I'm dusty and rusty. Brain is totally not in study mode, the only thing I am interested to read are story books or Christian devotionals, because that's all that I've been reading in the past 3 years! Guitar is not in a playable condition too, because I took a break from all worship related activities for 3 or 4 weeks and now my fingers are cramped and abrasion which is sooo pain and guitar doesn't sound good!

Can I extend that to my life too, because I'm just so out of touch and everything is so maudlin and melancholic. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and do nothing all day.

I've got a bunch of unwanted stirrers with me now! The English lecturer gave it out just now because we're on phonetics and she wanted us to try pronouncing some words and feel the vocal vibrations. And I was at a corner so the leftovers all came to me! And I made the girl beside me walk all the way to the back just to pass the stragglers the extra stirrers! I could have done it myself, but I told her to pass it to the back, and she misunderstood and instead of passing it person-to-person she went personally. So paiseh.

Through a really nice opportunity and timing and coincidence, I went for one of Janice's netball matches with Auntie Adeline today! Hahaha it was a really last minute thing, but it was quite a good experience, because I've never watched a netball game before and I don't know the rules and positions and everything. You know in all the cell leaders' manual they always include "support them in their games, recitals, performances and the like", so I thought why not, give Janice a surprise too hahaha! She played very well! Jump here jump there like kangaroo and scoring so many and shouting like a true captain, and of course they have to win eventually laaa! And Auntie Adeline is such a loyal supporter hahaha she knows everybody on the team and she knows the coach and the teacher and all the rules and which player is new and who is outstanding.

Boring day made interesting and happy, thanks for the fellowship and the car rides Auntie!

There's this little tab in the CORS website which says "File for Graduation", and I'm always clicking on it because it's so tempting! Hahaha I remember the first time I was bidding for my modules, and I kept asking Atiqah if that option was for me, even though I haven't even attended a single lecture at that point! But that's my escape from reality button. Everytime the bidding or balloting becomes too much of a hassle, or everytime I'm fed up with the jargon that I don't understand from the readings, the "File for Graduation" becomes very appealing.

But it's been pretty fine, every morning is a travelling nightmare but I haven't been late so far. I'm thinking that all Tuesdays are Mondays because I get Mondays free. Thinking if it will be a good idea if I read all my readings from the laptop instead of printing them out. And trying to shake the cobwebs from my brain. Study study!

This is the kind of stuff that embarrasses you, but it brings back fond memories. A while ago Sarah asked me how long have I been in the cell group leading business, and I told her since I was 15! I did take a year long break when I enlisted army, but it's still a whopping 6 or 7 years. Been a leader longer than I've been a cell group member myself. But what a learning process it has been for me, growing, realising what to do and what not to do, and still learning. A good number of my old cell group members are still around, and I really appreciate being able to be part of their lives even till now.





Can't remember what occasion this is, but I remember Ming Hui asking "can my sister come too?" and that's how everyone ended up there. But we all look so foolish and so young hahaha.

Hahaha! I'm quite glad that Mondays are free for me. Not that I usually get attacks of Monday blues, but just that I am lazy to get out of bed after the weekend! Yup, bummed at home trying to study. So many readings, I'm quite astonished.

And went out with Samantha to watch Up! Hahahahahaha. Nice show, a bit far-fetched but I liked it. (I don't want to say anymore haha).

I'm generally happy right now. Happy that things are falling back into place, happy that I've got the exact words to say at exact moments, and happy that things are clearing up and looking brighter. Although it wasn't really in shambles to begin with. But I'm just thankful, thinking that I'm the most blessed person in the world (no I'm not attached yet).

I like talking to people, just hearing them out and listening to what really matters in their hearts. Or just plain foolish talk with nothing in mind but to chat nonsense. Kinda relieving from stress and whatever else actually.

Thinking about life and all that it has to offer. You know, this book that I'm reading now is messing up my life up a little, it really questions the purpose of life and chasing after worldly things. Accolades and achievements, they all fade. What are the eternal consequences, and it's back to the microcosm of the universe when what you think really matters has nothing at the end but a dusty cupboard hidden in some attic. Sounds really useless to me, time to invest in all of heaven's entirety which I have been neglecting.

Started school this week! University life is boringzzzz. Maybe because it's all intro lectures for this week. Did meet quite a lot of old friends, church, army, school, wherever. But the people I sat next to in all the lectures so far are strangers who bother to talk to me. Got lost on first day, and waited at the wrong lecture hall the second day! But I wasn't late haha.

Reading this book called "Living on the Ragged Edge". Talking about the book Ecclesiastes. Especially apt for all the thoughts that are going through my mind now. Hahaha twisted world.

This is some retarded thing that Jerrold and me decided to do.

Fiesta Oneness today at Labrador Park. Great time catching up with all the adults and meeting new people and talking playing. Usually I don't get to talk to everybody that I want to talk to on a Sunday service, and it's a pity because there are so many familiar faces and names that I always hear about, but I barely know them aside from hellos and byes. So here's finally a non-threatening platform to ask legitimately what do they do, how are they related in church, blah blah.

This year's "getting to know you" year. I've been trying to get my ears on the ground! Not so much about looking pretty, but just trying to catch up with people. Sometimes you can know someone for years, but you barely talk to them much. I want to do that, but there's too many people that I want to catch up with hahaha. But thankful for the chances and the way my appointments just fall into place. Been trying especially to spend time with each person in my current cell group, be it phone or SMS or MSN or meals or movies or guitar lessons or whatever. My way of trying to get into their lives and to know them better. I wish I had more time to do this.

My heart and mind is in a turmoil. And perhaps an overdued one too. It doesn't take much for me to realise what I've been doing and what I haven't been doing. But yeah, sometimes I'm just too prideful or I'm lazy to deal with it or I procrastinate or I find excuses.

And that reminder had to come in a big manner through Pastor Elaine. Thank God for her life and for her ministry. I'm kinda sheltered in a sense, you know, like I'm not very big with spiritual healing and speaking in tongues and prophetic visions. Not denying that these gifts have a place for edification in the church, but just that I didn't grow up in a church background which placed much emphasis on these. I know enough to know but not know at the same time. But Pastor Elaine's words hit a huge raw nerve. Okay I cried more for others than for my own prayer, but it's still a wake-up call and it's a blessing.

I'm really tired but very satisfied. Sometimes I wonder how pastors does it, you know, trying to be the sponge to absorb everything, happy or sad, weddings or funerals. Still, thank God for my cell group for keeping me sane, contradictory as that might sound.

Was watching NDP on television. No love lost there! My contributions for the past 2 NDPs included crazy guard duty schedules and zooming around in boats at Marina Bay! I've done my part, with stories to tell too. Thought I saw Celine on telly, but then again I couldn't be sure.

Bummed at home the entire day. Slept until 12 noon, then slept again from 4 to 6pm. Did nothing the whole day except to pack a small portion of my room, and I managed to get out quite a few things which I can put in for Salvation Army donation. Tomorrow will be the messy table's turn.

Haven't been this "unproductive" for months. Just sitting around and watching TV and doing nothing. It's like a vacation, at home, don't need to spend money, mum buying food back or cooking. What a life!

Weekend was quite a toll. YP Sunday was a great joy, the pretty girl beside me (who is always just too shy to talk to me haha) had to dance gingerly to avoid my guitar and music stand. It's really pumped to be part of the energy on stage, never been more lucid. Went down to Funan and Sim Lim a couple of times on two separate days too, to get a new laptop.

And today was meeting at Gracehaven, I thought it was just Capt Raymond and Capt Hary and YOG reps, so I went in tee shirt and shorts. Then it turned out to be some corporate official meeting and everyone's in nice collared shirts! Never mind la, I'm youth department haha I passed off sporty enough.

Currently trying to put sense into the things that I'm doing.

A few good things in my life, I've got a new phone with unlimited SMS on top of my free incoming, which in my opinion is awesomezz for cell group leaders hahaha because I've got no more excuse to say that I can't reply to messages! I passed my QET too, so that means I don't have to do anything extra and my GP result was just a fluke and there are nothings wronged with me the English. I'm matriculated, registered, for university, and thanks to Atiqah for making sense of the bidding nonsense. Last day of work tomorrow too, which is quite sad because I really enjoyed myself here and had a great time, but I can't wake up at 8am every morning.

I'm trying to figure out what I haven't done. I wrote a to-do list but I lost it.

My sister is a big hypocrite. She claims she has this much work to study and revise. (She's taking her A's this year by the way).



But she is busy doing a million other things! The other day I saw her writing notes for all her friends! "LET'S JIA YOU TOGETHER FOR EXAMS OKAY!!" I'm very dots because she 自身难保 already but she still go and encourage others for what! And that's not all! Look at this, she is counting elephants!!



And this is where she normally resides.

There are nasty times in my life when the "knowing-being-doing" ideal just doesn't appeal to my circumstances. And I just don't feel like getting up there to do the stuff that I have to do. With all honesty I was one phone button away from sending a SMS to Alicia, telling her that I really don't want to play/sing on Sunday. But it was Saturday night at 2am and I thought it wasn't very fair for her. But Sunday morning eventually came along and I was on stage, the glare of the spotlight in my eye, I got nervous in front of 200 pairs of eyes, I'm playing entirely wrong chords and I'm singing in Greek. I remember trying to reconcile how God can be magnified through that junk.

And barely an hour later I was up there again, this time with twenty kids with the voices of twenty million, trying to make sense of my purpose in the mud map. You know how sometimes it gets confusing, and it doesn't help that I'm so prideful and stubborn too. I know I lost it in the mess of shouts and barks and wrong stylistics and entire deviants from what was agreed. But again I was trying really hard to keep it all in check, trying to keep myself from drooping off in sleepiness.

I don't know, part of me feels like this is a huge plate of mee goreng. It's tasty enough, but I don't really want to eat so much of it. It's the diminishing returns thing. But it is a perpetuating problem for everyone, the more passionate you are for something, the more you open yourself to be hurt or discouraged easily. It's so easy and so tempting to get too caught up with the "whats" instead of the "whys". It's something that I try to constantly remind myself, but everything goes out of the window when it's just me me me and no God. Which is why mee goreng looks really appetising when I'm hungry, but midway I just feel like puking.

What if all of these comes to nothing? What is it at the bottom of it all? My heart's drawn to remaining intentional and making it relevant and purposeful, something which I picked up from people like Adrian. You just cannot do things frittering like a butterfly, there has to be clear objectives before and measurable outcomes after. Perhaps there's some debate there, about how God can still make something artistic out of recycled materials. When is too much too much, and when is too little too little? Sigh, I think there's always a greater and higher something above me, and it's quite useless getting beat up trying to attain that equilibrium.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Mind full of forgiveness and redemption and reawakening and compassion. I think God's been trying to speak to me, but either I'm too busy at pretending I'm busy, or I'm just trying to delay facing that ugly truth.

Hillsong conference and concert was good and inspiring, thank God for people like Min Jie and for David Chan. Yeah my poor memory made it more work than that was necessary, but Min Jie's relief was a funny sight hahaha. Was back in Seletar Camp on Friday, it felt exactly the same, like ORD till now was just a weekend. Doesn't help too that one of the last major event I did before getting out was parade too, so this felt completely at home. Not something that I want though.

Which makes it a very sordid affair. I just want to sleep and sleep to catch up on the lost sleep. I hate having to wake up knowing that I cannot sleep for another ten more minutes, or else I will be running late. Then again, it sure is better than waking up discovering that you're already ten minutes late.

Come to think of it, I haven't actually gone to the ATM to withdraw money for quite some time! My last transaction receipt was dated 5th July. That means the money in my bank account has been largely untouched! Which is really great hahahah. It's like that because for the past few weeks I've made purchases for other people, and now they are paying me back in dribs and drabs, at different times of this month. So at any one time the cash I have on hand are the "repaid debts". Makes it feel like I'm spending on credit, you know, money that doesn't really seem to be there but rightfully it is. It's like a insurance rebate scheme! Haha I don't know what I'm talking about.

This is really random, but when I was much younger, one of my favourite nursery rhymes went something like "catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save if for a rainy day". Trying to teach you the importance of being frugal and to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Something like that.

Just came home from Ballet Under The Stars with Khairul. Both of us wished that we were taller, so that we can see above the four or five thousand heads at Fort Canning Park. Sat on an embarrassingly pink mat with picnic food (burgers/sandwiches) and wondering how they did those jiggly legs and how many turns in one jump. Hahaha ballet is nice but cannot appreciate it.

And I'm reaaally tired from all the worship leading and practices this weekend. Friday was leading, Saturday was playing for practice, Sunday is practice and actual and then YP Sunday practice. I think I got very irritated at times, but I really can't help it urghh. At least from now until 2nd August I can just focus on YP Sunday, which is real exciting to look forward to, after watching them do their dance routines. Everytime I see those primary school children they are always jumping around me, so I thought it was good, hahaha channel all their enthusiasm and energy by making them jump around on stage!

I've been trying to put things in perspective, like what's all this worth and what's in it at the crunch? It's not entirely a thank-less thing, and I've got ample support, but I think I'm too prideful, I like to run things on my own steam to stick stickers and post my own mail. I realised for the past few months I've been just giving and giving and not receiving. Not receiving as in like appreciation and free Hillsong tickets and acknowledgements. More of my own growth. Sometimes I think it's really easy to go to a bigger church, be part of the anonymous faces and soak up the atmosphere, you know, join a cell group where people understand you and where each worship is huge and each sermon is a blast.

But I've really been blessed by everything that's going on around me now, thinking that everything has a bigger scheme which I cannot see. Today's message kinda reinforced that. God doesn't need my work and my ministry and my songs. I always have a choice.

Updated with a picture of the view at Fort Canning.

There are times in my ministry and work when I'm so strongly moved by certain people that are such a blessing and an encouragement to my life. Or it could be just stories or events or certain small things or behaviours and attitudes that I'm happy that the Lord is magnified through all of that. I think a lot of times I have to just stop whatever I'm doing and just be thankful and be prayerful about everything that's happening around me, sometimes to the point of breaking down. But I'm quite convinced that everything isn't coincidental, and I cannot see the larger scheme and I don't know where is it all heading, but I know the blueprint's there. You know, that kind of thought process that goes on?

I think the past few weeks have been full of blessings. Unexpected prayers that were answered, things just falling into place nicely, decisions made by people that were God-glorifying. I think leading a cell group is very tough work, but I am very encouraged by each of their lives and it sort of motivates me to want to do more for them.

Oh You bring

Okay fine haha I had to go down to NUS yesterday for Qualifying English Test. They need to know my written English proficiency! Hahaha aiyoo I think very waste time, they can just come and read my blog; I try to write as grammatically correct and in proper sentences and as coherently as I can in this blog! I didn't know so many people crashed their GP grade hahaha! What's so special about QET is that this is the first academic test I've had to sit since my A'levels three years ago! I don't like studying I don't like sitting for exams either hahaha. But it was a good excuse to meet up with army friends, and to take the morning off from work haha.

And hooray that it's Friday! I'm looking forward to the end of worship tonight, because after this is just YP Sunday left. I like leading worship but it's taking up a lot of time and killing quite a lot of brain cells! O God what do you want me to sing!

I honestly do like hymms and really old choruses, those kind that were written in lyrical formats! I like to see words in symmetrical structure. Haha I'm kinda awed by the amount of verses in the Salvation Army Song Book which I don't know how to sing! And even more impressive to me if I see 8.8.8.8. Amph, or 10.10.10.10 Iamb. It brings back memories of my old literature days, where we will all be counting syllables and tapping our foots or bobbing our heads to determine if the poetry is trochaic or dactylic or whatever.

For the life of me, I can't figure out how to squeeze words into such a rigid structure with so many demands on stress, tone, syllables, rhymes, blah blah. That's not to include how profound the content it brings! Nowadays I think songwriters and poets have it easier, free form is the way to go, never mind the sentence structure, the aim is to pack the most punch in your words! I can't even string a decent essay together, how to cope demanding forms and difficult concepts and imagery and expressions, and still praise God in the midst of it all. The old hymns are treasure troves!

Yeah, returning to the main topic, I've "borrowed" a SASB from the corps auditorium for the past few months, because I do need to refer to it for worship leading and stuff like that. And last night I brought home the Tune Book too, to check chords and melodies to some songs. My goodness it was a pain to read all the towgays! Treble clef is still okay for me, but I'm more unfamiliar with bass clef so I have to count and count! And my music theory is mediocre at best, can't figure out how all those squiggly things can actually denote a tune. But yeah thanks to some help from Eunice, it was more manageable. And Major Alice decided to drop by in office just now and started humming one of the tune I was trying to learn! Haha that's when I decided it sounded familiar because I sang it before.

I think the easiest way would be to ask all the Salvation Army officers, learn three songs a day from a different officer, and I just might cover all the songs and choruses in the SASB in a year. Hahaha. Tune Book is soooo boring and so hard to read I fell asleep trying to figure it out.

For those who have yet known, I'm on Twitter! And have been since three months ago, when I first started work. It was more of jumping on to the bandwagon for popularity's sake. And a few weeks ago, I got an account on Plurk too, it's somewhat like Twitter but more interesting, and I'm only there because Hong Yu Eunice and Andrea are there!

So technically speaking I'm ruining my life away haha. I think most of my friends are still stuck on good old Facebook, I'm following Miley Cyrus and Coldplay on Twitter just to make myself feel remotely connected to them hahah. But I seriously don't see the point, because I think this blog has been a great avenue for my emotional outpouring, so why do I need to Twitter Plurk Facebook?

It's a bit sad that this IT-savvy generation is demanding more and more condensed, bite-sized, quick-fix, instantaneous things! If it can't be read in a sentence, then forget about reading it! But too bad, I admit it's quite addictive. Heehee!