Breakfast with Khairul this morning! We had Macs at J8, then we went to Coffee Bean and that picture above was me and my mudpie. And shopping after that, which resulted in a million silly things which I wanted to buy.

Yesterday was "catch up with friends" day! I messaged Christine Koh cos I haven't seen or talked to her in a long time. Then there was Eileen too! And at night, Suting called me out of the blue and we chatted on the phone for quite long. To be honest I had to think for quite some time before I could remember how I met anyone with the name Suting.

I'm terribly unfit! I forced myself to run 5km this morning to build some stamina. And I did chin-ups! I realised it has been at least 2 months since I last went near a chin-up bar cos I couldn't grip it with a severely injured finger. My golly I couldn't even do one decent pull now!

Oh. I lost weight too. I lost like 4kg in the past 3 months. I don't know why or how because as far as I know of, I've been eating and sleeping regularly enough.

I'm trying desperately to finish the book that I've been stuck at since August. "Ursula, Under", by Ingrid Hill. Don't get me wrong it's a lovely book, but I just can't seem to find enough time to finish it.

It's amazing how the human mind works in terms of perceptions and emotions. You and your friend can both be, say, watching the same TV show, but both of you might arrive at conclusive thoughts and feelings which are vastly different. That's the magnificent profoundity of the intellectual capabilities of a human being's brain. Each and every person walking and breathing on this earth right now has the ability to think for himself and to have an unique opinion of his own. And it is scary to think this way, that we all have an inimitable and unequivocal mind of our own.

Multiply that by a few million times to see the bigger picture. It is therefore no wonder that there has been so many historical clashes with just mere words alone. I'm not even starting on theological disagreements or ideological or morals or gender or religion or any of that yet. Eh okay actually they are all related, aren't they? There is a quarrel in the first place only because there is a disparity between what people were thinking. And since you always have a choice to choose what you want to believe in, that's how you get wars and crusades and campaigns and protests and such.

And so it is with relish that I recently began to realize the significance of how different things can stimulate and engage your brain. You know how it goes when you read a book, and it reminds you of something? Or how you are listening to a song and it spawns an entire thought train process, of something, anything, or even nothing at all? It's that kind of thing that frightens me. After a while, when you start to think that there must be some things that does not require you to have any emotions at all, you come to the epiphany that there is no such thing. Every single event is a trigger for some sort of feeling.

That's why I think the word evocative is sometimes misused. If you say literature is evocative, you're trying to convey the message that there's so many thoughts and feelings going through your mind that you cannot possibly pinpoint a particularly specific emotion. But that is not true, because EVERYTHING is evocative in its own right. Even the simplest of all sentences can evoke feelings miles and light years that can render themselves with alarmingly abstruse and recondite clarity. I'll list one example: "Jesus wept." That is the shortest verse in the Bible, but the implications behind the grammatically-correct sentence are still powerful.

I recently bought a new album. Vienna Boys' Choir! I saw it at HMV the other day, and it was a largely impulsive decision to purchase it. I'm lost for words as to how best I should describe it. The closest is still "virginal", which me, Khairi and Jeffery Angus decided a long long time ago (refer to entry dated 22092006). It's like, multitudes of angels singing in chorale. Child-like. Wonderfully splendid. Engaging the heart, soul and mind all at the same time.

And in that album is the song "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", originally from The Wizard of Oz which dates back several decades ago. The song's simplest of simplest lyrics reminds us of all the hopeful retreats that we all long to have. I don't know about any of you, but doesn't it sound a bit too plaintive and melancholic? Like, despite all the wishes and dreams, it is painfully sorrowful in the way that none of those dreams could ever be in reality. It's a bit like my pursuit for idyllic pastures theory, isn't it? Deep down you long for it but it will never be there for you. So sad!!

I genuinely believe that it's a song powerful enough to make you cry. Yeah I already did, when I heard Connie Talbot's rendition of it a few months back with Faith on her laptop. It's on Youtube! Then now there's the Vienna Boys' Choir one, which is also symbolic enough given their lofty voices. But I still like Connie Talbot's one! Every note of her singing is tugging at the taut strings of my mind, and it's turning into a boggling topsy turvy of amazement and wonder.

Alternatively, if none of those appeals to you, you can always opt for Salad Fingers' one. HAHAHA that's if you're mentally unstable and need something disturbing.

And here are the lyrics, for my easy reference and for yours too.



"Somewhere Over the Rainbow"

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Today is the stupidest day ever. By right today was supposed to be an entire day off from army for me, but they reduced it to half day instead because according to the schedule there was some safety seminar that we have to attend. And so I went back camp in the afternoon, only to find that the seminar's cancelled, and they've got nothing for us in replacement, and there wasn't dinner for us, so they sent us out for a nights off. Weh!! I could have had one whole day off! Eh okay la the rest of my platoon had fun with games, but I was helping my PC do her NCC Camp things again. I feel used. Like, doing so much admin planning that I'm not even supposed to be touching when I'm not even a commander. RAHH. I WANT TO GET OUT OF ARMY THEY DON'T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING AND I DON'T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING IN THERE TOO!!!

On the brighter side, my day was saved by breakfast with Yurong! We went KAP to relish our A'Level studying days hahaha, and I heard my hated train song again, and we went Cold Storage (how low can you go!), and we went looking for DVDs to watch at Video Ezy but didn't get anything, and we went to the KAP basement carpark to hunt for the MacDonald's van! Oh oh we ate sushi too hahaha I can't seem to get enough of sushi. And on an equally bright side, I went out for dinner with Eleanor! I asked five different people whether they wanted dinner, but they all weren't free for the evening. Well okay it was kinda last-minute, but I felt so sad cos no one wanted to have dinner with me!! But thank God for wonderful people like Eleanor who just rushed out of house the moment I asked her out. She really rushed out okay she was in some ugly faded pyjamas top and messy hair!!! Heh but she still looks effortlessly pretty I don't know how or why. We went Ang Mo Kio for dinner. Chicken chop was good.

Alrighty I gotta go off back to camp. This sucks.

Here's an existential rant on everything about me that I feel will go a long way towards validating my imprints on this earth. Okay maybe not everything about me. But it's somewhat about me. Me and my character traits. And what the hell I didn't even come up with half of this adjectives and descriptions! It's what the people have been saying about me. Which, in my opinion, just goes on to prove my point that there is no way you can "know yourself best", because you can never know yourself best when your friends (even the least acquainted ones) sees the real, outer you, and knows you best.

Alright here we go!


What they say: I'm relationships / commitments phobic!
Who said that: Chiew Yee, Qiling, Jaslyn, my mum.
What I say: Hmm. I haven't noticed it myself, but on hindsight I realised that it's probably quite true! I mean, it didn't take very long for me to reflect on past relationships or failed friendships to see where the link is. And the more I sift through my personal history with The Opposite Sex, the more I get what they mean about me being afraid to commit to a certain planned future. Let's face it I'm not the kind of guy who likes getting tied down, or being bonded to something, or anything idealistic. In a sense I wouldn't say that is healthy, but hey if you've been through what I've been through, you would find it hard to commit to anything too! I'm serious about that. Try going through what I've been through, and if you come out a different product then I'll emulate from you. Okay or maybe my biased mindset is just stuck on "all things are fleeting and ephemeral and there's no point creating a alliance with anything".
My conclusive retort: What they say is quite true. But but but, I don't shun away from all commitments! Generally, as a guideline, I dislike long-term plans with PEOPLE, but if it's anything non-animate, it's okay.


What they say: I'm highly indecisive!
Who said that: My parents, and three-quarters of the people that know me
What I say: Yeah yeah I know that has been one of my vices that breaks me as a human being. I've been told that I can't make snappy decisions in my choices, which ranges mostly from what to eat and what to wear and where to go, that kind of thing. I've been scolded at, for my inability to come to a definitive conclusion about my thoughts and feelings. I've been told that I take too long to arrive at decisions. I've been told that I'm too easily influenced sometimes by alternative views, and that results in my indecisiveness too. But I put it down to my easy-going nature. Here comes my "plastic bag theory": be a plastic bag and let the wind blow you everywhere! So, do not fret about what to eat, because you'll eventually be blown to some restaurant!
My conclusive retort: Be a plastic bag! But don't just put me down as some freak who can't make up his mind. I've made some of my wisest choices through indecision. Slow and steady wins the race. Sometimes the long mulling times adds precaution and perspective.


What they say: I trivialise and downplay all things dull and mundane.
Who said that: Sherwin.
What I say: This is the first time I've heard of such a remark! Sherwin claims that I find almost everything insignificant of my attention, and I don't bother remembering the finer details of, say, a conversation. In short, I tend to forget little minute details like passing remarks, small incidents, my friend's sister's age and name, etc. etc. And whatever that is supposed to be significant, it's just normal happenings in my eyes. Okay yar sometimes I do forget such things, but are you telling me that everybody remembers them!! I mean, I can't possibly remember every single small detail of a minor argument, or something like that! And he also said I trivialise great, life-changing events! Cos I lost his beret for our passing-out parade for our course, and I didn't see what the deal was all about until he said that it was a significant moment to him (when it obviously wasn't to me! Parades?? BAHHH).
My conclusive retort: What crap!! Sherwin's being ridiculous. I'm not unobservant, and I certainly do not trivialise all things. On the contrary, I think I've got one of the keenest observations ever! The poetic observance of details, the implications of things, the ability to appreciate certain elements, and the acute sense of hindsight and foresight. It's more like you ain't got my style you momonie!


What they say: I'm easily satisfied!
Who said that: Ben Ng, and most recently, Priscilla.
What I say: Here's another thing that I don't notice about myself, but the moment they said it and I thought of it, I realised that it's highly true. My pursuit for enjoyment lies in objects or activities that are actually very simplistic by nature. If it's something that I want to do, and I've just completed it, I'd feel very happy. Like, for instance, eating sushi! It's never something that I know that can't be attained. Rather, it's always the small small things that keeps me happy and contented. But that can be a bad thing too. Because I'm so easily satisfied with the bare minimums, it takes a lot more to get me angry. Instances like, bad customer service, I will tend to overlook it. That's why you won't find me in forums bitching about rude people, or writing hate letters. It's more like, I want to congratulate all 2734 of your hotel staff for outstanding service, then I'll proceed to the next twenty different hotels and do the same.
My conclusive retort: I think everybody will find it extremely easy to pacify and placate me! Brownie points for my future girlfriend. But don't ever ask me out for like, gourmet sessions. Because I eat almost everything edible, and it takes exceptionally horrible food to make me gag. Even if it's average-tasting, it'll be nice to me.


What they say: I will make a good leader!
Who said that: The whole world!!!!!! (hahaha I can't remember who)
What I say: Nah I do okay only. I know if I try and be humble then I don't befit all the occasions when people entrust jobs-of-importance to me because they think I'm trustworthy and reliable enough to complete it. Whenever I feel like crap, Eleanor starts listing down every major thing that I've achieved. That's what I like about her, because she's frank enough about such things and she makes you feel good about yourself. In my opinion I think she makes a better leader than I am, but I'm side-tracking hahahaha.
My conclusive retort: Okay let's see. My greatest abilities all revolves around planning and execution of something major. I do motivation somewhat okay, I've got some whack-ass creativity when I decide to use it, and I speak well enough and I write good enough too. So put me in some form of planning and co-ordination and I'll get things done for you.


There you go! I've got one more actually, but that's about me being weird and silly, and I don't wanna write about that hahahahaha!! Cos I know I'm weird and silly sometimes. Why doesn't someone say I'm cute instead?? Hee hee hee!

And it's breakfast with Yurong tomorrow! Then I'll be booking in back to camp. Don't miss me guys and girls!

(x) been in love
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of your parent's house
( ) been arrested
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) skipped school
(x) seen someone die
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) lain on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake/tremor
( ) been through a hurricane
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) liked the way I look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) questioned my heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
( ) swum in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons
( ) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed a party
( ) gone roller-skating
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
(x) kissed a fish
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
( ) believe in ghosts
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes
(x) jumped into a pool/hot tub/lake with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
(x) cheated on a test
(x) cheated on a lover
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) French braided someone's hair
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool
(x) have had a fantasy over someone you love as a good friend
( ) sun tanned naked
( ) ran naked in the rain

Ooh this is kinda cool. Like, you know, kinda cooool.

Eh arh erm okay here's what I did on Saturday and Sunday! Which is also yesterday and today! It's jam-packed with cool funky activities, with cool funky friends, and with cool funky incidents! Ahhhhh this is my idea of a perfect weekend! Oh oh oh here we go!

Saturday, 20th October 2007

Went out with Khairul! We decided to go Marina Square to catch a movie. We chose Superbad! I didn't know it was rated M18! I thought all along that it was just some simple innocent movie, but hell it wasn't!! Hahaha the stupidest thing was Khairul didn't know it was M18 too, and he didn't bring any identification stating his age. But he had his SAFRA card which has his IC number. Hmm the movie's somewhat like a precocious prodigy. That's like the best I could describe it. I mean, it's vulgar and crude and crass in its own right, but deep down it's a bit nostalgic and moralistic and humane also. Whack-ass funny! Okie. Then we went to Carl's Junior for some food, walked around a bit, blah blah doing nothing.

Ohh I must mention this! There was this small mobile thing thing in the mould of animals at Marina Square, and it's safe enough for kids to ride on top of it and let them steer it around. You know what I'm talking about?? Haiz never mind it's just one of those rides thing thing except that you can drive it around. Anyway, this girl that was steering this huge smack-ass donkey drove straight into me!!! Then I was super shocked so I tried to push it away but I realised that the donkey crap thing wasn't as light as it seemed, and the little girl ACCELERATED SOME MORE oh my gosh I was pushed back into this directory sign and she still didn't stop. Then her mum panicked and stopped the girl. And that was how I escaped from sinister girl and evil donkey.

Sunday, 21st October 2007

Went for Sunday service in the morning! First time I did in months. I'm either on guard duty for the past few Sundays, or I couldn't wake up on time, or I'm lazy, but for today it took massive resolve to wake up early.

And after that I went to Ang Mo Kio to meet up with Priscilla! Whoopee last time I saw her was months ago too. Our adventure for the day was to hunt down some obscure sushi restaurant and go for sushi buffet!! Oh my gosh I've been wanting sushi buffet for the longest time! We found Suki Sushi, but it was 99 cents per plate, but it's okay too cos in the end I didn't really eat a lot too HAHAHAHA. So, good thing it wasn't buffet. Then we went exploring at AMK Hub! I was trying to search for magnets for my locker, but it somehow ended up with Priscilla getting a Mickey Mouse water bottle meant for kids. Okay I did get a small shovel truck magnet. And we went to eat ice cream at Andersen's! Eh I ate most of it and she just watched. We saw an elephant mascot for UOB too!! HAHAHA that's just like about the silliest thing ever. OOH I bumped into Jia Mein and Linus over there!! Then Pris left for home, while I went further up AMK Central to buy dinner home for my mum and sis.

And conveniently after dinner, Sing Hun called me to go out for a drink with her! Eh drinking as in drinking, not drinking! As in, nothing alcoholic! So we went to Thomson Plaza and there was some Thai eatery and I got coffee cappuccino while she had lime juice. Then we spent the next hour walking around Thomson Plaza aimlessly, then we walked down Upper Thomson Road aimlessly, walked one big round aimlessly, before taking the bus home. Then I walked her in halfway to her home, which is also Tammy's home, and wow I like the condo's scenery!! There's junipers planted by the side of the walkway and there's some fountain thingy and the whole place looks enchanted in the darkness.

Ahh that's not all. After I came home I talked to Chiew Yee on the phone! Okay I just put down the phone goodness knows how long we talked, but I think it was around two hours! Her phone kept dying. Haha we haven't done this in a long long time.

Time that I started this entry: 23:30pm. Time, after me typing all these, and interrupted for two hours after I started talking to Chiew Yee: 02:34am.

Howdy. Here are some pictures. Then I'm going to be needing some sleep.


The elephant man for UOB! Pris helped me take this hahahahaha.


Belgian Choc Chip at Denmark's.


Drinks with Sing Hun!


The kids go crazy with elephant man. He's the elephant god!!!!!

And with the end of this week, I've also finally reached the end of my Bridging Pioneer Course! Whoopee. Although my role is kinda muted, blurred and strange, all three at once. You see, there was the boat package, then rafting, then anchorage. Technically speaking I'm supposed to be able to do all three, but my original section assignment was anchorage. But now that I'm my PC's runner, I don't know if this is permanent or whatever or whatsoever. I don't know what's my full job scope. Wah forget it la.

Anyway, we had a 3-day outfield exercise which acted as a summary for our ending of the course. Okay strictly speaking it's 2 days and 2 nights, but it lasted over the duration of 3 days. Oh gosh the terrain was stupid it was clayey mud, so when it rained (which it did) everything became sticky mud. I was PC runner, so throughout the whole exercise I spent half my time sitting in the land rover to manage the radio comms set. Which left me with very little sleep on both nights cos I must report back every hour and the stupid phone kept ringing and a million errands. And then I have to carry the heavy signal set everywhere I go. And I have to read all the documents stamped with RESTRICTED or CONFIDENTIAL, know all the groupings and taskings, know what is going on, blah blah blah.

And when we came back on Wednesday, it was maintenance of all the stores and vehicles. But my PC made me plan this NCC camp thing because she's conducting it and she has a million other things to do, so I have to come up with games and plan an Amazing Race styled treasure hunt, all from scratch!! RAAHHH. Give me washing and greasing any time. Pure headache just trying to refer to old documents for safety plans, and it's even more of a headache trying to come up with the proposed games!

That's it. I'm three-quarters into being operationally ready. Yeah the most significant (and most stupid) thing was me cutting my own finger, so deep that I can't do a million things and so that was maybe why I became runner too. But my finger's looking a lot better now! For the first time I see a stretch of unbroken flesh across the tip of my finger, when previously the cut seemed like it didn't join up. Look out Guan You's gonna be back now that his finger is largely okay hahahahahaha.

And I went church for youth service today! Been at least a month since I last went, due mainly to later book-out times for the past few weeks, and fatigue. New addition to my small cell group, and we talked about the unlikeliest of things.

Heck I'm lacking a deadly amount of sleep! Slept like a total of 4 hours for the 3-day exercise, and even when we got back there was the NCC camp thing to plan and vehicle maintenance. I want my sleeeeeep!!

Sorry. Bimbotic post.

I'm going to share with you a random thought that I had over the course of this week. And the topic's about weather, which is interesting in itself without overdoing the geographic aspects. Okay here we go. This week has been largely cloudy for almost every day, except for one or two potential thunderstorm that didn't quite make it, and one freakish thunderstorm that tore huge branches off trees and uprooted several smaller plants. And I was caught in that freakish thunderstorm, so I was thoroughly drenched for one day. Anyway, the thing is, I started thinking about how it would be really cool if clouds are essentially (and really) faeces of angels! HAHAHAHA! Wouldn't that be awesome! Those fluffy white things you see in the sky are actually gigantic lumps of crap! That would combine clouds and angels into an unassailable relationship of celestial artistic harmony!

Hahaha that's what you get when I become overtly philosophical, to the extent of ludicrous and crass stupidity. And I was happily congratulating myself for such an idiotic thought, when someone asked me what if it were to rain and we were caught outside with no shelter? Wouldn't we be drenched in the water that issued from the clouds, which are also angels' faeces!!! HAHAHAHA okay that sounds a bit disgusting imagine getting caught in flying diarrhoea HAHAHAHAHA!

Okay. That was my playful moment of silly indulgence.

Now time for another matter. Since I published the "Samantha" poem two weeks ago, it's as if all hell broke loose. Hahaha is this what you call controversial poetry?? I've got two different friends who came up to me and informed me that they both have another friend with the same name Samantha, whom is a ballerina no less. Blee. Coincidence?? How many Samanthas are there out there who practices ballet (because I don't think the two real-life Samantha ballerinas are related, or the same person). The first friend accused me of being secretly in love with her Samantha friend, which I have no idea how she even looks like in the first place. The second friend said she and her Samantha friend read the poem together and were struck speechless and uncomfortable.

So once again, I didn't write that based on anybody I know of, and I certainly am not in love with anyone!! Samantha was just a convenient name for my own sake. Why a ballerina? Because I'm impressed by the way they move with effortless grace. And as for why I'm writing about stripping a girl, it was just for pure experimental basis. It's not meant to be explicit or pornographic or erotic! There's a deeper meaning behind Samantha, and if it's anything it should be more sensual than sexy.

I don't understand the outrage. Since no girls in my real life would allow me to strip them without crying "rape", why can't all of you just allow me to strip another, albeit in an imaginary poem! RAHHH!!

Here's Samantha (II) to shut all of you up. I think I like this one better. And if I'm in the mood, I'll keep adding on to the Samantha series.



Samantha (II)

She's asleep, dressed
in a gown with tiny butterfly prints all over
the pink fabric;
her favourite colour
and a representation of hope.

On the brown couch that I was sitting on too
she rested her tired head on my laps
thinking
dreaming
of fishes swimming against the current,
her hair messy and askew
in the manner that happens when we all
lay our heads down.

Awed at the way how she mastered
the art of being graceful in movement
and in stillness.

Transfixed, at how her inhales and exhales
of her toned tummy
sustains her
while awake and asleep,
the wonderful mechanisms of her body,
of feats she'd never imagine.

One would stand back and wonder
if God took time aside to craft her
specially,
her beauty seemingly
endless, eternal
encased in just that splendid moment.

I reached for her hands
clasped together daintily
as if she were never asleep
and caressed it gently.

Samantha
in her sleep
dreams of reaching her hands (with mine)
into the water
to feel the fishes,
to feel them tickling
like baby birds waiting for worms.

All the while
the fishes continue swimming against the current
in pursuit
of the immortality that they believed
at the end of the river,
which Samantha endearingly told them of.

Another fulfilling and fun day today! Went to Beach Road this afternoon with Kay Hwa to get some army stuff for my summary exercise. I don't know what the hell are "arc of firesticks" and "umbrella pins" cos I've never seen or used them before, but Beach Road has everything remotely related to army so I've got those items. Ooh we met Shi Yao and his girlfriend there! And my PC (platoon commander) too! Haha kinda weird. Oh did I mention I'm my PC's runner now? Crap I didn't even know until she just revealed it two days ago. It's something like a personal assistant. My first assignment was to do up a map which took me 4 hours to complete. Blee.

Anyway, I digress. After Beach Road, I went down to Boon Lay to meet up with Jaslyn, Kai Jie, Chiew Yee and Qiling! Khairi invited us over to his house for Hari Raya again, so we all gladly took up the offer. Chiew Yee drove us there. And it's glorious food all over again, just like last year! I think I prefer Malay and Indian cuisine much more than my own Chinese cuisine. Seriously I should just marry some Indian girl. Ooh and Khairi's friend Jonathan joined us too. And this little boy started grabbing my hand just to wish me Selamat Hari Raya! Hahaha awesome I love little kids.

Then we all left for home, but I accompanied Qiling to go cut her fringe at Yew Tee. She's got jet black hair now which ranks as a first in our friendship hahahaha. And I bought donuts for my family from a shop over there, but my mum says it's darn sweet. But Qiling enjoyed the cheese one like she just tasted the best thing on earth! Bah never mind.

Then when I reached home, I came out for dinner with my family cos my aunt visited in the afternoon. Excluding my dad who's still at Kuala Lumpur and will be there for the next 2 weeks.

Photos!

Okie here's another update on my life. Yesterday was spent sleeping, then going to town for fun, and at night was another birthday party, this time for Cephas at his own house. Kinda stupid, because it was meant to be a "surprise" and I bumped into him on the bus while going to get his present. Ahh what the hell. Like three-quarters of my current army mates turned up, and his other friends. Met Tiffany who was there as well, though I don't know how Cephas knows her.

And this morning, breakfast with my family at Coffee Bean at J8. Their breakfast sets are pretty good. Was supposed to be at Cafe Cartel, but they weren't open for service at 7.30am. After that I crossed the road to Shi Hui's house to pass her my Lit notes which were meant for Tammy.

My dad just left for Malaysia for three weeks.

Feeling a bit weird this week. I think I'm starting to get slightly confused with my own principles and what it takes to be me. A lot of ideals that I used to hold fast to are evolving bit by bit everyday.

And I still can't quite shake off the thought how things could have been better if I hadn't (in a spur-of-the-moment, recurring-stupidity-that-never-heals) said or acted on impulse. It's as if like I never learn. Hmm. I miss those dreamy days, the teases, the simplicity of life, the intimacy, the playfulness and shyness. In short, everything about you. For one second, in that windswept moment, I seriously thought you were wonderful. Sometimes now I still think that way, but now I'm more like "what the hell".

Heh. Girls can be too much trouble sometimes.

Here's a toast to myself for an inspirational weekend, and also a challenge to Khairul to take back what he said about my poetry resembling that of Ted Hughes. Four poems, written on a lazy Friday/Sunday afternoon by yours truly. Enjoy, and comments (I don't care if you say "IT SUCKS") please!



Bright Young Things

Watch and gaze the wispy sky now
With silvery glimpses and a learned eye

Pretension of what we do not know
To make the facts and truths less discerning

Than they already are, while the half in indecision
Reason that they should join in the struggle

For everything they were created to be.
Because they know that we warp whatever we deem

Murky, without second thoughts of ramifications
Which do not concern us at all.

Behaviour of such is an oily smear
Tainted on the knowledge that we profess upon

Textbooks. And will be passed on to those
Who yet not know the truth, and thus never will.

But they still shine on.



Streak

the beautiful evening was
interrupted
by a loud kloonk of the sea.

you stood amazed by the magnificence of it all,
wondering how
it could have been more graceful than this

save for the rock of nuisance.
when an impossible dash of vapour
accentuated the brilliant moon.

fast spreading out in symmetrical ovals
the pearl never once
faded or dimmed out or loses power

except to degauss (magnetic rock)
in a way without losing brilliance
nor pull.

for the sea forgets its master
and the rock tries in vain
to snuff the throne.

an accidental stroke by the artist
makes it a worthy
masterpiece.



Triune

Faith is like
A seasoned deckhand.
Firm in the waters,
Steady on land.

Hope is like
A mighty warrior.
Firm in the unknown,
Ready to conquer.

Love is like
A girl with a flower.
Firm in thankfulness,
And full of wonder.



Samantha

She's a ballerina, fully clothed
with her hair tied into an elegant bun, standing
in an olive-green tank top leotard
that bared three-quarters of her
smooth, soft naked back.

White tights that defined her willowy legs
ending in matching green pointe shoes
and a flowing see-through skirt
with bands of blue and red outlining the hem

I held her slender waist in my arms,
bent down
to take off her footwear
and flung them onto a straw floor mat.

Next, I undid the elastic of her floundering skirt
billowing like stage curtains, or veils,
I couldn't care less.

And slipping my fingers into the
straps of her leotard, pulling the synthetic fibre
down her arms, spine, behind and legs,
feeling the elasticity of it wrapping unto her skin;
tossing the lifeless, offending object next to
the pointe shoes.

She wore no undergarments beneath
and looked rather silly
in her leggings and bounded hair,
looking for release from her nudity.

Proceeded to liberate her from the tights
cream-coloured
whiter than her admired legs,
pulling it downwards to part the gulf between
flesh and falsehood,
and her hair net,
letting her soft, fine locks
fall like frolicking angels.

You marvel at her dainty, naked body
child-like innocence on her face
chiseled, perhaps, by fairy carpenters,
a little shy at the puddle of murky water that
used to hide her beautiful body
and feet cold
from the marble floor.

Nonetheless, I caressed her nudeness
exploring her like an adventurer
charting territories through
the hills, grass, valleys and rivers,
parting her self-conscience and confidence
grazing through the fields
smoothing wrinkles of time
touching and feeling her senses of touch.

Samantha
closed her eyes
sighed softly
breathed relaxed
she is a baby needing touch for love.

I pressed her close to me
feeling her pointed breasts on my chest
and her inhales and exhales
against my stomach.

Stripped of pretence,
starked naked
it is then I learnt that
human beings can breathe and fly
grace is a redemption in itself
love is a reason on its own
without a second chance
you can forgive just as quickly as well.


Note: If your name is Samantha, or if you know someone whose name is Samantha, the last poem has nothing to do with you, nor the person you know. Worse still, if you're Samantha or know a Samantha who is a ballerina too, it has nothing to do with you nor the person you know too. All resemblances are purely coincidental!

I'm getting my happiness kicks from the most unlikely of all places: FROGS. One thing that never ever fails to crack me up is watching stupid frogs leaping across a pathway and jumping straight into a huge drain. HAHAHAHA!! Isn't that stupid or what! It's not like I'm purposely disturbing those frogs (or toads, for that matter) just to witness them perform their Geronimo act. I've gotta cross the pathway, don't I? And since frogs are most commonly seen at night than in the day, it also meant that I have much more limited choices for my journey. And so, those froggies, in their momentary stunned state when they first sense me approaching, they react instinctively by escaping in the way that they have been moving all their lives. One hop, two hops, the third one, and they didn't notice the gap in front of them and they jump straight into the drain. HAHAHAHAHA!!

Stupid silly frogs. Then they spend forever trying to get out of that crevice, which, can be quite impossible because we all know that drains are sloped steeply in that way for water to flow into. And I'll be watching with delightful glee because it's such an amusing sight to watch. But still, nothing beats the moment when they hop into the drain.

On another second note, I've cleared all my extra guard duties! Strictly speaking it wasn't really extras, but what the hell I don't care I'm clean from punishments now. Or at least, till my next misdemeanor which I think will be soon, considering that sometimes I'm as stupid as those frogs.

I will put Chaos into fourteen lines

I will put Chaos into fourteen lines
And keep him there; and let him thence escape
If he be lucky; let him twist, and ape
Flood, fire, and demon --- his adroit designs
Will strain to nothing in the strict confines
Of this sweet order, where, in pious rape,
I hold his essence and amorphous shape,
Till he with Order mingles and combines.
Past are the hours, the years of our duress,
His arrogance, our awful servitude:
I have him. He is nothing more nor less
Than something simple not yet understood;
I shall not even force him to confess;
Or answer. I will only make him good.

Edna St. Vincent Millay


Ah hahaha there's always time for a sonnet, and in this case, a Petrarchan one, no less. This has been one of my favourite poems of all time, largely because it contains all the major ingredients for disaster, but encapsulates its themes so well that they complement one another. Imprisonment and escape, male and female empowerment, regularity and irregularity, Order and Chaos, mastery and servitude, appearance and reality, and possibly even more (I haven't got the time to list all the comparatives). The sonnet is one humongous irony in itself. Trying to force Chaos into the realms of Order, coupled with the strict regimes of perfect lyrics required of an extremely ordered sonnet form. Isn't literature all about trying to establish order with the ingenuous use of words?

Which, is also a painful reminder of the world we live in. Would you prefer Chaos or Order, or would you say both, because the sonnet has proved that order and disorder can coexist in the same confines? Or worse, neither? Being the indecisive, sitting-on-the-fence shitty person that I am, this is food for thought to me.

Whoopee-doo. 1am in the morning now. Just came home not too long ago! Was at Clarence's mum's house for Adriel's birthday party. Which was kind of a colossal joke actually, or rather, for me only. You see, a few days ago I promised myself that I shall be a vegetarian for this weekend. No particular reason whatsoever, I just didn't feel like having any meat for my dishes for this two or three days. And guess what?? It was a barbeque, complete with a grilling stove. Which meant that there were also plenty of beef steak and ribs and everything. Cripey. If being vegetarian (even temporarily) wasn't enough, I've got another reason not to go. Clarence's mum's house is like, 200 metres away from Seletar Camp. Going there is like booking in back into camp. I've got a million reasons why I would prefer to stay out of army.

But in the end I still went. It all came down to a matter of resolve. I decided to stick to my vegetarian stand and swore not to be tempted by all the meaty display. I was kinda inspired by the month of Ramadan, and Shaheila's "strong will", and Khairul's "we can't eat if we meet up". Met Yurong at Ang Mo Kio first, bought a Veggie Delite from Subway, took a bus down, met up with Clarissa, then took another bus. It was great, cos I ate huge portions of the salad, and all the potatoes. And my Veggie Delite. And the cake. I never touched the meat! Ahh. Happy birthday to Adriel, and excellent achievement for me.

You know, some things just remain the same even after a long period of time, even though attitudes and feelings may change drastically. I caught myself still captivated with the silliness. Okay but I really don't care now, because it is all replaced with coldness. I remember those sweet moments, and I'm level-headed enough to know what is going on. Right now though, I realise I am truly free from the ties that bind.

And, to cement my pursuit for an idyllic, pastoral nature, I wore a new shirt (okay it's not new, I bought it a long time ago but just haven't wore it before) that said the following words:

Of various thoughts and recollections , strewn together to form something that might seem incoherent but actually extremely lucid. Because I have never felt so alive before.

When you see your whole life flashing by, in a mock mimic of one of those cinematic approaches of "seeing your whole life flashing by". You learn to love your mistakes, hate what you've done right, embrace your regrets and reject your opportunities. You want to kill yourself and die, but you also want to treasure the priceless qualities of life. And, just like it is so often with the benefit of hindsight, you gain more insight and add some life experience points. Almost immediately.

When you stare into the open sea, and your eyes take in every single bit of the vast expanse of the water greedily. You marvel at the horizon and think what is beyond that. You feel infinitely smaller than whatever that is out there, trapped in a airtight bubble in a bigger bubble. You feel like the scum at the bottom of the pond. Microcosm of the universe.

When you look into the same, murky water, seven inches away from the surface of the water, you think a million other things. You start thinking of a cave you have visited before. Velvet curtains of gigantic magnitude. Schools of fish skimming the surface. Dark, ominous premonitions of dread. Beetles scurrying senselessly. Disturbed cesspool. Eddies eroding the riverbed. Then you start thinking which is the best way (and least painful) to drown yourself. Which, in a sense, is ironic because there's only that many ways you can drown yourself.

When you readily volunteer for every single shit there is to do, just because this week is your week. And what disgusts me (apart from others) is how hypocritical and how sanctimonious you get in the process. But that's okay, because you promised yourself never to do so again.

When you reach your limit, and snap like a taut spring at the rustiest point. When nobody around you cares about you, and nobody wants to irritate you just for the fun of it. You realise you want the least bit of attention for yourself, and for no one else. You yearn for release from your lousy predicaments.

When you dream of a crocodile eating a man alive. You think of the morbidity of life. Man versus beasts. You wonder who tames which, and how. You question if a crocodile can even open its mouth so wide. Then you go back to sleep feeling scared.

When you fall hopelessly in love with love itself. And learning that the silliest things triggers love. Furthermore, in that same process you learn that the love is the trigger for silly things too. It's a duality, you find out. You know you are in love when you are stupid.

When you see bright red blood issuing from your very own finger. The pain doesn't quite hit you yet, but the droplets keep flowing out. You feel numb. You feel more alive, when you could have bled to death. You realise fully well that bleeding kills, but bleeding heals too. You feel it running down your hand, warm and moist. You feel it coursing through your veins, and out of your veins. The best thing is, there is no blood stains at all on the knife.

When that same finger disables you from almost everything that you used to find routine, you learn again not to take things for granted. You feel how the skin stretches across where it heals. You feel the numbing sensation as your sense of touch is lost. You try in vain to straighten your finger. You feel the pain. You run your finger across the cut, and amaze yourself with your body's self-repair mechanism. Then you berate yourself that you should have been more careful.

When you feel in control, and everything is going your way. You feel good.

When you thought it ludicrous, but became factual. Like how you think there's no way a horse can weigh two bloody tonnes, and that it's not much different from a normal human. But you quickly learn that you are wrong. And you need to brush up on your weight estimation.

When you learn quickly that lubricant grease comes in the form much like kaya and strawberry jam. You dip your fingers into it and spread it onto your palm. And you have to resist the mad urge to lick it, because it looks temptingly sweet. Your hand is all greasy. Sick, but since it's all guys, you think what the hell and continue anyway.

When you have to pump "strawberry jam" grease into the greasing points shaped like nipples. Conveniently called nipples. You pump the new grease into the point, and the old dirty grease oozes out like hardened jelly.

When you spend more time on maintenance of the vehicle and the respective stores, rather than on training itself. You want to learn more about coupling and deckhand roles and setting ramps, but they tell you to go count the stores or go greasing/washing/pump greasing.

When you don't get enough sleep. This, perhaps, is the worst, because the only thing keeping you awake is your futile attempts to try and keep your eyelids open.

Went for Tammy's choir concert at Esplanade last night! Met up with Aaron and Biru before that to go Marina Square to get sunflowers, got lost over there and was late for the concert subsequently. Ben Ng and Jill and Yurong and Clarence and Cheryl and Sing Hun too. And a new friend Mindy. Ooh the choir group as quite good! I liked the Shinjiru song, but I didn't like the songs which had the clapping parts. Then after that we all went back to Marina Square for KFC, with Dave and Shermin and Clarissa joining us. And then it was home.

Other than that adventure, I stayed home for the rest of the weekend. Sleeping.

I finally took off the bandages for my cut finger. Okay I've been changing the dressing almost daily, but this was the first time I didn't put on a new one since I cut my finger last Monday. It looks yellow from all the proflavine solution that I've been pouring over the wound. And soggy. And slightly swollen at the wound. The worst thing was, I can't feel anything on my fingertips! I think I severed all the nerves in that finger, such that I cannot even straighten the finger too.

Sing Hun says she underwent physiotherapy when she fractured her finger a few years back. Can you believe it physio for your finger! Hahaha I don't suppose I need that for mine right?? But hers was serious she had to put in titanium plates to straighten it, and it took 6 months to heal.

Okay. Gotta go back camp.

It's an accident-prone and terrible week. Monday night, I sliced my finger with my pocket jack knife while trying to fix the Singapore crest to my new beret. Super deep cut, but just a clean, clear laceration. Bled like crazy all over Sherwin's cupboard (although he readily volunteered to clean it up for me, and put too much detergent in the water subsequently), had to be "evacuated" to another company to see the medic, and I'm going back there every night just to change the dressing. Caught a cold last night ago, took a flu pill that Clarence offered me, which, remarkably, I wasn't allergic to. It got better in the morning but now it's a bad blocked nose now. Banged both my knees against the mammoth bloody vehicle that we're training for now, and now I can't walk properly. Fell off the bed while sleeping two nights ago. HOW STUPID IS THAT.

I tried changing the dressing for my finger myself. It looked like I amputated my finger now. And it's difficult trying to type without your left middle finger.

Last night at Changi airport, Khairul decided out of the blue that he wanted to ask me "a personal question". Hahaha so there I was, bracing myself for some onslaught of really intrusive questions about my past, or perhaps forced to reveal some deepest darkest secret that I might be guilty of. And mind you, we were at the viewing gallery with ten or more planes at the docking points, and another few planes landing on the airstrip every minute. Quite a romantic setting huh!

Anyway, he asked me what if one day I were to find out that Shannon's death wasn't exactly factual, that is, what if I found out that she hadn't passed away but was in fact living in the pink of health, then what would I do? Wow. Apparently this cousin of his, whose friend's boyfriend pulled a death stunt and told all his other friends to tell the girl that he was dead. I think he was seeing some other girl or something like that. Well the girl eventually found out the truth, and she was so upset that she just cried and cried and cried.

My first reaction after he asked me that was like, WOAH. It caught me quite unawares, partly because I was expected a different kind of "personal question". But it got me thinking seriously. What if one day I really were to meet Shannon again, not in heaven but on this earth, still very alive? What would I say to her? What would my reactions be? Hmm. It was kind of hard-pressed for me to give an immediate answer, even when I'm like, in the best position to tell it exactly how it feels. What I mean is, it's not some obscure hypothetical question like what would you do if your girlfriend runs away with another girl, or something like that! You get what I mean? Shannon's death was something that truly happened, and even though this is still a hypothetical question, I don't think a lot of people could have been in my shoes.

Given what I went through, I think I would be very upset too. Okay let's just assume that the scenario really became factual. I think I would be in an uproarious behaviour. I think I'll heave whatever I could lay my hands on and flung it at a wall or something, if not her. I'd have felt seriously cheated, hurt, betrayed, and all that. And I would have thought that the entire process of trying to recover from that painful loss would have been in vain; the journey of self-discovery and healing and trying to find peace which still continues up to this very day. Okay I don't think I would have ever gotten over fully with her death.

But for another moment after those turbulent and disturbing thoughts, I'm kinda glad that that will probably remain a hypothetical situation. Although, for all my undue worries, I have never actually seen her die or attended her funeral or anything. All I have for trust is her parents, whom, I'm pretty sure would do nothing of that sort to pull off such a huge conspiracy.

Which makes me wonder even further why I would believe her death and let it affect my life in such a traumatising way, when I've never even seen proof of her death. The last time I saw her in person was when she left for Denmark, which was August 2003. That's like four years exactly. Is four years of absense, and a huge drama about her death on Christmas Eve, enough to make me believe all of that??

Oh crap. Why am I even questioning the validity of her death and stuff like that?? Hahaha blame Khairul. They say seeing is believing, but it is not always the case. I've long since learnt that faith is the way for your belief to sustain you in a way that's different from anything else. And right now, I probably need all the faith I can muster to convince myself that SHANNON IS DEAD.

How ironic, when just a little while ago not too long ago, I was trying to hoodwink myself that she might actually still be alive, and loving me.

Let's see. In camp this week! Continued trainings with the heavy boat, which turned out to be quite fun indeed. Okay I still dislike the water, but overcoming the fear (even on temporary occasions) became rewarding when we got to steer the boat ourselves. Revving up the speed, changing directions, turning in tight circles, bumper boats, and all the freedom in the sea. My only grouse is, it's kinda tough doing the one-man anchorage thingy. I had to "scoop water" and redo that 6 times. Bloody hell tiring. Hahaha! And I've got a bad fungal infection on my feet, so I ended up walking around in sexy running shorts and sandals everywhere for the last 2 days. Felt like I was on chalet. Whoopee.

And today's lunch was with my family at Crystal Jade in J8. Then my parents bought me new shoes! Went down to Expo after that to go to some book fair with Khairul. Four new books for $18! Then we went to get some food at some Malay cultural fair thing. Travelled to Bedok for coffee at some coffeeshop. Went to the library. Then we went to Changi airport for fun, because we felt like doing so. More eating and drinking and a bit of shopping there. And then it was a long long bus journey home.

Here's what I did today. Decided to go exploring at Bukit Timah with Yurong today! It's always like my secret desire to go walk around in the heartlands because I love the interaction with people and it has a more homely feel to it. Hahaha! Okay and there's food too. And Bukit Timah has all the cute and sweet little kids! Girls like Leia!! And all the expatriates that are staying there, so with any luck I might bump into a really hot French girl. You know, something exciting like that.

Anyway, Yurong and I just went around at 6th Avenue, ate beef pie and ham and egg pie at Venezia in Guthrie House, then walked all the way up to Estivo (along Hillcrest Road and Greenwood Ave) for ice cream. That was like, 2 bus stops worth of walking!! Heh we drew the Estivo's logo and pasted it on the whiteboard for them. Then we had iced milo at the nearby coffee shop, got lost around Watten Estate trying to get out, before she left to go corps while I went town to find Khairul.

Had lunch with him at Far East! Okay he ate, I didn't. Then I wanted to buy tee shirts, but they were either too expensive or not my kind. So we decided to go down to Heeren. And we basically spent half our time there shopping, and another half trying to stalk this girl. Blimey she's cute and hot at the same time!! And dressed in pretty pink and with curly hair! I think she was sooo for me la. We walked past her once, she disappeared with her friend, and we spent the next 45 minutes combing the entire Heeren trying to search for her again. HAHAHA!! Of course we didn't manage to.

And oh, I managed to sustain a SMS chat with this total stranger for a whole day today! Okay she's not exactly a stranger; Khairul gave me her number, so she's a friend's friend. Kinda weird, but not bad la it's like a get-to-know-you session. I know her favourite ice cream flavour. Stuff like that.