A few good things in my life, I've got a new phone with unlimited SMS on top of my free incoming, which in my opinion is awesomezz for cell group leaders hahaha because I've got no more excuse to say that I can't reply to messages! I passed my QET too, so that means I don't have to do anything extra and my GP result was just a fluke and there are nothings wronged with me the English. I'm matriculated, registered, for university, and thanks to Atiqah for making sense of the bidding nonsense. Last day of work tomorrow too, which is quite sad because I really enjoyed myself here and had a great time, but I can't wake up at 8am every morning.

I'm trying to figure out what I haven't done. I wrote a to-do list but I lost it.

My sister is a big hypocrite. She claims she has this much work to study and revise. (She's taking her A's this year by the way).



But she is busy doing a million other things! The other day I saw her writing notes for all her friends! "LET'S JIA YOU TOGETHER FOR EXAMS OKAY!!" I'm very dots because she 自身难保 already but she still go and encourage others for what! And that's not all! Look at this, she is counting elephants!!



And this is where she normally resides.

There are nasty times in my life when the "knowing-being-doing" ideal just doesn't appeal to my circumstances. And I just don't feel like getting up there to do the stuff that I have to do. With all honesty I was one phone button away from sending a SMS to Alicia, telling her that I really don't want to play/sing on Sunday. But it was Saturday night at 2am and I thought it wasn't very fair for her. But Sunday morning eventually came along and I was on stage, the glare of the spotlight in my eye, I got nervous in front of 200 pairs of eyes, I'm playing entirely wrong chords and I'm singing in Greek. I remember trying to reconcile how God can be magnified through that junk.

And barely an hour later I was up there again, this time with twenty kids with the voices of twenty million, trying to make sense of my purpose in the mud map. You know how sometimes it gets confusing, and it doesn't help that I'm so prideful and stubborn too. I know I lost it in the mess of shouts and barks and wrong stylistics and entire deviants from what was agreed. But again I was trying really hard to keep it all in check, trying to keep myself from drooping off in sleepiness.

I don't know, part of me feels like this is a huge plate of mee goreng. It's tasty enough, but I don't really want to eat so much of it. It's the diminishing returns thing. But it is a perpetuating problem for everyone, the more passionate you are for something, the more you open yourself to be hurt or discouraged easily. It's so easy and so tempting to get too caught up with the "whats" instead of the "whys". It's something that I try to constantly remind myself, but everything goes out of the window when it's just me me me and no God. Which is why mee goreng looks really appetising when I'm hungry, but midway I just feel like puking.

What if all of these comes to nothing? What is it at the bottom of it all? My heart's drawn to remaining intentional and making it relevant and purposeful, something which I picked up from people like Adrian. You just cannot do things frittering like a butterfly, there has to be clear objectives before and measurable outcomes after. Perhaps there's some debate there, about how God can still make something artistic out of recycled materials. When is too much too much, and when is too little too little? Sigh, I think there's always a greater and higher something above me, and it's quite useless getting beat up trying to attain that equilibrium.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Mind full of forgiveness and redemption and reawakening and compassion. I think God's been trying to speak to me, but either I'm too busy at pretending I'm busy, or I'm just trying to delay facing that ugly truth.

Hillsong conference and concert was good and inspiring, thank God for people like Min Jie and for David Chan. Yeah my poor memory made it more work than that was necessary, but Min Jie's relief was a funny sight hahaha. Was back in Seletar Camp on Friday, it felt exactly the same, like ORD till now was just a weekend. Doesn't help too that one of the last major event I did before getting out was parade too, so this felt completely at home. Not something that I want though.

Which makes it a very sordid affair. I just want to sleep and sleep to catch up on the lost sleep. I hate having to wake up knowing that I cannot sleep for another ten more minutes, or else I will be running late. Then again, it sure is better than waking up discovering that you're already ten minutes late.

Come to think of it, I haven't actually gone to the ATM to withdraw money for quite some time! My last transaction receipt was dated 5th July. That means the money in my bank account has been largely untouched! Which is really great hahahah. It's like that because for the past few weeks I've made purchases for other people, and now they are paying me back in dribs and drabs, at different times of this month. So at any one time the cash I have on hand are the "repaid debts". Makes it feel like I'm spending on credit, you know, money that doesn't really seem to be there but rightfully it is. It's like a insurance rebate scheme! Haha I don't know what I'm talking about.

This is really random, but when I was much younger, one of my favourite nursery rhymes went something like "catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save if for a rainy day". Trying to teach you the importance of being frugal and to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Something like that.

Just came home from Ballet Under The Stars with Khairul. Both of us wished that we were taller, so that we can see above the four or five thousand heads at Fort Canning Park. Sat on an embarrassingly pink mat with picnic food (burgers/sandwiches) and wondering how they did those jiggly legs and how many turns in one jump. Hahaha ballet is nice but cannot appreciate it.

And I'm reaaally tired from all the worship leading and practices this weekend. Friday was leading, Saturday was playing for practice, Sunday is practice and actual and then YP Sunday practice. I think I got very irritated at times, but I really can't help it urghh. At least from now until 2nd August I can just focus on YP Sunday, which is real exciting to look forward to, after watching them do their dance routines. Everytime I see those primary school children they are always jumping around me, so I thought it was good, hahaha channel all their enthusiasm and energy by making them jump around on stage!

I've been trying to put things in perspective, like what's all this worth and what's in it at the crunch? It's not entirely a thank-less thing, and I've got ample support, but I think I'm too prideful, I like to run things on my own steam to stick stickers and post my own mail. I realised for the past few months I've been just giving and giving and not receiving. Not receiving as in like appreciation and free Hillsong tickets and acknowledgements. More of my own growth. Sometimes I think it's really easy to go to a bigger church, be part of the anonymous faces and soak up the atmosphere, you know, join a cell group where people understand you and where each worship is huge and each sermon is a blast.

But I've really been blessed by everything that's going on around me now, thinking that everything has a bigger scheme which I cannot see. Today's message kinda reinforced that. God doesn't need my work and my ministry and my songs. I always have a choice.

Updated with a picture of the view at Fort Canning.

There are times in my ministry and work when I'm so strongly moved by certain people that are such a blessing and an encouragement to my life. Or it could be just stories or events or certain small things or behaviours and attitudes that I'm happy that the Lord is magnified through all of that. I think a lot of times I have to just stop whatever I'm doing and just be thankful and be prayerful about everything that's happening around me, sometimes to the point of breaking down. But I'm quite convinced that everything isn't coincidental, and I cannot see the larger scheme and I don't know where is it all heading, but I know the blueprint's there. You know, that kind of thought process that goes on?

I think the past few weeks have been full of blessings. Unexpected prayers that were answered, things just falling into place nicely, decisions made by people that were God-glorifying. I think leading a cell group is very tough work, but I am very encouraged by each of their lives and it sort of motivates me to want to do more for them.

Oh You bring

Okay fine haha I had to go down to NUS yesterday for Qualifying English Test. They need to know my written English proficiency! Hahaha aiyoo I think very waste time, they can just come and read my blog; I try to write as grammatically correct and in proper sentences and as coherently as I can in this blog! I didn't know so many people crashed their GP grade hahaha! What's so special about QET is that this is the first academic test I've had to sit since my A'levels three years ago! I don't like studying I don't like sitting for exams either hahaha. But it was a good excuse to meet up with army friends, and to take the morning off from work haha.

And hooray that it's Friday! I'm looking forward to the end of worship tonight, because after this is just YP Sunday left. I like leading worship but it's taking up a lot of time and killing quite a lot of brain cells! O God what do you want me to sing!

I honestly do like hymms and really old choruses, those kind that were written in lyrical formats! I like to see words in symmetrical structure. Haha I'm kinda awed by the amount of verses in the Salvation Army Song Book which I don't know how to sing! And even more impressive to me if I see 8.8.8.8. Amph, or 10.10.10.10 Iamb. It brings back memories of my old literature days, where we will all be counting syllables and tapping our foots or bobbing our heads to determine if the poetry is trochaic or dactylic or whatever.

For the life of me, I can't figure out how to squeeze words into such a rigid structure with so many demands on stress, tone, syllables, rhymes, blah blah. That's not to include how profound the content it brings! Nowadays I think songwriters and poets have it easier, free form is the way to go, never mind the sentence structure, the aim is to pack the most punch in your words! I can't even string a decent essay together, how to cope demanding forms and difficult concepts and imagery and expressions, and still praise God in the midst of it all. The old hymns are treasure troves!

Yeah, returning to the main topic, I've "borrowed" a SASB from the corps auditorium for the past few months, because I do need to refer to it for worship leading and stuff like that. And last night I brought home the Tune Book too, to check chords and melodies to some songs. My goodness it was a pain to read all the towgays! Treble clef is still okay for me, but I'm more unfamiliar with bass clef so I have to count and count! And my music theory is mediocre at best, can't figure out how all those squiggly things can actually denote a tune. But yeah thanks to some help from Eunice, it was more manageable. And Major Alice decided to drop by in office just now and started humming one of the tune I was trying to learn! Haha that's when I decided it sounded familiar because I sang it before.

I think the easiest way would be to ask all the Salvation Army officers, learn three songs a day from a different officer, and I just might cover all the songs and choruses in the SASB in a year. Hahaha. Tune Book is soooo boring and so hard to read I fell asleep trying to figure it out.

For those who have yet known, I'm on Twitter! And have been since three months ago, when I first started work. It was more of jumping on to the bandwagon for popularity's sake. And a few weeks ago, I got an account on Plurk too, it's somewhat like Twitter but more interesting, and I'm only there because Hong Yu Eunice and Andrea are there!

So technically speaking I'm ruining my life away haha. I think most of my friends are still stuck on good old Facebook, I'm following Miley Cyrus and Coldplay on Twitter just to make myself feel remotely connected to them hahah. But I seriously don't see the point, because I think this blog has been a great avenue for my emotional outpouring, so why do I need to Twitter Plurk Facebook?

It's a bit sad that this IT-savvy generation is demanding more and more condensed, bite-sized, quick-fix, instantaneous things! If it can't be read in a sentence, then forget about reading it! But too bad, I admit it's quite addictive. Heehee!

Yesterday was as if like the day just couldn't end! So many things to do, so many stuff on my mind, so many people to talk to, so many things to remember to do. Headache and very tiring. I think I don't want to play lead guitar anymore, so minimalistic but too many things to control. Then there was worship prac for Gracehaven, which I decided to play guitar and sing (because Hui Min "pangseh-ed" haha), so my fingers are kinda sore from all the fret flying!

Gracehaven worship was great and the visual action from where I was standing was quite spectacular! Not much frenetic emotions beforehand, I think it's getting easier to find my own space to allow it to magnify God, don't quite know how to put it in words but it sort of resolves into something purposeful? And it's really my priviledge to get to know some of them, before this they were just names and stories to me. I'm trying to move beyond "hello Lee Kuan Yew" hahah.

I'm quite exhausted, quite surprised I got this far, and looking forward to the end!

Just came off worship practice for tomorrow's service, and one of the rare few times I'm playing lead guitar, and I'm feeling really crappy and inadequate because I felt like it was just nonsensical rubbish! Hahahha I only like to strum strum strum on my brilliant wonderful amazing acoustic guitar, and I tend to want to do the same with an electric guitar in my hands. I don't know what chord or note I want to play. I think the sound and effects and Adriel's pedals were wasted on me too, I don't know how to control it to maximise the tone! It sounded neither fish nor fowl, and I'm thinking if it's not too bad an idea to just jaarrrgghhhhhh all the way tomorrow and let the overdrives do the talking!

And courtesy to Kat and Daniel, I've got a recording of last week's worship session which I was leading. Wow haha it was like one of Hillsong's live recording! Except for my horrible singing and my lengthy incoherent blabbling. But it sounded beyond cool, recording was a bit muffled, the congregation weren't whoo wahh whee, but you could hear the passion behind the singing. And I think the band was awesome. This is the first time I actually got to be "part of" my own worship leading hahaha.

I haven't been that busy for the past two weeks, contrary to my crazy schedules in June. Okay la I'm still occupied with a few things la, but they are all small nitty-gritty things which I really think I ought to hire a secretary to do them. I need a girlfriend who is willing to do admin work for me!

I realised I have been really irritated and annoyed at work inefficiencies for the past few months. You know, I don't really have to care if things are slow or late or not done properly or insufficient or a million things. Three-quarters of the time I'm not in charge of it, and perhaps that's why I've been more easy on the accusations too. But word gotten back to me was that I'm too fierce or naggy or I'm not loving, and I'm really like what-the-hell because I thought it was just a basic matter of personal responsibility?? Haiya it's a really fine line. If I think something is wrong and I don't say it, then I'm apathetic. If I say too much, then I'm over-bearing. Can't please the world at all.

And I kinda blew my top this week over something which I really felt was very unfair for me and for the people involved. Don't think it was what either of us wanted. But I really had to slow myself down and control my temper. Initially I kept silent because of past favours and similar inefficiencies on my part, and our past work relations were magnificent. I did find a better reason to bury the hatchet though, because of something that was mentioned about forgiveness and prayer.

Here's one huge conundrum that I really cannot stand. Like, take for example if I'm leading worship, I will try to plan my songs one month in advance. I know it's waaay ahead of most people, but that's what I'm aiming to do la. So I will go and source for the songs mp3, email out as early as possible, provide all necessary resources, spend money and purchase the sheet music for my musicians. Then on the actual day of practice, one of them says "no I haven't seen the emails yet". Then like that how????????? Doesn't make sense if I spend time and effort and money, and I get this kind of attitude. It's the same for everything that I do! I put heart and soul into the things required, then in the end change direction, or worse still, nothing is done! It's not about the job not done, it's the kind of irresponsibility that I am super irked. HEART ATTACK.

But I'm more convinced now that all these imperfections are just part of the bigger picture to allow God's perfection to shine through. I'm thinking that there's a plan and there's a purpose to everything that happens. Cannot la if I just keep getting angry over every small thing not done, then I will just die of high-blood pressure and frustration and impatience. Much bigger things to worry about and much bigger fishes to fry. Very difficult leh.

Speaking of worship, I'm back to learning and listening songs every week! My calendar puts 5 separate worship leadings from 19th June to 2nd August! For different occasions somemore! That's easily 20 songs in 6 weeks. Not to mention that July is my Sunday service worship band's month, and numerous worship practices (both mine and others), so that's another million of songs. And I've been trying to get influenced by Nigel Hendroff and learn to play lead guitar!

Don't talk already. Time to sleep.

The weekend wasn't a battle, but it was a fight to stay awake! I've been out almost every night since I was back from Kuching, and it is taking quite a toll on my sleep too. On a good night I should be home by 11pm, or else it will be later than 1am? I think my parents aren't very happy with that, but I'm either busy with stuff or I just want to relax outside la. But okay yar this weekend was more relaxed than normal. Kar Leong's facilitation workshop on Saturday, and was at Kat's place after that. And today is leaders' meeting and leading worship for Founders' Day. I think that working for Salvation Army helped in a sense, because I got to know Lt-Col Prema and I know what to expect for Founders' Day and I've got editorial support and wonderful help from everyone, so it helped make the anxiety about worship leading much lesser. But it was good, and my fingers are very pain but it's good.

Shall sleep!

I really like the word "crook"! I'm using it as a noun, to describe people who are dishonest or cheaters or thieves or liars, in that sense. It's a real pity that I haven't really heard anyone use this word in a long long time. Okay granted, there are millions of alternative epithets that I can use to describe the same group of people, but I like "crook" because it conveys such a strong message and it's not as hackneyed and it gives a manner of tone when you say it in anger! Sadly, I think its place in language is not very recognised, because "crook" is considered too colloquial for school graded essays, and you hardly ever see it in the media except in tabloids! They do use words like "swindler" and "trickster" and "fraudster" though, but it sounds quite parochial to me. And then there's the big complicated words like "embezzler" or "charlatan" or "purloiner", and frankly speaking, why accord them such prissy-poo names when they've committed a crime!

I think if I had my way, I would opt for stronger words like "villian" and "knave" and "rascal" and "scoundrel" and "bandit" and "crook". RAAH!

From Timothy!