There are times in my ministry and work when I'm so strongly moved by certain people that are such a blessing and an encouragement to my life. Or it could be just stories or events or certain small things or behaviours and attitudes that I'm happy that the Lord is magnified through all of that. I think a lot of times I have to just stop whatever I'm doing and just be thankful and be prayerful about everything that's happening around me, sometimes to the point of breaking down. But I'm quite convinced that everything isn't coincidental, and I cannot see the larger scheme and I don't know where is it all heading, but I know the blueprint's there. You know, that kind of thought process that goes on?

I think the past few weeks have been full of blessings. Unexpected prayers that were answered, things just falling into place nicely, decisions made by people that were God-glorifying. I think leading a cell group is very tough work, but I am very encouraged by each of their lives and it sort of motivates me to want to do more for them.

Oh You bring

Okay fine haha I had to go down to NUS yesterday for Qualifying English Test. They need to know my written English proficiency! Hahaha aiyoo I think very waste time, they can just come and read my blog; I try to write as grammatically correct and in proper sentences and as coherently as I can in this blog! I didn't know so many people crashed their GP grade hahaha! What's so special about QET is that this is the first academic test I've had to sit since my A'levels three years ago! I don't like studying I don't like sitting for exams either hahaha. But it was a good excuse to meet up with army friends, and to take the morning off from work haha.

And hooray that it's Friday! I'm looking forward to the end of worship tonight, because after this is just YP Sunday left. I like leading worship but it's taking up a lot of time and killing quite a lot of brain cells! O God what do you want me to sing!

I honestly do like hymms and really old choruses, those kind that were written in lyrical formats! I like to see words in symmetrical structure. Haha I'm kinda awed by the amount of verses in the Salvation Army Song Book which I don't know how to sing! And even more impressive to me if I see 8.8.8.8. Amph, or 10.10.10.10 Iamb. It brings back memories of my old literature days, where we will all be counting syllables and tapping our foots or bobbing our heads to determine if the poetry is trochaic or dactylic or whatever.

For the life of me, I can't figure out how to squeeze words into such a rigid structure with so many demands on stress, tone, syllables, rhymes, blah blah. That's not to include how profound the content it brings! Nowadays I think songwriters and poets have it easier, free form is the way to go, never mind the sentence structure, the aim is to pack the most punch in your words! I can't even string a decent essay together, how to cope demanding forms and difficult concepts and imagery and expressions, and still praise God in the midst of it all. The old hymns are treasure troves!

Yeah, returning to the main topic, I've "borrowed" a SASB from the corps auditorium for the past few months, because I do need to refer to it for worship leading and stuff like that. And last night I brought home the Tune Book too, to check chords and melodies to some songs. My goodness it was a pain to read all the towgays! Treble clef is still okay for me, but I'm more unfamiliar with bass clef so I have to count and count! And my music theory is mediocre at best, can't figure out how all those squiggly things can actually denote a tune. But yeah thanks to some help from Eunice, it was more manageable. And Major Alice decided to drop by in office just now and started humming one of the tune I was trying to learn! Haha that's when I decided it sounded familiar because I sang it before.

I think the easiest way would be to ask all the Salvation Army officers, learn three songs a day from a different officer, and I just might cover all the songs and choruses in the SASB in a year. Hahaha. Tune Book is soooo boring and so hard to read I fell asleep trying to figure it out.

For those who have yet known, I'm on Twitter! And have been since three months ago, when I first started work. It was more of jumping on to the bandwagon for popularity's sake. And a few weeks ago, I got an account on Plurk too, it's somewhat like Twitter but more interesting, and I'm only there because Hong Yu Eunice and Andrea are there!

So technically speaking I'm ruining my life away haha. I think most of my friends are still stuck on good old Facebook, I'm following Miley Cyrus and Coldplay on Twitter just to make myself feel remotely connected to them hahah. But I seriously don't see the point, because I think this blog has been a great avenue for my emotional outpouring, so why do I need to Twitter Plurk Facebook?

It's a bit sad that this IT-savvy generation is demanding more and more condensed, bite-sized, quick-fix, instantaneous things! If it can't be read in a sentence, then forget about reading it! But too bad, I admit it's quite addictive. Heehee!

Yesterday was as if like the day just couldn't end! So many things to do, so many stuff on my mind, so many people to talk to, so many things to remember to do. Headache and very tiring. I think I don't want to play lead guitar anymore, so minimalistic but too many things to control. Then there was worship prac for Gracehaven, which I decided to play guitar and sing (because Hui Min "pangseh-ed" haha), so my fingers are kinda sore from all the fret flying!

Gracehaven worship was great and the visual action from where I was standing was quite spectacular! Not much frenetic emotions beforehand, I think it's getting easier to find my own space to allow it to magnify God, don't quite know how to put it in words but it sort of resolves into something purposeful? And it's really my priviledge to get to know some of them, before this they were just names and stories to me. I'm trying to move beyond "hello Lee Kuan Yew" hahah.

I'm quite exhausted, quite surprised I got this far, and looking forward to the end!

Just came off worship practice for tomorrow's service, and one of the rare few times I'm playing lead guitar, and I'm feeling really crappy and inadequate because I felt like it was just nonsensical rubbish! Hahahha I only like to strum strum strum on my brilliant wonderful amazing acoustic guitar, and I tend to want to do the same with an electric guitar in my hands. I don't know what chord or note I want to play. I think the sound and effects and Adriel's pedals were wasted on me too, I don't know how to control it to maximise the tone! It sounded neither fish nor fowl, and I'm thinking if it's not too bad an idea to just jaarrrgghhhhhh all the way tomorrow and let the overdrives do the talking!

And courtesy to Kat and Daniel, I've got a recording of last week's worship session which I was leading. Wow haha it was like one of Hillsong's live recording! Except for my horrible singing and my lengthy incoherent blabbling. But it sounded beyond cool, recording was a bit muffled, the congregation weren't whoo wahh whee, but you could hear the passion behind the singing. And I think the band was awesome. This is the first time I actually got to be "part of" my own worship leading hahaha.

I haven't been that busy for the past two weeks, contrary to my crazy schedules in June. Okay la I'm still occupied with a few things la, but they are all small nitty-gritty things which I really think I ought to hire a secretary to do them. I need a girlfriend who is willing to do admin work for me!

I realised I have been really irritated and annoyed at work inefficiencies for the past few months. You know, I don't really have to care if things are slow or late or not done properly or insufficient or a million things. Three-quarters of the time I'm not in charge of it, and perhaps that's why I've been more easy on the accusations too. But word gotten back to me was that I'm too fierce or naggy or I'm not loving, and I'm really like what-the-hell because I thought it was just a basic matter of personal responsibility?? Haiya it's a really fine line. If I think something is wrong and I don't say it, then I'm apathetic. If I say too much, then I'm over-bearing. Can't please the world at all.

And I kinda blew my top this week over something which I really felt was very unfair for me and for the people involved. Don't think it was what either of us wanted. But I really had to slow myself down and control my temper. Initially I kept silent because of past favours and similar inefficiencies on my part, and our past work relations were magnificent. I did find a better reason to bury the hatchet though, because of something that was mentioned about forgiveness and prayer.

Here's one huge conundrum that I really cannot stand. Like, take for example if I'm leading worship, I will try to plan my songs one month in advance. I know it's waaay ahead of most people, but that's what I'm aiming to do la. So I will go and source for the songs mp3, email out as early as possible, provide all necessary resources, spend money and purchase the sheet music for my musicians. Then on the actual day of practice, one of them says "no I haven't seen the emails yet". Then like that how????????? Doesn't make sense if I spend time and effort and money, and I get this kind of attitude. It's the same for everything that I do! I put heart and soul into the things required, then in the end change direction, or worse still, nothing is done! It's not about the job not done, it's the kind of irresponsibility that I am super irked. HEART ATTACK.

But I'm more convinced now that all these imperfections are just part of the bigger picture to allow God's perfection to shine through. I'm thinking that there's a plan and there's a purpose to everything that happens. Cannot la if I just keep getting angry over every small thing not done, then I will just die of high-blood pressure and frustration and impatience. Much bigger things to worry about and much bigger fishes to fry. Very difficult leh.

Speaking of worship, I'm back to learning and listening songs every week! My calendar puts 5 separate worship leadings from 19th June to 2nd August! For different occasions somemore! That's easily 20 songs in 6 weeks. Not to mention that July is my Sunday service worship band's month, and numerous worship practices (both mine and others), so that's another million of songs. And I've been trying to get influenced by Nigel Hendroff and learn to play lead guitar!

Don't talk already. Time to sleep.

The weekend wasn't a battle, but it was a fight to stay awake! I've been out almost every night since I was back from Kuching, and it is taking quite a toll on my sleep too. On a good night I should be home by 11pm, or else it will be later than 1am? I think my parents aren't very happy with that, but I'm either busy with stuff or I just want to relax outside la. But okay yar this weekend was more relaxed than normal. Kar Leong's facilitation workshop on Saturday, and was at Kat's place after that. And today is leaders' meeting and leading worship for Founders' Day. I think that working for Salvation Army helped in a sense, because I got to know Lt-Col Prema and I know what to expect for Founders' Day and I've got editorial support and wonderful help from everyone, so it helped make the anxiety about worship leading much lesser. But it was good, and my fingers are very pain but it's good.

Shall sleep!

I really like the word "crook"! I'm using it as a noun, to describe people who are dishonest or cheaters or thieves or liars, in that sense. It's a real pity that I haven't really heard anyone use this word in a long long time. Okay granted, there are millions of alternative epithets that I can use to describe the same group of people, but I like "crook" because it conveys such a strong message and it's not as hackneyed and it gives a manner of tone when you say it in anger! Sadly, I think its place in language is not very recognised, because "crook" is considered too colloquial for school graded essays, and you hardly ever see it in the media except in tabloids! They do use words like "swindler" and "trickster" and "fraudster" though, but it sounds quite parochial to me. And then there's the big complicated words like "embezzler" or "charlatan" or "purloiner", and frankly speaking, why accord them such prissy-poo names when they've committed a crime!

I think if I had my way, I would opt for stronger words like "villian" and "knave" and "rascal" and "scoundrel" and "bandit" and "crook". RAAH!

From Timothy!

I have recently accumulated more than 1000 stored emails in my Gmail account. The oldest one dates all the way back to April 2004! The marvellous thing about Gmail is that I never have to worry about space. At the bottom of the page it says I am "currently using 933MB (12%) of your 7342MB." I know of friends who are using 60% of that space, so I'm definitely not maximising my Gmail hahaha!

The actual email count is actually higher than 1000. This is because Gmail automatically groups all email replies and forwards under the same topic heading. So if I send out an email on "fri worship" and I get 20 replies under that topic heading, Gmail will lump it all into one single thread so that I will not need to open 20 separate message threads.

But I seriously doubt if I'm ever going to refer to even 1% of those 1000 stored emails again. About 30% of those emails are devotional emails, because I always just scan through them and I will keep the more interesting ones for future reading. Of course, that future never comes! I've kept some of those forwarded emails from friends, things like funny pictures or jokes or whatever else. And the rest are church work-related, or school-related (remnants of my secondary and JC education). Those are simply for my reference.

Which is why I sometimes wonder what is the point of keeping all these old emails if I'm never going to refer to them again?? The useful emails are those sent out by worship leaders with guitar chords to songs. Every time I need chords, I will just run a search for that song. But for the rest, it just accumulates cyber-dust and makes my email count seem like I'm a busy man.

And this is why I've also resolved to read and reply all emails as soon as they appear! It's so easy for me to take the daily devotionals for granted, for example, because it appears every day and the tendency is to just skim through it. But I forced myself to read through everything every day, because I know that if I keep it for reading another day, I will probably never do so in the end. And whatever emails that requires response, I will settle it as soon as I see it. The amount of new emails can really go crazy sometimes, and I've tried to make use of Gmail's features to organise and label my emails. Of course, on the other end, I'm a guilty culprit to sending lots of emails too! My reasoning is that emailing is free, unlike calling or SMS-ing! And it's relatively convenient too, so why not make use of it?

But Colonel Burridge put it across quite succintly last week: have we lost the art of conversation? Too often I prefer to email rather than talk things out with someone. Mostly because my thoughts process flow better when I'm writing than when I'm speaking, and I can't find a lot of time (and patience) to sit down for a chat, and when I've got something to say, it is simpler to visualise words on the screen than intangible thoughts on my mind! It's easier to send an angry email than to talk things through. Am I hiding behind the computer screen? I wouldn't mind reading long email essays about different points of view, compared to a face-to-face meeting. Am I being too flippant in my dealings with people?

I should probably be the first to initiate a no-email-day. Three days for every week, I will not log in into my email at all. Hahaha I think I will just end up killing myself over the work load that ensues. Every time I clear ten emails, ten more appears. RAHH.

I'm a bad employee for today! Hahaha I overslept this morning and I ended up being 4 hours late for work. Then lunch time just now I met up with Khairi and I was half an hour late consequently. And I lost my access card! It has always been in my bag, I have no idea where I misplaced it and I don't know why it's lost. Aargh I am normally not a person who loses things, but it has to happen from time to time and I'm quite annoyed at all the inconveniences.

Weekend was packed full. Saturday's amazing race for territorial combined event, which went quite well really. It rained but we weren't affected by it! And at night was birthday celebration for Nick at Pasir Ris. And Sunday after service was a long worship prac for YP Sunday. And dinner with family at night. Very tired and busy! Which may explain why I overslept!

Okay. I think I've caught a slight cold. Transformers 2 tonight with Priscilla!

Last night capped a week of visitations! Monday night at Commissioner Lim's house, Tuesday night at Sam's, Wednesday at my grandma's place, then last night at Janice's. It's a slight coincidence that this week is like that, I just went accordingly to my weekday evening schedule and slotted in the appointments. But it's good la, to tear myself away from staying at work or staying at home. I still have a lot of things to do! Okay maybe not a lot to do, but they are all nagging away at my thoughts and a constant burden on my mind. I need to clear my head abit.

I REALLY FEEL LIKE BLOGGING ABOUT SOMETHING HAHAHAHA IT'S VERY FUNNY BUT CANNOT IT'S A SECRET HAHAHA LATER I BETRAY YOU!

I am a bit upset at the way things are going. All these last minute stuff could have been prevented. Everything is still so disorganised and murky! And I realised that it's slow across the board. Haiyo. Thankfully I'm still on track, but I need to speed up. VERY BUSY ALL OF A SUDDEN. I take back what I said about a slow start to the week. I'm just numb la I got no time to be unhappy, which is both a good and bad thing I suppose?

Fully packed for the rest of June. Ready to go.

For the past few weeks my Mondays and Tuesdays were really hectic and bursting to the seams with various work and meetings! At the start of every week I usually have a long to-do list which I need to settle by certain deadlines. And I will really need to go all out to clear them, because next week will be another set of them! I've sort of realised the importance of getting things done quickly, and then spend my remaining time trying to improve refine perfect revise the task. And it's quite funny, because I rush everything at the start of the week and by Friday I would have completed most of everything and I've got nothing much left to do.

But this week is kinda more free than usual. I don't have any major assignments, mostly because I've done them the week before already. And whatever remnants are all the small small irritating stuff that I hate to do, because I'm a big things person hahaha. But I'm thankful for the lesser work, it's been a really busy month and I need to slow down abit.

After work ended today, Jolene came over to my house for dinner! It was quite nice to invite someone over, and an additional mouth to taste my mum's cooking. Then we went over to Samantha's house for a house visit. Got to talk to Uncle Raymond and Auntie Dorothy, whom I don't really talk to even on Sundays. We hung out in Sam's room and found out from Amelia some funny sibling stories! Haha okay at the expense of Sam's embarrassment, but Jolene and I enjoyed ourselves la.

And guess what came in the mail today? World Vision Bangladesh sent the annual report, and included inside was a photograph of Priya! Last year they were almost half a year late, I think it had to do my sign-up being in December and administration procedures. But this year's is right on time, and timely for my life too. I really needed that encouragement to give purpose to everything that I'm doing now. Priya is like more than 3000km away, but she's got no idea how much of a blessing she is to me. Beyond the squiggly Bengali characters that I can't read, and beyond all the crayon drawings that she sends.

Aaahh heart melt and breakdown.

It was a somewhat muted weekend, for starters I didn't have anything heavy-going on schedule.
Was at a worship band dynamics at Grace Methodist Church last night, if not it was pretty much hanging around or lazing about. But it was a very busy week last week, right till Friday! I figured if I reached Friday I am quite safe.

And was just back from Commissioner Lim's place. Decided to go down for a visit, Yurong came along, and also with the intention of passing some stuff to Cadets Fiona and Andrew too. I've got plans to go to two more houses this week!

Okay. Should sleep soon.

Extremely tired and busy, barely had time to get a breather today. It's appointments and meetings day! Went to Gracehaven, YOG office, Colonel Burridge's office. And had to give a short presentation for staff devotions this morning, which I did not really prepare for. Was scurrying around the whole office today, and travelling outside from central to north to south to central!

Last night was barbeque at church, then A Walk To Remember, then miscellaneous games. It was terrible because the night before I slept for 3 hours only, but I ended up staying over at church till 2am, so I'm really suffering from lack of sleep now.

Feeling kinda lazy, and in no mood to do anything. My mind's a contemptuous stir and it's cantankerous for most parts of today.

I think I was kinda abit too spacey today. Very distracted about a lot of things, partly because I am really very busy and I have a lot of stuff to do. Some of them are really huge and significant, but it's the not so important ones that are driving me nuts! So many things to take care of. I have time on my hand to do all of these, but I feel very bad that I'm hardly spending time at home with my family and I'm neglecting some people in my life.

And it got so bad that there were literally explosions in my head! This afternoon was out with Kenny and Capt Hary to settle the water bottle souvenirs, and I realised I couldn't concentrate at all on the conversations that were exchanged, because there were so many other things racing through my head. And in the evening was dinner with Capt Hary and Esther and three other guys whom I've never met before. Royston, JJ and Joshua, they volunteered for some Malaysian camp last year, and this dinner is meant to be a treat and for catching up with them. I had very little impetus to go actually! I had a headache and I don't even know them and I wasn't even part of the camp! But good that I went la, it cleared my mind somewhat.

Something was said about pride today. What I think should be done may not be what must be done. I keep saying that I don't want to impose and make decisions, but I realised that I tend to get very judgemental. I think my blood has been boiling more times than I could imagine these few days. Now I'm just numb la, but this really isn't me la. Where's the joy and purpose?

And I want to thank God for nice SMS-es that came my way yesterday and today. Those that were perennial didn't disappoint, but those that weren't were a surprise. I realised I took for granted a lot of things.

Returned home from Kuching last night, was there with Captain Hary for a youth leaders training programme and a Sunday School workshop that was organised for the folks at Kuching Corps. And it rounded off with Sunday service which Capt was preaching the message. We had time to visit Kampung Budaya (Sarawak cultural village) and dropped by the Children's Home too.

It was a blessed time for me. Got to meet some of the youths whom I have previously came across in photographs but never knew who they were. They were very friendly people to talk to and do stuff with, and I'm really honoured to join them for their youth and Sunday service. Also got to meet some of Cadet Fiona's family members. I've heard so much about her family (even though I barely know her) and each time I meet another sibling of hers, I'm like "oh okay another brother/sister, why are they so pervasive"!

And this kinda frees me up for the rest of June. Midway into the month now, but it's two-thirds over for me! I haven't really got a proper rest since coming back from Tamil Camp two weeks ago, weekdays I'm working and weekday night meetings and past 3 weekends I've been mostly away from home.

I kinda broke down last night, because throughout my time in Kuching, I think that God is really trying to say something to me. I've been thinking that my busy hectic June schedule isn't an accident. I'm really glad that I got to be a part of Tamil Camp and Kuching, meeting new friends and the activities, it's taught me so much about gratitude and humility. I keep complaining and getting upset with so many things, but look, whose faith is it that is really being tested here? I don't think I can still put to claim a lot of my gripes and walk away without feeling guilty. It's a wholly different world out there, and I really saw God's plans and providence through each life and each circumstance.

And it was really awkward to say goodbye to the youths, both at Tamil Camp and Kuching! It's the kind of farewell that is neither here nor there. I've barely known them for more than three days, so we've got nothing much to say to each other, but they all say goodbye with a passion and a fervence! Not because they are eager to get rid of me haha. I'm older than most of them, and they all treat me like some big korkor, and I'm shy and they are shy too. I really do hope I will get to meet them again some other time. The testimonies came from Tamil Camp about how they really enjoyed themselves and how they all want to be like Captain Hary and like Guan You, and I'm astounded because I can barely understand what happened when everything was in Tamil, and no no no don't be like me please I didn't do anything except to lead the games!

Which was why I've really seen God's goodness through this two overseas trips. I can't put it in words la, and three days observations in a total stranger's life don't do justice to any judgements, but God is there in the big picture, in their lives.

Some pictures, the rest should be on Facebook and/or Ipernity.

The start of this week was quite daunting actually. On paper it looked as though the only personal time I have were for sleeping! But I'm so glad to reach mid-week without crumbling. Work and meeting and work and meeting and work and meeting. My email accounts are hyperactive drives this week.

All these without sacrificing too much family time to talk to my mum and irritate my sister. But my dad is elusive. He's either busy at work or asleep when I'm home.

Off to Kuching tonight, will be back on Sunday.

Today was Botanical Gardens with the Sunday School pre-teens. Aiyo too many of them why are there new faces all the time? I went there to eat and mill around only. Or just to talk to Eunice Celine Sam who were there too. This picture is from Sam, I was reading Clifford the red dog to Titus.