"Her cell group grew from a small size of about 10 to the current 70 strong now, and yet she not only knows all of them by name, but maintains a close relationship with each one of them. She carries two phones around with her everywhere she goes, one which is for her normal usage, and another which is reserved specially for her cell group members, so that she can be constantly available to reply their messages, to answer their calls, and to be online on MSN to talk to them."

Doesn't she sound like God? Oh my gosh I have trouble keeping up with less than 10 people in my cell group la, and half the time I'm too lazy to reply their messages.

But I'm sure they all love me hahaahahaha I'm super lovable =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)=)

Last week at Heart of God Church, someone I haven't met before in my life asked me if I was a Christian and whether my purpose for going there was to look for a new church. I found it remotely insulting and I was thinking to myself whether that was an appropriate question to ask to someone whom you just met for the first time! Okay laa to give her credit she proceeded with huge caution and trepidation, and I really didn't know anyone there at all, so I thought the questions about me would invariably revolve around what I'm doing now, which church am I from, what do I do there blah blah. My answer to that lady who asked me the question was yes I've been to church since I was eight and I'm happy serving at Salvation Army in Bishan.

And that answer I gave sort of haunted me because it's true, and I wished I could have told her more than just that. I'm very thankful for the opportunities to serve in church all these years, and all of these experiences allowed me to learn and grow and mature both in my spiritual walk as well as my character building. I think that the more I'm doing, the more I'm learning about God and the more He is becoming real to me, like someone I can always always depend upon.

But I don't want to just keep doing stuff in church! On the few occasions when I've got no commitments or no roles to play in the service, I try and sit as far away as most of the congregation are sitting so that I won't be distracted or whatever. Every time I try very hard, but I just cannot escape the feeling that it's very dead and I don't feel God in church at all and a lot of times I might be better off staying at home, especially when I'm finding it so difficult to find a few Fridays or Sundays where I can just be part of the congregation and stay in my seat without going on stage.

How is it that some of my friends in other churches can still involve Jesus in a very big manner in the way they live their lives, and yet they are not as active in church as I am? Sometimes I really admire the way they are spiritually disciplined, and how they are really passionate to talk about Christ and how real He is to them. The amazing thing is, most of their Sundays involve them sitting and standing up from their seats only, but they are able to translate it outside church into their daily quiet times and make Godly decisions. I really really strive to be like them in their approach to be like Christ.

I can never really say to anyone that worship that Sunday was really Spirit-moving, or the sermon really spoke to me, or I learnt something totally new just from listening to pastor. Except on quite rare occasions. I'm not saying my church leaders and pastor and worship team is lousy or bad or anything like that. I just think that my church really needs a huge revival to want to know God better. And at the same time still remain faithful to the Salvation Army traditions and doctrines. At the end of the day I can sit down with church leaders and name all the faults and problems, and we can employ all the appropriate people or actions to solve it, but in the end it'll just be a people-led movement and not something from God.

And woah. If I ever pull myself out from all the leadership roles and just be content with going to church for the services without any involvement, I think I wouldn't have made God a priority in my life. I know they keep saying that it's not about just seeking and involving God in church, it should be an everyday affair, something that we should do daily to build the relationship. But I find it disturbing sometimes when I can't even feel God or learn anything new within church! I'm going church out of habit and because I've got commitments to fulfil. How to talk about outside of church in this case? How to grow deeper in the Word???

Everyone wants to be in the knowledge, in the clear, in the truth, in the light. No one really likes to be deceived or kept from knowing some things.

The thing is, how not to be disappointed by something that seemingly may not concern you, but you would really really like to know of its happenings. It's not as if you can change things or you can can stop it from happening. It's just good that you want to know.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" -Hebrews 11:1

I guess that one of my motivations to do many of the things I'm doing now, stems from my own desire that people will eventually share the same interests in the things that I am interested in. Take for instance trying to be environmentally-friendly and greenie and trying to learn about birds and trees and animals. I want to create awareness in that area and to share the intricacies of the diversity of wildlife. And it speaks the same for what I do in church too, like I want people to discover the same God that I find real to me, to assist people to worship Him and for God's glory to be magnified.

It's the same expectations when I'm in a new and foreign place too. I would want people to welcome me and talk to me and introduce me to new people and show me around and take a vested interest to get to know me blah blah. And in order for that to happen, I have to be friendly and gregarious enough for people to talk to me in the first place! That gives me more reasons to make an active effort to get to know new people I meet for the first time, and in another sense to reciprocate the friendliness that I would expect to have.

I'm sure there are a lot more reasons to fuel all these "determined purposes", but I'm kinda lazy to blog.

My "do something out of own comfort zone" for the weekend was going down to Heart of God Church alone on Saturday! I ended up separated from Vanessa even though I knew no one else there, because they've got this zone thing and I was introduced to people of my age group instead hahaha. But the new people I met were very friendly, and I really enjoyed the worship and the service. The sermon was really a sermon, because everyone took out their notebooks to take down notes, and I'm the only one there just listening without writing something down! I'm really struck by how everyone there is so serious and so passionate to know God. I only knew one song out of the many they sang for worship, and I learnt something new from the sermon, so I came out of the service full of funny new thoughts!

And yesterday's service was really meaningful and powerful to me, because it reminded me of everything that has been bugging me for the past few months. I thought worship at Heart of God was moving enough already, but yesterday was really an inner desire to want to praise, and feeling the Spirit moving and searching from within. And pastor's message about Salvation Army was a reminder yet again of what the Army stood for and the church roots that I grew up with. It's always interesting for me to note others' reactions when I tell them I'm from Salvation Army, because most people are aware of the social services, but not so much of the church behind it.

I really shouldn't be going into this la, but pastor's message prompted me to think again what it means to know God in a Salvation Army church, amidst all the doctrines and soldiership and social services. I used to have this weird idea that being part of Salvation Army means nothing if you're not a soldier and if you don't embrace the doctrines and the people you want to reach out to. Like, what is the point of knowing God through this church when you can be worshipping God at a million other churches? Okay laa I'm don't really think like that anymore. It's really really seeking God first in everything that you do, and knowing Him and worshipping Him because of the relationship you want to cultivate.

Long long chats with Vanessa and Auntie Joanna last night made me realise there's a huge gulf of difference between knowing about God, and knowing Him personally for who He is and what He's done for us. I can know all the right things to say, I can easily draft out a short message on any topic from the Bible, I can sing and dance and preach and lead and mentor, but all of these will just keep scratching at the surface without me chasing after a real relationship with the Almighty. And that's the real essence behind a strong spiritual walk with God, isn't it? It's even more than setting aside quiet time everyday, hard as that may already seem, but to involve Him in every step of our life, our decisions, how we choose to behave around others, how to aim to be like Christ.

And it brought back to mind something I took back from Hong Kong. "Don't expect Salvation Army or any church to change its values, but seek God first and chase after His heart". It made perfect sense at that time, and now I wish all the more to enjoy a more intimate relationship with God. I'm frustrated with so many things and I keep getting caught up with the doings! I always think that it's difficult to reconcile the church level and the personal level, like we can't really have passionate people for Christ if the church is not moving, or we can have the best sermons and worship but if people are hardened, then it's useless too. And there's a world of difference between being active in church, and being active in the kingdom of God. My consolation is that God is still the same everywhere no matter how we choose to praise Him, and to each his own preference or style of worship or spiritual gifts or whatever, God will never change for the sake of us, but it's more of us surrendering our selves and moulding ourselves into His likeliness.

I don't know what I want la. Then again it's not really about what I want, but what God wants. I'm encouraged and dampened at the same time, and it's really terrible because I don't really know where to go or what to do. I want to develop a stronger relationship with God that doesn't come from the serving, but from the way I am living. It's true it's true haha the number of times I've led worship numbers approximately a million times, but the number of times that I actually feel like I'm worshipping God and being ministered and feeling His Spirit move in me, it's within the fingers of one hand. Yurong is right haha the technicalities are too much of a distraction.

I need to change my perspective. My ideas of a passionate church has to do with intiated people coming forward to fix things and beginning change and being history makers. I need to remember that it's faith in the Lord, not faith in the church! Maybe I'm too pragmatic and practical, but I need to remember that it should be a God-focused revival rather than we keep doing things.

It's really great to hear of how the Lord is moving in someone's life, and it's even more of an encouragement to me when I know the person's before and after. Somewhat like those slimming advertisments. And for every single reason that I believe it can happen, I'd like to keep hope that God is behind each of the reason. I constantly feel like I can grow and serve in a much larger capacity than wherever I am now, but I realise that may be because I've been too antagonistic in the things we don't have, rather than rejoice at how far we've come without. Most importantly, I'm forgetting that God does allow opportunities for me to grow right where I am now, and sometimes I turn them down because I'm too prideful or I'm too afraid.

I should start charging money for every person who learns guitar from me hahaha. I'm not the best guitarist, but I'll teach you all the Lazy Guan You methods hahaha.

Chinese New Year every year has always been pretty low-profile for me. Anything fanciful or out of the norm stops at reunion dinner and visiting at my grandmother's place. But this year I didn't even get to visit my grandma okay! Half the world is visiting each other in different halves of their world and being merry and dandy, but I was stuck in camp with sore neck and blister on foot. All my hongbaos were hand-me-downs from my parents who were proxies for my relatives haha.

And how come they're showing crappy TV shows during Chinese New Year! I would expect a lot more TV viewership on public holidays, isn't it?? Not that I watch TV very frequently la, but the shows yesterday on all the channels were very nonsensical.

But the nice and fattening snacks redeemed this year's miserable festive mood. Hahaha it's not Chinese New Year without bak kwa! Gosh all the fats swimming in my body. And I mistook the solar eclipse for rainy weather!

And and and, no worship leading for the whole of February! It's been more than eight or nine months since I last went one month without leading. My first step towards uncluttering my life haha.

Major Bob is one of the few people I know who always always emphasise on receiving God's blessings, and taking this divine love as something that is meant for each and every single person who accepts the salvation plan. Or maybe it was the occasions that made the difference, because what I remember best of his sermons in the last two years were his Christmas ones and Easter, and today is Chinese New Year. It's mostly to the effect of finding rest in God's solace, or about receiving and not doing all the time, or there's something good for everyone, or blessings overflowing.

To some extent, I believe there are enough controversy on these kinds of "prosperity" messages. I'm not doubting that God will stop His blessings or that everything works for the good for those who love Him. The danger is that we might take all of these for granted and the demand for good things in our lives outweigh our need for intimacy with Him. Nevertheless, it's always refreshing to me because I don't have much exposure to such topics. It's always very apt for me because I feel like I'm always giving and doing things, both by my own necessity and my nature. I don't have to be in control, but I want to serve to the best of my capacity, as a sacrifice and as an offering of praise.

And Major Bob's message today corroborated with the current book I'm reading now. It was sort of saying that the world is run by busy and tired people, especially people who can preach and can sing and can play instruments and can chair meetings and can get things done and still can do a million other things. And the resonant advice was to just say no, to avoid cluttering up your life and losing focus of how simplistic your relationship with God can be. It spoke a lot to me la, because I don't say no very often haha. I need to receive what God has to offer to me too, instead of giving all the time.

But the confusing thing was that I'm not losing focus of the goal, and I'm getting motivation from serving God and not from the things I'm doing! Actually the more I serve, the more I learnt and the closer to God I became. This is especially so for things that I put a lot of effort in it, and I sometimes don't see the desired results, but I learnt a lot from the preparation and I'm reminded that I'm seeking to please Him and cultivate a deeper relationship with Him. And if not for all the opportunities and avenues to do what I am doing now, I probably will never get the impetus to even get to know Him better in the first place. I don't know la haha I could stop doing things like organise parties or games day or stuff like that hahaha.

Okay and no she didn't go away eventually. In fact she materialised right in front of my face, so that I don't have to keep banishing away the memories. This is one chance encounter with someone I haven't seen in a long time that I'd rather not have! Kind of a bad culmination to a very nostalgic week. Sigh I gave up trying also, and I'm astounded at how much emotion has been put in over the years. Hard to stay unmoved, and hard to believe I used to be young and naive too haha. I could go on and on about this but I'm very sad already la.

Back to discouragements! This is an emo post hehh. Sometimes I feel a bit frustrated and disappointed when I try my hardest to do things for people, and they don't respond in the way that I wish they would. And ultimately I cannot impose my will upon them because it's not me living through them. I don't care about their appreciation for me I'd rather they appreciate Christ better, and I don't want to sound didactic and I don't want to reprimand and I don't know how else to say it la.

It's been quite a weekend la. I'm grateful for the small blessings that has happened, it kinda made up for all the other negative stuff that is going on. I'm still tired and feeling sick! But it's not all doomy and gloomy, although I realised that I'm a lot more prone to feeling irritated at things and with people. Mark and Kenneth said I sound dismissive and angry sometimes in the way I speak! Okay maybe it's the way I speak sometimes, but it's probably not very reflective of my actual emotions! I'm mostly happy and I will try to be more friendly, but if I'm irritated it will sound like my normal "dismissive and angry", and that will be a good thing because I don't want people to think I'm irritated with them (when I don't want them to know). I'm trying very hard to be patient!!

Loads of giggling and baking cookies and shopping and leading worship. It's difficult to remain angry la, even amidst my dissatisfaction and my own personal stuff la. Sometimes I get my encouragement just from their willingness to try to do things, even if they don't do it very well. I was once in that age and in those phases I too wanted acceptance and people that I can look up to and I had my fair share of stupidity, so why can't them?

And is it possible to sing I Could Sing of Your Love for half an hour without getting tired of it and without compromising the focus on how we can always sing of God's love forever.

Of late, it seems as if she has left some imprint everywhere I go, for them to come back and haunt me now! I chanced upon her old Christmas gifts at a friend's house, then all of a sudden I start meeting her old friends whom I haven't seen in ages. And some errant letter that wasn't filed in the folder turned up unexpectedly while I was cleaning my room! Even girls that look like her in the remotest resemblance! It's not like I'm trying to hide and shelve my memories away, but I'm not really keen on them resurfacing in such a manner either.

Go away go away go away!!

Horrid cough refuses to go away either. I'm dousing water everywhere and going to the toilet everywhere too. I'm on to my second dozen of Strepsils in 3 days! But it's getting better laa. Slightly.

From Sam!


#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be ?
- Ehh, I'd feel betrayed!

#2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be ?
- Keep five million ducks in my million acre backyard.

3. What will your dream wedding be like ?
- Simple, but the wife has to accede to this.

#5. What's your ideal lover like ?
- I did a blog post on this before already!

#6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone ?
- Loving someone.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone u really love ?
- It kinda depends hahaha, although most likely not very long.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do ?
- Move on!

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days ?
- Yeah.

#10.What do you want most in life ?
- Lemons.

#11. Is being tagged fun ?
- Okaaayy...

#12. How do you see yourself in ten years time ?
- Opening my ice cream stall.

#13. Who is the current most important person to you ?
- God.

#14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is ?
- Sam's silly and weird and she's a girl.

#15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor ?
- Single and rich. I'd want my wife to enjoy life as a tai tai!

#16. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be ?
- Cat.

17. What are one of those things which you would prefer not to do ?
- Eat fried insects.

#18. What kind of person do u think u are ?
- Nice and awesome and splendid!!!!!!!!

#19. What do you define as a bad day ?
- Everyday's good!

#20. If you have to choose between love (as in boy-girl relationships) and friendship, what would it be ?
- Friendship.

My next targets are:

Yurong, just for the kick of it!

When I was a lot younger, my mum used to tell me off for not eating the bread crusts in all the sandwiches that she made for breakfast! And I still remember her reasoning for me okay! She said that people who do not eat bread crusts are people who cannot take hardships in their lives. Because of that, I always make sure I finish all my bread crusts, just to prove to her that I'm hardy and strong enough!

That's not the only instance okay! She used to tell me not to whistle at night too, or some ghost will come and find me at night when I'm sleeping. And she sort of forced me to eat my vegetables by constantly comparing me to my cousins, whose mothers never ever cared whether they ate veggies or not. And she told me to finish all the food on my plate, or I would eventually marry a wife with many pimples on her face and she will waste a lot of food just like I did! So you can sort of imagine the kind of stuff I was afraid of when I was still a little boy, easily influenced by all these silly threats.

Of course now that I think back, I know that my mum just didn't want me to waste food, and she probably wanted me to shut up at night because I just started learning how to whistle at that time! But it was effective in a way la, like how I'm not very choosy over vegetables, and I'll gladly eat all my bread crumbs and I try not to waste food and I try not to be picky over what I eat.

Gosh my mum's methods are so oddball!! But I wouldn't have known of a better way to make sure I grew up to be the person I am today. Not that I think that eating vegetables has a very strong impact on your character building, but I think it's all these small small things in a person that determines and defines attitude? My mum didn't exactly cared about my results in school, she didn't really control who I hang out with or where I go or what I do. She kinda trusted me with a lot of things, and I would have very easily turned into some delinquent or some criminal or something.

Eh okaay I don't know what is the point of this post, but it's just hilarious to me to think that I cannot whistle at night. I love my mum =)

Friday night was out eating supper after service and cell group, and I came home at 2am. Saturday night was down to town with some of the guys to shop for new clothes for Chinese New Year. My mum asked me if I'm going to be out as late as the previous night, and I said no. Then they decided to go prawning, and I ended up home at 1.30am. Which kinda defeats the entire purpose of me coming home early to sleep. I think because of two consecutive late nights, I got a super bad sore throat and my cough worsened. And when I woke up this morning, my nose was totally blocked and runny! Until I sneezed when I was brushing my teeth, and all the mucus and saliva and toothpaste and whatever came whooshing out! Wasn't pretty, but at least I was at the basin and not in bed or something.

And I was supposed to sing for worship today. But I felt really sick and terrible, so I skipped it instead. Weh. Today is a grumpy grouchy day laa I'm half drowsy and easily irritated and my sore throat is getting worse. But it's a fun weekend! Went to guitar and music shops yesterday with a few others. I'm trying out new strings for my guitar which supposedly can last for a year. I got two and the lady said see you in two years hahaha! And at night I got a stupid silly tee shirt hahaha. Prawning was fun too I caught 2 or 3, but I felt very bad for the prawns when we were barbecuing them. Hehh. I should consider being a vegetarian.

I was sitting in service today and listening to pastor's sermon, and I discovered how very easy it was for me to change churches. It's like I can totally understand all those who left church with various reasons or another. I really really don't like the way some things are working right now, but at the same time I want to see certain things happening and I believe they can happen. But I remembered someone telling me that no one is indispensable and things will still move on. Not that I'm really really that dissatisfied la, but I want to know God better and serve in a stronger manner. I should go save the world =P

This year is a friendship year hahaha I shall make sure I'm more disciplined when it comes to follow up on new friends that I meet, and maintain relationships with people I already know! Actually more of the former laa because I realise it's always easier to talk to people whom you have never met before. Less pressurising!

I feel... tired and emo and sick.

[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope] that if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Philippians 3:10-11, The Amplified Bible

I always like to cross-refer to The Message or The Amplified Bible as alternative, contemporary voices of the Bible, but usually I find Amplified much less condemning than Message. Other than all the weird parentheses which is littered over the place hahaha. I think this verse sums up exactly what the believer in Christ should be doing. To be godly is not something that is moralistic or virtuous or idealistic. Rather, it's more of knowing Christ for who He is and what He's done for us, so that we can become like Him. Kat's blog says that it's about "being" and not entirely "doing", which is especially apt to a constant do-er like me.

Here's something which is quite irrelevant, but I thought would make quite a good blog post read! Whenever the worship leader encourages the congregation to raise their hands in worship during worship sessions, I would always choose not to do so! Needless to say, if I'm leading worship, you probably will never ever hear me encouraging people to lift their hands halfway while singing any song, even if the song lyrics explicitly say to "lift up your hands" or whatever.

I'm not trying to say that raising your hands while worshipping and singing is not appropriate okay! I believe that you should do so, and I do raise my hands occasionally, but I just feel like rebelling if the worship leader tells me to do so. I always think that it's a form of expression when you worship, much like how you choose to sing or just mumble the words as prayers, and I think that this expression should be something that you want to do it rather than the leader tells you to do it.

It's an important expression, it's got its roots in Biblical prayer. It signifies our surrendering, or acknowledging in testimony, or any other reasonable reasons to why we raise our hands. I want to do this voluntarily and in my own space. But the funniest thing is, if I've already raised my hands, and the worship leader says something to that effect, I would put my hands down immediately!!

My latest author craze is Clare Morrall! Actually it doesn't qualify and quantify as an author craze, because she's only got two published novels. I found Astonishing Splashes of Colour very lucid and vivid in its moments of grief, despair and hopelessness. Quietly riveting and eloquent, simple enough to be memorable. I liked Natural Flights of the Human Mind better, largely because it wasn't as much a roller-coaster as the first book. The parallels drawn between the characters and circumstances were brilliantly thought out, and I like how the various small things add to the main story. She's good because both books were evocative and fraught with very solid emotions. Her themes that work for her are the same laa, but it's effective because her words are very precise in description. But I don't understand the Booker Prize hype with the first book! The plot is so thin!

This shall be a long post, because everybody keeps telling me to update more regularly, but I'm just plain lazy to blog these few days. I've got other things to do! Like keeping track of my emails and earning Neopoints and preparing for church stuff and funny things like that.

I'm mightily glad to reach the end of this week! For some reason it's been super draggy and time is crawling and I just can't wait for this week to end. Maybe it's because of Friday duty and environmental day in camp! I can't believe it I should have been the one who is enthusiastic about coastal cleanups and car-free day and reduce reuse recycle! Launching of boats killed my mood laa hahaha. I'm running out of things that I can do while I'm in camp! I mean, other than the stuff which we have to do la. Reading books is becoming quite lonely, and it makes me sleepy.

Discipleship meeting with a few people at French restaurant at Serene Centre on Thursday. The food craze was foie gras! I've heard of it for years, but it's one of those French cuisine thingy, like escargot. You know what it is, but you never ever tasted it before, or you don't dare to try. The first time I had foie gras was in Hong Kong, and that was fattening multiplied by three million because nobody really craved the lobsters and I finished all of it, with the accompanying foie gras. And the meeting itself was kinda uplifting, because I grew to appreciate everything we're not cut out to be. I keep wanting to be much more than I am now, but I realised that it really doesn't matter. At the end, Christ should be preached, and I'm not working to please man but to please God.

Undignified 2009 at Grace Methodist Church yesterday! There was a small bazaar and funfair in the midst of the worship conferences, and we were selling hotdogs and canned drinks and tea. Hillsong musicians Craig Gower and Rolf Wam Fjell were there, I was at Gower's vocalists course and band dynamics session. He's got a very very high voice and he still sounds natural and good. WHY DON'T I HAVE VOCALS LIKE THAT. And the night worship session was pretty amazing their band played effortlessly and they've got nice chemistry. Sigh how to emulate that. I don't like "dance dance" and "jump jump" songs! We came back and Mark was telling me that he wants to start writing our own songs, so that we can put the copyright circle and label The Salvation Army Singapore Central Corps by the title hahaha.

And today is another long long Sunday in church. 8am to 7pm. Worship practice, singing with sore throat. Worship ministry meeting after service. Psalm 8 is quietly beautiful and reflective. I like the symmetry of it, how it manages to encompass all of creation, and how it seeks to reconcile all of them together. Guitars with Samantha, she caught on very quickly and it really sounded very good okay! I made her meow like a cat heeheehee.

I just realised that out of all the covenant card signing opportunities in church since the start of this new year, I haven't got the chance to kneel at the mercy seat to commit!! Covenant Friday I was doing the message and response. Covenant Sunday I was worship leader and during response time I was playing guitar. Today's worship ministry covenant signing I did short devotional too. Hahaha oh gosh. Cheryl can join me hehh she was playing piano for Covenant Friday and for today too. But for the past few years, I've always had a habit of signing the card at the mercy seat first, then bring home the card to go write whatever I want to write on the blank lines. I don't think my thoughts will be logical if I were to write during the allocated response time! So I've learnt to just pray and meditate and commit at the mercy seat, and leave the writing for at home. And of course, what I've said at all three covenant signings was that the card will still remain a piece of paperafter the year ends. The card doesn't change you, you have to make the change your own. I've got three blank cards in between the pages of my Bible now, and they're all not even signed yet. =(

I emo-ed with my Maestro guitar for an hour and a half today. I'm beginning to really like playing it because it sounds very good and it's easy on the fingers. I like the fullness of the tone and it sounds warm enough to strike a chord in my heart, pun intended. But okay I was fiddling with all the old songs, and it struck me how God always has a secure place for us when we turn to Him, and how we really should keep singing in all of our circumstances.

Okiee. This has been long enough.

GUAN YOU YOU NEVER SIGN OUT FROM MY COMP!! 

I AM NOW INVADING YOUR BLOG. 

INVADE INVADE INVADE
ALIENS ALIENS ALIENS
MARTIANS MARTIANS MARTIANS

haha. yes hello :)

I am always of the opinion that if you never take the step of courage and faith to attempt something new, you will never discover your gifts, and consequently you will never discover the person you could have been. There is always an opportunity to try something different, or to do something in another way. It doesn't matter to me if it turns out to be something I'm not good at, in the end I learn and realise for myself what I'm bad at. Of course if it's something positive, it's cause alone to keep doing it.

I guess I'm the advocate for "experiential learning", because it makes sense to me. You can listen to advice from others to avoid what not to do, and you can rely on God's faithfulness to do what you're afraid to do, but you cannot do anything if you don't decide what you want to do. That's why it would be a bad idea to ask me if I want to try something new, or if you ask me if I think you should try something new, because most of the time I would say yes. That your decision to want to do it is the first step to a thousand miles, with help from people and God and determination from your own and encouragements and results.

And perhaps in all of that, I would be able to reconcile how thin the line can get between your capabilities to do something and your limits to do everything. Maybe I really need to sit down and stop thinking of trying and trying and making others try, because there's no point trying to force a duck to turn into a swan. Accepting them for everything they are the way they are, instead of getting disappointed for the things they are not.

Busy weekend again. Covenant Friday was quite an astonishment even for myself, because I'm sleepy and tired and I didn't really prepare. Late night supper at Balestier. Saturday was distributing rice for needy households with big group of church people! The organisation was bleargh but I think the objective was more important la. Then went down to Beauty World and Bukit Timah Plaza stretch for Dora's project. And for food. Today's worship leading with guitar playing and old emo songs. Leaders' meeting after that. And guitar lessons right after.

I'm tired la. So tired that I accidentally slammed my door into my toe and my toe nail broke hahaha. But that was a few days ago and now it's just hurting me at odd times.

Emoo. I'm not normally like that! Since when did I become so antagonistic and idealistic. Anyway the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift is quite a nice song! It's such a girly dreamland song, Sam introduced it to me. But it reminded me strongly of someone hahahahaha and I can't believe I actually am beginning to think a bit like that now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Hahahaha the time now is 4pm plus and I just woke up! Last night was watch-night service, and obviously most of us who stayed over in church after that didn't bother to sleep as well. Played soccer, hung around mostly with Jolene and Joe Yong for this year, talking rubbish. And at 3.30am we all squeezed in corps van to go to AMK Macs drive-thru for breakfast! Then back to corps for cleaning up of area and some hide and seek, and by the time I'm home it's 10am into the new year. And I have tonnes of work not done haha I just wasted half the day away. Ooh before watch-night there was a barbeque and movie too! But Sam, Celine, Jerrold and I went to the playground across the road from corps instead. That's where some of my childhood memories with Biru took place okaay!

Anyway this is a customary post for every year! Reflection for the year that has just gone, and looking forward to the challenges of the new year ahead. Get ready for long post! I must really really say that 2008 has been a very blessed year for me. It was very busy for me, and a lot of times I was juggling between a million things to do, and trying to make time for all of them so that I can do them well. Let's go systematically yeah.

First of all is army, because I STILL HAVEN'T GOT MY PINK IDENTIFICATION CARD YET and I can't wait till I ORD!! But it's coming soon it's coming soon! A couple of months more. Army this year was crazy because there were a million important taskings for us at various times of the year. There were several major exercises that we had to support. Then Mas Selamat chose a very good time to run away, and we were involved in the search too. Right after that was NDP rehearsals, so I was on a boat zooming around in Marina bay for two months! That was my most fun time all year haha! And there's going up Thailand of course. Okay laa I know I often grumble about army stuff, but I still had fun doing them and I learnt quite a lot too! The regimentalism killed me hehh I still don't like it, but after a while you get used to it la. I'm just amazed at how packed this year has been!

And somehow, in between all the free time and weekends, I found enough time to be active in church ministry again! It's not supposed to happen okay at the start of this year I was content with not being in charge of anything. I still have tonnes of things I want to see that's happening, and I'm still concerned with church stuff, but I thought I'd be too busy in army and I wanted a longer break. But the huge bandwagon found me, and I found myself hopping on to see where it'll take me to. One of the major things this year was worship leading! Singing on a Friday isn't new, but singing on a Sunday is very very new! Haha I haven't even dealt with all the stage frights and choosing songs properly and singing horribly! And of course, I can't go on without talking about Sec 1 cell group leading. And many big and small projects in between, like combined youth event, games, stuff like that.

I've been very amazed all year at how everything just fell nicely into place for me. There are countless number of times where I had to rush from one place to another, trying to be on time for everything. It's a terrible feeling, but I'm more thankful that I managed to be there at all, because I can easily think of many things that could have prevented me! And I learnt that I really should let go of my worry and allow God to do the rest. I always worry about the small small things, but I realised that most of these is out of my hands and I can only just keep praying for things to go according to how God wants it.

And it's pretty true. Worship leading this year taught me new things that I haven't learnt before in the previous few years. I realise now that it's not just about singing songs, but there's so much that's going on on a higher level. It's as priestly a role as it can get, and a lot of times in the past I'm not as ministered by my own songs as I was when I'm leading now. And worship leading on Sunday was something that came my way and I just said yes to it! I never ever pictured myself in that manner. It's taught me how to rely on God's strength a lot more, and it's taught me more about Himself. A lot of times it seems to me as if I'm working for God, but now I'm more like depending on God to work for Him. And that's really the main difference in my life all year.

Sec 1 cell group and pre-teens were another rollercoaster ride too. At the beginning of this year I never even knew there were 13-year-olds in our youth group okay! But now that the year has gone, I'm astounded why I didn't bother in the first place, because I would be missing out on a huge encouragement in my life! I was quite ignorant of the fact that there's a large number of pre-teens out there that I've never met before, even after so many years in church. Aunty Toh Tzu had to keep introducing me to new people, and I seriously think about what really goes through their minds when they meet me! Like, who's this weird 20-year-old old man, and why is he here!!

And that is precisely why I constantly have a lot of doubts about me being concerned for that group of people in that age group! Let's just start with my cell group. They're all girls, and they'll all 13. I'm seven years older and I still don't fully understand the stuff that girls go through. How to even begin connecting with them!! But it's been one long journey with them, for their willingness to include me in their lives and trusting me enough with funny secrets! I always think being a cell group leader is one of the worst responsibilities you can do in church, because the amount of support and care you need to give is crazy! Have to stick up for them, be their friend, listen to their lives, make sure they're going in the right way, clean up after they make a mess hahaha. I think it needed all the patience I could muster, and all the perserverance to keep making the effort not to give up. Thanks Sam and Celine, you girls were phenomenal in my life. And the various times that Aunty Toh Tzu invited me in for her pre-teens Teen Titans or whatever activities they have, I FEEL LIKE I'M VERY OLD.

I got quite emo a few times throughout the year too, and I'm very thankful for the encouragements and advice that got me through it. Thank God for all the good friends in my life, for all the wise people who knows how to react in my kind of crappy situations, and for friends who understand me better than myself. I think the whole of this year has been a big learning point for me, especially in reading and knowing God's Word better. I don't know what I've been missing out all these years, and I'm making up for all the lost time, but it's still magnificent in the way I've grown since last year. Trusting Him to take me through everything. A lot of times church is one big mess, and I keep wanting to give up because of all the negative stuff that came my way. But it's been a huge eye-opener for me to see what needs to be done, and how God is still working through the Salvation Army (in other countries too) through the work and reaching out. Hong Kong trip was very very enlightening.

And looking forward to the new year ahead! I've got resolutions that include seeing through all the stuff that I'm doing now, and to keep seeking God by being more disciplined. But the big funny thing is that I shall look out for the right girl next year to fall in love with hahahahaha! This year I kept trying to not put myself in a situation where I'll get girl troubles, and I'm very very happy being single! See I'm not that frivolous and scandalous when it comes to girls okay! That's so teenager hahaha!