Busy weekend ahead of me. Leading worship tonight and on Sunday. That's like a huge step of faith for me.

I'm very sleepy. My eyes are struggling to stay open. My list of songs to learn/learnt within ten days have risen to 22! I am listening to Hillsong's Stronger on repeat. I think this is some sort of payback, because I've always adamantly professed that I don't like the song due to bad lyrics syntax and I think it's silly, but Huimin likes it, and I find myself having to sing it!

Received the itinery for the Hong Kong trip. Packed full with sessions everyday, but I have no idea what they are about aside from the themes of each day. Okayy I'm still looking forward to it. It says "One delegate from each territory to bring national costume which will be worn during the prayer concert" in one of the documents, and I'm thinking really hard if Singapore has a national costume!

Slightly jittery and nervous. Haha it doesn't really go away with experience, does it?

And, I shall do something about it. My conscience is nagging at me and my own words are biting me. It can't be a situation where I impose my authority in someone else's life but neglect my own in the same circumstance. But I'm still very angry and insulted!

There's a nest of little fledglings that's growing in the trees just outside my camp bunk. I'm on the fifth floor, and the trees next to the building are tall enough for me to see the birds flying and hopping. I think they are asian glossy starlings, or just plain old mynahs and sparrows, couldn't see clearly. But they're making a racket every day! Irritating and noisy, and I actually suggested that we should have stolen live rounds from combat shoot and use them to shoot at the birds! Horrifying right, coming from a nature lover and a not-very-good birdwatcher like me. Not to mention I'll go detention for that. But I was reminded of a nice advice sent recently: Go find some nature to spend time with. So, for the time being, I'm not criticising the rambunctious lot. They can grow happily.

I shall try to be less moody.

A pure heart, that's what I long for
A heart that follows hard after Thee

A heart that hides Your Word
So that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
But one You rule and reign
A heart that beats compassion
That pleases You, my Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to Your throne


While flipping through my chord book, I stopped at this song. This is not a song that comes to mind easily if I want to sing something. It's quite old and I cannot remember the last time I heard this. But it caught my eye because at the title of the song, there are the words 洁心 scribbled in pencil beside it. Then I remembered how Jaslyn and I were sitting in the canteen and for some reason I brought my guitar to school, so we decided to start singing songs from the same chord book, and a million people stared at us with weird looks, and we tried to get more people to join us but they came and left, and at the end of an hour or so we're still the only two left sitting there. Somewhere during the singing and choosing, she noticed this same song titled A PURE HEART, and I remember her excitement because that's a literal translation from her Chinese name. And she insisted on writing her name beside the title, so that's how it ended there.

It's a nice story, and it's amazing I still remember because I normally forget things like these. But what a powerful song this is. Isn't that everything which God expects from us? He wants us to be pure for Him, to be grounded in Word, to worship Him, to offer our lives to Him in surrender, to reach out to the lost, to let Him reign sovereign in our hearts. And I always think this is the most idealistic ideal of ideals, because we can all try but we can never get to that end stage.

I couldn't really concentrate today. Too many things going through my mind. It makes me feel trapped when I think about it. And it's not helping when I feel like I'm totally derailed off from whatever I want to do. Am I suiting my own purpose or am I suiting God's?

SIGHHH.

My mum thinks I want to join Superband or Singapore Idol or some talent show, because whenever I'm at home now I'm virtually inseparable from my guitar! But I really have a lot of songs to learn due to worship leading on various days. I have chords and lyrics for 19 different songs which I'm trying to sing, although to be fair, some were already done last Friday. It's almost 3am in the night and I can't sleep and I'm still listening and counting and recounting and replaying songs over and over again. Why so confusing!

Yeah, I know that it takes a tremendous effort for anyone to take the first step and admitting their mistakes. You have to put away your own pride, you have to curb your anger even if you don't think you're in the wrong, you have to compromise on your own resolutions. I think that's why it's always much easier to ignore the problem rather than to try and muster the courage. It's a huge test of humility and patience. And I think I'm the biggest hypocrite, because I tell others to do all of those things above, but I'm in almost the same situation myself and I haven't practiced what I preached. I know what is expected of my attitudes and actions, but I just don't feel like doing it.

More than anything, I hate the way I'm still so affected when I should be a lot more wiser and discard those cynical criticisms.

=(

I cannot lead worship and play guitar at the same time. Even though I kinda like the idea of it. I worry about my playing and I cannot focus on praising as much as I could have. Ironically, I realised that I depend on God a lot more during all those times when I dismissed the whole band and just led worship by myself with one guitar.

I'm an ostrich. Whenever I'm threatened, I like to stick my head in the sand and pretend that I can't see or hear or observe anything. Okay maybe they don't really do that, but they do hide by lying flat on the ground! And if push comes to shove, I run away. I guess I've been escaping from all sorts of things my entire life. Refusing to face up to the reality of things.

I think that I think too much. I'm concerned with things of very little concern. But that's because I think too much.

A bit sad. Troubled and emo and trying to flip Bible to find references on renewal of mind/soul/life/anything else.

Sigh. I'm a horrible mess myself. My list of problems gets longer and longer everyday, and things just spiral downhill without my control. Oh what the hell. In that case, I wish I hit the bottom of the hill faster, so that the only way for me to go is upwards in better sunlight.

You can kill two birds with one stone. But you can also watch them and be much happier.

I think that it's one thing to witness how others have grown in Christ, but it's another thing altogether to see your own growth. With other people it's a lot easier, you can at least chart their maturity level as they grow older, in the way they handle situations and what they do in their lives and the way they think. When it comes to myself however, I always think that I'm very far away from what I want to be. I'm not saying that I don't know how much my own life has transformed since I began to put God as a priority in my life, but I just feel that I can be so much more than what I am right now.

The best thing is that spiritual growth is a continuity, that it's never too late to start, and there won't be a true moment when you can say that you've reached the limits of growth. And I thank God for never giving up on me, for providing His grace and strength each time to renew my desires, my hopes. I want to be an "imitator of God", to be consumed by His righteousness that gives perfect reason and freedom to be holy.

Now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. -1 John 3:2

I recently ran into this huge bout of discouragement, and it got so intense that I started seriously thinking about giving up and throwing it all away. I know this might sound a little bit trite and conceited, considering that everyone tells me to "just trust God and believe", but it's really easier said than done. I mean, nobody said all of these are going to be smooth sailing, and I put my name on with full knowledge of the commitments required. But I guess that's the way it is, that things don't always turn out the way you want them to be. And I think the big challenge comes when there are certain expectations that you need to fulfill, but you're angry or upset, and you don't always feel like doing all of that. What if I need to lead worship but something terrible happened in my life and I don't feel like singing to/for God at all? But I kinda realised a long time ago that even when I'm in a lousy mood, God is still God, and He won't change for me just because I'm stuck in my predicament. He's still the King, He's still the one that we should fix our eyes upon, and it's quite useless to blame Him for whatever that's happened because it's not going to change anything in our lives.

One thing that I always wonder is why I still keep believing and singing and doing all the stuff after so many years. Everybody asks me that, especially people who don't understand how I sometimes spend my entire weekends doing church stuff when I am in army and weekends are probably the only free time I have. I always shun that question because I don't know really know how to explain it. Sometimes it's in the things that I do that takes fruition, like seeing people grow, or seeing this ministry expand. But I think that's just the physical aspect of it? I think it's crappy to tell people that I go to church because I want to see my little girls in my cell group grow. It's what He's done in my life so far that keeps me returning, and what He's done for me on the cross that propels the faith. And if I want to explain that, it's like explaining my life story! So after a while I sort of gave up answering those kind of questions.

But to quote it brilliantly and succinctly: "All of my life, in every season you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship". At the end of the day it all goes back to me wanting to learn more about God and to experience Him in my life and to build a strong relationship with Him. I can be doing a million other things than to spend my time in church, but I can also choose to set my life apart for Him to work His ways through me. I think we are all without excuse to find reasons to believe as long as we have accepted His gift for us. It's the entire truth that we believe in the first place.

Sigh. I guess I'll be staying down for these few days and trying not to let unhappiness affect me. I had to force myself to go for youth service, because I really really REALLY didn't feel like going at all. After that was watching Eagle Eye at Cathay with some people, which accounted for reaching home at 3am and my mum asked me groggily just now if it was time to wake up.

Other than that, my life's pretty the same. I'm involved in this change-of-command parade for some Engineer commander, and it's a simple affair and the drills are relatively familiar, but they keep insisting that we need more rehearsals to sharpen us up! Repetitive and boring, but the interesting fact is that Joel is part of the marching contingent too. Hahaha.

I'm trying not to be discouraged completely. I'm trying to find grace to deal with all that negative emotions.

Luigi's Poltergust 4000 is my favourite character and vehicle in Mario Kart.


Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for

I FIND IT VERY UNFAIR WHEN PEOPLE ASSUME THAT EVERYTHING IS THE WAY IT IS NOW BECAUSE OF WHAT I SAY AND WHAT I DO AND THE WAY I ACT. CAN YOU STOP BEING SO MYOPIC?? DO I LOOK LIKE I ENJOY THE SITUATIONS THAT I'M IN NOW?? HOW ABOUT YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STORY FIRST BEFORE YOU START ACCUSING ME OF MOTIVES THAT I NEVER EVEN INTENDED IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE, IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME, YOU COME AND TELL ME IN MY FACE. YOU DON'T GO BITCHING WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND TELLING THE WHOLE WORLD THAT I'M UP TO SOMETHING EVIL. SO NOW ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE TELLING ME ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT DO, BUT DO I LOOK AS THOUGH I'M CONVINCED?? NO. BECAUSE NOW I THINK THE WHOLE WORLD IS BEING HYPOCRITICAL. WHO ARE YOU TO COME AND LECTURE ME WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN APPROACH ME IN A PROPER MANNER IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU JUST ACCUSE AND ACCUSE AND ACCUSE AND EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE FULL DETAILS AND YOU STILL WANT TO ACCUSE!! CAN YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH BEFORE YOU START HEAPING YOUR DISPLEASURE ON ME! YOU THINK I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE, YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE SOLUTION TO EVERYBODY'S HAPPINESS, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND THE WAY YOU HANDLE YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIPS, BECAUSE WHAT YOU CAN SAY ABOUT ME, I CAN JUST AS EASILY SAY ABOUT YOU.

I'M ANGRY!!! I'M VERY ANGRY!!!!!!

Waah. Okay yesterday was cycling at Pulau Ubin with Ben, David and Wilson! It was supposed to be recce trip for youth camp, but I don't think it felt like it because I explored parts of Ubin that I've never been before! Never gone as far as I did with the guys yesterday. The best thing was Chek Jawa, which I always wanted to visit but haven't done so. Except that it was afternoon and high tide by the time we reached, so nothing much to be seen.

Today's a study of Psalm 100 and 1 Timothy 4 during teen titans. I think reading God's Word is very important! I mean, it's a confirmation of everything that we're supposed to do, but I realised that part of the excitement comes from finding cross-references and trying to make it fit. Youth camp meeting, then had late lunch with David and Yurong at Thomson Plaza.

Here's Cookie Monster and me! I don't know why in the world there's a Cookie Monster on Ubin!! Was zooming downslope on bicycle when I spotted it, and had to force Ben to cycle back uphill just to take a photo with it hahaha! My fav Sesame Street character!

It's another fulfilling Friday night at church, but it left me zonked and dazed. Encouraged Yurong (worship leader) by being gentle and kind, talked to Tammy even though she was pissed. The topic for cell group was dating and relationships! Okay laaa the girls didn't scoff, which was amazing because I thought my own stuff were prosaic and passe! The material I based it on was good and relevant even though it's a decade old, but it didn't have the scope I wanted so I had to create some on my own. Then after cell group I decided to follow them down to the airport to see Aaron off! He's going Brunei, part of his army officer training. WHY NOBODY WENT AIRPORT TO SEE ME BEFORE I WENT THAILAND. Ate at Macs, then back to Bishan at 2am. Tomorrow is Pulau Ubin! How to wake up on time!!

I've been kept busy quite a bit for these past few days, due to various commitments. My email is bursting with activity and I'm trying to stay on top of everything! Okay to be completely honest, it's good because it takes my mind off things abit. I keep getting distracted by stuff that doesn't involve me even though it really should be the least of my concerns. Sometimes I think I have some insecurity problem about belonging, but then again all of us do get that every now and then.

In the past one month or so, I've started highlighting some verses in my Bible. Usually I don't have a habit of jotting down notes or keeping a spiritual journal or stuff like that. But I found this yellow highlighter in my pencil case which hasn't been used for years, so I resurrected its original purpose and put it inside my Bible. Except that it's prone to failing every now and then because it's really old.

I think it's somewhat unlike from what I used to do in Literature classes? Whenever I read some new poetry or prose or whatever, I tend to jot down some notes in my first reading, then go back and add some more after further analysis and so on. But with the Bible, I realised that I cannot really do that. The relevance and application and intepretation is different each time, even for the same familiar verses that I grew up with. Hence, a long time back, I decided to just keep it free from notes and let it surprise me each time.

From some friend's opinions and from lessons and whatever morsels that I've picked up: reading and learning and applying God's Word is important for growth in your Christian living. It's not a very hidden truth. I'm sure they stress it enough everywhere in church and you probably know that you ought to spend time not just with God, but with your Bible too. I can't speak for others, but I do have the capacity to make sure that I'm right with God and plugged in before I do anything else.

And of course, I'm very much aware that it's not about doing a million things in church and appear to be very busy and read up enough to be considered mature by people and make myself look good!! Ultimately it's the personal relationship with God that is first and foremost. I think it's very easy to get caught up with the doings after a while. And it's not about feeling God for the moment either. Going to church twice a week isn't enough food and fuel for growth!!

I need to keep reminding myself of all the reasons that I believe, and all the things I believe.

Worship - Psalm 100

v1, 2

-shout, make a joyful noise

-be happy!

v3

-acknowledge that He's God

-Creator, Saviour

-followers of Christ, each personal to Him

-Matthew 18:10-14

v4

-THANKSGIVING

-remembering what he's done, tell others, showing it, offering

-PRAISE

v5

-faithful, good to us all the time

who?

-worship God, but don't get caught up with how he can bless us and what he hasn't done for us

what?

-give God glory and offer ourselves as obedient sacrifices, whole life, not just worship sessions

when?

-can be anytime, but set aside time regularly too

where?

-anywhere, but go church too

why?

-God wants to hear us say we love him as offering, we need to say we love him to remind of who he is

I couldn't get to sleep last night, and I only went to bed at 5am this morning! Hahaha then my mum thought I was unhappy, because yesterday night I came home at midnight and the first thing I did was talk on the phone with a friend and she thought I had some problems with my life! No no no I'm very happy hahaha.

Eventful day today! Was with Samantha after her school ended, then I spent some time waiting at AMK Hub before going back to J8 to meet Ming Hui and Hui Min. Planning the programme and devotion sessions with them. Then I went to the library to get some work done because I've got some lessons to share this week. Stayed there till evening, when it was time to meet Dora! Asked her out for dinner because we both don't know what's happening in each other's life for the past 2 years.

It's a day well spent today. =)

Okay so I was lamenting that I spent nine consecutive hours in church last Sunday, and I realised this Sunday is worse, even though I don't have worship practice!! Joined in for Auntie Toh Tzu's teen titans thing, the "sinister" aim was for me to take charge of it and help out musically hahahaha I'm laughing at the word "sinister". Had a long leaders' meeting after that, went home for dinner with my sister while sitting in front of the TV criticising the Superband contestants, then I went back to church at 9pm for another worship meeting with Alicia and Mark. And the end result after I add up all the hours in church? TEN HOURS!! Not consecutively, but it's even more than last week's! My mum's not very happy that I keep running off there even though she's fine with me going church and stuff.

My phone's irritating me I've got many messages and calls from different people in the past 3 hours. And I realised I'm quite handicapped without my iPod! Nothing to fill in those boring segments of my life when I'm doing nothing, and I can't refer to my songs when I need them!!

Looking forward to all the things that are happening from now until the end of the year. First time in five years. Is this the supposed healing with the passage of time? Sigh hahaha I'm so used mulling and drooping and pulling a long face all the way till Christmas ends! Okay okay. Going Hong Kong, youth camp, combined youth event. I hope I stay good-looking through all of these.

Tomorrow's another busy day. Oh well. Be positive!

The world seems to be crumbling down around me! Okay maybe it's not that dramatic, but all of a sudden there's certain changes in some things, and everytime I read the newspapers it speaks of instability and turmoil, and all around me everyone seems to be struggling with some problems or disappointments in their lives.

And and, my iPod Touch got stolen while I was in camp doing guard duty! Hahaha how ironic I'm providing security but no one is there to secure my valuables. I'm not the only one, Danny lost $100! I'm surprisingly calm even though I should be angry and mad and cursing at the thief whom I don't even know where to start my accusations! Oh well what to do, I've made the necessary reports and checked with all my friends already. No music player for the time being.

Listening to the song "Mighty To Save" to lift my spirits. I sang that for worship about 3 months ago? But it suddenly seems very applicable when I think of why we continue believing even when things don't go our way.

Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations

Hari Raya Puasa today, and the customary trip to Khairi's place to celebrate it! Went with Chiew Yee, Kai Jie, Qiling and Khairi's friend Kevin. This is fast becoming some annual tradition: third time now in as many years. How time really flies. Food is awesome as usual, and the number of little kids and babies we play with each year increases as well! Oh oh, and I wore my baju kurung!

Some photos, the rest here.