to happen.

Anyway, 1st October represents a culmination-of-sorts for all the worship leadings for August and September. Think they were nowhere as hectic as what I used to do previously, but I've realised lately that time is much harder to come by, hence the flurry were still significant enough to take it's toll. And what with all the song changes and reorders and revamps for tomorrow, it was really a huge testimony that yesterday night's practice actually went quite well.

Okay. I've got a mid-term MCQ test to study for. It's Chemistry, gosh. I will do my best not to be bewildered by it. 

Led worship at Sunday service this morning, probably 3 months since the previous Sunday I led because I sort of recall the last one being in June. This year somehow just seemed like a lot lesser worship leadings for me on all the usual Friday Sunday slots, but it still feels like a lot! What with Gracehaven and combined camps and services. Alright la, trade off. But today was different because I decided that we should all do without chordsheets and play entirely by ear. Which was both risky and adventurous, but it went quite well despite all the mistakes. Shall work on that more and let the guitar be entirely secondary to my leading!

Recently I've been thinking a lot about worship stuff, particularly when I've been trying to "impart" some of the essential skills to Ming Hui Jolene Meng Ren Melanie. They're going to be worship leaders for the end-of-year camp, and it's not like I'm the best person to do it but I really really feel a strong calling to just help and mentor where I can. And the talk of the town is on exaltations and free worship being an essential part of leading (my personal thoughts la). Then the feedback that came back to me from some of them, about my leading this morning, was that I was doing a little too much of it and it wasn't too smooth at certain points. Hahaha. Alright, I'll keep learning and practicing too.

I should have noted much earlier that I finished my first Coetzee and Ishiguro novels, thanks to the literature module that I'm taking now. Of course I've heard of both writers' literary prowesses, and all the flitting mentions from my bookworm friends who extol the brilliance of both of them. But for some strange reason or another, I've never really sat down with any of their books until I had to take this compulsory module to fulfil my literature minor. Not regretting it the least bit! Because Ishiguro is so elegant and poignant that it's really hard not to empathise with, flawed though the characters may be. And because Coetzee is so down-to-earth and succinct that it's equally difficult not to like his logic and practicality. Definitely more of them to come.

Recess week kinda flew by, I started out with tonnes of work but now the load has been slightly halved and I'm wondering where am I going to find the time to do the other half. I wish I wasn't such a pig; I really really require 7++ hours of sleep everyday and it's really difficult to wake up in the morning. Once school starts, I really cannot afford to stay up so late every night. I'll really just sleep throughout the day and miss all my classes. Next week I have 2 mid-term tests, both of which remain unprepared because I clean forgot about it.

Should sleep now. I've got 2 tuitions to give, and a worship prac to lead, and aiming to complete two module's worth of unfinished readings tomorrow.

This morning, while getting out of my house to get to lunch, I realised that the NParks people or HDB or somebody uprooted the familiar tree by the walkway just downstairs of my block. There's not even a stump left, it's just a mangle of remnant roots and wood shavings and some leaves. It's almost as if the tree hadn't been there, if you don't look closely enough.

And I'm mightily upset. I know enough about trees to identify it; it's a wild cinammon tree. It's not a very significant tree to me, like it's not as if I put a swing there or I built a tree house there or I hid in the tree trunk or I climded it before. Okay I don't think you can do that to any of the trees in Singapore. Those are more like Enid Blyton adventures. But still, I walk past it almost every day, and it is an essential part and parcel of my landscape. In geography we call it sense of place, which put very simply just means the intangible experiences that make up your connotations of a place. So familiarity may be homely, thus such. I guess the removal of the tree constitutes a destructive sense of place for my neighbourhood.

They're burning all my bridges. So where do I go now.

I didn't sleep the whole night, and I'm not yet feeling the effects of it! Okay this is actually quite a foolish statement to make, because I'm sure later in the day I will feel like my eyes want to (and will) droop anytime. In any case I'm on top of the world now, because I stayed up all night to finish my essay! It's only a thousand words but it took the whole night because of the tedious need to synthesise everything and paraphrase from authors. One thing I never get is that given a thousand words, you can never get much creativity to throw in some of your own original ideas, so what happens is that I'm just summarising all that has been written on feminist geography. It's so pointless and I don't really think the lecturer will be interested to mark a hundred of the same essays. But aargh whatever I've done my part, now prof, give me my A!!

I don't have school till 12 noon, and theoretically I can sleep for about 2 or 3 hours, but I think I better not risk it. If I go to bed now, I don't think I will wake up until youth service tonight. No no no. I'll just find some miscellaneous stuff to occupy me for the next few hours. Or I'd just go school early. Hahaha there's a one week term break to study next week, so I'm feeling like it's holidays and my exams are totally over!

I was supposed to blog about Sunday, but I reached home at like 3.30am on that night, then Monday came and went, and Tuesday is on the verge of coming and going too. Anyway Sunday was good because it's one of those long long days where you're packed right from early morning all the way till late at night, and somehow everything just went according to plan. Sunday service worship, then "sneaked" out to conduct the Sec 1 and 2 Christian education thing, which wasn't as terribly chaotic on a Friday evening cell group! They're out to get me I'm very sure. But in any case, what followed for the rest of the day had mostly to do with Gracehaven worship, what with practice and then going down there for more practice. The actual worship was nothing short of great, except that I started tearing onstage when it just felt so moving, then you know when you cry your nasal tracts starts to get choked up and I couldn't reach all the high notes after that. But I think that's how God works, I sometimes think emotions can somewhat be a debilitating weakness whenever you're onstage, but when God touches you you really can't help but be in his presence. In any case I need to tear lesser because it's just hindering my singing hahaha. And then we went to send Tammy off to London after that! Which explains the very long day.

And yesterday, I was up till 4am doing up a presentation for today. Which I think is really idiotic because my classes start at 8am today, and it's the odd Tuesday when it's my longest day in school. But anyway my prof said he likes my concepts but he asks if I really know all the stuff there is to know about! Which is kinda spot-on, because I left the presentation until the last possible minute and obviously I couldn't have read as widely as he wanted me to. But in any case it's over. And I finally went down to science faculty today for lecture and to find my missing pencil case! I must have looked like an idiot pacing around in the middle of a lecture (not my lecture somemore, that's the best bit) and I couldn't find my pencil case anywhere. Then I went stationery shopping right after that. Hahaha.

Okay, shall sleep early and wake early tomorrow too! Time to tackle the essay. It's only a thousand!

The weekdays ended yesterday with two missing items for this week. My huge pencil case is presumably somewhere in school, and I highly suspect it's in LT27 at science faculty. I have science lectures every Tuesday and Friday, but yesterday being public holiday, I couldn't go down to verify its existence. In all likelihood I'll only next go down to science for lectures only, so come Tuesday I have quite little to believe that my pencil case will still be there after one entire week. Then last night I lost my water bottle! Okay technically it wasn't my bottle, because I kinda just took it from church because it was lying around for so long without anyone claiming it or using it! So it was quite ironic that the same bottle got lost in church. This I suspect is somewhere in the auditorium or social hall, but I couldn't find it last night and I sort of just gave up after finding for a while.

I don't like losing things. Don't like the thought that there's something missing from me and that item is lying aroung somewhere, but I don't know where is it and I cannot retrieve it. It's not the value of the object that's lost, because I get upset when I misplace my guitar picks too! Just don't like losing things.

I want to thank God because today I finally found the exact highlighter refill for the exact colour that I'm using for all my modules this term! My sister introduced that highlighter to me, and she said what's good about that was the refill option. The highlighter itself costs $1.30, and the refill pack (with 3 small bottles) is $1.60, so technically for the price of $2.60 I have bought 4 highlighters! What's more, my sister claims to have used this same highlighter for 2 years and she kept refilling it and it's still usable now!! I am wowed because I run through highlighters relatively quickly, or maybe that's cos I was using free highlighters last year which were all cheapo-looking. And this highlighter brand that my sister recommended would have been a panacea, but the thing is, I just can't seem to find the refill pack for my colour at anywhere at all! All the bookstores I've been to said it was out of stock. But just this morning, I made a detour to the school co-op bookshop just to check if they have it there, because a week ago I was there and they didn't have it, but I thought I could just try my luck because I had nothing to do too. Lo and behold hahahaha tadaaaaaa it was there!

Okay. This post is... Hmm. Sleep.

I miss guitar playing. Ever since I started school I have been neglecting the Baby Taylor loaned from Matthew, and the Maestro was lent to Dezmand for a while, but now that it's back with me, I'm not doing anything with it either. It badly needs a string change to get me inspired to play it again! But I'm procrastinating because for today's worship practice I'm going to use the corps guitars, so I never really got down to changing the strings. Sigh. Busy school.

Obtained a fever for the past two days! Hahaha I used the word "obtain" because there was one night when I only slept like an hour or so, just to prepare for the next day's class. It turned out that whatever I prepared, the lecturer didn't really go through. Anyway my sleep was disrupted for the next couple of days because I really need to cover up for my sleep debts, and there just wasn't enough time to sleep all day. Hence the fever was a bit like asking for it. Was running around school yesterday woozy and dizzy until I went to see the campus clinic and they told me I have fever, but not that serious.

Okay. Time for work again.

Here's to a blog post where I don't really have anything significant to blog about, but I just want to siphon my thoughts (and delaying studies). Okay shall start with this episode at cell group which I thought was really cute and funny, and it has been stuck in my head ever since Friday. We were talking about Jesus being the light of the world, then somehow the question came to what kinds of light are there in the world? So for a while the answers were pretty straightforward, like torchlight sunlight moonlight headlights blah blah, until Eunice said "as light as feather"!! Hahahah! Jolene and I thought we've heard the worst of it, until Andrea came in, continuing in that vein, she said "satellite"! I thought that was really cute of both of them, and it's a pity if I don't share that.

And, talking about which, teachers' day is coming, so naturally I need to send a message to my two tuition students to "inform" them that teachers' day is coming! Heh note the insidious intent. But with the expectance of heartfelt gratitude and outpouring of thanksgiving, all I got was Eunice replying "so?", then Joanna said she can't wait to "go back to her primary school"! SIGHH. At least Hong Yu promised me something nice, even though I don't really teach her officially cos I help her on a phonecall-to-phonecall basis haha. But I'm very very proud of Eunice, she managed to pass most of her subjects this term, including her dreaded maths!

I really should go and sleep. Have tonnes of things that I'm aiming to complete by tomorrow.

Ahhahaha I caught the time it is 12:34pm now. Just a short note before I go to school. After waiting for weeks, I'm finally going to have a copy of Global Shift by Peter Dicken! All the copies in all the NUS libraries are out on loan since last week and last I checked, there was a waiting list a mile long and I probably won't get the book till October at that rate. Usually for popular books like these, the NUS library will have a copy of it in the RBR which is some reserved or restricted section where you can only loan books for two hours, so that everyone will have a fairer chance of getting hold of a particular book. They've got all the later editions in RBR, but they just don't have this 2007 edition in RBR, so it's been a mad rush for everyone trying to get hold of those precious copies! And I placed a reservation for a copy under some reference section last week, and finally finally finally the person returned it early and I'm going to get it later! My inner kiasu auntie says YES WHOO HOO YIPPEE!!

Okay. Off to school. My sister asked me to bring some of her stuff to school cos she's staying in hall. She asked for hair clips and hair pins, and I deliberately chose all the butterflies ribbons hahahaha I've never seen her wearing those before. Then she asked for FBTs, and my gosh never ever! That's bordering on underwear. No. Next time if I'm really a teacher and some student turn up for class in FBTs, I'll chase her out.

The return to school has been much of a normalcy to me. Yeah it kinda feels weird after a three month break, but surprisingly I was able to pick up rather quickly. Maybe cos it's the second year now, and I'm feeling superior to all the freshies! My sister being the biggest one of them hahaha. There are nights when she came to me asking silly questions like "can we go in early into the lecture theaters before the lesson starts" and I reply "no no no you cannot do that the cleaner will chase you out". And I share a module with her this semester.

That said, a very very big change to my life happened last night! I changed my minor to English Literature instead of English Studies (which is just a combination of Lit and the English language itself). Okay actually it wasn't very drastic because the difference is just that I have to take two more Lit modules than the previous minor. But I felt like it was a big decision that I had to make! What if I really do become a teacher next time, and with Eng Studies I can teach both the language and Lit, but now with it only being restricted to Lit, I can only take the Lit classes??? Okaayyy it probably doesn't matter in the long run, and I sound really infantile. Alright that means I'll get to read more books, which I think will probably interest me more rather than sit through modules on grammar or tenses or stuff like that.

It's National Day today, and I recited the Singapore Pledge and the National Anthem at 8.10pm today! Hahaha 2010 2010h oh my gosh this is so cool! How come they never do it for the past few years? Okay la the time is harder to count, like 2009 then it has to be 8.09pm. And I tried my best to be patriotic through my choice of the colours I wore today. Well, at least until I got onto a bus full of old uncles and aunties dressed in red too, and I realised that I was the only one below the age of 60 clad in red too? Not that that made me ashamed, but what happened to all the reddish young people! Maybe they all went for NDP already haha.

Stomach's grumbling. Shall eat some supper. Here's another language observation: Why is it that descriptions of financial-related stuff tend to be unclean? Phrases like "filthy rich" and "dirt cheap" and "living hand to mouth". So unhygienic! =P

It's 3am in the morning, and I'm struggling to get to bed soonest. But I took a two hour nap this afternoon, so it kinda compensates for the time being? Can't believe that school is starting again in a day's time, and I realise that I will very soon have to start downloading my readings and purchasing my textbooks and start to keep up with the readings again. Which is why I'm trying to rush all the stuff which I can complete now before the term begins officially, although it might as well have already begun because Monday's National Day. Small things like worship chords, new worship sets, tidying my table, blah.

Played at Chinese Corps this morning, with the Baby! And considering the very early timing of the morning, I was surprised that I managed to pull through the entire service and understand everything. I always liked Chinese church services because everything sounds so eloquent and precise. Shall make more often visits there.

And this is from my diminutive observations, but the British like to say "brilliant", the Australians like to say "amazing", the Americans like to say "awesome", and the Singaporeans like to say "good"

I keep saying that I am neglecting this thinking space and how much I yearn to resume the once-regular accounts of my life, but to actually get down to blog something proper is really like a huge chore. And it's no excuse really, because everytime I open my Firefox my homepage is my blog, so there's no way I could have missed this site. I guess if I really wanted to, I'd easily hit 2 posts a day, but Twitter/Plurk is so much more convenient because it shortens my life to 140 characters haha.

Still, nothing beats actually sitting down to craft this blog post. Gets the writing juices flowing.

Anyway, I'm almost nearing the end of my holidays. School starts next Tuesday after National Day, so I'm back to lectures and assignments and projects. I'm taking three geography modules and one literature and a chemistry module on atmosphere! No idea how they will all turn out, but looking forward to something to do after such a long break. Haha, and that would mean having to adhere to a strict sleeping regime, because I'm like getting to bed at 3 or 4am nowadays and waking up waaay after noon the next day.

And I'm trying to drag my fitness back on track too! I need to clear my annual IPPT before my birthday, and just in case I don't make it, I've booked my test slot in September. It's crazy because I haven't jogged properly for the longest time and I'm trying to gain back as much as I can. Terrible.

Led worship with a Taylor guitar tonight! Matthew left behind his Baby Taylor for me before going overseas, and I can't put it down ever since. I really pity my Maestro, not sure how it feels playing second fiddle (pun intended) to the BT. But it's really a joy to play the BT; the tone doesn't sound very full but it's definitely very rich! Think this shall be the start of a trend for the next few weeks hahaha, only problem is that it doesn't have a plug-in option and I have to use an external mic. But I'll work around that.

Okay, gotta sleep soon. Have a worship prac with Chinese Corps tomorrow morning, and I'm looking forward to it because I've never played for a Chinese church service before! English have, Tamil have, but Chinese don't have. We'll see tomorrow, hahhahaha.

Back from Europe for slightly more than a week now, and I'm still acclimatising to the difference in time zone and the way my body clock is kinda tipsy. I find myself awake up till 5am these few days, then I sleep in for most of the day until 1pm?? Or maybe it's just my late nights that are reversing my sleeping routine. Anyway, much has happened since I'm back, the biggest thing being the two consecutive worship leadings last Sunday at corps and at Gracehaven. One of the craziest because of the lack of preparation and two in a row on the same day and it was practice from 8am to 8pm the entire day. But God's good as always, and it was fantastic.

Trying to plan ahead in time of all the things that I need to do for the second half of this year. And, trying my hand at sorting and editing the photos from Europe so that I can start showing people! I'm quite pleased with the film photos which are already developed. Most of the unpleasant ones were due to incorrect shutter exposures and camera shake, if not they've captured what I wanted to take actually.

Okay time for bed, before I turn zombie and start biting people.

Back from the holidaying in Europe and from the World Youth Convention in Sweden. I'm mightily upset with the false promises of cold weather, because all of the Europe summer is anything but. My long sleeve clothes were brought in vain, one sweater stayed permanently in the suitcase and the other was hardly used and eventually lent to someone else who needed it more. But God's been great, I enjoyed every blister on my feet and every tired-and-lack-of-sleep moment. The convention in particular, exceeded all expectations that I once previously (and myopically) had. Great to interact with people all over the world and worshipping God alongside in the ranks of the Salvation Army. They are some of the best people that I've met in my life, and again, I'm thankful for the way the Spirit works. Much to learn and much to go on in my experience.

It seems like each city trumps the other as we go along, so in that order, the cities that I enjoyed most was Stockholm (nice people), Amsterdam (nice countryside and city landscape), Berlin (nice directional ease), and Paris (nice charm).

I'm off to bed, to conquer jet-lag. I'm lost on all the social networking sites, but that doesn't really matter. I've gotta go right back to preparations and work. But first, I need my guitar back.

Berlin holds much splendour, with so much more colour and vitality and quotidian lifestyles that makes it much more worthwhile than ancient Paris. Was at the Berlin Zoo yesterday, then we tried to cram 3 museums in four hours due to some free passes after 6pm. And today we went out to Sachsenhausen concentration camp for the day.

Weather is hot, it finally exceeded 30-plus degrees since we arrived in Europe. And when I'm not battling the weather or trying to conquer the sights, I've been trying to get inspired and see things from a photographic angle! Hahaha thanks to Ming Hui and Kar Leong, I've got a film camera at my disposal, and I'm into my fourth roll of film now. My compact digital just fails at capturing the wonders of the architecture, but I'm too lousy at the film camera also. And when I'm not doing any of those, I'm trying to catch up on the life of Anne Frank. Got the book at the Holocaust memorial a few days back, in preparation for the Anne Frank museum visit in Amsterdam!

Alright. Travelling there tomorrow. What will the Dutch bring now?

We headed up to Germany, and in Berlin now eating currywurst and German pastries everyday. Was exploring the city itself today and was out in Potsdam today. Potsdam was kinda like Versailles haha. And, we tried to watch Germany versus Spain at Bradenburg Gate just now, but we kinda decided that it was too crowded and the screen was too small and people were getting drunk everywhere. So we headed to a smaller open field and watched the first half, and caught the second at our hostel common room. But for all our hype and support, Germany lost =(

Never mind we'll be in Amsterdam and rooting for Holland in the finals!

In Paris for the last two days now, and apart from getting disoriented on their metro after we land, it's been quite excellent so far. Got a view of the entire city from the Arc, was at the base of Eiffel, walked the entire length of Champs-Elysees. And today was museums free entrance day, so was at Louvre and d'Orsay, but I kinda felt that all the million dollar art-pieces were fleeting past me just like that. Hahaha dunno how to appreciate! But the museums audio guide helped somewhat. And as a last minute decision, we went out to Versailles unprepared, but managed a very rushed tour of the palace, and soaked in the sun at the gigantic park.

Hahaha they say traversing down Paris by foot is a surrealistic experience, but I've got blistered feet and sore muscles and I've never felt more alive because every step I take is a wince of pain.

Off to Berlin tomorrow. What will the Germans bring?

Travelling to Europe in another 9 hours or so? And I'm in a frantic pre-holiday frenzy because I'm trying to see if there's anything that I left out or haven't done before I go! I'm like trying to print out all the stuff that I think might come in handy in the midst of travelling, and I'm trying to recall if there's anything I've yet to settle. Hahaha. Maybe I should just give up la, just disappear for three weeks and come back then sort out the mess again. Not particularly excited yet! It hasn't quite hit me, but I think by tonight I will feel like a true blue tourist and lalalalala I'm gonna have fun!

And Founder's Day service is in 5 hours! Again this is one big thing that jitters me. I remember the last combined service on Good Friday, I came down with this massive attack of doubting and I was unnerved by the amount of people that came, even though the congregation size was somewhat like a Sunday service? A bit unlikely coming from me, especially when I've led worship so many times and I'm numbed to the stage frights. But of course it goes without saying that the Lord will be amidst the entire proceedings tonight. All the way!

Okay. Gotta do the chords for later's worship. I'm utterly unprepared.

A while ago Andrea shared during cell group about the new trains on the Circle Line and on the NEL that allowed a front view of the underground tunnel. She said she gravitates to the front end of the train all the time now, and something about the lights in the tunnel being very fascinating, and she even said she was so mesmerised by it that she was smiling to herself once and some stranger beside her actually smiled back! Hahaha. And cynical me decided to just poke fun at her about the whole 'light at the end of the tunnel' thing and it never really came to mind after that. After all, MRT ride is just an MRT ride, nothing really special right????

Until we were at cell outing last week and on the way home, she dragged us all to the front of the train. And it was woaahhh very nice very nice! The headlights lit up the entire train track and tunnel, and with all the lights in the tunnel it was actually quite brightly lit. It was like some train ride in an amusement park, but without the cartoony stuff like weird characters or houses or stuff. Kinda strongly reminded me of all the action movies I watched that involves running along the underground suburb train tracks trying to get to the next station in time, before the aliens reach them or trying to be ahead of the kidnappers. When the train is approaching the next station, it was like the station was some incubated container because of the enclosure platform and the sliding doors. Hahaha the viewpoint was just different la. I think of underground train stations and I think of the trains arriving to the all-important me at the station in a whiz and stopping in front of the door that I'm waiting at. But this one is more like the train is the entire focal point of the transport system, and it's just taking transit stops and dropping/ferrying all the inconsequential people that doesn't matter in the larger scheme.

So two days ago, when I happened to be on the circle line again, I happily went to the end of the train, thinking that I'll get another magnificent view. But thing is, I went to the back of the moving train instead of the front, and there hardly were any tail lights at the back! I felt so cheated hahaha but it hardly was worth walking all the way to the front. But Andrea has a nice theory, she said this meant that you should only look ahead in your journey and look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel that will come.

It's 2:45am according to the time on my laptop now. Really should get some sleep and should start to look ahead instead of being stubborn. Thing is, I'm not a very optimistic person, which isn't what faith and hope is all about. Yeah I know that God wills and it should work out fine, but I always tend to think that human inadequacy gets in the way. Then I get stubborn and grumpy because things doesn't go the way I want, and I kick up a fuss but it gets lost in commotion after a while, then the resentment just becomes another sidelined grudge which rears its ugly head once in a while. But every now and then, God surprises me with success and brilliance that isn't part of the hatched plan, and He tells me to just trust and fall back.

I'm all riled up again, and the easy way out is to let it go out of proportions and crash bang boom. Surest way to get noticed and heard. It takes all the effort within me to keep it down, that there's much more at stake than just being difficult. But thank God for level-headed people to remind me that light at the end of the tunnel is always there, it just takes time and effort to get forward.

Been out almost every day in the past 5 days, either at church with rental or outside with cell group cycling or blading or cooking potatoes. Kinda eventful, but leaves me with very little personal time because by the time I get home everyday, it's easily past midnight and I'm just so tempted to plonk straight down into bed. But the reality is that work still needs to get down (like tomorrow's worship leading), so I will stay up till 4am and sleep in till like noon the next day. And the thing is that I don't like to wake up discovering that it's afternoon and I've slept like the entire morning away! But no choice, I think this is the holiday life hahahahaha.

Tired, and much as I want to prepare for tomorrow, my mind is just not functioning. Blame it on poor time management. Can you believe it, I did not even listen to any of the songs that I picked until now. I'm sooooooo unprepared.

Back from a 4-day Salvation Army territorial youth camp! The entire duration of the camp was just beautiful and wonderful, with all glory and honour to Jesus. I think my finite words kinda puts a limit in describing the actual victories of the camp. But above all else, God was present at the camp.

On a more personal level, my transformation took place right from day one. I'm used to 20 minute worship sets, but we did a 2.5 hour on the last night and I was beat. My group's quietly awesome too. And there's just so much energy and power throughout the camp that I was in tears and a total wreck more times that I could count.

I need to sleep. And heal my hoarse voice.

In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it.


Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand:


Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.

_

Tired and almost ready to give up. Sigh. Why do I feel like everything has no meaning now? Then again, it's back to the same old, that if I don't try, I would have missed the blessings that I might have gained.

Took to the stage leading worship yesterday for the first time in 5 months on a Sunday morning. It's been a long break, and I'm not very certain if the break was well-spent or not. Hmm, in any case I haven't been leading worship a lot this year too, compared to like say in the past 2 years? There were times when no sooner had I just cleared the iPod playlist for a particular worship set, I have to create a new playlist for another set for the next week! There are strikingly none of those for this year, which in a way is good and bad because I missed what I enjoyed, but I enjoyed what I missed too.

Have you ever had the feeling that you're no longer equipped or in control of something just because you've been absent from it for a long time? And the bigger your share of the pie previously, the larger the void you have to fill when you return to it again. I felt like I no longer had the authority to stand on the Sunday stage and lead? I can't remember when was the last time I sat in the congregation during worship, which made it even more appalling and undeserving that I should lead. Past few weeks that I've been in church, I admit I was kinda just there to play guitar for Mark/Alicia.

I was listening to yesterday's recording, and it felt really awkward. Not that the the music wasn't good, it was really awesome, but something's just missing there la. I know it's probably attributed to me. The heart is not entirely lost, and I'd like to believe that I still want to be that vessel or reflector or channel or conduit here? It's getting harder to focus, and it's a constant struggle between what I desire and what I think God desires. Peace I need.

Quite heavy a mental load that's festering in my mind about Bangladesh, but I don't know where to begin and I'm not entirely sure what I really got out of it too. There's a thing about these kind of "awareness" trips which gives you a stripped-down peripheralistic view of the essentialities of life. And right now I really really feel like there's a bigger fish to fry. It's almost like a guilt trip when I think about what I have which they have not, but more than anything else, my biggest takeaway was to learn to receive? Have to know how to love and put faith in the God that loves. Felt like royalty there, flowers and attention and service and importance, which no doubt was was difficult to accept, and even harder to comprehend the amount of idolatry put into my own golden calves. But thank God for opening my eyes to see the work that needs to be done, and somewhere out there was another soft prompting to keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting, keep yearning.

And they told me my sponsored child's name Priya means sweet-heart! Was sleepless and an utter wreck the night before the meeting because I had no idea what to expect. My first impression of her when the small group of us appeared at her house, she ran down the lane saying hello to all of us (including me) and I was like, does she recognise me at all? Perhaps it's our relatively small age difference, and maybe because I hang out with 13s to 15s occasionally, but definitely cos she's really friendly and charming, and she could understand English very well, so we didn't ran out of things to say and so it didn't cut across as awkward. Glad to meet her and to know that she's fine and keeping well. Makes for better letter chatter in future.

Bangladesh was not very hot (though much like Singapore), but much more humid and moving air was stymied, so I perspired buckets. I've had the opportunity to see three amazing sunsets since I returned, one for every consecutive day that I was back in Singapore. That to me is a testament of how each day is really a miraculous gift from God, and all I have to do is receive it and make the best of it? Three sunsets!! I hardly have time to notice even one in a month.

Sponsor a child through World Vision today!

Will be away at Bangladesh from tomorrow Sunday evening till next Sunday early morning. Kinda looking forward to it, and really wanting to meet my adopted child! Hmm I'm like 80 or 90% packed and ready to go, but I'm super sleepy and all I want to do now is just go to bed and zzzzz.

Shall do just that. Nights.

I'm neglecting this thought-space which I used to really frequent. And it's no excuse because my exams are over and I'm getting more sleep now than I've ever been getting since the start of this year! Which brings me to another dreary question: why do I always think about blogging only in the wee hours of the morning? Time on the laptop says 4:42am currently, and I'm sleepless. Has to be somewhat due to the vanilla latte about 5 or 6 hours ago? But oh well, sleepless means sleepless. Tossing and turning in bed hardly makes it any easier, when your mind is racing with so many thoughts.

I am agitated and frustrated and all riled up. To say that I'm feeling any lesser than that really masks the intensity of my emotions now? It is like uurgh!!!! I cannot believe the gross glossing over of details, and I find it really hard to find meaning and purpose especially when it was something that I've stood by so firmly (and dare I say passionately?) for the past 2 years. Okay I need to cool down and be more astute, and I might have misread the intentions.

So now I'm stuck in this mire. Should I strive to not strive, or is there a bigger fish to fry?

It's 2:27am and I'm just done skimming through my readings and notes for tomorrow's paper. It's an opened book test, and I've decided to lug in my last semester's cultural studies notes in too because there's some gems in there which I could definitely use. And my professors for that module last sem were brilliant, for most of the important readings they've given a quick summary and a blow-by-blow recount of the salient arguments of the major writers. So I've got academic readings and academic commentaries on the academic readings and the additional academic new readings on the academic commentaries and academic readings. Haha is this unfair advantage or what. Oh well, opened book, anything goes.

Happily called Victor just now to make sure that the schools in Bukit Timah stretch aren't functioning tomorrow. That means half an hour more sleep for me, which is crucial for a 9am paper. Nights.

I'm four done and down, with one more to spare on Monday 9am. I guess I really should be thankful for the exams, because I took things a bit too for granted and ended up in a frenzied studying each day before my geography modules. I'm never going to try squeezing more than three geog modules in a semester again, because the combined contents are bordering on overwhelming, and I keep getting the information mixed up across the modules. It turned out quite okay during the exams though, not the most prepared and not the most confident, but it's doable enough and I've had ample opportunities to invent theories and occurences and nonsensical analyses. I was almost late on three of the four so far too, it's always a frantic rush trying to find my seat. Thanks to Yicheng for the chance encounter and the brolly when I really needed it.

And now I am tending towards the "exams are over!!!" attitude, because my last paper is an opened book test and I have not much idea how am I supposed to prepare for it. I'm planning to lug my cultural studies stuff into the exam hall, because they're packed full with race, ethnicity, gender, all that stuff.

Time for bed. It's been a long week. 

Exams have begun and I'm currently striving to find meaning to continue studying! I've had two papers already, they were quite manageable. But now it's like a mid-life crisis because I've got totally no motivations to study for population geog at all. Just stuck in that quandary.

The only reason why I'm online now is to check my email. I've got quite a lot of backlog to clear.

Time to sleep.

Was at Colonel Keith Burridge's wake service last night at William Booth Corps. It was quite shocking to hear the news on Monday morning, and even more saddening when he's going to retire in another month or so? Nothing but insightful respect for him and his ministry, and I remember the closest I've ever came with contact with him was the two of us alone in his sprawling office and recording a video interview.

And, amidst the things which I deem a bigger fish to fry, I'm trying to speed up my tourism lecturer's webcast lectures and speed reading through the salient points of my unread readings.

I have to learn to accept the brevity of human existence. Come and go. Coming and going. Came and gone.

Nothing eventful in my life unless you take account of all my attempts to break my Bejeweled high-score. It's a rigged game! Luck and chance only, I'm just playing for leisure's sake and hoping for a chance when everything falls in place nicely for me. If not, I'm trying to put some semblance of discipline in my life? I started April with the intention of regular exercise and quiet time and studying every week, but it's degenerating each day and I'm trying to rein my life back into structure. I just want to sleep everyday la.

My sister threw away my secondary school geog notes! There used to be a chunk of my notes in the cabinet, then last week she was tidying it and I thought she was just doing up her own stuff. Little did I know, she actually invaded my section and replaced my pile of notes with her textbooks and files! I was so mortified, and she had to throw away my geog stuff which I need! If she threw away the sciences rubbish I wouldn't have made a fuss, but it's precisely why I needed those notes that's why I'm even rummaging through the stack.

And, I lost two of my best/favourite/familiar guitar picks this morning. Dropped it on the bus, it was crowded, and I have laptop books bottle in my hands so I was just lazy to bend down to pick it up. I sort of pretended like it wasn't mine and I weren't the one who dropped it hahaha. But the entire bus ride I was wincing at all the senseless students who stepped and kicked and shuffled it as they were boarding the bus. Where are their eyes!!! It's kinda a helpless feeling, the red and orange picks were just there but I refuse to let down my pride to pick them up. Oh well I'm to blame for my lack of alacrity. Guitar picks are the cheapest of all guitar accessories I think, but I really don't losing them! And I did absolutely nothing to recover them today. =(

I will never ever skip any more webcast lectures for the rest of my undergrad life in NUS. The tendency as always is to use the excuse that "it's webcasted and recorded" to replace the need to physically go for the lecture. But I am like a few weeks behind the course outlines and I'm just speeding it through to get the main gist of what the lecturer is blabbering. No more no more, I will go for every lecture even if it's recorded next time.

This is kinda overdue, but essays and presentations are all over! No more stress to research and source for information, or trying to match up to your group members' stellar contributions, or fretting over too little/much words, or brain blocks during presentations. I've learnt something new about myself, I cannot present effectively under a time limit. My mind just goes blank. You need to give me all the time in the world so that I can be as naggy and loquacious as I want to be. Then nobody would want to hear me =(

Recently I keep encountering the word "fix" everywhere I turn. Things like everything's in a fix, or fix this or that, or fix a date, my coffee fix, fixities of life, blah blah. And I think I'm sort of getting the sense that I'm not meant to be the fixer, if there's such a word? I keep getting whispers that I just have to do my part to the best of my abilities, and leave the rest to God. It's not exactly new to me either, but recent times is just full of that. Sigh. I can't grapple with this quandary as of now, because I like to do do do and I'm suddenly surprised by the lack of things I have to do do do. Just like me and Bejeweled. I'm not good at the game at all. Pah, it's all luck and depends on whether they want to give me the multiplier gems or not! But I don't believe I cannot do it!! Stupid. I want to fix it, but it's seemingly not corresponding to my efforts. So many big blasts and kaboom bang crash, but I'm still getting like 30k???

And, my strongest affirmation yet. To be a mirror reflecting God's glory. It's really where everyone is striving to be, isn't it? When it's really not about you, not the human things you do or sing or say, but about that radiance shining through the Godly things that are done or sung or said. Hmm. I have no idea at all, and in any case I wouldn't know at all because I can't see it myself, but I take it as an encouragement.

Exodus 34:29-35

²⁹ When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. ³⁰ When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. ³¹ But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. ³² Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the LORD had given him on Mount Sinai.
 ³³ When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. ³⁴ But whenever he entered the LORD's presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, ³⁵ they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the LORD.

Just wanna give God all the praise and glory for last night's Good Friday combined youth service! Thanking Him first for the cross and what it meant that night, then thanking also for the huge large gigantic phenomenal numbers of people (255 according to Min Jie!) who came, and wanna thank God for the close to ten people who gave themselves to Christ. And for the skit and worship and message to go so smoothly. I was like oh nooo so many people and I was all ready to clam up. But the strength and the grace shone through, it was good. =)

And, after all that died down, I sort of just sat back and reflected at my own life. I think I would have given away my guitar just to be part of the congregation praising? Then again, there's a certain joy and a spiritual gain when something grand like this happen, and you know that God's using you to bless others too. That's the level where I wanna reach, when it's really beyond my gifts and talents, so I'm worshipping in my own way but at the same time I'm helping others to worship also? Hmm. It's the duality thing that I always struggle to meet.

I don't know when will be the next time I'm onstage singing again. That was my answer to at least three different people yesterday. Life is being a little bit messy now =(

But for now, it's trying to rush my tourism essay, with totally no motivation to do it at all. The criteria says 1500 to 2000 words, and my current word count is 900 odd. I'm like all ready to stop at 1500 once I'm there. The previous King Lear essay is completed! I just need to edit it to make it sound more professional. Oh well. I'm tired.

I'm beginning to be thankful that I sat through 2 years of King Lear under Ms Teo's classes. I remember being extremely resentful that I have to go back school on numerous holidays just so that we can finish the mammoth text in time for A'Levels, and till today a portion of my book still remains blank because I "conveniently" skipped quite a number of tutorials. But now, about three or four years after I graduated, I'm beginning to reap the benefits?? Hahaha its sort of like mental percolation of information. Somehow all those information that I thought was just applicable to A's suddenly became important to me all over again! Last year's tuition endeavour proved that. I could rattle off on the themes and go on and on. This year's literature intro module happened to include Lear too, and it's such a big book off my back because I can just saunter into class unprepared and still come out with some semblance of class participation. Hahaha I'm getting arrogant. But, I really am familiar enough with the text to hold some form of argument already.

And now, it's essay time! I've got a list of questions to choose from, and the most logical option, of course, is to pick the Lear one! And I'm grateful that I was diligent enough to photocopy notes and critical essays and whatever during my A's. I might not have read them word for word during that time, because it all seemed too advanced, but now they're proving their worth. No need for me to spend lengthy hours to research, because I've got it all there. Oh yeah thank God.

It's 4:47am now, and I've finally finished my economic geography essay! I started on Thursday, so that meant 4 hard days of writing to complete 1800 words. The thing is, I can be planning and reading up in advance, but nothing beats the thrill of actually writing. And like what Yurong said, the rate of writing tends to go exponentially. The introduction is the most excruciating because usually I haven't got a firm idea what I want to write, and it's not really helping when I'm denudated with tonnes of resources to sift through. But by mid-essay I'm kinda flying through the words and ideas and readings because I know what I want already.

But I haven't been entirely hardworking on it, as ideal as I would have liked it to be! Never mind next deadline is 5th April, a 1000 word and a 2000 word. I can start on the 1000 word almost immediately, because it's going to be a King Lear essay and it's all in my head hahaha I'm so smart.

Longest and most packed day of school later. I don't like even week Mondays. Shall try to get some sleep.

I want to thank God for David and Yurong! For letting me know that you can actually fast forward the NUS webcasted lectures, and for actually being able to see the video-ed lecturer instead of just listening to the audio only. I'm using Mozilla Firefox, and for the whole of last term and most of this term, I've been just contented with watching the screened Powerpoint slides and listening to the lecturer's voice only. But recently David (who learnt from Yurong) told me that if you use Internet Explorer instead, you're actually able to see a recorded video of the lecturer walking and prancing about and with all the additional hand gestures and whatever that the lecturer is doing! And furthermore, if the lecturer speaks in a slow drawl, you can actually speed them up! I've tried 2.0 speed and itjustsoundslikethey'resqueakingtheirwaythroughhahahahaha. This is awesome! I can finish watching a 1 hour 40 minutes lecture in just slightly over an hour!

Now if there's some way that I can fast forward my life too, I'll gladly do so too. I keep wanting to "get it over and done with". I think going through life trains you up and prepares you for eternity? It's like how we all are aware that suffering produces patience and development and faith and all the good stuff. But sometimes I just want to skip all that and get to the end. Then again, in doing so, I'll miss out all the tests and situations and circumstances that I'm supposed to go through, and I might miss the blessings that comes with it? Hmm. Okay I shall go and think about it again.

Eunice said she saw a woodpecker pecking away at a tree, and she said the poor bird looked so stressed knocking its head loudly on the tree bark. Hahaha. I'm thinking that if the bird doesn't knock its head, it wouldn't have found the food that's underneath. Same goes for me.

My guitar's finally back! And in time for Gracehaven yesterday too. It's really nicely set up too. They replaced my tuning head and my bridge for free and only charged me for the set up. Hahaha great reasons to get a Maestro because of the great customer support! And Gracehaven's a timely reminder of where God chooses to place me on this journey with him. He really deserves the praise.

And with that ends all my reasons for procrastination too. Nothing else for the rest of March, unless if you count practice for Good Friday. It's time to start on my essays. Not that I haven't been researching, but I need to start getting down to the actual writing.

This is post number 900, with hardly much cheer? I'm not sure la I'm just kinda neither here nor there. Haha I keep alluding to my "missing" guitar, but it's really similar to that case. I called them this afternoon and enquired how much longer would it take, because they said 3 to 5 days but it's been slightly more than a week. Partly because I want to get it back in time for Gracehaven this Sunday, cannot really bear the idea of using borrowed guitars again, and also partly because I think I depend a lot on it for my quiet time? And the ukulele hardly works hahaha.

And it's a week of not very happy stuff too. Ups and downs la. I met someone whom I haven't seen for a very long time, and that kinda made me guilty. Was at a few meet-ups with friends or mentors, and it sort of gave me more complicated stuff to think about? But alright I feel slightly better and things are clearer in perspective. At Janice and Roxanne's match today. And this week is really like bittersweet?

Hmm. What have I done?

I'm convinced beyond a doubt that my guitar is the best in the world. And I'm sorely missing and inadequate without it. Corps has two acoustic guitars, and I had so much trouble with both of them yesterday during worship practice. The strap is too long and the adjustment method is a chore, or my fingers really cannot take the different relief and action, or it always detunes itself after 15 minutes of playing, or it sounds flatter at some notes, or there's static feedback at some frequencies. I don't know whether it's channel, guitar, DI or wire. Either way, I've never had much problems like these on my own guitar. Hahaha I sound like a really whiny kid, but ughh it's just not the same la. And probably as a consequence, I gave up halfway through the practice trying to fine tune my sound and everything, and tried to focus more on seeking? The guitars were such a distractant.

And, I'm feeling just as lost as the missing guitar. In some sense I'm beyond caring already, but this is at the expense of losing the passion, which isn't what I want either. I think I've been kinda irresponsible in the last few weeks, and really naggy and whiny. I think it's easier to mend than to end.

Sent my guitar for minor repairs and a much-needed setup yesterday, because of some minor problems like buzzing and to fix the loose machine head. So I kinda borrowed the corps' Simon & Patrick in the mean time, because I need a guitar to practise for various worship leadings. I really have to say that there's a drastic difference in the two guitars! Don't get me wrong, the S&P sounds great even though it's been really beat-up, but I find the neck too stiff and the string gauge was probably heavier and I really can't play with it for hours on end! Hahaha it's barely a day and I'm missing my guitar. My fingers and hand and wrist are screaming OUCHIE BOOBOO WAAWAA.

And I went to try guitars again, since I was in City Hall area yesterday. I am very tempted to blow my bank on several guitars. Hahaha. Aaaarghh this is a need not a want haha I need so many guitars for what??????