I have recently accumulated more than 1000 stored emails in my Gmail account. The oldest one dates all the way back to April 2004! The marvellous thing about Gmail is that I never have to worry about space. At the bottom of the page it says I am "currently using 933MB (12%) of your 7342MB." I know of friends who are using 60% of that space, so I'm definitely not maximising my Gmail hahaha!

The actual email count is actually higher than 1000. This is because Gmail automatically groups all email replies and forwards under the same topic heading. So if I send out an email on "fri worship" and I get 20 replies under that topic heading, Gmail will lump it all into one single thread so that I will not need to open 20 separate message threads.

But I seriously doubt if I'm ever going to refer to even 1% of those 1000 stored emails again. About 30% of those emails are devotional emails, because I always just scan through them and I will keep the more interesting ones for future reading. Of course, that future never comes! I've kept some of those forwarded emails from friends, things like funny pictures or jokes or whatever else. And the rest are church work-related, or school-related (remnants of my secondary and JC education). Those are simply for my reference.

Which is why I sometimes wonder what is the point of keeping all these old emails if I'm never going to refer to them again?? The useful emails are those sent out by worship leaders with guitar chords to songs. Every time I need chords, I will just run a search for that song. But for the rest, it just accumulates cyber-dust and makes my email count seem like I'm a busy man.

And this is why I've also resolved to read and reply all emails as soon as they appear! It's so easy for me to take the daily devotionals for granted, for example, because it appears every day and the tendency is to just skim through it. But I forced myself to read through everything every day, because I know that if I keep it for reading another day, I will probably never do so in the end. And whatever emails that requires response, I will settle it as soon as I see it. The amount of new emails can really go crazy sometimes, and I've tried to make use of Gmail's features to organise and label my emails. Of course, on the other end, I'm a guilty culprit to sending lots of emails too! My reasoning is that emailing is free, unlike calling or SMS-ing! And it's relatively convenient too, so why not make use of it?

But Colonel Burridge put it across quite succintly last week: have we lost the art of conversation? Too often I prefer to email rather than talk things out with someone. Mostly because my thoughts process flow better when I'm writing than when I'm speaking, and I can't find a lot of time (and patience) to sit down for a chat, and when I've got something to say, it is simpler to visualise words on the screen than intangible thoughts on my mind! It's easier to send an angry email than to talk things through. Am I hiding behind the computer screen? I wouldn't mind reading long email essays about different points of view, compared to a face-to-face meeting. Am I being too flippant in my dealings with people?

I should probably be the first to initiate a no-email-day. Three days for every week, I will not log in into my email at all. Hahaha I think I will just end up killing myself over the work load that ensues. Every time I clear ten emails, ten more appears. RAHH.

I'm a bad employee for today! Hahaha I overslept this morning and I ended up being 4 hours late for work. Then lunch time just now I met up with Khairi and I was half an hour late consequently. And I lost my access card! It has always been in my bag, I have no idea where I misplaced it and I don't know why it's lost. Aargh I am normally not a person who loses things, but it has to happen from time to time and I'm quite annoyed at all the inconveniences.

Weekend was packed full. Saturday's amazing race for territorial combined event, which went quite well really. It rained but we weren't affected by it! And at night was birthday celebration for Nick at Pasir Ris. And Sunday after service was a long worship prac for YP Sunday. And dinner with family at night. Very tired and busy! Which may explain why I overslept!

Okay. I think I've caught a slight cold. Transformers 2 tonight with Priscilla!

Last night capped a week of visitations! Monday night at Commissioner Lim's house, Tuesday night at Sam's, Wednesday at my grandma's place, then last night at Janice's. It's a slight coincidence that this week is like that, I just went accordingly to my weekday evening schedule and slotted in the appointments. But it's good la, to tear myself away from staying at work or staying at home. I still have a lot of things to do! Okay maybe not a lot to do, but they are all nagging away at my thoughts and a constant burden on my mind. I need to clear my head abit.

I REALLY FEEL LIKE BLOGGING ABOUT SOMETHING HAHAHAHA IT'S VERY FUNNY BUT CANNOT IT'S A SECRET HAHAHA LATER I BETRAY YOU!

I am a bit upset at the way things are going. All these last minute stuff could have been prevented. Everything is still so disorganised and murky! And I realised that it's slow across the board. Haiyo. Thankfully I'm still on track, but I need to speed up. VERY BUSY ALL OF A SUDDEN. I take back what I said about a slow start to the week. I'm just numb la I got no time to be unhappy, which is both a good and bad thing I suppose?

Fully packed for the rest of June. Ready to go.

For the past few weeks my Mondays and Tuesdays were really hectic and bursting to the seams with various work and meetings! At the start of every week I usually have a long to-do list which I need to settle by certain deadlines. And I will really need to go all out to clear them, because next week will be another set of them! I've sort of realised the importance of getting things done quickly, and then spend my remaining time trying to improve refine perfect revise the task. And it's quite funny, because I rush everything at the start of the week and by Friday I would have completed most of everything and I've got nothing much left to do.

But this week is kinda more free than usual. I don't have any major assignments, mostly because I've done them the week before already. And whatever remnants are all the small small irritating stuff that I hate to do, because I'm a big things person hahaha. But I'm thankful for the lesser work, it's been a really busy month and I need to slow down abit.

After work ended today, Jolene came over to my house for dinner! It was quite nice to invite someone over, and an additional mouth to taste my mum's cooking. Then we went over to Samantha's house for a house visit. Got to talk to Uncle Raymond and Auntie Dorothy, whom I don't really talk to even on Sundays. We hung out in Sam's room and found out from Amelia some funny sibling stories! Haha okay at the expense of Sam's embarrassment, but Jolene and I enjoyed ourselves la.

And guess what came in the mail today? World Vision Bangladesh sent the annual report, and included inside was a photograph of Priya! Last year they were almost half a year late, I think it had to do my sign-up being in December and administration procedures. But this year's is right on time, and timely for my life too. I really needed that encouragement to give purpose to everything that I'm doing now. Priya is like more than 3000km away, but she's got no idea how much of a blessing she is to me. Beyond the squiggly Bengali characters that I can't read, and beyond all the crayon drawings that she sends.

Aaahh heart melt and breakdown.

It was a somewhat muted weekend, for starters I didn't have anything heavy-going on schedule.
Was at a worship band dynamics at Grace Methodist Church last night, if not it was pretty much hanging around or lazing about. But it was a very busy week last week, right till Friday! I figured if I reached Friday I am quite safe.

And was just back from Commissioner Lim's place. Decided to go down for a visit, Yurong came along, and also with the intention of passing some stuff to Cadets Fiona and Andrew too. I've got plans to go to two more houses this week!

Okay. Should sleep soon.

Extremely tired and busy, barely had time to get a breather today. It's appointments and meetings day! Went to Gracehaven, YOG office, Colonel Burridge's office. And had to give a short presentation for staff devotions this morning, which I did not really prepare for. Was scurrying around the whole office today, and travelling outside from central to north to south to central!

Last night was barbeque at church, then A Walk To Remember, then miscellaneous games. It was terrible because the night before I slept for 3 hours only, but I ended up staying over at church till 2am, so I'm really suffering from lack of sleep now.

Feeling kinda lazy, and in no mood to do anything. My mind's a contemptuous stir and it's cantankerous for most parts of today.

I think I was kinda abit too spacey today. Very distracted about a lot of things, partly because I am really very busy and I have a lot of stuff to do. Some of them are really huge and significant, but it's the not so important ones that are driving me nuts! So many things to take care of. I have time on my hand to do all of these, but I feel very bad that I'm hardly spending time at home with my family and I'm neglecting some people in my life.

And it got so bad that there were literally explosions in my head! This afternoon was out with Kenny and Capt Hary to settle the water bottle souvenirs, and I realised I couldn't concentrate at all on the conversations that were exchanged, because there were so many other things racing through my head. And in the evening was dinner with Capt Hary and Esther and three other guys whom I've never met before. Royston, JJ and Joshua, they volunteered for some Malaysian camp last year, and this dinner is meant to be a treat and for catching up with them. I had very little impetus to go actually! I had a headache and I don't even know them and I wasn't even part of the camp! But good that I went la, it cleared my mind somewhat.

Something was said about pride today. What I think should be done may not be what must be done. I keep saying that I don't want to impose and make decisions, but I realised that I tend to get very judgemental. I think my blood has been boiling more times than I could imagine these few days. Now I'm just numb la, but this really isn't me la. Where's the joy and purpose?

And I want to thank God for nice SMS-es that came my way yesterday and today. Those that were perennial didn't disappoint, but those that weren't were a surprise. I realised I took for granted a lot of things.

Returned home from Kuching last night, was there with Captain Hary for a youth leaders training programme and a Sunday School workshop that was organised for the folks at Kuching Corps. And it rounded off with Sunday service which Capt was preaching the message. We had time to visit Kampung Budaya (Sarawak cultural village) and dropped by the Children's Home too.

It was a blessed time for me. Got to meet some of the youths whom I have previously came across in photographs but never knew who they were. They were very friendly people to talk to and do stuff with, and I'm really honoured to join them for their youth and Sunday service. Also got to meet some of Cadet Fiona's family members. I've heard so much about her family (even though I barely know her) and each time I meet another sibling of hers, I'm like "oh okay another brother/sister, why are they so pervasive"!

And this kinda frees me up for the rest of June. Midway into the month now, but it's two-thirds over for me! I haven't really got a proper rest since coming back from Tamil Camp two weeks ago, weekdays I'm working and weekday night meetings and past 3 weekends I've been mostly away from home.

I kinda broke down last night, because throughout my time in Kuching, I think that God is really trying to say something to me. I've been thinking that my busy hectic June schedule isn't an accident. I'm really glad that I got to be a part of Tamil Camp and Kuching, meeting new friends and the activities, it's taught me so much about gratitude and humility. I keep complaining and getting upset with so many things, but look, whose faith is it that is really being tested here? I don't think I can still put to claim a lot of my gripes and walk away without feeling guilty. It's a wholly different world out there, and I really saw God's plans and providence through each life and each circumstance.

And it was really awkward to say goodbye to the youths, both at Tamil Camp and Kuching! It's the kind of farewell that is neither here nor there. I've barely known them for more than three days, so we've got nothing much to say to each other, but they all say goodbye with a passion and a fervence! Not because they are eager to get rid of me haha. I'm older than most of them, and they all treat me like some big korkor, and I'm shy and they are shy too. I really do hope I will get to meet them again some other time. The testimonies came from Tamil Camp about how they really enjoyed themselves and how they all want to be like Captain Hary and like Guan You, and I'm astounded because I can barely understand what happened when everything was in Tamil, and no no no don't be like me please I didn't do anything except to lead the games!

Which was why I've really seen God's goodness through this two overseas trips. I can't put it in words la, and three days observations in a total stranger's life don't do justice to any judgements, but God is there in the big picture, in their lives.

Some pictures, the rest should be on Facebook and/or Ipernity.

The start of this week was quite daunting actually. On paper it looked as though the only personal time I have were for sleeping! But I'm so glad to reach mid-week without crumbling. Work and meeting and work and meeting and work and meeting. My email accounts are hyperactive drives this week.

All these without sacrificing too much family time to talk to my mum and irritate my sister. But my dad is elusive. He's either busy at work or asleep when I'm home.

Off to Kuching tonight, will be back on Sunday.

Today was Botanical Gardens with the Sunday School pre-teens. Aiyo too many of them why are there new faces all the time? I went there to eat and mill around only. Or just to talk to Eunice Celine Sam who were there too. This picture is from Sam, I was reading Clifford the red dog to Titus.

I've realised that the tears come much more easily these days, and it's not crying like outright crying la it's just tears welling up in your eyes, you know. For whatever reasons la, emotional or physical or mental or spiritual, however you put it. But I think it's hard to take away something that you are passionate for. I don't put my faith in anything or anyone else, I want to put it firmly in God and the Bible and I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Leaders' retreat at William Booth Corps last night and whole of today. I am just, like that lor. Haiz.

Busy week coming ahead. I feel like I'm sort of neglecting the 13 and 14 year olds. A few things today reminded me that there are so many things worth fighting for.

I was scribbling down all my important dates for June, and it was only then that I realised how busy I will be! The good thing is that I have already started planning for all of them way in advance, so whatever that happens now is just to show up on that day, and maybe to take care of some small details. And June is one-third over! Okay at least for me, because Tamil Camp is over so that's one of the three important activities gone.

I read Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday's papers all in one go yesterday. Shows you how busy I am, that I don't even have time to keep up with news. But today is good, I read today's papers today!

I don't know what I'm feeling now. Just numb? I don't really care anymore la.

And I want to put the duckie iron-on patches on my Bible.

It felt better to just speak whatever that was on my heart and get a reassuring reply that I am not alone in this. Even if nothing much is going to be done about this, it was good to get it out of the way and not to keep that frustration inside me. To me it's a reminder to me again of how God works when He wants to and when He needs to. I need to be more patient, I can't see the big picture, I can't reconcile with so many things, but in the end it turned out good.

Sigh. How? I am uuughh! But okay trust, obey, respect, love.

Back from Tamil Youth Camp at Port Dickson! All the worship songs and all the messages were in Tamil and I could barely understand any thing! Unless one of the officers is translating for me, or whoever is speaking injects some English into their speech. But thank God that any other informal or personal conversations I had, most of them could speak English so I still made friends. People were really friendly and always smiling and they would take the initiative to talk to me, which made it really welcoming for me because I'm the only Chinese there. But I sort of just shortened all their names for them, or I called them by their nicknames. I had diarrhoea trying to adapt to the food, but that was just once and it was kinda mild. Indian worship was quite a new thing for me, they only have one drum pad and one keyboard but the music is very very driven and active. Two important words I learnt: stotrum is praise God, aranthenai is worship the Lord.

But all in all it was a really good experience, God's still real even if I cannot understand Tamil. And one thing I really went home with was strengthening of my own faith? Because some of their testimonies make my situation seem pretty insignificant. Liet-Col Prema is a real blessing in my life. I'm very tired and worn out, partly because I haven't had a good rest yet, but there's so many things to do and I'm back in office first thing this morning and Kuching is next on the list!

Some pictures, the rest are Capt Hary's or in my Ipernity account.

I'm grumpy tired of a lot of things. Tomorrow going to Malaysia but I haven't even started packing yet. Not a lot of things to bring laa it's just a weekend trip.

Bright side of the day includes meeting up with Vanessa for guitar! She knows more or less how to play already I'm just giving her all my resources cos she says she doesn't have chords.

Okay. Should really go and pack.

Today's a very very very demoralising day. Things are moving slower than a turtle! So I thought I will speed things up and carry the turtle all the way to the finishing line. But then I'm like three-quarters away from the finishing line already and then the turtle suddenly flip upside down! Cannot move! So it's disqualified! And need to start all over again! What is this stupid thing! Haiya I give up laa I thought I was doing everyone a favour but then all my work came to waste and I have to restart. Let it be laa I'm not in charge also.

But I'm happy today because I made an effort to not mop around. People were nice to me too hahahaha. Today is David's first day at Central Corps working, and it was good because I'm usually quite anti-social when it comes to lunch with colleagues but today was a legitimate reason to go lunch with him. And I felt like I know a little bit more things than he did, so I was like the old bird and it made me more superior hahaha. And I got very amused with the 14-year-olds, they're like totally in their own world and I'm really priviledged to be part of it.

Rubberduckzilla! The duck that doesn't like water! Hahahahaha this is sooo for me.

800th post, and I feel that I'm not doing this blog justice because I'm kinda too tired to put up a happy post. Today's a scheduled get-out-of-office day! I arranged all my appointments and meetings on this day so that I can get a legitimate reason to leave early from work. Lunch with Clarissa at Tanglin Mall, then we went back to SYOG building cos I have a meeting there. After that I went down to The Haven for a visit. Rachel's birthday today! And it was to Changi Airport to go pick Dezmand who's back from Europe.

I took four taxi trips today. I spent $45.75 in total. The last one to airport was the most wallet-tearing. It was west to east and during peak hour and there were intermittent jams. But halfway through I was like haiyaa no point la it's just money, so I tried to read a book instead.

I think I'm just being unrationally upset. And I think I'm being very selfish. But everyone is selfish wad. I think I don't fit in or belong. I'm concerned with things that nobody is concerned with anyway. But I'm quite secure in my own world. Today was a perfect example of how efforts don't pay off. Okay bye.

Sighh. The whole of last week I was telling myself to stay focus, take one thing at a time, do one thing at a time. And now that the busy weekend is over, what's next? Everything went pretty fine, and I thank the Lord for seeing me through all of those. The take-home message for me was to trust in His strength and trust in God's Word and trust even when you can't see what's at the bottom of the pit. And I feel slightly ashamed, because I know very well what all these means. I've said enough myself about commitment and surrendering and all of these, but above everything else I feel like being selfish and just run away.

Today, as I was doing all the necessary filing and updating, I'm wondering what really is the point. No I'm not losing focus, but I realised that it's so easy to get complacent when you do not place the significance of everything in something. Okay another victory chalked up for God, another chord sheet in my file, another update, another sermon notes addition, another lesson learnt, another experience point, but what's it really for?? I've learnt something, I'm a notch higher in my growth chart, I can feel the Lord's presence through this. It's really easy to say all these for myself, but can I claim that for another person too?

Haiyaa I don't know laa. A couple of surprise activities during the weekend which I didn't plan for when I was falling headlog into it. Dansen called me on Saturday night to ask if I was still going for the Sec 4 gathering, and I was like OH NOO because I completely forgot all about it. But good thing it was Alex's house, which was a 15 minute walk from my house! Five years since I graduated from Catholic High, and some of them friends I haven't met since that time too. Great catching up.

And yesterday after service was movies with Celine, Sam and her brother Reuben. I've got this to show! Hahaha very cute!

I don't want to go heaven so early and sing song too. I feel like I have a very long way from becoming the person that God wants me to be. And I haven't done enough to develop myself or to develop others. Not that I'm thinking that I need to earn my way into heaven, but I want to see more people committed to Christ and I want to help others to live to be and I want to see more lives changed impacted immersed transformed. Going heaven is a good thing, but not so quick.

I Can Only Imagine on repeat.