Went out with Hector today. Hopped down to Beach Road's army market as I needed to get additional tubes of camouflage paint. The place was swamped with guys sporting shaved hair! I met Kay Kiat and Alvin (Catholic High school mate) there. Then we went for lunch and dessert. The peanut soup thingy is nice! After all that, took a bus to Funan Mall and I got myself an mp3 player! Haha it was meant to be a major reward for myself as I haven't been spending money unnecessarily since the start of this year so I've got a nice figure in my bank account and hence the reward. Got a Creative Zen Neeon 2. Then Hector went home, while I went to the library to borrow a bird watching photo guide. The birds in Tekong are demanding to be identified.

Tomorrow's going to be a busy day. Daniel and Kathryn's wedding ceremony in the morning. Then lunch or dinner with Eleanor. And I might be going out with my family. And I have to report at Pasir Ris by 1855 hours. I hope I have enough time for everything.

I got back in touch with my normal life today. I enjoyed all the previous things that I haven't got the chance to do since I became a soldier a month and a half ago. And it feels wonderful.

Went for Sunday service in the morning. First time I did so since 2 months I think, because I've slept through all my Sunday mornings so far. Then I went down to Vivo to meet Qiling. I ate Carl's Junior for the first time! Had a $5 voucher and coupons to get rid off. It was kinda good, except that I think their tartar sauce was super sour. Qiling thinks zucchinis are terrible; I think they're great. Then we shopped around for clothes, thrashy items, gifts. Queued half an hour for Vinco donuts! I think they are better than Donut Factory's, but Qiling strongly doesn't think so (although in the end she still got half a dozen for herself). Maybe it's because I tried Vinco first before I tried DF. And it was these two girls that I've never met before in my life who offered the donuts to me cos they can't finish it. I don't care Vinco is better than DF. Oh I got some antiseptic cream for my white spots on my face too. I've got pityriasis versicolor! It's just some benign fungal growth caused by some imbalance of oil or whatever crap on my face and neck. The woman at Guardian recommended me to eat alfalfa pills!! The last I heard, alfalfa is cultivated for horse food! So I had to hide my amusement while the woman kept promoting her pills. Then I showed her the tube of Zarlin cream I got off the shelf, and showed her the words "For treatment of RINGWORM, ATHLETES FOOT, PITYRIASIS VERSICOLOR and CANDIDIASIS", and I told her I'm going to use this cream, and she happily continued with her alfalfa. Whee.

I saw Adeline and Joanne and Ashley at Sentosa Station! But they were busy so I didn't go up and say hi. I miss work at Sentosa. And the girl who helped me search for cookies at Candy Empire quitted already! And I saw a Cookie Monster tee-shirt but it costs $39.90! Should I get it? Then I'll be tempted to get the Elmo and Ernie and Bart and The Count shirts also. Ugh. Oh on the bus home I met Scheerder Michael James. So far, I've been very determined not to meet any of my platoon mates over the weekends unless absolutely necessary. We eat, sleep, train and live with each other for one entire week (sometimes two weeks)! I don't particularly wish to meet them outside of my army life. But bumping into Mike on the bus is not a purposed meeting, so I shall be assured by that. Don't get me wrong. I like my platoon and everyone in it. Okay not everyone. Mostly.

The past few weeks has been a confusing one. I keep getting the feeling that this is not what I want to do. Every inch of my existence is striving or screaming for something different. I've got a zillion contrasting goals, aims, wants, directions, purposes. I don't know what I want to do. I'm weighing all my options like never before. I mean, I don't usually make that many important decisions! Okay actually I do. I've gotten stuck in life and death situations before. You'll have probably laughed out loud if I tell you I'm reserved and shy and conceited. But there's probably an equal amount of occasions when I'm taking charge, confident and selfless. And out in the front making important decisions.

I don't like getting thrusted into unfamiliar territory. Eh erm uhh okay this isn't exactly unfamiliar territory. I don't mind chaos and disorder. I like my circumstances to be as rowdy and ugly and disorganised as possible. I like to see myself adapt to those unkempt and dilapidated states of my life. Then I aim to flourish in those conditions. But I'm sure at the back of my head, there's still a substantial part of me that yearns for order and structure and familiarity. I just feel like giving up sometimes, but something always kept me going.

It's funny how your physical and mental bodies tell you contrasting stories. Your muscles may be screaming like nuts, but somehow your mental strength supersedes the physical pain, and you carry on. Or mentally, you've hit the pits but your physical self continues on in mindless repetitions. It is even more interesting to note the conflict between yourself and God. You tell yourself that you're incapable of executing such a task, but God tells you it can be done. You want something to be done, but God tells you otherwise. It's difficult trying to figure out your own physical and mental potentials already; and it's even worse trying to get yourself and God to work in tandem. It takes time.

Okay. Right now I shall step out in faith and hope for the best. I can't get my stirring thoughts to coagulate. Something tells me it's going to be good at the end of it all.

I've got the next 4 days free, cos it's Labour Day on Tuesday and I have an off-in-lieu for field camp. No need to worry about military junk. Haha if you knew me two or three months ago, I'd have told you that 4 days is a relatively short period of time. But now, it's the equivalent of a century. WHOOPEEDO. I'm going to enjoy my long weekend.

Anyway, the past 2 weeks I was stuck in Tekong without getting out, cos I had a 6-day field camp out in the trees. Only came back from the jungles yesterday, and by golly, am I glad to be back in my bunk and company line! Every week I'm looking forward to booking out and getting out of camp, but the jungles made me want to go back to my bunk and sleep in my mosquito net.
Okay. I shall begin with the previous week before the field camp. Came down with fever after coughing and wheezing for 2 weeks. Khairul (who's sleeping next to me) passed his germs to me and we went to report sick together. And my Platoon Commander (PC) made me platoon IC! Drats. All the sergeants and my PC gave me hell for 3 or 4 days, cos none of us are ever punctual and areas are always dirty and blah blah. And we were in a mad rush to prepare the stores for field camp, so I was constantly settling something. Fever got better despite all those stress.

And field camp! Everybody said I was extremely moody and melancholic during the entire 6 days out in the field. Yeah, to a certain extent I think so too. Was exempted from marching 8km to the first camp site cos of my fever, but I eventually completed my 8km when they did the corrective training on day 2 or 3 of field camp. First camp site was in a rubber tree plantation, then second was oil palm plantation, and on the last night was back at the old SISPEC camp. I'm a rubber tree fanatic, so naturally I was happier between the rubber trees. Yay.

And my PC basically made our training sessions hell. Okay it wasn't that bad, but he's demanding and determined to make us excel. We will repeat the drills and movements until we master them, and we will eat our combat rations while searching for blank rounds. Oh yar yes yes yes we got to fire blanks with our rifles! And learn how to flank the enemy and those sort of tactical things.

Rubber trees in plantations grow in a straight line, but we could never follow in that line. The oil palms were miserable. I hated the conditions there, mostly because the rubber trees were better-looking and there were slightly more wildlife there. The oil palms were dull and monotonous and devoid of dynamic colour (although there were more birds there). First 3 nights I was in a basha with my buddy. Then on the 4th night we had to dig our own shellscrapes (something like a trench) and sleep in the earth. To make things worse, we had to dig twice because of some crappy army rank-pulling thing. So by the time we had to dig our second shellscrape to sleep in, it was 8pm at night and we didn't even complete it by 10pm. My morale hit rock-bottom, and I was like on the edge of breaking. Hanson and An Ee kept me alive. I survived through the next day for urban warfare training, and finally got to sleep under a proper shelter with lights (training shed) on the last night.

Then our grand finale was Battle Innoculation Course, where we had to leopard crawl about 100m through obstacles and there are 3 or 4 machine gunners firing live rounds above our heads, to stimulate "battle conditions". Blee. That was fun but tiring and dirty.

I'm not used to the light and noise now!! In the field, it's almost total darkness by 8pm, and we are supposed to observe tactical discipline by not using flashlights or candles and we can't make too much noise. So for 6 days, I'm used to darkness and silence at night. And I can swear I've developed night vision or something, because I can change my underwear in the dark and not loose a single piece of equipment and pack my bag and everything. Now I'm trying to accustomise my eyes and ears to the sudden bombardment of light and noise back in the actual urbanised area!

And food wasn't that bad. Combat rations are not that bad. We know all the yummy and sucky ones already, especially dessert. All of us have our favourite drinks sachets or biscuits or whatever. I wanna eat eggs though! I haven't have eggs for one week already. I shall go fry some for breakfast tomorrow. Oh! I've learnt a new way of consuming my Milo and biscuits. And I like the Malties sweets.

And today we had grenade throwing practices, before we got out of Tekong. This time it feels more refreshing. Somehow. At the back of your mind, you remind yourself that you've survived 6 days outfield with lousy sanitation, food, shelter, and poor hygiene practices. Going back to my bunk bed was a luxury already, and coming back home is fit for a king. I've got so many cuts and insect bites on my weatherbeaten hands. Blisters on my foot. Dirt and grime everywhere. But I pulled through somehow, even though I was constantly choleric.

Shared a taxi with Hector and Darryl back to Bishan. Stopped by corps for cell group for a while. And seeing my parent's faces when I'm back home, that was priceless. There was genuine care and concern for me, and for once in my life, I felt proud to be their son.

But deep down, there's still crap in me. Deliberate avoidance, because it will hurt. That furtive look and nervous glance, because it will intensify all those unsettled scores. Why can't I ever have a proper resolution??

Ugh. I'm quite satisfied with what I have already. I've already given up on the things that I've deemed unattainable, no matter how appealing they may be. I'm proud of myself. I am content with what I have, with the people in my life who will stick by me through thick or thin. I don't need hypocritical ogres. Happy. And my relationship with God isn't the best, but it's relatively good.

Now let me go sleep on my bed and get used to the bright lights and noise of the city. I feel like a bloody villager from the rural kampung. And oh oh oh, brahminy kites, magpie robins, white-bellied sea eagles. I saw at least 5 of each in the past 2 weeks. I'm a lucky man.

This is going to be a long post.

By now, I suppose this blog is only going to be updated every weekend. I've spent one entire month in the Army already. That leaves another 23 months. Quite fast eh? I'm astounded by how the time has passed so quickly, but every single day seems like a drag. Just when you think you've accomplished a lot in one training period, you look at your watch and realise that it was only half an hour. But time flies when you've got nothing to do.

In a sense, the various trainings and courses and whatever else they've thrown at me has made me a better person now. I'm more confident of myself and my own physical capabilities! Whoopee. I'm not afraid of heights, but I won't voluntarily jump off from 2 metres off the ground. The psychological barrier is strong; if you are afraid to jump, 5 men couldn't push you off the platform. Kudos to the Army for the Standard Obstacle Course. I can climb a 2m wall, jump off barbed wires, balance more than 2m above ground and jump off.

The rest of Singapore's 18 or 19-year-old boys took the ferry into Tekong this week. These are the group of people who didn't fail their NAPFA, unlike me. But we have an additional advantage of one month's worth of experience over them. Boy, all the new enlistees look raw and untried and untested. Their skins are alabaster white, as if they were deprived of the sun. Those still with long hair or heads not shaven look girlish. Unshaven heads just look weird on Tekong (unless you are a sergeant or officer or some big rank bug). We snigger and make fun of them. They are issued the new brown teeshirts, so we call them the brownies. Haha! I remember the first day when I saw the first group of people enlisting, it gave me a morale-high. These guys really look so blur that they wouldn't last the first 3 days in camp. It gave me a certain morbid satisfaction to see them suffer. Of course, I forget the fact that about one month ago, I was like them. And while they are busy counting off the days to their first book out after the initial 2 weeks confinement period, we are busy taunting them with our "book out day song" every time we sight a lousy brownie. But they are quite fit. Fitter than us. At least they can do decent chin-ups. (I can too! I improved my tally to 7.)

That said, I met a lot of friends who enlisted this week! Old classmates from primary or secondary school classes, friends I met somewhere, Sentosa colleagues, JC people, from every conceivable continent.

Oh, we got to to draw out the real rifles this week. So far we've been using the blue dummy rifles, but this week we were taught how to assemble and strip the rifle parts, do drills with them, various shooting techniques and handling etc. I feel a sense of dread everytime I hold it, because I keep reminding myself that this is an actual weapon that can fire live ammunition that can kill and I keep picturing the bloody watermelon that they shot for target practice at the firing range.

And today, before we got to get out of Tekong, we had to complete our Basic Assault Course because we completed our Close Combat training. Easy enough, because we have to run about 100m through about 10 obstacles and "shout aggressively" all the way. But no one told me of the mud and dirt. Okay, we have to execute punches and rifle smashes and blows at the dummy targets, but we also have to crawl through mud and back-crawl into a ditch filled with muddy water with barbed wires above. And the ditch water is deep enough to reach your ears if you lie down flat. Gosh I've never seen my entire company so drenched-full of mud and sand and dirt before. My undies can squeeze out muddy water! Whoop. And my helmet and vest is so dirty that I gave up trying to make it look any cleaner. Did I mention? I got cut by the barbed wire thrice. MUD BATH!

Later when I was at the ferry terminal, I saw this poster with this caption: The mud on my face is my soil, our soil. And suddenly, I was filled with a strong sense of patriotism. The reason why I'm in National Service is because it's in the law books, but I realised too that I'm supposed to be that soldier to protect the nation. You know, after all those years of National Education in school, it has never achieved the same effect in me as the poster it did today. Amazing huh? My advice is, put all the school boys and girls in army slacks and give them a helmet each and get them to crawl through mud, telling them this is the earth, the country, the nation, that they're living on.

I'm going to stay as clean as possible for this weekend. To compensate for my mud crawling experience today. I'm going to keep myself smelling good and looking good and everything. Leave the sweaty bodies, oily hands, muddy fingers when I next book in.

Met Eleanor for breakfast at J8 in the morning. Her dad was nice enough to give me a lift all the way to Expo after that, cos I wanted to go for this book fair. Met Yurong and her friends. I bought 3 books for $10! Yurong spent $21 on thrashy hide-and-seek books. I hate those kind of stories hahaha. Then we went to some John Little mega sale. I came back to corps, went to buy sotong balls for the barbeque with Kenneth. Then had dinner at home before going down for the barbeque. Caught up with Tammy and Shi Hui! Tammy thinks I have the perfect "boyfriend shoulders" now.

I realised that I miss all my friends. I miss the silly, mundane things of my normal life outside army. I think military life is quite fun and entertaining sometimes, but it's governed by too much regimentation.

I'm in some melancholic mood again. I already gave up a long time ago, but I realised I still can't let go fully.

Alright, at this rate I'm going to be super emo. I shall just go to bed and forget about everything. I'm booking in again tomorrow evening.

Oh, before that, I'm going to do this survey thing thing because Tammy tagged me on her blog.


Each player of this game starts off by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who got tagged need to write in a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names.

1) I'll eat just about anything, except grapes. I think they are revolting. Speaking of which, I had a bad nightmare about grapes last night. I dreamt that I was at some vineyard in France and some French farmer was force-feeding me his most prized grapes.

2) When I drink Milo, it must be prepared in accordance to the "preferred Guan You method". I don't like it too thick, and I don't want it to diluted too. I like putting a pinch of sugar to make it slightly sweeter, but not too sweet. Ideally, hot Milo is good, but I don't mind iced Milo too. Adding milk or other equivalent dairy products is okay with me.

3) Cute, pretty girls with curly hair gives me the hots.

4) I can't squat with both my feet flat on the ground. I sort of tip-toe while squatting because if I were to force my heels flat to the ground, I'll lose my balance.

5) I hold a pen with three fingers and one thumb. Everybody tells me that I hold my pen in some strange manner, but I don't think it really matters as long as your handwriting is still legible.

6) I like the colour pink; I like ducks; I like Buttercup from the Powerpuff Girls.


6 people I tag - I can't think of 6 names. IF YOU'RE READING THIS, JUST COPY AND PASTE THE ENTIRE THING ONTO YOUR BLOG AND COMPLETE IT.

A long long time ago, I used to quote the phrase "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" to everyone who was feeling like crap. I stopped quoting it already, but I do remember that it was sort of my automatic magical phrase to console anyone on any circumstance. Somehow it didn't occur to me that those same words will come back to haunt me once again.

Indeed, as with all things, it's probably easier said than done. Feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness are one of the most vile times of a person's life. I got so caught up in it that I lost myself completely. I lost my focus, my direction, and I felt so darn insignificant. But today I realised that the guilt game is actually just an elaborate ploy to divert your attention. It's not about what you do, it's about who you are.

It's Good Friday today. I thank God for accepting me in spite of whatever that I've done. I feel treasured, protected, and worthy enough to lift up my head to live my life right. I know I never really got over those doubting thoughts (think Shannon), but I rest well knowing that there was never a single time when I was alone facing my turbulent moments. I feel like a van Gogh masterpiece stored in some maximum security museum.

Had cereal for breakfast in the morning, then I watched Spongebob Squarepants and Powerpuff Girls on TV. I think that is how you should start the morning every day! Then I basically bummed the entire day reading magazines and catching up on the news and sleeping. What a life. At least it beats physical trainings or falling in for area inspections or close combat trainings or what else.

Was with Eleanor at Northpoint's Starbucks for two hours in the late afternoon. There used to be a period of time when the two of us were actually quiet, reserved kids just hanging around doing nothing. Not today. We fooled around with dustbins, we went up to strangers to ask for their autographs, we held hands and skipped around as if we were attached. Gosh I miss those silly days.

Then I came home, only to go out again with my mum and my sister for dinner at Yoshinoya at J8. There's a billion flies in there! And I ate salmon and chicken, which was quite sickening because I'm eating fish or chicken in army everyday. My mum is afraid that I'll choose army food over her cooking.

Youth service! Somehow I feel kinda detached from church, like I haven't gone in ages and suddenly I find myself in some alien environment. Halfway through, Luke dropped by for a visit because he was in the area. Two years since I last met him?? And now he's enlisting for army on Monday, so it was the same old catching up, encouragements, telling stories, bemoaning relationship problems etc. Then went for supper.

I remember when I was about 9 or 10, my mum started giving me advice about dating and relationships and marriage. I think she was afraid I will indulge in pre-marital sex by the time I hit my teenage years. Anyway, at that point I grew up thinking that any girl I see on the street could very well be my future wife. Each girl I saw around my age, I began picturing her as the future Mrs Low in my head, with kids and a house and stuff like that. Eventually I stopped doing that because it became quite psychotic to keep up because I saw so many girls.

My platoon commander always gives us this advice about girls. He tells us to imagine each tree as a girl, then ask ourselves how many trees are there in the world. The world doesn't revolve around one tree, cos it's more like the world revolving with many trees. So if our girlfriends dump us or something like that, we should go look for another tree.

I think I'm quite silly. Trying to keep going forward when I've already reached a dead-end. Forget it. Quit it.

"soon"

Whee! I've got a long weekend ahead of me! Just booked out again this evening cos it's Good Friday tomorrow. I want to do a million things! I want to go shopping and eat and sleep and watch movie and play and come online and read and go buy stuff and spend time with my family and friends. I think my home is like a hotel to me now. I'm spending so much time at Tekong that I'm beginning to get used to life over there, and life outside there seems so foreign. Blee this is quite a bad sign.

Anyway, this week was physically intensive. I'm tired. Going from one training to another and to route marches and whatever abuse that my instructors are hurling at me. But I realised that my body is actually stronger than my mind, because somehow I managed to pull through healthy when three-quarters of my section have already reported sick. My buddy tells me that it's all in the mind. I shall stick to that axiom. I added 7km more to my routh march mileage. I have more muscle mass now! Amazing what 3 weeks of training can do for you hahahaha! And I've got some good friends already. And today we visited the live rifle firing range for a demo! AWESOME. I can't wait to learn everything.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about layers and foundations. I think a lot of things in life can be measured by the number of overlying blocks, just like any infrastructure. The more there are, the more majestic it is. And pretty soon it becomes one huge Lego stratigraphy. Intangible qualities like love, strength, perseverance, hope, belief, faith, etc etc. And everyday, through the things that we do, we are adding tiny Lego cubes to all these infrastructures. If the belief in our own capabilities fade away, the Lego blocks will be removed. So in a sense, there is a constant addition or subtraction of those Lego blocks.

Right now, I feel like smashing my own Lego buildings down.

I forgot to mention. I miss Nutseed! 2 weeks of not being able to see her. Sigh. She's getting old already and she's no longer as active as she used to. And she lost a lot of weight I think.

I'm booking in again to Tekong tonight. Suddenly I realised I'm actually looking forward to army life again. HORRORS.

Who wants to help me blog while I'm away? Tell me and I'll give you my passwords and you can help me check my emails too hahahaha.

Ooh! And I came across something in my computer documents. As in, I plain forgot that I stil have that picture. Haha! Here it goes:


She very pretty right?