Took to the stage leading worship yesterday for the first time in 5 months on a Sunday morning. It's been a long break, and I'm not very certain if the break was well-spent or not. Hmm, in any case I haven't been leading worship a lot this year too, compared to like say in the past 2 years? There were times when no sooner had I just cleared the iPod playlist for a particular worship set, I have to create a new playlist for another set for the next week! There are strikingly none of those for this year, which in a way is good and bad because I missed what I enjoyed, but I enjoyed what I missed too.

Have you ever had the feeling that you're no longer equipped or in control of something just because you've been absent from it for a long time? And the bigger your share of the pie previously, the larger the void you have to fill when you return to it again. I felt like I no longer had the authority to stand on the Sunday stage and lead? I can't remember when was the last time I sat in the congregation during worship, which made it even more appalling and undeserving that I should lead. Past few weeks that I've been in church, I admit I was kinda just there to play guitar for Mark/Alicia.

I was listening to yesterday's recording, and it felt really awkward. Not that the the music wasn't good, it was really awesome, but something's just missing there la. I know it's probably attributed to me. The heart is not entirely lost, and I'd like to believe that I still want to be that vessel or reflector or channel or conduit here? It's getting harder to focus, and it's a constant struggle between what I desire and what I think God desires. Peace I need.

Quite heavy a mental load that's festering in my mind about Bangladesh, but I don't know where to begin and I'm not entirely sure what I really got out of it too. There's a thing about these kind of "awareness" trips which gives you a stripped-down peripheralistic view of the essentialities of life. And right now I really really feel like there's a bigger fish to fry. It's almost like a guilt trip when I think about what I have which they have not, but more than anything else, my biggest takeaway was to learn to receive? Have to know how to love and put faith in the God that loves. Felt like royalty there, flowers and attention and service and importance, which no doubt was was difficult to accept, and even harder to comprehend the amount of idolatry put into my own golden calves. But thank God for opening my eyes to see the work that needs to be done, and somewhere out there was another soft prompting to keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting, keep yearning.

And they told me my sponsored child's name Priya means sweet-heart! Was sleepless and an utter wreck the night before the meeting because I had no idea what to expect. My first impression of her when the small group of us appeared at her house, she ran down the lane saying hello to all of us (including me) and I was like, does she recognise me at all? Perhaps it's our relatively small age difference, and maybe because I hang out with 13s to 15s occasionally, but definitely cos she's really friendly and charming, and she could understand English very well, so we didn't ran out of things to say and so it didn't cut across as awkward. Glad to meet her and to know that she's fine and keeping well. Makes for better letter chatter in future.

Bangladesh was not very hot (though much like Singapore), but much more humid and moving air was stymied, so I perspired buckets. I've had the opportunity to see three amazing sunsets since I returned, one for every consecutive day that I was back in Singapore. That to me is a testament of how each day is really a miraculous gift from God, and all I have to do is receive it and make the best of it? Three sunsets!! I hardly have time to notice even one in a month.

Sponsor a child through World Vision today!

Will be away at Bangladesh from tomorrow Sunday evening till next Sunday early morning. Kinda looking forward to it, and really wanting to meet my adopted child! Hmm I'm like 80 or 90% packed and ready to go, but I'm super sleepy and all I want to do now is just go to bed and zzzzz.

Shall do just that. Nights.

I'm neglecting this thought-space which I used to really frequent. And it's no excuse because my exams are over and I'm getting more sleep now than I've ever been getting since the start of this year! Which brings me to another dreary question: why do I always think about blogging only in the wee hours of the morning? Time on the laptop says 4:42am currently, and I'm sleepless. Has to be somewhat due to the vanilla latte about 5 or 6 hours ago? But oh well, sleepless means sleepless. Tossing and turning in bed hardly makes it any easier, when your mind is racing with so many thoughts.

I am agitated and frustrated and all riled up. To say that I'm feeling any lesser than that really masks the intensity of my emotions now? It is like uurgh!!!! I cannot believe the gross glossing over of details, and I find it really hard to find meaning and purpose especially when it was something that I've stood by so firmly (and dare I say passionately?) for the past 2 years. Okay I need to cool down and be more astute, and I might have misread the intentions.

So now I'm stuck in this mire. Should I strive to not strive, or is there a bigger fish to fry?

It's 2:27am and I'm just done skimming through my readings and notes for tomorrow's paper. It's an opened book test, and I've decided to lug in my last semester's cultural studies notes in too because there's some gems in there which I could definitely use. And my professors for that module last sem were brilliant, for most of the important readings they've given a quick summary and a blow-by-blow recount of the salient arguments of the major writers. So I've got academic readings and academic commentaries on the academic readings and the additional academic new readings on the academic commentaries and academic readings. Haha is this unfair advantage or what. Oh well, opened book, anything goes.

Happily called Victor just now to make sure that the schools in Bukit Timah stretch aren't functioning tomorrow. That means half an hour more sleep for me, which is crucial for a 9am paper. Nights.

I'm four done and down, with one more to spare on Monday 9am. I guess I really should be thankful for the exams, because I took things a bit too for granted and ended up in a frenzied studying each day before my geography modules. I'm never going to try squeezing more than three geog modules in a semester again, because the combined contents are bordering on overwhelming, and I keep getting the information mixed up across the modules. It turned out quite okay during the exams though, not the most prepared and not the most confident, but it's doable enough and I've had ample opportunities to invent theories and occurences and nonsensical analyses. I was almost late on three of the four so far too, it's always a frantic rush trying to find my seat. Thanks to Yicheng for the chance encounter and the brolly when I really needed it.

And now I am tending towards the "exams are over!!!" attitude, because my last paper is an opened book test and I have not much idea how am I supposed to prepare for it. I'm planning to lug my cultural studies stuff into the exam hall, because they're packed full with race, ethnicity, gender, all that stuff.

Time for bed. It's been a long week.