The lack of regular posts is due to the many projects and essays that need to get themselves done. It's usually crunch time at this time of the semester, especially if you don't start preparing early for all the projects/essays. Failure to plan ensures the multiple onslaught of all the assignments and presentations from everywhere direction. But yeah, I've somewhat gotten tired of most of my group projects because I never ever could tolerate them anyway. Twitter is my complaining channel now, for everything that I cannot say on my Facebook and my MSN, I just tweet. Hahahaha.

Alright, time for bed. More, another time.

Jolene and I recently embarked on daily devotional readings of Our Daily Bread. Was quite surprised how far this has taken me, because it worked quite well even though the material isn't very in-depth. I think one of the biggest reasons why I skip quiet time sometimes is because I don't set aside time! And especially when school term begins, I hardly have motivation to read the school stuff, much less read long devotionals. Hence ODB makes a good alternative because I have it sent to my email, and I check my email everyday so I cannot miss it. And it's just concise enough so that I won't just "haiya another long email" and neglect it. Jolene doesn't keep me accountable much anymore (neither do I), but I still read them and sometimes I find myself reading it again several times in a day and trying to memorise the scripture of the day.

It's crunch time in the semester soon. I've got one group essay submission next week, and another the following. Add two group presentations in the next two weeks too. Gosh I can't wait for November to come. Not to say all my work will disappear in November! Got another two individual essays by mid-Nov, what a strange timing.

But for now, thoughts are on this Friday's worship. I wasn't supposed to be worship leading anything for October, but this Friday's one had a strange effect of making me validate it more than usual. Through God's grace, it'll be fine =)

Been slowly realising that I've been stuck in the longest musical rut for some time. I think in the past few months, my iPod is no longer the entertainment tool that it has used to be. Its role has now been relegated to a strictly utilitarian and absolutely functional use. In other words, I only use it when I need it! Gone are the days where the first thing I do before I embark on a long bus ride would be to set the iPod to auto-play an album or some songs or whatever. Nope, not nowadays. I still carry it in my bag with me wherever I go, but I only take it out when I need to refer a song to a friend, or when I need to connect it to the church mixer to demo some songs or to serve as pre-service music fill. It's lost the appeal where it once had whenever I'm bored, and it's just iPod and me, and we'll go to the ends of the music world.

And this is dire only because serving as a worship leader, I've discovered that my songs have almost become formulaic. There's little variation in the choice of the songs that I sing now because I realised that I've hit upon a tried-and-tested system which fits almost 80% of all the services that I'm required to lead! I just have to fit it to the theme of the service and the Holy Spirit is just prompting all the songs that I already have in my head because of this fixed system, and I no longer have to spend weeks in advance trying to plan my set lists. It's both good and bad, because experience takes over, but it also means I'm likely to keep repeating the same songs over and over again.

So I shall try to inject more variation and try more new stuff and mix things up slightly to break out of my rhythm and revive the iPod's heydays. Might as well anyway, because I'm currently reading Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie, which is supposed to be a really good book because it won three Booker prizes! And you might be wondering how to achieve three Booker wins. It won it in 1981 in the year it was published, and again in 1993 for the 25th anniversary Booker commemoration, and again in 2008 for the 40th. It's as impressive as it can get, but sadly, the novel has not yet shown its magic to me yet. Fall asleep everytime after ploughing approximately 7 pages.

I have a small confession to make, albeit this is not the most favourable channel to do so. On the grounds that I don't think a lot of people read this blog (in any case I only know a handful of faithfully returning readers). But that is besides the point. I'm writing this because today's Our Daily Bread reading sparked something which I think needs to be addressed in my life.

The fact is, I've been losing meaning and purpose for Sunday services. I don't really see the point in going for Sunday services as frequently as before, because I really don't feel like I'm getting much out of them. I'm fully aware that this is not the kind of conduct and the form of example that I should be exhibiting. But it's been like that since the beginning of this year, where everything just seems meaningless and it's to the extent that I really question what's the point of persisting in dreariness. It's just not inspiring me in my Christian growth, I get better feeding elsewhere or from other forms, and the only thing that anchors my Sunday attendance is my occasional duties for worship ministry or for the new Sec 1 and 2 discipleship class.

Even then, during those times of serving in ministry, I feel like the best way to describe my feelings are just "orh, okay". Hahaha not the best way to describe it, but it's just that way. Nothing comes and nothing goes. I play guitar and I force myself to worship onstage without getting distracted. I lead worship and it's becoming easier for me now (from experience) to enter into my own free worship, but I can't escape the nagging feeling if I'm really leading the congregation. And when I'm part of the congregation, it's the probably the worst because I'm distracted by all the inadequacies and all the problems are magnified tenfold.

Which is why, it's not really a coincidence that I don't really bother setting alarm clocks for Sunday mornings when I'm not due for anything. And I can totally understand those who are disinclined to come church on Sundays. I feel like it's more of a formality that we're having a Sunday service now, rather than the celebration of like-minded believers in faith and in unity it is supposed to trigger. Okay that was according to the ODB reading for today. And this is in response to Yurong's small comment (and I know she accounts for the "handful of faithfully returning readers") at leaders' meeting this afternoon. Yes, church is less than a stone's throw away from my block, but there are times when I feel it's more worthwhile catching up on sleep rather than sit through service just for the sake for being there.

Strange that I don't feel the same way for Friday. Maybe because my cell group makes it amazing for me each time. Or maybe because I see hearts more ready and expectant. Or it can just be Satan's attack, in which case I'm not really doing much tho flee from the temptations of my bed. Like I stayed up most of last  night and only went to sleep at 6.30am this morning, which is, needless to say, a recipe for remaining asleep beyond 11am for service. Then again sometimes I just refuse to try or budge because I'm stubborn. Like my non-attendance of any young adult cell group, wich, I think will probably be the subject of another blog post in a similar fashion of retrospection.

And I suspect I will come into some form of vilification soon because of this post, or from my continued rebellion. We'll see where it takes me. Okay, enough has been said about this. Thanks for enduring thus far if you did.

I wonder why am I not sleeping again. It's past 5am and I'm still up doing nonsense, at the same time sporadically reading some of my Literature readings. I do enjoy my dabble in my Lit modules so far, but now that they are level 2 modules, it means that besides reading the texts itself, I have to read academic analysis stuff written on those texts. Which is rather a big step because level 1 just mostly require you to form a rudimentary response. I'm slightly glad that Lit for me is only a minor and not a major!

Elsewhere, a huge storm is brewing outside of my house right now. Okay it has subsided mostly, but there are still quite a lot of lightning and the rain is still relatively heavy. Hahaha that means I should go to bed soon, it's going to be cosy!

And I've yet to blog about Self-Denial service! Went into the worship without being fully prepared as a band I think. There were always a lot of uncertainties like, okay so who's going to do what at this transition, but I think it all turned out great. Self-denial and sacrifice makes for essential ingredients for the walk. And my pleasant surprises came from unexpected people in the congregation! The biggest surprise was my mum, who came to me this morning while I was still groggy and in bed. She said she walked in towards the end and heard me sing the closing songs. Hahaha I didn't even know she was there!

Alright. Shall finish this reading then it's bed bed bed.

Approximately 21 hours to SAY combined service tomorrow, with my thoughts in sort of like a cauldron of slow-stirring froth. I think I've led worship enough times to be unfazed by the daunting prospect of going onstage. But right now I'm trying to will myself to be nervous and excited and all hyped up for it! I've told my worship team to go in tomorrow night with an anticipation and an eagerness to allow God to work. Right now it sort of just feels like another worship session to me, but God really cannot be limited into the size of a box. Need to go with an expectation that something great is going to happen.

Anyway, 1st October represents a culmination-of-sorts for all the worship leadings for August and September. Think they were nowhere as hectic as what I used to do previously, but I've realised lately that time is much harder to come by, hence the flurry were still significant enough to take it's toll. And what with all the song changes and reorders and revamps for tomorrow, it was really a huge testimony that yesterday night's practice actually went quite well.

Okay. I've got a mid-term MCQ test to study for. It's Chemistry, gosh. I will do my best not to be bewildered by it. 

Led worship at Sunday service this morning, probably 3 months since the previous Sunday I led because I sort of recall the last one being in June. This year somehow just seemed like a lot lesser worship leadings for me on all the usual Friday Sunday slots, but it still feels like a lot! What with Gracehaven and combined camps and services. Alright la, trade off. But today was different because I decided that we should all do without chordsheets and play entirely by ear. Which was both risky and adventurous, but it went quite well despite all the mistakes. Shall work on that more and let the guitar be entirely secondary to my leading!

Recently I've been thinking a lot about worship stuff, particularly when I've been trying to "impart" some of the essential skills to Ming Hui Jolene Meng Ren Melanie. They're going to be worship leaders for the end-of-year camp, and it's not like I'm the best person to do it but I really really feel a strong calling to just help and mentor where I can. And the talk of the town is on exaltations and free worship being an essential part of leading (my personal thoughts la). Then the feedback that came back to me from some of them, about my leading this morning, was that I was doing a little too much of it and it wasn't too smooth at certain points. Hahaha. Alright, I'll keep learning and practicing too.

I should have noted much earlier that I finished my first Coetzee and Ishiguro novels, thanks to the literature module that I'm taking now. Of course I've heard of both writers' literary prowesses, and all the flitting mentions from my bookworm friends who extol the brilliance of both of them. But for some strange reason or another, I've never really sat down with any of their books until I had to take this compulsory module to fulfil my literature minor. Not regretting it the least bit! Because Ishiguro is so elegant and poignant that it's really hard not to empathise with, flawed though the characters may be. And because Coetzee is so down-to-earth and succinct that it's equally difficult not to like his logic and practicality. Definitely more of them to come.

Recess week kinda flew by, I started out with tonnes of work but now the load has been slightly halved and I'm wondering where am I going to find the time to do the other half. I wish I wasn't such a pig; I really really require 7++ hours of sleep everyday and it's really difficult to wake up in the morning. Once school starts, I really cannot afford to stay up so late every night. I'll really just sleep throughout the day and miss all my classes. Next week I have 2 mid-term tests, both of which remain unprepared because I clean forgot about it.

Should sleep now. I've got 2 tuitions to give, and a worship prac to lead, and aiming to complete two module's worth of unfinished readings tomorrow.

This morning, while getting out of my house to get to lunch, I realised that the NParks people or HDB or somebody uprooted the familiar tree by the walkway just downstairs of my block. There's not even a stump left, it's just a mangle of remnant roots and wood shavings and some leaves. It's almost as if the tree hadn't been there, if you don't look closely enough.

And I'm mightily upset. I know enough about trees to identify it; it's a wild cinammon tree. It's not a very significant tree to me, like it's not as if I put a swing there or I built a tree house there or I hid in the tree trunk or I climded it before. Okay I don't think you can do that to any of the trees in Singapore. Those are more like Enid Blyton adventures. But still, I walk past it almost every day, and it is an essential part and parcel of my landscape. In geography we call it sense of place, which put very simply just means the intangible experiences that make up your connotations of a place. So familiarity may be homely, thus such. I guess the removal of the tree constitutes a destructive sense of place for my neighbourhood.

They're burning all my bridges. So where do I go now.

I didn't sleep the whole night, and I'm not yet feeling the effects of it! Okay this is actually quite a foolish statement to make, because I'm sure later in the day I will feel like my eyes want to (and will) droop anytime. In any case I'm on top of the world now, because I stayed up all night to finish my essay! It's only a thousand words but it took the whole night because of the tedious need to synthesise everything and paraphrase from authors. One thing I never get is that given a thousand words, you can never get much creativity to throw in some of your own original ideas, so what happens is that I'm just summarising all that has been written on feminist geography. It's so pointless and I don't really think the lecturer will be interested to mark a hundred of the same essays. But aargh whatever I've done my part, now prof, give me my A!!

I don't have school till 12 noon, and theoretically I can sleep for about 2 or 3 hours, but I think I better not risk it. If I go to bed now, I don't think I will wake up until youth service tonight. No no no. I'll just find some miscellaneous stuff to occupy me for the next few hours. Or I'd just go school early. Hahaha there's a one week term break to study next week, so I'm feeling like it's holidays and my exams are totally over!

I was supposed to blog about Sunday, but I reached home at like 3.30am on that night, then Monday came and went, and Tuesday is on the verge of coming and going too. Anyway Sunday was good because it's one of those long long days where you're packed right from early morning all the way till late at night, and somehow everything just went according to plan. Sunday service worship, then "sneaked" out to conduct the Sec 1 and 2 Christian education thing, which wasn't as terribly chaotic on a Friday evening cell group! They're out to get me I'm very sure. But in any case, what followed for the rest of the day had mostly to do with Gracehaven worship, what with practice and then going down there for more practice. The actual worship was nothing short of great, except that I started tearing onstage when it just felt so moving, then you know when you cry your nasal tracts starts to get choked up and I couldn't reach all the high notes after that. But I think that's how God works, I sometimes think emotions can somewhat be a debilitating weakness whenever you're onstage, but when God touches you you really can't help but be in his presence. In any case I need to tear lesser because it's just hindering my singing hahaha. And then we went to send Tammy off to London after that! Which explains the very long day.

And yesterday, I was up till 4am doing up a presentation for today. Which I think is really idiotic because my classes start at 8am today, and it's the odd Tuesday when it's my longest day in school. But anyway my prof said he likes my concepts but he asks if I really know all the stuff there is to know about! Which is kinda spot-on, because I left the presentation until the last possible minute and obviously I couldn't have read as widely as he wanted me to. But in any case it's over. And I finally went down to science faculty today for lecture and to find my missing pencil case! I must have looked like an idiot pacing around in the middle of a lecture (not my lecture somemore, that's the best bit) and I couldn't find my pencil case anywhere. Then I went stationery shopping right after that. Hahaha.

Okay, shall sleep early and wake early tomorrow too! Time to tackle the essay. It's only a thousand!

The weekdays ended yesterday with two missing items for this week. My huge pencil case is presumably somewhere in school, and I highly suspect it's in LT27 at science faculty. I have science lectures every Tuesday and Friday, but yesterday being public holiday, I couldn't go down to verify its existence. In all likelihood I'll only next go down to science for lectures only, so come Tuesday I have quite little to believe that my pencil case will still be there after one entire week. Then last night I lost my water bottle! Okay technically it wasn't my bottle, because I kinda just took it from church because it was lying around for so long without anyone claiming it or using it! So it was quite ironic that the same bottle got lost in church. This I suspect is somewhere in the auditorium or social hall, but I couldn't find it last night and I sort of just gave up after finding for a while.

I don't like losing things. Don't like the thought that there's something missing from me and that item is lying aroung somewhere, but I don't know where is it and I cannot retrieve it. It's not the value of the object that's lost, because I get upset when I misplace my guitar picks too! Just don't like losing things.

I want to thank God because today I finally found the exact highlighter refill for the exact colour that I'm using for all my modules this term! My sister introduced that highlighter to me, and she said what's good about that was the refill option. The highlighter itself costs $1.30, and the refill pack (with 3 small bottles) is $1.60, so technically for the price of $2.60 I have bought 4 highlighters! What's more, my sister claims to have used this same highlighter for 2 years and she kept refilling it and it's still usable now!! I am wowed because I run through highlighters relatively quickly, or maybe that's cos I was using free highlighters last year which were all cheapo-looking. And this highlighter brand that my sister recommended would have been a panacea, but the thing is, I just can't seem to find the refill pack for my colour at anywhere at all! All the bookstores I've been to said it was out of stock. But just this morning, I made a detour to the school co-op bookshop just to check if they have it there, because a week ago I was there and they didn't have it, but I thought I could just try my luck because I had nothing to do too. Lo and behold hahahaha tadaaaaaa it was there!

Okay. This post is... Hmm. Sleep.

I miss guitar playing. Ever since I started school I have been neglecting the Baby Taylor loaned from Matthew, and the Maestro was lent to Dezmand for a while, but now that it's back with me, I'm not doing anything with it either. It badly needs a string change to get me inspired to play it again! But I'm procrastinating because for today's worship practice I'm going to use the corps guitars, so I never really got down to changing the strings. Sigh. Busy school.

Obtained a fever for the past two days! Hahaha I used the word "obtain" because there was one night when I only slept like an hour or so, just to prepare for the next day's class. It turned out that whatever I prepared, the lecturer didn't really go through. Anyway my sleep was disrupted for the next couple of days because I really need to cover up for my sleep debts, and there just wasn't enough time to sleep all day. Hence the fever was a bit like asking for it. Was running around school yesterday woozy and dizzy until I went to see the campus clinic and they told me I have fever, but not that serious.

Okay. Time for work again.

Here's to a blog post where I don't really have anything significant to blog about, but I just want to siphon my thoughts (and delaying studies). Okay shall start with this episode at cell group which I thought was really cute and funny, and it has been stuck in my head ever since Friday. We were talking about Jesus being the light of the world, then somehow the question came to what kinds of light are there in the world? So for a while the answers were pretty straightforward, like torchlight sunlight moonlight headlights blah blah, until Eunice said "as light as feather"!! Hahahah! Jolene and I thought we've heard the worst of it, until Andrea came in, continuing in that vein, she said "satellite"! I thought that was really cute of both of them, and it's a pity if I don't share that.

And, talking about which, teachers' day is coming, so naturally I need to send a message to my two tuition students to "inform" them that teachers' day is coming! Heh note the insidious intent. But with the expectance of heartfelt gratitude and outpouring of thanksgiving, all I got was Eunice replying "so?", then Joanna said she can't wait to "go back to her primary school"! SIGHH. At least Hong Yu promised me something nice, even though I don't really teach her officially cos I help her on a phonecall-to-phonecall basis haha. But I'm very very proud of Eunice, she managed to pass most of her subjects this term, including her dreaded maths!

I really should go and sleep. Have tonnes of things that I'm aiming to complete by tomorrow.

Ahhahaha I caught the time it is 12:34pm now. Just a short note before I go to school. After waiting for weeks, I'm finally going to have a copy of Global Shift by Peter Dicken! All the copies in all the NUS libraries are out on loan since last week and last I checked, there was a waiting list a mile long and I probably won't get the book till October at that rate. Usually for popular books like these, the NUS library will have a copy of it in the RBR which is some reserved or restricted section where you can only loan books for two hours, so that everyone will have a fairer chance of getting hold of a particular book. They've got all the later editions in RBR, but they just don't have this 2007 edition in RBR, so it's been a mad rush for everyone trying to get hold of those precious copies! And I placed a reservation for a copy under some reference section last week, and finally finally finally the person returned it early and I'm going to get it later! My inner kiasu auntie says YES WHOO HOO YIPPEE!!

Okay. Off to school. My sister asked me to bring some of her stuff to school cos she's staying in hall. She asked for hair clips and hair pins, and I deliberately chose all the butterflies ribbons hahahaha I've never seen her wearing those before. Then she asked for FBTs, and my gosh never ever! That's bordering on underwear. No. Next time if I'm really a teacher and some student turn up for class in FBTs, I'll chase her out.

The return to school has been much of a normalcy to me. Yeah it kinda feels weird after a three month break, but surprisingly I was able to pick up rather quickly. Maybe cos it's the second year now, and I'm feeling superior to all the freshies! My sister being the biggest one of them hahaha. There are nights when she came to me asking silly questions like "can we go in early into the lecture theaters before the lesson starts" and I reply "no no no you cannot do that the cleaner will chase you out". And I share a module with her this semester.

That said, a very very big change to my life happened last night! I changed my minor to English Literature instead of English Studies (which is just a combination of Lit and the English language itself). Okay actually it wasn't very drastic because the difference is just that I have to take two more Lit modules than the previous minor. But I felt like it was a big decision that I had to make! What if I really do become a teacher next time, and with Eng Studies I can teach both the language and Lit, but now with it only being restricted to Lit, I can only take the Lit classes??? Okaayyy it probably doesn't matter in the long run, and I sound really infantile. Alright that means I'll get to read more books, which I think will probably interest me more rather than sit through modules on grammar or tenses or stuff like that.

It's National Day today, and I recited the Singapore Pledge and the National Anthem at 8.10pm today! Hahaha 2010 2010h oh my gosh this is so cool! How come they never do it for the past few years? Okay la the time is harder to count, like 2009 then it has to be 8.09pm. And I tried my best to be patriotic through my choice of the colours I wore today. Well, at least until I got onto a bus full of old uncles and aunties dressed in red too, and I realised that I was the only one below the age of 60 clad in red too? Not that that made me ashamed, but what happened to all the reddish young people! Maybe they all went for NDP already haha.

Stomach's grumbling. Shall eat some supper. Here's another language observation: Why is it that descriptions of financial-related stuff tend to be unclean? Phrases like "filthy rich" and "dirt cheap" and "living hand to mouth". So unhygienic! =P

It's 3am in the morning, and I'm struggling to get to bed soonest. But I took a two hour nap this afternoon, so it kinda compensates for the time being? Can't believe that school is starting again in a day's time, and I realise that I will very soon have to start downloading my readings and purchasing my textbooks and start to keep up with the readings again. Which is why I'm trying to rush all the stuff which I can complete now before the term begins officially, although it might as well have already begun because Monday's National Day. Small things like worship chords, new worship sets, tidying my table, blah.

Played at Chinese Corps this morning, with the Baby! And considering the very early timing of the morning, I was surprised that I managed to pull through the entire service and understand everything. I always liked Chinese church services because everything sounds so eloquent and precise. Shall make more often visits there.

And this is from my diminutive observations, but the British like to say "brilliant", the Australians like to say "amazing", the Americans like to say "awesome", and the Singaporeans like to say "good"

I keep saying that I am neglecting this thinking space and how much I yearn to resume the once-regular accounts of my life, but to actually get down to blog something proper is really like a huge chore. And it's no excuse really, because everytime I open my Firefox my homepage is my blog, so there's no way I could have missed this site. I guess if I really wanted to, I'd easily hit 2 posts a day, but Twitter/Plurk is so much more convenient because it shortens my life to 140 characters haha.

Still, nothing beats actually sitting down to craft this blog post. Gets the writing juices flowing.

Anyway, I'm almost nearing the end of my holidays. School starts next Tuesday after National Day, so I'm back to lectures and assignments and projects. I'm taking three geography modules and one literature and a chemistry module on atmosphere! No idea how they will all turn out, but looking forward to something to do after such a long break. Haha, and that would mean having to adhere to a strict sleeping regime, because I'm like getting to bed at 3 or 4am nowadays and waking up waaay after noon the next day.

And I'm trying to drag my fitness back on track too! I need to clear my annual IPPT before my birthday, and just in case I don't make it, I've booked my test slot in September. It's crazy because I haven't jogged properly for the longest time and I'm trying to gain back as much as I can. Terrible.

Led worship with a Taylor guitar tonight! Matthew left behind his Baby Taylor for me before going overseas, and I can't put it down ever since. I really pity my Maestro, not sure how it feels playing second fiddle (pun intended) to the BT. But it's really a joy to play the BT; the tone doesn't sound very full but it's definitely very rich! Think this shall be the start of a trend for the next few weeks hahaha, only problem is that it doesn't have a plug-in option and I have to use an external mic. But I'll work around that.

Okay, gotta sleep soon. Have a worship prac with Chinese Corps tomorrow morning, and I'm looking forward to it because I've never played for a Chinese church service before! English have, Tamil have, but Chinese don't have. We'll see tomorrow, hahhahaha.