Haha my posts are like, once a week now. I just realised that I have a few draft posts that never got posted! Probably because internet wasn't working and I was too busy to come back to post. Anyway, that was about Janice Roxanne Cheyenne's netball game at Pasir Ris Crest, and Eunice Andrea and myself went down (thanks to Auntie Adeline who fetched us there) to support. And another one involves my results for the previous school semester! I did quite okay la, but when I received my result I have no idea whether to be happy or sad, because I didn't know what was good or what was bad! But after asking Matthew, now I know. Satisfied la heh!

I really really do want to spend more time blogging! But nowadays when I come online I'm just on email and on MSN, and occasionally on Plurk and Facebook. Or else I'm mostly out of house enjoying my holiday free time. It's really great not to be studying! But there's still some work to be done la, and I cannot imagine what it will be like when school term begins again, it'll be back to rushing and late nights and early mornings and loads of work and very little time. Been going out a lot these few days. And, my table is full of birthday presents and Christmas presents and cards! Very messy, but I'm lazy to clear it and I haven't got the time too.

And without me realising it, the year has crept by once again. Staring at the beginnings of next year. Time really flew! Okay I shall leave the reminiscing post for 1 January. I'm just sleepy now. Watchnite service tomorrow, then stayover! And worship leading tomorrow, Friday, and on Sunday, on all the covenant signing services too hahaha. Last year I was similarly involved in worship leadings and messages and stuff, so I didn't have a formal chance to sign all my covenant cards during service time. I shall try again next year.

This year's Christmas was more Christmasy than last year's, largely due to carolling and more activities to do. On Christmas Eve we were travelling all over to different families to celebrate with them with our songs. I realised that there are still a lot of corps people that I've never talked to in all my years there. And the terrible thing is, people more often recognise and know me, but I'm at a loss at who they are. So I'm striving to be more sociable and talk more to people. But back to carolling, it's a great experience and I really enjoy sharing the happiness of Christmas. Thanks to Debra who gave me motivation to push for it this year, although I didn't plan it haha.

And actual Christmas day for the past few years was typically service in the morning, followed by frenzied huntings of which Christmas card and gift belongs to whom. But this year I just sat there and I didn't move, because I mailed out all my Christmas cards in advance! I've kinda given up trying to get presents for everyone, cos I realised if I'm lazy then that person will just get a soft toy, which is not the most practical gift ever. Cards are the way to go, with sincere messages. Hahaha! Thanks to all for all the cards, presents and well-wishes.

In the evening was Ms Angelin Wong's wedding dinner! What a day to choose to get married! But yeah it was a really joyous occasion, and the dinner was splendid. Great catching up with old classmates and old teachers too, haha it was quite pleasant to meet some of my former teachers (who still remember me). Five years since I graduated! I'm really really old.

Merry Christmas. It's nearing end of the year again, time to rest and reflect.

Weekend was spent doing all the Christmas-ie stuff! Hahaha. There was a Sunday School party going on yesterday, and my cell group was helping with the decorations, games and worship segment. Saturday was doing up the Christmas tree, blowing up tonnes of balloons and decorating the hall with whatever stuff we could find. And the actual party was woahh quite rowdy, but the children enjoyed it. Worship was interactive hahaha I managed to find impromptu volunteers to help me with drums.

And in the midst of it all, there was a kettling slot available on Saturday, as there was a cancellation and someone had to fill the time slot. A few of us went down to ring the bell at AMK Hub. And, in the evening, it was carolling at Sin Ming block 26 and at Ardmore Park! Both were equally blessed, it was quite an exposure at block 26 to get to talk to the less-fortunate, sing carols and pray for them. Ardmore Park was like some hotel haha, and it was just as nice to sing for them and bring cheer to their party.

Okay, I aim to finish up my Christmas cards today, and mail them all out.

4am in the middle of the night, and I'm kinda wondering if it's still worthwhile to sleep. Hahaha. Strangely, my mind's kinda blurry but I'm still half lucid. And I realised I kinda miss this space for all my thoughts and ventings and everything. In my haste to complete the stuff that I have to do, I've neglected this except for the occasional post. Shame, really, cos I do need to reflect and revise on my life.

And considering that at 2am I was still at Marina Barrage just now! First time there, great catch-up with Sherwin Fabian and Cephas (in Singapore for Christmas holiday). And I'm taking the time out to enjoy life without studying or much church stuff. Of course, Malaysia was really just enjoy enjoy, loads of shopping and eating and sleeping. Cycling at East Coast this morning, Bugis (first time in years too) on Sunday, kettling, worship workshop, getting my Christmas cards and resolving to write them by end of this week. I'm going to mail my cards out this year, because I know if I leave it to Christmas morning to give out, on Christmas eve I will still be writing cards.

Been thinking that I haven't really lacked any physical thing that I need at all this year. Somehow God found a way to provide, and even for the whimsical wants, I've gotten them somewhere somehow. I needed a particular textbook, and tadaa the used books forum had it. I thought about getting The Message Bible translation because the language is really strong and bold, but Uncle Franklin just gave it to me for Christmas. And ukulele! Hahaha Mat gave me for birthday, but I've yet to fiddle with it much yet. Can't wait! And I remembered I was kinda worried when university just began, because I was thinking how to support myself financially. Somehow money just wasn't an issue for me at all this whole year.

And I'm to meet some insurance agent at 10am later. It's not my first insurance meetup hahaha but I feel old, like I have to make life decisions. Hahaha I don't know what's into me either, I haven't got the slightest interest, but she was quite persistent on the phone so I just orh okay let's meet to talk this further. Aiyaa, she said 20 minutes of my life, so I thought let's just be nice and hear her out, and probably decide again later?? And it's like those poor guys giving out flyers by the escalators and everyone just shuns them, so I help them by accepting one, even though it's probably going to end up in the bin.

Okay. 4.30am. I could sleep for a while.

Was at AMK Hub doing kettling today with my cell group! My last kettling was 3 years ago at Raffles City, with a previous cell group (when Jolene Ming Hui were still teeny weeny kids hahaha). Have been unable to commit to any kettling slots for the past few years because of army. But now that it's holidays and I'm back from Malaysia, I was looking forward to all the Christmas stuff that will happening this year. And when Cecilia told me there was a cancellation today, I seized the chance to ring bells and wear red aprons!

It was quite fun hahaha, although there were more of us than required. Thanks Celine Cheyenne Eunice Charmel Sangavi Andrea Jerrold for coming down.

Blogging in Malaysia now, I'm staying somewhere in Kedah at my auntie's house. We've been going shopping at all the big supermalls within this area, was at Butterworth and at Bukit Mertajam. And last night was my cousin's wedding dinner! My mum's family is really huge, I have a lot of aunts and uncles just from my maternal grandma's side alone. My granddad had 3 wives so I really can't remember everyone of my aunts uncles cousins, and now there's even cousins' kids! Makes me feel like I'm ready to get married right now.

Hoping we have enough time in the last few days to go up to Penang, so that I can go Penang Corps hahaha. And it's quite logical la, since we came from Penang airport. Okay, till I'm back in Singapore on Thursday.

It's finally the end of my exams and studying and staying up late at night trying to cram some last minute stuff in. The papers were mostly okay la, although for one or two papers I neglected time management and didn't write as well as I wanted to. Hahaha aarghh but it's all over!

And it's like I lost all semblence to what I've been doing for the past few days! Been carrying around a bunch of notes everywhere I went in the past two or three weeks, and suddenly exams are over, I'm sitting around aimlessly without anything to read hahaha.

Was down at William Booth's SFOT library this afternoon with a few of the church people. The original plan was to go shopping at RSI but they were closed for staff Christmas party! So we managed to gain access into the library instead, and woaahh they have resources for Bible study and so many topics! Okay it's not the most comprehensive library, but it's small enough to make you feel that you can read every single book inside it.

Will be away at Malaysia for a week from tomorrow. Visiting relatives and wedding.

Been trying to get into the mood of running these two weeks! Aaron, Tim and Dezmand are strong influences in my decision to dig out my running shoes again. Another factor is with the passing of my 21st birthday, my IPPT window is officially open (I have a lull period of 8 months due to late ORD and late birthday). Hahahaha. Technically speaking I have a year to clear it la, but I really need to get my fitness in check. My runs are getting better, although I have aching muscles every day haha.

And tomorrow is Japanese Studies, which is MCQ, which I really don't like because the tendency then is for it to be super detailed-driven and tricky. If it's essay I still can anyhow write la. But MCQ aarghh, means I really have to memorise every useless detail.

Okie. Back to the course pack.

I like to think how relationships are both a process and a product. It takes intentional effort to maintain and build up trust, and the culmination of what results is essentially a testimony of what went into it. I know I'm not the most persistent person to do that. Have that tendency to abandon things halfway especially when it is just developing into something better. But I'm bored laa, I just don't have that strong commitment to sustain it.

And maybe that's why I have so many disjointed and dysfunctional relationships. And it makes matters worse when all those unburned bridges still provide a gateway to the memories. I don't like it, memories have a way of diluting and distorting things.

I really should just try to put my selfish pride away. Mending is better than ending. 

21st November came and left, haha just another day to add to my 7671 days on earth hahaha. I feel very old and very young at the same time, neither fully adult nor still considered a teen. Time spent mostly studying! Falling behind in my revision as I would have wanted it to be. But I did have some celebrations here and there, so thank you thank you!! Some of them turned up in pink tee shirts ahaha! Appreciation to all the Facebook messages, SMS-es and calls and MSN and greetings too! My Gmail was an innocent sufferer:

And I thought I was too old for duckie stuff too, but turns out I got the most duck-related presents this year. I think it's quite convenient, especially if you like ducks or cows or snails or whatever, then the greatest tendency is to get you all the ducks and cows and snails for your birthday and for Christmas. My ducks for this year, among other presents:

THANK YOU ALL!!!! Appreciated and grateful!

Andrea asked me why we seldom sing Hillsong Kids songs for worship, because she said she heard Sunday School playing a few of the songs for their worship. So that kinda prompted me to go dig out the Hillsong Kids albums that are sitting rusted in my iPod. And I have to admit, it's really quite nice! It's easy to sing, the lyrics are really straightforward and direct too.

But I've got a slightly bad experience with Hillsong Kids! Hahaha the last time for YP Sunday, the Sunday School teachers requested for "You're The One", and if you go listen to it, it has millions of synthesized sounds and techno beats! It's a great upbeat song, just that it's quite hard to reproduce it with a normal worship team with guitars keyboard drums. And I remember fretting for days, trying to experiment with different styles in order to retain the energetic nature of the song. Hahaha which is partly the reason why I ignore Hillsong Kids when it comes to worship planning, too much artificial sound and too hard to recreate haha.

Okay la, at least now I will listen to those albums more. Kids' voices are kinda cute. Andrea nice and pretty laa hahaha thanks thanks!

Through some last minute invitation, Eunice asked me if I wanted to accompany her for a day trip to Kukup and Johor Bahru last weekend. One of her auntie's church activities and a few of her other aunts and cousins were going. And I was thinking oh well it's the last week of lessons, so I could make use of this one-day holiday opportunity before I start my revision for exams!

Quite glad that I went. I was afraid I will be shy because I don't know anyone from that church and I don't even know Eunice's auntie and I don't know the itinery and I don't know what to expect. But turned out I knew Sophia (Gracehaven social worker) whom I was introduced a few months back, and the people were really nice, so it wasn't that awkward. And the places were some pineapple museum, boat trip to Kukup fishing village and shopping at JB. With loads of food and travelling haha. Okay la it really was quite interesting, apart from shopping because everything is pretty much the same as in Singapore and Eunice and I aren't shopping enthusiasts.  

Had fun today, thanks Eunice for the company and for all the *ahem* hahaha.

I'M VERY HAPPY TODAY hahaha it's the last day of lessons and school for this semester! Okay haha that's excluding the fact that I still have exams in about 2 weeks time, but no more lectures and tutorials and having to wake up early just to be on time. And and, submission of Japanese Studies project today, and another submission on Saturday (Cultural Studies which is comparatively much easier than the headache Japanese one), which brings to an end my terribly disjointed sleeping hours. Next sem I must avoid modules involving group projects as much as possible, it gets my blood boiling brr brr brr. And I thought minimum I have to stay in school till 4pm to be in time for project submission deadline, but I was out of school by 12.30pm today hahaha this is splendid.

In any case, this is entirely over. Time for a good night's sleep tonight, and then studying for exams.

Next semester I am sooo going to fight for all the modules which does not require group work! I think I have relatively nice project mates, as in that they are nice friends to have la. But I think it's a totally different thing when it comes to academic writing! UGHH I think it really gets on my nerves and I don't want to complain complain complain. I rather do a solo piece of work and if I get lousy grades or if I make a really bad mistake, then at least I can only blame myself.

And it's crunch time now, my last two projects are due by this weekend. Following that is revision and exams. Oh well, getting really busy to have much spare time at all.

And today's the first official and real Tues where I don't have to stay in school till 6pm and get caught in the traffic jam back home.

I feel quite terrible neglecting this virtual space to organise my thoughts. Even though my blog page is my internet browser home page, so everytime I open Mozilla it "invariably and inevitably" opens up to my blog. But I've really been too busy in school or in church or doing other things. Tonnes of stuff in my to-do list and every day it's a battle with the clock to finish my work on time so that I can get at least 4 to 5 hours of sleep. In the past I would adopt the work-first-sleep-later mindset, but I can't do that now haha age is creeping up with me. If I don't sleep enough, the sleep debt rolls over and accumulates and drags me under.

Highlight of the week was meeting Jaslyn by a chance encounter in school, and we spent my 3 hour break studying eating and her providing valuable insights for my life. Haha which was really enlightening, because my thoughts are in shambles now and that was just what I need.

And getting rejected to donate blood again! I want to be a willing blood donor, but they keep rejecting me! This time due to stupid cough syrup, because it might pose some allergic reactions. And this is the third time! First was in JC when I wasn't 18 yet and I didn't sign the parental form. Second was fever a week ago, so I can't donate. But it's really silly because I have no phobia of needles and they poked me at least twice in army to draw blood. In the end, of Rachel Dezmand Cassandra and myself, only Cass passed all the tests to donate.

Okay. Will try to update this space more if I could.

Kinda depressed, because I've got a ready-made "how to share the gospel" sermon outline that I planned to use for tomorrow's message, but I lost that piece of paper! I have no idea where it disappeared to either, it was lost in school, and I'm quite sure I kept it in my folder, but it just mysteriously went missing. And I'm quite sad too, because it was a letter/note from Chris Chen which I've kept for 5 or 6 years too! Maybe God's trying to tell me not to be lazy and to just come up with the points myself, rather than just basing it entirely on Chris' outline ahaha.

In any case I've reached the end of my school week. Which is really great haha.

It was Andrea's birthday today, and Eunice Joelynn and Charmel tricked her into coming for guitar lesson at church just so that we could celebrate for her! Not the best surprise hahaha but it was still fun, and we had a hoot of a time with the vacuum cleaner. Here's the compiled pictures:

Just came home not too long ago from Gracehaven! It's the last service for this year because they usually have a break in the long school holidays. And to "commemorate" that, it was a combined worship service from the bands of all three corps! Kinda massive, but the transitions were smooth and everything was pretty fine. And tonight was one of the few worship leading nights that I'm actually lucid throughout and able to focus clearly.

Think this entire Gracehaven project for this whole year has impacted my personal spiritual journey in quite a significant manner. It puts in perspective for me what it means to worship in a Salvation Army church. You know, like it's one thing for your own heart to God, but there's another for your hand to man. And Gracehaven is sort of like the epitome of my outreach to the lost, last and least haha. Okay they're not really that lost, last and least. But every time I'm there, be it to lead worship or to distribute posters or for games or meetings or whatever, my heart really goes towards the children over there. It can be simple as seeing their names on the whiteboard with all the notices and birthday reminders, or them studying, little sights like that which break my heart.

Dunno la, I'd like to think that God's going to come one day and POOF, everyone's saved including the Gracehaven children and all's fine and dandy. But truth is there's a strong need for ministry in that area, and I really want to do something. Maybe I should just consider working full-time there la hahaha. And when I took the corps' worship ministry to Gracehaven, I wasn't expecting 100% dividends and I was thinking that let's just commit to half a year and see where it takes us. Then half a year became a full year, and each time it's still refreshing and it's still a revelation.

Worship's kinda limited, you know. Like what we do onstage is just kept up there, but there's not much interaction and nothing really life-changing is going on. But it's still somewhere and somehow and something, which is why I'm constantly amazed at how God turns our junk into something magnificent. It's not all music and airy-fairy stuff either. There are some genuine friendships made and I'm thankful for that. I do see them around at various combined meetings or activities, and each time it's heartening to know that God is getting them to where he wants them to go.

But yep. It's been a good experience there this year. Kinda glad that it's over, because it was a massive emotional toll on me, even though each time we're just playing for 20 minutes up there. At the same time, it's kinda sad that the year just flew by like that and we're hitting November. Catharsis hhahaha. In any case it's been good, and ministry isn't ministry without heart to God and hand to man. My thoughts are with Gracehaven.

I've finally reached the end of this week! And in good measure too. I've had 3 project assignments and reports to be submitted by Thursday or Friday, and I'm mightily glad to say that I'm completed with all of them! That's quite a significant amount of work off my back for this semester actually.

And first thing I need to do is to catch up on all the lost sleep. All the late nights trying to rush the final final draft cumulated in an immense amount of sleep debt. And this weekend shall be more relaxed instead of trying to rush work!

Too busy for anything. I'm not really looking forward to the start of this week because I've got three deadlines to adhere to Thursday or Friday! They're relatively easy and manageable la, but the thought that I have to spend significant time on them is really quite daunting!

Anyway, I'm trying to start my exams revision. It's not till end of November, but if you put it in perspective, it's actually slightly more than a month away. And I've realised this year that a month's time is actually not very long, so I'm trying to re-read all my readings and tutorials and lecture notes so that I'm not caught out 2 weeks before exams and I still haven't started anything. Gives me some measure of peace and frees up time for other things.

Matthew sang 'Did you feel the mountains tremble' on Friday, and Chris led it too this morning. That song feels very 1990s because I heard it for the first time when I was still in Sunday School pre-teens or something, and how I remember Ben Wong and Sharon were practising it for worship when I was in Sec 1 but they didn't sing it in the end because it was too high. That song has always been marked by a sense of grandeur and magnificence, don't think I've had opportunities to sing it much over the years (I've certainly never led it before), but it's just reminiscient of how I liked the analogies to nature and how God is bigger than that, with all that sympathetic background things going on.

And a small trivia. Hillsong's 'Hosanna' is pretty much a common song to everyone in church now, but I've only truly really fittingly led it for the first time last Sunday at Gracehaven. Haha.

I'm kinda sianzxz now, because I dropped my laptop!! Okay la I'm blogging from this current laptop, so I don't suppose there are any functionality damages. But there's a small crack on the bottom left screen exterior. There's nothing wrong with it actually, it's not affecting the screen display and there's no difficulty closing the laptop, but just that small crack which is a real downer hahaha. Okay la if I don't even tell you that there's that deficiency, you wouldn't even notice it! But not noticeable doesn't change the fact that it's not there!

This is a real shame because laptop is about 3 months old only?? The same goes for my phone haha. Within like a month after I got it, it succeeded in getting nasty scratches on the shiny front. Dropped on the bus when the bus was braking and then it scrapped against the floor. Hahaha my laptop dropped while I was swatting a fly and talking to Eunice at the same time. Not her fault, the fly's fault. And I destroyed a thumbdrive in that process too, the thumbdrive split into two and I'm able to see all the blinking lights and whatever that's going on inside. Haha!

But I'm thinking that this is a good thing, because now I would be more liberal with my laptop and my phone! Like I wouldn't mind using it in harsher conditions now, or I wouldn't really mind if it gets an extra knock or scratch or something, or if it gets dirty or smudgy I wouldn't be as fastidious to wipe clean every smear. It's the same for us with every new gadget isn't it? We'll protect it with our lives, and take extreme care not to get it scratched dropped whatever. Until it suffers its first mishap hahaha.

Think I need to start detaching myself from getting too personal with all my belongings. Then if it gets lost or damaged or whatever, I wouldn't feel so terrible. But it's hard to leave out that sense of belonging, you know, like if I get a new car, the tendency would be to protect and maintain it too, considering the amount of money I spent. I think don't get too caught up with human stuff of this world is a good thing. In heaven there are probably everlasting iPods and HP laptops and Sony Ericsson phones that will never get scratched. Hahaha or maybe we don't even need that for heaven.

Nursing a throbbing headache and a very bad sore throat and cough. Aiyo hahaha I think I talked too much while giving tuition. But yeah, it's really terrible because I can't get out of bed this morning for service. But maybe it's because of the 4am Geog project last night too?

In any case, Gracehaven worship was pretty fine. This time it was slightly less active than the previous? But it's still good la, always a priviledge to lead worship there and talking to some of the children who always say hi to me. I think it takes quite a conscious effort to keep my eyes and ears open amidst the noise of all the instruments! To either hear them singing, or to listen to God's voice. Leading worship is sooo much different from giving a message, cos of the musicality that just keeps going and you really have to be on your toes for anything.

Alright, today was a good break. Next week is another school week again, time to go back to studying!

Sleepless at 3.30am in the middle of the night, but it's cause for celebration because I FINISHED GEOGRAPHY ESSAY, for both tasks! Okay technically speaking it's not printed yet so it ain't finished, and it's still subjected to my partner's comments on my final drafts. But this Geog took way too long to complete. But in any case, it's over, at least for my part. Now I can't wait to get to bed, and looking forward to Gracehaven in another approximately 16 hours time?

Forgot that there was Corps prayer meeting yesterday night, despite receiving the SMS reminder that was sent out. And this is the second time that I've missed a prayer meeting which I wanted to attend! Last week I kept in mind Hui Min's youth prayer meeting, but at the actual time that it was happenening, I was happily doing projection slides because I thought I had all the time in the world. But yeah, prayer is very important.

I've been really busy with a lot of work and I've barely got time to do anything else. And the tendency is to start getting impatient at every small thing and complain and complain and complain! Khairul is like my sponge haha he absorbs all my gripes about irritating people ranging from flirtatious, scandalous, immature, incompetent to idiotic. But I really cannot help it la hahaha I think next semester, as far as possible I'm going to take all the modules that doesn't require group work of any sort.

The importance of sleep is imperative too. I realised that if I do not sleep at least seven hours a day, I won't have sufficient energy to last through the day. And it's like a snowball effect, the tiredness accumulates and the sleep debt has to be paid off. So I'm aiming to calculate stringently the time that I'm required to be awake next morning, and then go to bed diligently at that time. No matter how early in the night (although that's quite rare haha my usual bedtime is 1am).

My phone rings non-stop throughout the day. You've got to be a Sec 1 and 2 cell leader to appreciate this though. Hahaha!

Gracehaven worship this Sunday. This has got to be one of the calmest lull before the actual storm. I'm absolutely NOT nervous or anxious at all, partly because I've got my mind full of other things, but the lack of worry makes me worried, like have I forgotten to do something or whatever. I know that I haven't been the most stilled or most calm person the past few days, so maybe I really do need to quieten down myself a bit for this weekend and let that authority take over. I keep wondering how God makes the junk that we create into something that is acceptable and pleasing, and how God makes an art of my imperfect worship leading and playing. Kinda incongruous, but I'm not on Singapore Idol, so it really really really isn't a performance la.

Letting go, it's been a tiring week with not much breather, and the weekend looks to be very, very, very busy. Haiz..........

Really don't have the time at all to do "frivolous" things like blogging hahaha, although I could still be found on Plurk and Twitter. But compared to emotional catharsis, this is so much better, blogging gives me a perspective not found from limiting myself to a sentence or 160 characters!

Anyway, been busy with a lot of school work and studies and rushing a Geography essay which has taken far too long to complete. I spent 2 nights on the introduction alone! But the amount of work I did was equivalent to actually going down to the library and getting sources okay, so I commend myself for all the good publications from e-books and e-journals. If not I'm busy settling admin stuff, which just really means that I need to hire a secretary, and I'm studying. It's a bit nerd nerd no life, but I've got time to go play too la hahaha.

And finally began teaching tuition for this girl! How do you tuition Literature haha I ran out of things to say after an hour. But yep I realised that A'Levels are so much easier than whatever I'm doing now. Maybe it's an age-related thing. The older you are, your level of understanding increases. Whatever that was complicated to me at 17 are easily grasped concepts now. So that means going to university at 21 holds a slight advantage over the girls at 19!

Taking some time off to keep this blog alive and throbbing! Anyway, the weekend was quite meaningful. I was either studying or trying to coordinate some work or worrying about worship leading. Commissioners Lim came down on Sunday to preach at our corps, and it was a real blessing to listen to their words again. And worship segment itself was quite blessed. And that same afternoon after service, I was out with Aunty Adeline, with Janice and Joylene and Cheyenne for lunch at AMK Hub, nice catching up!

Okie, back to work and studying!

This is turning to be quite a Geography week! Past two or three days I've been revising my Geog notes and readings, largely because I only have one mid-term exam (English) for this semester, and I've been keeping quite consistent with that module's work so I don't have to recap so much. Yesterday was at Bishan library with Eunice because she wanted help with her Geog! And today's project fieldwork with Daryl at ION Orchard for our Geog project.

Think the fieldwork was quite interesting, haha we had to interview some foreigners for some tourism slogan thing, and we met quite nice people who were willing to spend time to talk to us. Then the rest of the interviewees the approach was like "let's just try to get cute girls", because we've got to take photo with them too! Haha! And yesterday with Eunice just proved one thing; that I've been studying the same topics over and over again since sec one! I realised that the broad topics like population and tourism and whatever are still the same, but it's the depth and focus that changes as I'm moving up the education level. Like secondary school I don't have some models and I don't need to do a lot of analysis. But for A'levels that's very crucial. Now university I'm reading the same things except that they are in much more complicated concepts.

I'll most likely major in Geog la. Heh!

And and and, I won someone in tic-tac-toe!! Cross is me.

But I lost twice haha thanks to cheating! I'm circle now.

Quite an interesting night for me. Jolene messaged me after Sunday service this morning that she will be staying over in the church building the whole night! So naturally the question was why. It turned out that the Chinese Corps were having a Bible marathon reading session, and it was decided to be ongoing through the night because tomorrow is Hari Raya Haji holiday. It sounded quite odd to me, because I've never heard of a Bible reading marathon before, although I must admit it sounds like a good idea. They have everyone on a rotation list, and each person is to read an entire chapter starting from the book of Genesis.

So I told Jolene that it sounded really cool, and I also wanted to recite a Bible chapter! When I went up to the Chinese Corps building, they were in the midst of the book of Numbers. I was rostered to read Numbers 35. Then next came the option of reading it in Chinese language! Hahahaha my command of Chinese is not that terrible okay, but I realised that I cannot read fluently in 泛体字! So never mind it was okay if I read in English. And I must admit I've got an easy chapter. Numbers 33 and 34 had so many places and references and names! I can't even pronounce all of them in English, much less Chinese hahaha!

But it was a good experience, it's 3am in the morning as I'm blogging this and they are still going on! They are at the start of the book of Judges now. I do question the efficacy slightly, I only sat through about 10 chapters and I'm zonked already! But I've never succeeded in getting very far through the first book, much less until Numbers! The track record for the New Testament is much much better hahaha.

And shortly after that, Cheyenne called me on the phone and we were on phone conference with Janice and Roxanne. The agenda was to pray together! The idea sounded quite cool, because I don't even know how to activate phone conferencing on my phone. I've never prayed over the phone before either! But it was good, we took turns and it wasn't that much different from normal praying. There's a certain joy from listening to them and it's a really big encouragement too. Think this is one of the finer points of cell group leading and ministry, haha it's not life-changing but it's edifying.

I feel kinda bad for my behaviour at worship prac.

3:20am now, think I should be going to bed.

I made use of my free day to catch up with my readings, and to give Celine a visit at her house! She's sick with runny nose and sore eyes, although her eyes don't look abnormal in any way. But yup, I went down to say hello and to cook alphabet soup for her!

Tadaa.

I feel like a naughty student haha this week has barely started and I've skipped/missed two lectures already! And just in case you're thinking that I'm some perpetual problem kid who can't be bothered to attend my classes, I haven't skipped or missed anything since I started uni! Until yesterday that is. Hahaha for yesterday's English lecture I was 20 minutes late, and the lecturer is very particular about latecomers so I went to the library to study instead. And today's Cultural Studies lecture was at 10am, but I only woke up at 10.40am!

But it's really quite terrible, I've got quite a lot of things to do or to study and I haven't got the time. Very sleepy also, not getting enough sleep, hence oversleeping and missing classes and half the day is gone!

Sent Shi Hui off to London yesterday, and went Ikea with Aaron and Joel during my 3-hour break yesterday too because they took off from army to be out for her.

Okie I should be going to study, now that I've got a free day. Thankfully there's only one lecture today!

Vanessa dropped by for cell group and to say hello to Aunty Toh Tzu and Aunty Joanna this Friday evening. And it's always good to be able to catch up with her! Most of the time, we are limited to the occasional chance meetings, which I don't think it's very intentional and very sincere because we stay a few blocks from each other, so obviously I should see her around quite frequently! But she decided to visit today for a longer chat, and silly girl was so afraid that everyone has forgotten her already haha.

I think she's one of the few people I know that I'm just so encouraged each time I get the opportunity to talk to her. There's always this passion in her to want to know more about God and to serve and minister and share, and for me it's a blessing to witness such Christ-like joy in a friend's life.

School projects and readings and church work stuff and so many others. Loads to do! But enjoying the challenges, I'm still in a piece, although I'm slightly behind schedule. In the middle of this year I've resolved to get things done way before they are due, but I'm trying to ease up now because I realised that it becomes too stressful (although it's meant to create less stress).

In some dire need for sleep now, because I've got so many things to do that I'm cutting back on my sleep just to get them done. Which isn't the ideal sense, but don't really have a choice, very busy! I'm into cat naps again haha short 20 minute naps here and there and everywhere, and trying to pay back over the weekends. Constantly sleepy. Drowning in too much things to read. But still quite alive.


Which reminds me of the classic example of how men in army can just fall asleep everywhere, because they have learnt how to make use of even the shortest breaks just to get their forty winks. I don't remember being that desperate for sleep, but Aaron certainly does it well haha.

This is him left behind, and where's everyone else??!!

Slightly sick, I'm battling a persistent flu since last night. And the medicine that I took is supposed to be non-drowsy, but it's making me feel very drugged. I'm not sleepy but I'm like woozy and head-spinning.

Tried to play catch-up with my readings today. I ended up just skimming through to get the general idea. Haha so wordy and so boring! So much said for just a very simple idea. What's wrong with them, I thought concise and precise language is the way to go!

And Sylvia Plath's Ariel reminds me of Ted Hughes all over again. No wonder they're married! Gosh so raw and so powerful.

Just realised that my weekday and weekend diet can actually go through quite a dramatic change! On weekdays I tend to have lunch quite late, like 2 or 3pm, cos my school timetable doesn't really have free slots earlier. Then I go home at 6 or 7pm for mum's cooking. On weekends, lunch is often combined with breakfast! And dinner is usually a bigger and more filling affair, because of friends gatherings or buffets or family dinners. Supper is all the more prevalent too. I think this is a huge upset on my digestive system! Okay I shall aim to eat more consistently and more evenly.

Sleeping hours is another big problem too. I'm getting minimum 5 to 6 hours a day, which is remarkable considering how I don't seem to have time for anything else. But it's not enough for me! I need like 9 hours a day, and I don't know how to squeeze out all those time spent awake for sleep. So I'm constantly tired and my mind isn't functioning properly. Not the best approach because there are so many unexpected things, and I keep blabbling over my speech and sounding incoherent.

BBQ at corps yesterday, an example of how I'm not eating healthy. And just ended a three-hour worship practice for tomorrow's service. Usually I'm like "okay lor" because it's really just singing and playing, but today was totally exhausting! It was good though, hahaha we covered 10 songs. Things that run through my mind aren't the most positive, but I'm quite confident.

Just melancholic. Don't feel like studying.

Erm haha I was caught in a slightly awkward situation a few days ago. It's either me who's facetious or it's her who's blur! But it's a small world indeed, glad to meet people and new friends blah blah. Thinking I need to tighten my socks and really start studying haha I'm still drifting in and out of my lectures and classes feeling like a lost sheep. University one month already!!

Haven't been getting enough sleep all week. Quite exhausting actually, trying to catch up on my readings and trying to settle all the other things at the same time. It's quite a miracle I've managed to stay awake and last through the entire day, although there was one evening when I overslept on the bus and I took an extra hour and a half to get home.

I superglued this colourful cross to my guitar! But I didn't do a very good job because the glue stained the guitar a bit.

Okay I've stopped getting lost in school trying to look for my lecture halls or classrooms, I'm more or less acquainted with where is what and what is where. But I'm still embarrassing myself hahaha! The other day one of my group mates told me to meet at The Deck, and I'm like orh okay I shall follow the signs. So I ended up at the arts canteen, and I was thinknig if The Deck meant some lounge or some deck or some area which is decked or whatever la, and I spent 10 minutes wandering around the entire canteen looking for some infrastructure that didn't exist! It was much later that I realised that the canteen is The Deck. What a stupid name! I've always thought it's just arts canteen la, since when is there The Deck.

Anyway Dezmand knows the school better than I do. He knows which block is where and how to get to another school and he knows roughly where each block is. I haven't even dared to venture outside of my own faculty building. And going to a friend's hall now! Have no idea where is it.

Was invited by some of the youths from Balestier Corps to help out with their worship sing-along session today. It was an honour and priviledge to be part of their service, and together with Matthew we've been practising with them for the past 2 weeks or so. And Balestier Corps has been quite close to my heart in recent months, because when I was working at THQ I was quite close with Auntie Irene and Auntie Judy. And of course I do catch the young people around too, because they are always hanging around in church on weekends.

I think it's always a special blessing for me to get to know the families and friends from other churches. Not that I'm already conversant with every single person from my own corps, but I think it's good to have neighbourly relations with families of the same faith. That's one small good thing about having 3 church services happening on a Sunday morning, in the same building on the same floor! But now that His Arrow Church has shifted out, it's much quieter and I do miss their presence. Although I've promised to visit them one Sunday, and that's a story for another time.

Quite amazing, all I did was to lend my guitar to Amy for a week, and before I know it a door of opportunity is opened to get to know them better!

Did something slightly different for cell group time today. With the intention of reaching out to our community, we went out to a nearby block and went door-to-door selling copies of the War Cry! I didn't know that War Cry could be sold publicly, until I found out last year. Goes to show how much I take it for granted, because I always only scan through it looking for pretty girl pictures or for people that I know! Hahaha but Yen from editorial gave me a stack of old copies of the entire year, so I've resolved to read it more.

But yup, the door-to-door sales was quite fun to do, it was a great opportunity to meet people and explain what it's all about. I think of all the houses we knocked on, only half of them entertained us, but we still manage to sell about 15 copies, which is not bad for an hour's work! We had fun going around, tiring and slightly disappointed at all the missed opportunities, but did get to meet really nice people who were extremely supportive.

And the happy promoters hahaha.

I'm dusty and rusty. Brain is totally not in study mode, the only thing I am interested to read are story books or Christian devotionals, because that's all that I've been reading in the past 3 years! Guitar is not in a playable condition too, because I took a break from all worship related activities for 3 or 4 weeks and now my fingers are cramped and abrasion which is sooo pain and guitar doesn't sound good!

Can I extend that to my life too, because I'm just so out of touch and everything is so maudlin and melancholic. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and do nothing all day.

I've got a bunch of unwanted stirrers with me now! The English lecturer gave it out just now because we're on phonetics and she wanted us to try pronouncing some words and feel the vocal vibrations. And I was at a corner so the leftovers all came to me! And I made the girl beside me walk all the way to the back just to pass the stragglers the extra stirrers! I could have done it myself, but I told her to pass it to the back, and she misunderstood and instead of passing it person-to-person she went personally. So paiseh.

Through a really nice opportunity and timing and coincidence, I went for one of Janice's netball matches with Auntie Adeline today! Hahaha it was a really last minute thing, but it was quite a good experience, because I've never watched a netball game before and I don't know the rules and positions and everything. You know in all the cell leaders' manual they always include "support them in their games, recitals, performances and the like", so I thought why not, give Janice a surprise too hahaha! She played very well! Jump here jump there like kangaroo and scoring so many and shouting like a true captain, and of course they have to win eventually laaa! And Auntie Adeline is such a loyal supporter hahaha she knows everybody on the team and she knows the coach and the teacher and all the rules and which player is new and who is outstanding.

Boring day made interesting and happy, thanks for the fellowship and the car rides Auntie!

There's this little tab in the CORS website which says "File for Graduation", and I'm always clicking on it because it's so tempting! Hahaha I remember the first time I was bidding for my modules, and I kept asking Atiqah if that option was for me, even though I haven't even attended a single lecture at that point! But that's my escape from reality button. Everytime the bidding or balloting becomes too much of a hassle, or everytime I'm fed up with the jargon that I don't understand from the readings, the "File for Graduation" becomes very appealing.

But it's been pretty fine, every morning is a travelling nightmare but I haven't been late so far. I'm thinking that all Tuesdays are Mondays because I get Mondays free. Thinking if it will be a good idea if I read all my readings from the laptop instead of printing them out. And trying to shake the cobwebs from my brain. Study study!

This is the kind of stuff that embarrasses you, but it brings back fond memories. A while ago Sarah asked me how long have I been in the cell group leading business, and I told her since I was 15! I did take a year long break when I enlisted army, but it's still a whopping 6 or 7 years. Been a leader longer than I've been a cell group member myself. But what a learning process it has been for me, growing, realising what to do and what not to do, and still learning. A good number of my old cell group members are still around, and I really appreciate being able to be part of their lives even till now.





Can't remember what occasion this is, but I remember Ming Hui asking "can my sister come too?" and that's how everyone ended up there. But we all look so foolish and so young hahaha.

Hahaha! I'm quite glad that Mondays are free for me. Not that I usually get attacks of Monday blues, but just that I am lazy to get out of bed after the weekend! Yup, bummed at home trying to study. So many readings, I'm quite astonished.

And went out with Samantha to watch Up! Hahahahahaha. Nice show, a bit far-fetched but I liked it. (I don't want to say anymore haha).

I'm generally happy right now. Happy that things are falling back into place, happy that I've got the exact words to say at exact moments, and happy that things are clearing up and looking brighter. Although it wasn't really in shambles to begin with. But I'm just thankful, thinking that I'm the most blessed person in the world (no I'm not attached yet).

I like talking to people, just hearing them out and listening to what really matters in their hearts. Or just plain foolish talk with nothing in mind but to chat nonsense. Kinda relieving from stress and whatever else actually.

Thinking about life and all that it has to offer. You know, this book that I'm reading now is messing up my life up a little, it really questions the purpose of life and chasing after worldly things. Accolades and achievements, they all fade. What are the eternal consequences, and it's back to the microcosm of the universe when what you think really matters has nothing at the end but a dusty cupboard hidden in some attic. Sounds really useless to me, time to invest in all of heaven's entirety which I have been neglecting.

Started school this week! University life is boringzzzz. Maybe because it's all intro lectures for this week. Did meet quite a lot of old friends, church, army, school, wherever. But the people I sat next to in all the lectures so far are strangers who bother to talk to me. Got lost on first day, and waited at the wrong lecture hall the second day! But I wasn't late haha.

Reading this book called "Living on the Ragged Edge". Talking about the book Ecclesiastes. Especially apt for all the thoughts that are going through my mind now. Hahaha twisted world.

This is some retarded thing that Jerrold and me decided to do.

Fiesta Oneness today at Labrador Park. Great time catching up with all the adults and meeting new people and talking playing. Usually I don't get to talk to everybody that I want to talk to on a Sunday service, and it's a pity because there are so many familiar faces and names that I always hear about, but I barely know them aside from hellos and byes. So here's finally a non-threatening platform to ask legitimately what do they do, how are they related in church, blah blah.

This year's "getting to know you" year. I've been trying to get my ears on the ground! Not so much about looking pretty, but just trying to catch up with people. Sometimes you can know someone for years, but you barely talk to them much. I want to do that, but there's too many people that I want to catch up with hahaha. But thankful for the chances and the way my appointments just fall into place. Been trying especially to spend time with each person in my current cell group, be it phone or SMS or MSN or meals or movies or guitar lessons or whatever. My way of trying to get into their lives and to know them better. I wish I had more time to do this.

My heart and mind is in a turmoil. And perhaps an overdued one too. It doesn't take much for me to realise what I've been doing and what I haven't been doing. But yeah, sometimes I'm just too prideful or I'm lazy to deal with it or I procrastinate or I find excuses.

And that reminder had to come in a big manner through Pastor Elaine. Thank God for her life and for her ministry. I'm kinda sheltered in a sense, you know, like I'm not very big with spiritual healing and speaking in tongues and prophetic visions. Not denying that these gifts have a place for edification in the church, but just that I didn't grow up in a church background which placed much emphasis on these. I know enough to know but not know at the same time. But Pastor Elaine's words hit a huge raw nerve. Okay I cried more for others than for my own prayer, but it's still a wake-up call and it's a blessing.

I'm really tired but very satisfied. Sometimes I wonder how pastors does it, you know, trying to be the sponge to absorb everything, happy or sad, weddings or funerals. Still, thank God for my cell group for keeping me sane, contradictory as that might sound.

Was watching NDP on television. No love lost there! My contributions for the past 2 NDPs included crazy guard duty schedules and zooming around in boats at Marina Bay! I've done my part, with stories to tell too. Thought I saw Celine on telly, but then again I couldn't be sure.

Bummed at home the entire day. Slept until 12 noon, then slept again from 4 to 6pm. Did nothing the whole day except to pack a small portion of my room, and I managed to get out quite a few things which I can put in for Salvation Army donation. Tomorrow will be the messy table's turn.

Haven't been this "unproductive" for months. Just sitting around and watching TV and doing nothing. It's like a vacation, at home, don't need to spend money, mum buying food back or cooking. What a life!

Weekend was quite a toll. YP Sunday was a great joy, the pretty girl beside me (who is always just too shy to talk to me haha) had to dance gingerly to avoid my guitar and music stand. It's really pumped to be part of the energy on stage, never been more lucid. Went down to Funan and Sim Lim a couple of times on two separate days too, to get a new laptop.

And today was meeting at Gracehaven, I thought it was just Capt Raymond and Capt Hary and YOG reps, so I went in tee shirt and shorts. Then it turned out to be some corporate official meeting and everyone's in nice collared shirts! Never mind la, I'm youth department haha I passed off sporty enough.

Currently trying to put sense into the things that I'm doing.

A few good things in my life, I've got a new phone with unlimited SMS on top of my free incoming, which in my opinion is awesomezz for cell group leaders hahaha because I've got no more excuse to say that I can't reply to messages! I passed my QET too, so that means I don't have to do anything extra and my GP result was just a fluke and there are nothings wronged with me the English. I'm matriculated, registered, for university, and thanks to Atiqah for making sense of the bidding nonsense. Last day of work tomorrow too, which is quite sad because I really enjoyed myself here and had a great time, but I can't wake up at 8am every morning.

I'm trying to figure out what I haven't done. I wrote a to-do list but I lost it.

My sister is a big hypocrite. She claims she has this much work to study and revise. (She's taking her A's this year by the way).



But she is busy doing a million other things! The other day I saw her writing notes for all her friends! "LET'S JIA YOU TOGETHER FOR EXAMS OKAY!!" I'm very dots because she 自身难保 already but she still go and encourage others for what! And that's not all! Look at this, she is counting elephants!!



And this is where she normally resides.

There are nasty times in my life when the "knowing-being-doing" ideal just doesn't appeal to my circumstances. And I just don't feel like getting up there to do the stuff that I have to do. With all honesty I was one phone button away from sending a SMS to Alicia, telling her that I really don't want to play/sing on Sunday. But it was Saturday night at 2am and I thought it wasn't very fair for her. But Sunday morning eventually came along and I was on stage, the glare of the spotlight in my eye, I got nervous in front of 200 pairs of eyes, I'm playing entirely wrong chords and I'm singing in Greek. I remember trying to reconcile how God can be magnified through that junk.

And barely an hour later I was up there again, this time with twenty kids with the voices of twenty million, trying to make sense of my purpose in the mud map. You know how sometimes it gets confusing, and it doesn't help that I'm so prideful and stubborn too. I know I lost it in the mess of shouts and barks and wrong stylistics and entire deviants from what was agreed. But again I was trying really hard to keep it all in check, trying to keep myself from drooping off in sleepiness.

I don't know, part of me feels like this is a huge plate of mee goreng. It's tasty enough, but I don't really want to eat so much of it. It's the diminishing returns thing. But it is a perpetuating problem for everyone, the more passionate you are for something, the more you open yourself to be hurt or discouraged easily. It's so easy and so tempting to get too caught up with the "whats" instead of the "whys". It's something that I try to constantly remind myself, but everything goes out of the window when it's just me me me and no God. Which is why mee goreng looks really appetising when I'm hungry, but midway I just feel like puking.

What if all of these comes to nothing? What is it at the bottom of it all? My heart's drawn to remaining intentional and making it relevant and purposeful, something which I picked up from people like Adrian. You just cannot do things frittering like a butterfly, there has to be clear objectives before and measurable outcomes after. Perhaps there's some debate there, about how God can still make something artistic out of recycled materials. When is too much too much, and when is too little too little? Sigh, I think there's always a greater and higher something above me, and it's quite useless getting beat up trying to attain that equilibrium.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Mind full of forgiveness and redemption and reawakening and compassion. I think God's been trying to speak to me, but either I'm too busy at pretending I'm busy, or I'm just trying to delay facing that ugly truth.

Hillsong conference and concert was good and inspiring, thank God for people like Min Jie and for David Chan. Yeah my poor memory made it more work than that was necessary, but Min Jie's relief was a funny sight hahaha. Was back in Seletar Camp on Friday, it felt exactly the same, like ORD till now was just a weekend. Doesn't help too that one of the last major event I did before getting out was parade too, so this felt completely at home. Not something that I want though.

Which makes it a very sordid affair. I just want to sleep and sleep to catch up on the lost sleep. I hate having to wake up knowing that I cannot sleep for another ten more minutes, or else I will be running late. Then again, it sure is better than waking up discovering that you're already ten minutes late.

Come to think of it, I haven't actually gone to the ATM to withdraw money for quite some time! My last transaction receipt was dated 5th July. That means the money in my bank account has been largely untouched! Which is really great hahahah. It's like that because for the past few weeks I've made purchases for other people, and now they are paying me back in dribs and drabs, at different times of this month. So at any one time the cash I have on hand are the "repaid debts". Makes it feel like I'm spending on credit, you know, money that doesn't really seem to be there but rightfully it is. It's like a insurance rebate scheme! Haha I don't know what I'm talking about.

This is really random, but when I was much younger, one of my favourite nursery rhymes went something like "catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save if for a rainy day". Trying to teach you the importance of being frugal and to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Something like that.

Just came home from Ballet Under The Stars with Khairul. Both of us wished that we were taller, so that we can see above the four or five thousand heads at Fort Canning Park. Sat on an embarrassingly pink mat with picnic food (burgers/sandwiches) and wondering how they did those jiggly legs and how many turns in one jump. Hahaha ballet is nice but cannot appreciate it.

And I'm reaaally tired from all the worship leading and practices this weekend. Friday was leading, Saturday was playing for practice, Sunday is practice and actual and then YP Sunday practice. I think I got very irritated at times, but I really can't help it urghh. At least from now until 2nd August I can just focus on YP Sunday, which is real exciting to look forward to, after watching them do their dance routines. Everytime I see those primary school children they are always jumping around me, so I thought it was good, hahaha channel all their enthusiasm and energy by making them jump around on stage!

I've been trying to put things in perspective, like what's all this worth and what's in it at the crunch? It's not entirely a thank-less thing, and I've got ample support, but I think I'm too prideful, I like to run things on my own steam to stick stickers and post my own mail. I realised for the past few months I've been just giving and giving and not receiving. Not receiving as in like appreciation and free Hillsong tickets and acknowledgements. More of my own growth. Sometimes I think it's really easy to go to a bigger church, be part of the anonymous faces and soak up the atmosphere, you know, join a cell group where people understand you and where each worship is huge and each sermon is a blast.

But I've really been blessed by everything that's going on around me now, thinking that everything has a bigger scheme which I cannot see. Today's message kinda reinforced that. God doesn't need my work and my ministry and my songs. I always have a choice.

Updated with a picture of the view at Fort Canning.

There are times in my ministry and work when I'm so strongly moved by certain people that are such a blessing and an encouragement to my life. Or it could be just stories or events or certain small things or behaviours and attitudes that I'm happy that the Lord is magnified through all of that. I think a lot of times I have to just stop whatever I'm doing and just be thankful and be prayerful about everything that's happening around me, sometimes to the point of breaking down. But I'm quite convinced that everything isn't coincidental, and I cannot see the larger scheme and I don't know where is it all heading, but I know the blueprint's there. You know, that kind of thought process that goes on?

I think the past few weeks have been full of blessings. Unexpected prayers that were answered, things just falling into place nicely, decisions made by people that were God-glorifying. I think leading a cell group is very tough work, but I am very encouraged by each of their lives and it sort of motivates me to want to do more for them.

Oh You bring

Okay fine haha I had to go down to NUS yesterday for Qualifying English Test. They need to know my written English proficiency! Hahaha aiyoo I think very waste time, they can just come and read my blog; I try to write as grammatically correct and in proper sentences and as coherently as I can in this blog! I didn't know so many people crashed their GP grade hahaha! What's so special about QET is that this is the first academic test I've had to sit since my A'levels three years ago! I don't like studying I don't like sitting for exams either hahaha. But it was a good excuse to meet up with army friends, and to take the morning off from work haha.

And hooray that it's Friday! I'm looking forward to the end of worship tonight, because after this is just YP Sunday left. I like leading worship but it's taking up a lot of time and killing quite a lot of brain cells! O God what do you want me to sing!

I honestly do like hymms and really old choruses, those kind that were written in lyrical formats! I like to see words in symmetrical structure. Haha I'm kinda awed by the amount of verses in the Salvation Army Song Book which I don't know how to sing! And even more impressive to me if I see 8.8.8.8. Amph, or 10.10.10.10 Iamb. It brings back memories of my old literature days, where we will all be counting syllables and tapping our foots or bobbing our heads to determine if the poetry is trochaic or dactylic or whatever.

For the life of me, I can't figure out how to squeeze words into such a rigid structure with so many demands on stress, tone, syllables, rhymes, blah blah. That's not to include how profound the content it brings! Nowadays I think songwriters and poets have it easier, free form is the way to go, never mind the sentence structure, the aim is to pack the most punch in your words! I can't even string a decent essay together, how to cope demanding forms and difficult concepts and imagery and expressions, and still praise God in the midst of it all. The old hymns are treasure troves!

Yeah, returning to the main topic, I've "borrowed" a SASB from the corps auditorium for the past few months, because I do need to refer to it for worship leading and stuff like that. And last night I brought home the Tune Book too, to check chords and melodies to some songs. My goodness it was a pain to read all the towgays! Treble clef is still okay for me, but I'm more unfamiliar with bass clef so I have to count and count! And my music theory is mediocre at best, can't figure out how all those squiggly things can actually denote a tune. But yeah thanks to some help from Eunice, it was more manageable. And Major Alice decided to drop by in office just now and started humming one of the tune I was trying to learn! Haha that's when I decided it sounded familiar because I sang it before.

I think the easiest way would be to ask all the Salvation Army officers, learn three songs a day from a different officer, and I just might cover all the songs and choruses in the SASB in a year. Hahaha. Tune Book is soooo boring and so hard to read I fell asleep trying to figure it out.

For those who have yet known, I'm on Twitter! And have been since three months ago, when I first started work. It was more of jumping on to the bandwagon for popularity's sake. And a few weeks ago, I got an account on Plurk too, it's somewhat like Twitter but more interesting, and I'm only there because Hong Yu Eunice and Andrea are there!

So technically speaking I'm ruining my life away haha. I think most of my friends are still stuck on good old Facebook, I'm following Miley Cyrus and Coldplay on Twitter just to make myself feel remotely connected to them hahah. But I seriously don't see the point, because I think this blog has been a great avenue for my emotional outpouring, so why do I need to Twitter Plurk Facebook?

It's a bit sad that this IT-savvy generation is demanding more and more condensed, bite-sized, quick-fix, instantaneous things! If it can't be read in a sentence, then forget about reading it! But too bad, I admit it's quite addictive. Heehee!

Yesterday was as if like the day just couldn't end! So many things to do, so many stuff on my mind, so many people to talk to, so many things to remember to do. Headache and very tiring. I think I don't want to play lead guitar anymore, so minimalistic but too many things to control. Then there was worship prac for Gracehaven, which I decided to play guitar and sing (because Hui Min "pangseh-ed" haha), so my fingers are kinda sore from all the fret flying!

Gracehaven worship was great and the visual action from where I was standing was quite spectacular! Not much frenetic emotions beforehand, I think it's getting easier to find my own space to allow it to magnify God, don't quite know how to put it in words but it sort of resolves into something purposeful? And it's really my priviledge to get to know some of them, before this they were just names and stories to me. I'm trying to move beyond "hello Lee Kuan Yew" hahah.

I'm quite exhausted, quite surprised I got this far, and looking forward to the end!

Just came off worship practice for tomorrow's service, and one of the rare few times I'm playing lead guitar, and I'm feeling really crappy and inadequate because I felt like it was just nonsensical rubbish! Hahahha I only like to strum strum strum on my brilliant wonderful amazing acoustic guitar, and I tend to want to do the same with an electric guitar in my hands. I don't know what chord or note I want to play. I think the sound and effects and Adriel's pedals were wasted on me too, I don't know how to control it to maximise the tone! It sounded neither fish nor fowl, and I'm thinking if it's not too bad an idea to just jaarrrgghhhhhh all the way tomorrow and let the overdrives do the talking!

And courtesy to Kat and Daniel, I've got a recording of last week's worship session which I was leading. Wow haha it was like one of Hillsong's live recording! Except for my horrible singing and my lengthy incoherent blabbling. But it sounded beyond cool, recording was a bit muffled, the congregation weren't whoo wahh whee, but you could hear the passion behind the singing. And I think the band was awesome. This is the first time I actually got to be "part of" my own worship leading hahaha.

I haven't been that busy for the past two weeks, contrary to my crazy schedules in June. Okay la I'm still occupied with a few things la, but they are all small nitty-gritty things which I really think I ought to hire a secretary to do them. I need a girlfriend who is willing to do admin work for me!

I realised I have been really irritated and annoyed at work inefficiencies for the past few months. You know, I don't really have to care if things are slow or late or not done properly or insufficient or a million things. Three-quarters of the time I'm not in charge of it, and perhaps that's why I've been more easy on the accusations too. But word gotten back to me was that I'm too fierce or naggy or I'm not loving, and I'm really like what-the-hell because I thought it was just a basic matter of personal responsibility?? Haiya it's a really fine line. If I think something is wrong and I don't say it, then I'm apathetic. If I say too much, then I'm over-bearing. Can't please the world at all.

And I kinda blew my top this week over something which I really felt was very unfair for me and for the people involved. Don't think it was what either of us wanted. But I really had to slow myself down and control my temper. Initially I kept silent because of past favours and similar inefficiencies on my part, and our past work relations were magnificent. I did find a better reason to bury the hatchet though, because of something that was mentioned about forgiveness and prayer.

Here's one huge conundrum that I really cannot stand. Like, take for example if I'm leading worship, I will try to plan my songs one month in advance. I know it's waaay ahead of most people, but that's what I'm aiming to do la. So I will go and source for the songs mp3, email out as early as possible, provide all necessary resources, spend money and purchase the sheet music for my musicians. Then on the actual day of practice, one of them says "no I haven't seen the emails yet". Then like that how????????? Doesn't make sense if I spend time and effort and money, and I get this kind of attitude. It's the same for everything that I do! I put heart and soul into the things required, then in the end change direction, or worse still, nothing is done! It's not about the job not done, it's the kind of irresponsibility that I am super irked. HEART ATTACK.

But I'm more convinced now that all these imperfections are just part of the bigger picture to allow God's perfection to shine through. I'm thinking that there's a plan and there's a purpose to everything that happens. Cannot la if I just keep getting angry over every small thing not done, then I will just die of high-blood pressure and frustration and impatience. Much bigger things to worry about and much bigger fishes to fry. Very difficult leh.

Speaking of worship, I'm back to learning and listening songs every week! My calendar puts 5 separate worship leadings from 19th June to 2nd August! For different occasions somemore! That's easily 20 songs in 6 weeks. Not to mention that July is my Sunday service worship band's month, and numerous worship practices (both mine and others), so that's another million of songs. And I've been trying to get influenced by Nigel Hendroff and learn to play lead guitar!

Don't talk already. Time to sleep.

The weekend wasn't a battle, but it was a fight to stay awake! I've been out almost every night since I was back from Kuching, and it is taking quite a toll on my sleep too. On a good night I should be home by 11pm, or else it will be later than 1am? I think my parents aren't very happy with that, but I'm either busy with stuff or I just want to relax outside la. But okay yar this weekend was more relaxed than normal. Kar Leong's facilitation workshop on Saturday, and was at Kat's place after that. And today is leaders' meeting and leading worship for Founders' Day. I think that working for Salvation Army helped in a sense, because I got to know Lt-Col Prema and I know what to expect for Founders' Day and I've got editorial support and wonderful help from everyone, so it helped make the anxiety about worship leading much lesser. But it was good, and my fingers are very pain but it's good.

Shall sleep!

I really like the word "crook"! I'm using it as a noun, to describe people who are dishonest or cheaters or thieves or liars, in that sense. It's a real pity that I haven't really heard anyone use this word in a long long time. Okay granted, there are millions of alternative epithets that I can use to describe the same group of people, but I like "crook" because it conveys such a strong message and it's not as hackneyed and it gives a manner of tone when you say it in anger! Sadly, I think its place in language is not very recognised, because "crook" is considered too colloquial for school graded essays, and you hardly ever see it in the media except in tabloids! They do use words like "swindler" and "trickster" and "fraudster" though, but it sounds quite parochial to me. And then there's the big complicated words like "embezzler" or "charlatan" or "purloiner", and frankly speaking, why accord them such prissy-poo names when they've committed a crime!

I think if I had my way, I would opt for stronger words like "villian" and "knave" and "rascal" and "scoundrel" and "bandit" and "crook". RAAH!

From Timothy!

I have recently accumulated more than 1000 stored emails in my Gmail account. The oldest one dates all the way back to April 2004! The marvellous thing about Gmail is that I never have to worry about space. At the bottom of the page it says I am "currently using 933MB (12%) of your 7342MB." I know of friends who are using 60% of that space, so I'm definitely not maximising my Gmail hahaha!

The actual email count is actually higher than 1000. This is because Gmail automatically groups all email replies and forwards under the same topic heading. So if I send out an email on "fri worship" and I get 20 replies under that topic heading, Gmail will lump it all into one single thread so that I will not need to open 20 separate message threads.

But I seriously doubt if I'm ever going to refer to even 1% of those 1000 stored emails again. About 30% of those emails are devotional emails, because I always just scan through them and I will keep the more interesting ones for future reading. Of course, that future never comes! I've kept some of those forwarded emails from friends, things like funny pictures or jokes or whatever else. And the rest are church work-related, or school-related (remnants of my secondary and JC education). Those are simply for my reference.

Which is why I sometimes wonder what is the point of keeping all these old emails if I'm never going to refer to them again?? The useful emails are those sent out by worship leaders with guitar chords to songs. Every time I need chords, I will just run a search for that song. But for the rest, it just accumulates cyber-dust and makes my email count seem like I'm a busy man.

And this is why I've also resolved to read and reply all emails as soon as they appear! It's so easy for me to take the daily devotionals for granted, for example, because it appears every day and the tendency is to just skim through it. But I forced myself to read through everything every day, because I know that if I keep it for reading another day, I will probably never do so in the end. And whatever emails that requires response, I will settle it as soon as I see it. The amount of new emails can really go crazy sometimes, and I've tried to make use of Gmail's features to organise and label my emails. Of course, on the other end, I'm a guilty culprit to sending lots of emails too! My reasoning is that emailing is free, unlike calling or SMS-ing! And it's relatively convenient too, so why not make use of it?

But Colonel Burridge put it across quite succintly last week: have we lost the art of conversation? Too often I prefer to email rather than talk things out with someone. Mostly because my thoughts process flow better when I'm writing than when I'm speaking, and I can't find a lot of time (and patience) to sit down for a chat, and when I've got something to say, it is simpler to visualise words on the screen than intangible thoughts on my mind! It's easier to send an angry email than to talk things through. Am I hiding behind the computer screen? I wouldn't mind reading long email essays about different points of view, compared to a face-to-face meeting. Am I being too flippant in my dealings with people?

I should probably be the first to initiate a no-email-day. Three days for every week, I will not log in into my email at all. Hahaha I think I will just end up killing myself over the work load that ensues. Every time I clear ten emails, ten more appears. RAHH.

I'm a bad employee for today! Hahaha I overslept this morning and I ended up being 4 hours late for work. Then lunch time just now I met up with Khairi and I was half an hour late consequently. And I lost my access card! It has always been in my bag, I have no idea where I misplaced it and I don't know why it's lost. Aargh I am normally not a person who loses things, but it has to happen from time to time and I'm quite annoyed at all the inconveniences.

Weekend was packed full. Saturday's amazing race for territorial combined event, which went quite well really. It rained but we weren't affected by it! And at night was birthday celebration for Nick at Pasir Ris. And Sunday after service was a long worship prac for YP Sunday. And dinner with family at night. Very tired and busy! Which may explain why I overslept!

Okay. I think I've caught a slight cold. Transformers 2 tonight with Priscilla!

Last night capped a week of visitations! Monday night at Commissioner Lim's house, Tuesday night at Sam's, Wednesday at my grandma's place, then last night at Janice's. It's a slight coincidence that this week is like that, I just went accordingly to my weekday evening schedule and slotted in the appointments. But it's good la, to tear myself away from staying at work or staying at home. I still have a lot of things to do! Okay maybe not a lot to do, but they are all nagging away at my thoughts and a constant burden on my mind. I need to clear my head abit.

I REALLY FEEL LIKE BLOGGING ABOUT SOMETHING HAHAHAHA IT'S VERY FUNNY BUT CANNOT IT'S A SECRET HAHAHA LATER I BETRAY YOU!

I am a bit upset at the way things are going. All these last minute stuff could have been prevented. Everything is still so disorganised and murky! And I realised that it's slow across the board. Haiyo. Thankfully I'm still on track, but I need to speed up. VERY BUSY ALL OF A SUDDEN. I take back what I said about a slow start to the week. I'm just numb la I got no time to be unhappy, which is both a good and bad thing I suppose?

Fully packed for the rest of June. Ready to go.

For the past few weeks my Mondays and Tuesdays were really hectic and bursting to the seams with various work and meetings! At the start of every week I usually have a long to-do list which I need to settle by certain deadlines. And I will really need to go all out to clear them, because next week will be another set of them! I've sort of realised the importance of getting things done quickly, and then spend my remaining time trying to improve refine perfect revise the task. And it's quite funny, because I rush everything at the start of the week and by Friday I would have completed most of everything and I've got nothing much left to do.

But this week is kinda more free than usual. I don't have any major assignments, mostly because I've done them the week before already. And whatever remnants are all the small small irritating stuff that I hate to do, because I'm a big things person hahaha. But I'm thankful for the lesser work, it's been a really busy month and I need to slow down abit.

After work ended today, Jolene came over to my house for dinner! It was quite nice to invite someone over, and an additional mouth to taste my mum's cooking. Then we went over to Samantha's house for a house visit. Got to talk to Uncle Raymond and Auntie Dorothy, whom I don't really talk to even on Sundays. We hung out in Sam's room and found out from Amelia some funny sibling stories! Haha okay at the expense of Sam's embarrassment, but Jolene and I enjoyed ourselves la.

And guess what came in the mail today? World Vision Bangladesh sent the annual report, and included inside was a photograph of Priya! Last year they were almost half a year late, I think it had to do my sign-up being in December and administration procedures. But this year's is right on time, and timely for my life too. I really needed that encouragement to give purpose to everything that I'm doing now. Priya is like more than 3000km away, but she's got no idea how much of a blessing she is to me. Beyond the squiggly Bengali characters that I can't read, and beyond all the crayon drawings that she sends.

Aaahh heart melt and breakdown.

It was a somewhat muted weekend, for starters I didn't have anything heavy-going on schedule.
Was at a worship band dynamics at Grace Methodist Church last night, if not it was pretty much hanging around or lazing about. But it was a very busy week last week, right till Friday! I figured if I reached Friday I am quite safe.

And was just back from Commissioner Lim's place. Decided to go down for a visit, Yurong came along, and also with the intention of passing some stuff to Cadets Fiona and Andrew too. I've got plans to go to two more houses this week!

Okay. Should sleep soon.

Extremely tired and busy, barely had time to get a breather today. It's appointments and meetings day! Went to Gracehaven, YOG office, Colonel Burridge's office. And had to give a short presentation for staff devotions this morning, which I did not really prepare for. Was scurrying around the whole office today, and travelling outside from central to north to south to central!

Last night was barbeque at church, then A Walk To Remember, then miscellaneous games. It was terrible because the night before I slept for 3 hours only, but I ended up staying over at church till 2am, so I'm really suffering from lack of sleep now.

Feeling kinda lazy, and in no mood to do anything. My mind's a contemptuous stir and it's cantankerous for most parts of today.

I think I was kinda abit too spacey today. Very distracted about a lot of things, partly because I am really very busy and I have a lot of stuff to do. Some of them are really huge and significant, but it's the not so important ones that are driving me nuts! So many things to take care of. I have time on my hand to do all of these, but I feel very bad that I'm hardly spending time at home with my family and I'm neglecting some people in my life.

And it got so bad that there were literally explosions in my head! This afternoon was out with Kenny and Capt Hary to settle the water bottle souvenirs, and I realised I couldn't concentrate at all on the conversations that were exchanged, because there were so many other things racing through my head. And in the evening was dinner with Capt Hary and Esther and three other guys whom I've never met before. Royston, JJ and Joshua, they volunteered for some Malaysian camp last year, and this dinner is meant to be a treat and for catching up with them. I had very little impetus to go actually! I had a headache and I don't even know them and I wasn't even part of the camp! But good that I went la, it cleared my mind somewhat.

Something was said about pride today. What I think should be done may not be what must be done. I keep saying that I don't want to impose and make decisions, but I realised that I tend to get very judgemental. I think my blood has been boiling more times than I could imagine these few days. Now I'm just numb la, but this really isn't me la. Where's the joy and purpose?

And I want to thank God for nice SMS-es that came my way yesterday and today. Those that were perennial didn't disappoint, but those that weren't were a surprise. I realised I took for granted a lot of things.