I'm supposed to have a 8am literature lecture this morning, and I happily forgot to set my alarm and woke up at 8am instead, which makes it quite impossible to reach school before the lecture ends. But I see this as sort of a divine intervention? Because I was supposed to finish reading Great Gatsby for this lecture, but I mistook the schedule and I was halfway through Waiting For Godot, which isn't due for class discussion till 2 or 3 weeks later. Last night was a internal dilemma, should I stay up all night to finish reading it just for the lecture's sake, or should I just not bother. In the end I didn't go past page 5, and my only consolation is that the lecturer for today always puts up huge chunks of text as lecture notes, instead of Powerpoint presentation slides. So I can actually read through everything la.

And I kinda froze at a group presentation yesterday. Which is really really annoying, because I'd like to think that all vestiges of stage fright and public speaking fear shouldn't even be bothering me anymore? I thank my church ministries hahaha. I mean, I think I should have gained some courage from having to sing in front of a few hundred people, or speaking short messages and talking extensively, right? But my brain blocked and frozed and most of my speech was spent in stutters and trying to find the correct words to form my sentences. Then I took about 3 or 4 minutes too long for my part, and we were the last group, and there was a class waiting outside, and the tutor decided suddenly to adhere to the 20 minutes allocation, but some groups in front of us went beyond 30, and so we couldn't present our final section and the tutor was like "oh yeah I'll take this into consideration blah blah" and we were all feeling sigh haiz, and I kinda put it down on myself for my illogical presentation and horrible brain blocks and for taking too long, or else we could have finished it? Aargh.

Should at this point say something about an essay that I got back last week. My geog essay on population was graded A minus, and this piece of work was so last minute that a day before deadline, I was still stuck at 200 words out of a thousand. So this means I'm really really phenomenal right?? Hahahaha. Nah, I should have gotten a nasty grade and hopefully this will spur me to start immediately on my remaining projects and essays. But okay I'm starting research for the rest of my essays. Shall not succumb to last minute work again.

Mid-week, with a couple of free days, and it's been quite crazy so far. But happier.

I have four and a half webcasts to watch, 2 weeks of readings to catch up for two of my modules, and my readings for my tourism module is completely untouched. I think that will take some time to plough through. But I am up-to-date with all my assignments; my next slew of deadlines are only in the second half of March. I'm planning to start by next week, so I figured I'll be in good shape by then. And this is a big improvement from last semester, when at this same juncture into the term, I haven't even printed 20% of my readings yet. I will catch up over this weekend and I shall be on top of things. It's only week 6, I still can bring some semblance of studying consistently into my "routine" student life.

I realised it's not that I haven't been checking my emails regularly in the past two weeks, but more of I have not been replying much of them. A lot of it were read, but they weren't answered. I kept them so that I can reply another time. So today I got down to business and tried to clear the backlog, but I gave up at the 4th or 5th. Oh well.

And I realised why my guitar kept going out of tune. The machine head which usually strings G, the screw chipped the wood abit, so it's kinda loose. Then the tuning peg is jiggly too. Which adds up to a really stiff turn once it is in tension. Hahaha I considered bringing it for a small repair today, to fix all the other niggly problems too, but okay la I think I can live with all these small defects for now. I now own nothing valuable which hasn't been chipped or scratched or damaged at least once before, which is really good because I won't get so attached to them anymore.

Was at Janice and Roxanne's match today, and this is the first time that they've lost while I was there supporting. So far all the matches and friendlies I've went, they've won or at least tied the game. I now understand better how God must have felt when I've been out there, fighting on my own strength and putting him on the sidelines, when all he really wanted for me was to go to him and just dwell in his strength. Love's a really strange thing.

The first two days of this week has been kinda exhausting, cos of emotional turmoil and long hours in school yesterday and insufficient sleep and too much upheaval. Glad for the times when there are small breaks in between to take a breather. And not to mention the God-sent people who made a difference in their perspectives and concern and prayers. Okay I shall keep praying too.

Hmm. I've got a list of to-do things, but the list has remained largely untouched and I'm making very little progress. I'm either procrastinating, or there's really no time to do it on that day, or I tried to use my lousy mood as a justification to not do them, or I escape from them by going to do something else. Okay no more, shall be disciplined and get them done. Enough is enough.

And, my guitar suffered the biggest mishap today since I bought it. The guitar strap came loose from the bolt,  my hands were completely busy with something else, so it went crash bang kaboom. There's now some small  stress cracks, some of the machine heads are too stiff or too loose, a bit of the finish is worn, and generally it's not holding tune very well. I am sad. Hahaha. Okay la there were already several small dents and knocks and quite a lot of glue stains prior to The Big Fall. But still very haizzzzzz. Never mind, once again it taught me not to place my faith in inanimate objects, nor would they last forever, and I'll probably not care so much about the next few knocks. And maybe a new Taylor or Gibson too? =P

I'm kinda delaying what needs to be done, but I really don't know how to go about doing it. And my grand plans of studying during recess week is now in shambles because I just realised it's Wednesday now and I haven't done much all week. And don't look like I'm going to be doing much in the next few days too.

You know, it does gives me some kind of semblance to still hold on, but I really really think that I've dropped off the bandwagon. It's okay, the world can move on and I'll just take my time to be still for a while. Thanks thanks thanks again to all those who showed their concern, it really helps.

I think that deep down inside, there's always that sense of uncertainty and insecurity that refuses to go away. It's kinda inherent; no matter how successful you may be, once in a while everyone is made to feel worthless and unimportant. That's where we find our worth in God? And I think there's really no reason trying to compare who's in a more dire state than you are. One man's meat is another's poison. What I find innocuous to me may be someone else's envy. I can be nonchalent about something which I've already taken for granted, but it is an indication of fortunate circumstances to someone less blessed than me.

I know I'm not really helping myself, but it's just that streak of pride as always. Thank God for the people that came my way, and for you too. I always like to think that God is as ordered as He always is. Structured, stratified, systematic. Once in a while He allows for miracles, but He's still the same. "If design govern in a thing so small".

Chinese New Year's been pretty quiet these few years, largely cos my dad has been working these few days. And this year's especially crucial because the Sentosa resort's opening was on the first day. But okay la was at my grandma's place this afternoon. If not I've been watching more TV than I've ever been in the past two years combined?

Hmm. Happy for one thing. But what's next?

4:42am, and I finally finished a 1000-word population geography essay which I have succeeded in delaying until two days before the deadline. Extremely last minute, but I think I did a good job. And this included huge periods of time wasted and teaching tuition and watching a netball match.

I want to faster go heaven. Tired of earth.

There are times in my life when it's a very clear choice between taking it up or leaving it. Certain things can be as clear-cut as they can be, with very little deliberating. And for the majority of the times that I'm able to make a immediate decision on the move, it has usually to do with my strong convictions (or distinct lack of) in the belief of something. Makes sense right? I believe blah blah is right, so I think I will do blah blah.

I like to remain in the opinion that I still am the same person with the same passions and convictions as I had half a year ago. Or put it even more recently, 3 months ago. Now, I just feel like I've backed away from a lot of what I said I will do but didn't, and what I will not do but now I think I might.

Faltered and believed and wavered and trusted and bruised and healed and torn and mended. What a cyclical, never-ending journey. It's really really time for a change.

I just saved my fish's life. Hahaha. I've got about 7 or 8 goldfishes or dunno what kind of orange/red fish, don't really know the type. And the biggest fish in the aquarium (and also the meanest bully) somehow ended up on the floor in front of the aquarium. I didn't even know it fell out! All I heard was occasional flapping sounds for about 10 minutes, before I checked it out and saw the fish. So I got it into the net and put it back in the aquarium tank. Hahaha I don't like that fish! It always fights for all the food and chases all the other fishes around, by virtue of its size. But now it's hiding in the big barrel thing in the aquarium and being totally sullen and mild-mannered.

Quite an experience isn't it. Haha most of the time my dad's the one who takes care of them. But I guess that's all how we feel sometimes? I think countless times I've felt like a fish out of water, and needed that extra help to get me back into the aquarium. Think I'm getting very disillusioned and cranky with a lot of things. Fish out of water. I need my comfortable ambient surrounding.

Undignified 2010 at Grace Methodist Church last night was good. Kinda makes me wonder what if we have their amount of resources and capacity to be like that. And I tried to bring that into my playing today. Imagining the Lord's face through my offering of music.

Kinda left the Youth Alpha book on my desk and forgot totally about it. But at closing to 3am now, I've got the lesson fleshed out and I'm ready to go. The guilty thought that's bugging me is that it wouldn't be as prepared as I would like it to be.

I feel like getting new guitars and new gear! I want to buy different guitar pedals to form a pedalboard because I think the idea of having many colourful objects in shapes and sizes is a very cool thing. Hahaha I'm pretty sure I need a better reason to justify the frivolous want of colourful things. But yeah my current guitar and stuffs are pretty sufficient for acoustic rhythms. And unless I really really really go head-on into guitaring seriously, I think it'll just end up a waste of money.

I've been mightily dissatisfied with a lot of things, and I think I've been riled up more times than I could remember. Really really don't like this unpleasant feeling, and my resolve from the previous big bust-up has been to be as clear-headed as possible. But each time, it always seems like it's not likely to happen. And when I try to be zen, it tends to be aiya forget it we don't have the capacity or resource or commitment. Seriously. Where am I heading on this?

The only reprieve that I get, comes from positive characters, changing attitudes and faith-growing love from my cell members. They really do keep me going.

Time now is 2am and I've got a lecture at 8am, and I've gotta be up by 6am latest to get ready and to beat the morning traffic. It hasn't really hit me yet, but I seriously think this semester will get to be very urghh, because of all the times that I'll be caught in the busy traffic periods! Getting to school or going home can take 45 minutes if the buses are in favour, but that time is vehemently doubled when I least want it to.

And I'm supposed to have been asleep much earlier! But I'm been bumming the whole day and getting more sleep than I really need. Hahaha. I'm trying to reason it off, but this cannot happen for the rest of the weeks! Think I'll just die trying to stay awake in my lectures. I need someone who can be very peremptory about this, like "go sleep means go sleep, no more dilly-dallying". My mum gave up trying already, and yup she's been very good at being mumsy these few days, because I'm getting a lot of flak for returning home late or not helping with chores (which I really really forgot). But okay laa, today I'm the best boy in the world hahaha I stayed home the whole day and I did everything without her asking.

My readings for this semester are 70% printed, but yet to start reading any yet. It's bad because it's the end of the second week, which means I'm two weeks behind schedule for everything. But okay la, I will make it up. Last sem I was four weeks behind hahaha. Spent close to a hundred on all my textbooks and notes and what all. But it's offsetted slightly some old books that I managed to sell.

What if something I want to do clearly violates my own personal beliefs, but I still feel like I want to try it out? If I really want to eke out a conciliatory explanation, I think it's possible la. But I don't really want to do it, at the same time I feel like being emotions-driven.

And I ssuppose I'm just trying to type as many things as I can, because I don't really want to sleep. Hahahaha. Much as all these are as irrelevant as all these can get. Leading worship this Sunday, and I've yet to think and plan much. Normally it would be done by this time of the week, but I've really got no impetus to start. Guitar's in corps too and I'm too lazy to bring it home. Well I have the ukulele but it doesn't quite cut it right? Hehh.

Okayy. Really time for bed.

I managed to survive my first most unearthly school day for this semester. It was 8am to 6pm, which means that I'm caught in both the morning and evening traffic! Bus travelling time took 3 hours in total. And it was a major achievement for me to be awake at 5.45am this morning! But this was partly due to a massive six hour break in which I ate, slept, met friends, went online, bought books, read notes, walked around aimlessly, and everything that I could do in school.

And I think, today marks the first proper conversation that I've had with a person that I've ignored for the past 5 years.

This semester is slightly crazier, I will have two 8am lectures, which means I will have to wake up at unearthly hours just to fight the morning traffic and be at school on time. And two lectures that end at 6pm too! Which means caught in evening traffic and wasting time on the bus trip home. So, just to survive through this semester, I will need to sleep early every Tues and Thurs night! And I will stay in school till 7 or 8pm on the late days so that I can get some work done.

Back to the books and notes! Aargh how I wish everyday's a holiday.

Played lead guitar for service again today, and I'm just thankful for the triads advice from Meng Ren. I used to just raarrr don't care I will barre chord everything and jang jang jang, but now it's only 3 notes on distortion. Totally not used to the new chord structures, and it's like undoing all my favourite "lazy" chords and picking up guitar all over again! But yep everything went well, and at 4am on Saturday I was still Fire Fall Downing. Nice nice hahaha.

One of my few resolutions for this year is to improve my guitar playing and let it become something automatic. I want to be able to truly connect with God while leading or playing for worship without having to trouble about what's happening on the guitar. Too often I'm like "here we go what chord next oh no oh no it's wrong" and then I miss the whole element of trying to worship myself, because I'm so concerned about that instrument distraction. Easier for me to just lead without playing la hahaha, but I think playing-singing is a worthy skill that I can work on.

Amazed at how Hillsong leaders can just plug and go, and they play without scores, and they know exactly what to do for each song and all the correct lyrics and notes and chords. I'm sure it takes hours of practice, and they probably all sleep with metronomes under their pillows just to get that impeccable sense of timing. But yeah, it'll be something that I will work on =)

I headed into the beginning of this week without having any engagements or anything significant planned. Which is really good because I don't really feel like doing anything either, because school is starting again next week. Spent the last 2 days helping Coleman paint his room, together with a lot of other people. Done already, and furniture's back in place.

Attacked by the "haiya sian" feeling again. Sometimes I really wonder if it is all worthwhile sinking my time and energy into it, and consequently falling headlog into that same process and finding that nobody really appreciates it. But, all for the Lord la. Not the first time I'm being discouraged, and I sort of understand now what goes around comes around too. Sounds especially familiar, I was like that too, weren't I. Haiya. Sian.

And I don't know whether I should stay at home or go out tomorrow!! When I stay at home, my mum tells me to go outside and lookabout and walkaround and get a life. When I go out and stay out till late hours into the night, she says I'm not spending enough time at home. Aarghhhhh.

On a happier note. In the process of bidding for my modules now! I'll be doing three geography, one literature and one more (hopefully) music. Hahaha. Really thankful for that lit module, for the way things fell nicely into place and how it all worked out. I didn't take it last semester because the lecture was on a Monday, which I wanted it free. Silly reason, but it was a great choice because they included King Lear and Great Gatsby this semester! Lear, I've done it for two years in preparation for A's, and I just revisited it last year for my tuition assignment. Gatsby, read it a long long time ago but forgot the story already.

I'm like three or four days into the new year already, and I realised I spent most of those days preparing, practising and/or leading worship! Which means I've got sore fingers from playing too much guitar and I'm constantly thirsty because sing a lot too. But alright la they all went fine, which is really great considering that I was a complete wreck at 5am last night, trying desperately to work out the links and whatnot. This morning's a blast, think it's the first time I've seen such activity in the congregation, it took me quite aback. And, the team's great haha actually they were more or less the same group of people through all four days, cos everyone's on holiday.

And watchnight service with stayover was quite eventful too! Managed to last through the night with captain's ball and hide and seek in the auditorium. Silly games but okay la, ECP in the morning, for Bedok Jetty to watch sunrise. The highlight was one of the vans breaking down along the expressway! But all was fine and dandy and fun. My sleeping patterns are very irregular now, I'm alternating between lack of sleep and loads of sleep, so I don't really know which is which, I'm just grateful for sleep.

Okay, I have a week till school term starts again. Bidding for modules now haha.

Haha my posts are like, once a week now. I just realised that I have a few draft posts that never got posted! Probably because internet wasn't working and I was too busy to come back to post. Anyway, that was about Janice Roxanne Cheyenne's netball game at Pasir Ris Crest, and Eunice Andrea and myself went down (thanks to Auntie Adeline who fetched us there) to support. And another one involves my results for the previous school semester! I did quite okay la, but when I received my result I have no idea whether to be happy or sad, because I didn't know what was good or what was bad! But after asking Matthew, now I know. Satisfied la heh!

I really really do want to spend more time blogging! But nowadays when I come online I'm just on email and on MSN, and occasionally on Plurk and Facebook. Or else I'm mostly out of house enjoying my holiday free time. It's really great not to be studying! But there's still some work to be done la, and I cannot imagine what it will be like when school term begins again, it'll be back to rushing and late nights and early mornings and loads of work and very little time. Been going out a lot these few days. And, my table is full of birthday presents and Christmas presents and cards! Very messy, but I'm lazy to clear it and I haven't got the time too.

And without me realising it, the year has crept by once again. Staring at the beginnings of next year. Time really flew! Okay I shall leave the reminiscing post for 1 January. I'm just sleepy now. Watchnite service tomorrow, then stayover! And worship leading tomorrow, Friday, and on Sunday, on all the covenant signing services too hahaha. Last year I was similarly involved in worship leadings and messages and stuff, so I didn't have a formal chance to sign all my covenant cards during service time. I shall try again next year.

This year's Christmas was more Christmasy than last year's, largely due to carolling and more activities to do. On Christmas Eve we were travelling all over to different families to celebrate with them with our songs. I realised that there are still a lot of corps people that I've never talked to in all my years there. And the terrible thing is, people more often recognise and know me, but I'm at a loss at who they are. So I'm striving to be more sociable and talk more to people. But back to carolling, it's a great experience and I really enjoy sharing the happiness of Christmas. Thanks to Debra who gave me motivation to push for it this year, although I didn't plan it haha.

And actual Christmas day for the past few years was typically service in the morning, followed by frenzied huntings of which Christmas card and gift belongs to whom. But this year I just sat there and I didn't move, because I mailed out all my Christmas cards in advance! I've kinda given up trying to get presents for everyone, cos I realised if I'm lazy then that person will just get a soft toy, which is not the most practical gift ever. Cards are the way to go, with sincere messages. Hahaha! Thanks to all for all the cards, presents and well-wishes.

In the evening was Ms Angelin Wong's wedding dinner! What a day to choose to get married! But yeah it was a really joyous occasion, and the dinner was splendid. Great catching up with old classmates and old teachers too, haha it was quite pleasant to meet some of my former teachers (who still remember me). Five years since I graduated! I'm really really old.

Merry Christmas. It's nearing end of the year again, time to rest and reflect.

Weekend was spent doing all the Christmas-ie stuff! Hahaha. There was a Sunday School party going on yesterday, and my cell group was helping with the decorations, games and worship segment. Saturday was doing up the Christmas tree, blowing up tonnes of balloons and decorating the hall with whatever stuff we could find. And the actual party was woahh quite rowdy, but the children enjoyed it. Worship was interactive hahaha I managed to find impromptu volunteers to help me with drums.

And in the midst of it all, there was a kettling slot available on Saturday, as there was a cancellation and someone had to fill the time slot. A few of us went down to ring the bell at AMK Hub. And, in the evening, it was carolling at Sin Ming block 26 and at Ardmore Park! Both were equally blessed, it was quite an exposure at block 26 to get to talk to the less-fortunate, sing carols and pray for them. Ardmore Park was like some hotel haha, and it was just as nice to sing for them and bring cheer to their party.

Okay, I aim to finish up my Christmas cards today, and mail them all out.